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Movie Review: Paul

Paul

Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Kristen Wiig, Jason Batemen and Seth Rogan
Directed by: Greg Mottola
Written by: Nick Frost, Simon Pegg

First of all let me say hello to you toothpicks (that is my nickname for humans). My name is Vermithrax Pejorative and I am a dragon. I am also a fan of movies (particularly ones with dragons in them). Given that I am exceptionally intelligent (as all dragons are), I have decided to share with you my thoughts on the movies that I watch. Why should you care what I have to say? Simple, did I not mention that I am a fucking dragon? I can eat you. I can burn you to a crisp. Need I have any other reason beyond that? I thought not.

I am also a dragon that is very fond of alcohol. That is how I will rate the movies I watch. What does that mean exactly? Say I sit down with a six pack of beer. If a movie is truly awful I will only watch it long enough to finish one or no beers. Where as if the film is exceptional then I would likely finish the entire six pack before I get back to terrifying ignorant peasants. Simple no? So without further ado here is the review.

I am an unabashed fan of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. The British comedy duo introduced to most of us state side through the exceptional 2004 film Shaun of the Dead have never failed to deliver when their forces are combined.  This is the duo’s third film collaboration which also includes the hilarious Hot Fuzz. However unlike the previous two which were directed by their long time friend Edgar Wright, Paul was directed by the new to them but equally talented Greg Mottola.

Paul is at its essence a science fiction movie. But much like in their previous two films it takes a conventional genre and puts a spin on it. The spin on this is that the story is set to the pacing of a road movie. And it works. Essentially Paul is the story of two friends from England that come to America on their dream vacation to attend San Diego Comic Con and then travel across the American southwest visiting sites related to aliens and UFOs. Then when they meet the titular Paul they are dragged into his adventure of trying to make it back home while being pursued by government forces. And of course problems and complications arise on the way.

Paul is a movie that gets the majority of things right. Pegg and Frost are very natural working together and have not only an excellent chemistry on screen but work off of each others comedic timing perfectly. Their characters friendship is the heart of the story.

Then of course there is Paul himself. When you have a live action movie that involves a CGI character as one of the main components it doesn’t always work particularly well. This is the area I was most concerned about going into the film. There are just so many ways to do this wrong. Fortunately between the script and Mottola’s direction they delivered something that was neither cliche or absurd. Paul does do some absurd things along the way, but he is a genuine character who possesses the sort of depth one would expect from a major character in a film. Paul is of course voiced by the always funny Seth Rogen and honestly that does make a difference.

In addition there is great supporting work. Kristen Wiig is really entertaining as the proverbial “bible thumper” who comes along for the ride. Jason Bateman also shines as a government agent who is tracking Paul. When freed from the shackles of having to be a romantic comedy lead Bateman is able to remind us that he can in fact be as funny now as he was in the days of Arrested Development. Bill Hader who has appeared in the most recent trio of Mottola’s films is always solid in a supporting role and this is no exception.

And Mottola himself to me delivers another solid film. Tackling very different territory than his last two features, Superbad & Adventureland, he shows that he is just as solid directing a more adult (and I use that term very loosely) cast and action oriented script.

All of that aside though the number one thing that I enjoyed about Paul is that it’s a love letter. In that I mean Pegg and Frost have used this platform to create a loving living tribute to the science fiction that they grew up on and helped form them into the dynamic geek duo that they are today. I won’t spoil any of it for you, but there are many references and shout outs to some of the best sci fi films of the past. And only fans would be able to spot most of them.

That very fact may seem to alienate a more mainstream audience at first glance. However Paul manages to keep the story and humor accessible enough that all the references and tributes just add an extra something without being distracting or unrelatable to an audience.

Paul is a film that deserves to have a wider audience than it likely will. But unfortunately this sort of film tends to be a hard sell. I only hope positive word of mouth will help keep it afloat. For anyone that is a fan of sci-fi, Pegg and Frost or a clever different comedy this one is a must see. I give it five and a half beers.

Opening Weekend: Out On a Limb

It’s hard to fit in. You would think that as a pint-sized alien with a very adult sensibility it shouldn’t be so hard, right? Well, that’s obviously not the case if you like eating raw birds, or showing your junk to a couple of Brits in a Winnebago. And what about that misfit guy who gets the gift of a lifetime and is now suave all of a sudden? Has he ever heard of “Never making a deal with the devil?” I would think that’s part of taking the “I’m now awesome” drug 101. And well, no one ever likes lawyers. Those guys are just jackals in loafers. But hardest of them all is fitting into high school. That’s the worst. Well especially if you look like a young Jeff Spicoli. That’s just gotta be extra hard.

Let’s see how they all make it work.

Paul:

So far the reviews aren’t in the toilet! Success. Well, at least if you’re Seth Rogen.

Simon Pegg and Nick Frost (Hot Fuzz, Shaun of the Dead) reunite for the comedy adventure Paul as two sci-fi geeks whose pilgrimage takes them to America’s UFO heartland. While there, they accidentally meet an alien [Seth Rogen] who brings them on an insane road trip that alters their universe forever.

What you can expect: More aliens. EVER MOAR! Well, okay. Obviously our fascination with space and the naked men that live there hasn’t abated. No matter how many times we see aliens we always find them to be interesting, I guess. But now this one tells jokes! Seth Rogen will be witty in an off-color way. He’ll say some crass things, and there may be some significant toilet humor. This is Seth Rogen we’re talking about. Some guest appearances by the likes of Jason Bateman, Kristin Wiig, and Bill Hader in addition to Peg and Frost will keep the funny going. We suspect there will be a few heartwarming moments here. Not E.T. heartwarming but enough for the viewer to say, “Aw.” And that may be enough.

What could annoy: It’s another alien movie. With two alien movies opening back-to-back, moviegoers may have to choose, and it’s possible that Big, Bang, Boom, will still win out over small duck out of water alien story. And well, Seth Rogen. Not everyone finds his sloppy-guy humor funny. It’s like the second generation of Adam Sandler, and that dude’s movies are pretty unwatchable. Here’s hoping Seth keeps it all in the safe zone and leaves more of the silly, less urbane comedy to the Sandler and James duo. We have a feeling Wiig, Hader, and Bateman will be natural scene stealers. Let’s hope they use their talents in the best way possible.

Limitless:

Well apparently there are limits, and these hover somewhere around mediocre.

Aspiring author Eddie Morra (Cooper) is suffering from chronic writer’s block, but his life changes instantly when an old friend introduces him to NZT, a revolutionary new pharmaceutical that allows him to tap his full potential. With every synapse crackling, Eddie can recall everything he has ever read, seen or heard, learn any language in a day, comprehend complex equations and beguile anyone he meets as long as he keeps taking the untested drug.

What you can expect: Much, much posturing by Bradley Cooper. A frenzied roller coaster of a ride that changes aesthetically based upon which state Cooper’s character is in. DeNiro will attempt to give the suspense thriller its gravitas, and Abby Cornish its heart, but it really is all Cooper’s show. From the slick and flashy to the downtrodden and morose, it will be up to Cooper to convey exactly what the character is thinking and feeling as the levels go from mid-range to heightened and then crashing back down to reality.

What could annoy: There may be too much suspension of belief involved, and Cooper’s character may be too slick and stylized to work on a few levels. It’s possible the notion of using drugs in such a carefree manner could feel a bit irresponsible. In addition, where the movie could have more of an impact, and really dig a bit deeper into the aspects of the drug, it’s possible the movie glosses over those parts and uses Cooper’s penchant for comedy to carry the moment.

The Lincoln Lawyer

Hey McConaughey may have a bit of a hit on his hands! Who knew? Well, that’s a reason to wear a shirt, right?

Mickey Haller (Matthew McConaughey) is a Los Angeles criminal defense attorney who operates out of the back of his Lincoln sedan. Haller has spent most of his career defending garden-variety criminals, until he lands the case of his career: defending Louis Roulet (Ryan Phillippe), a Beverly Hills playboy accused of rape and attempted murder. But the seemingly straightforward case suddenly develops into a deadly game of survival for Haller. Based on the best-selling novel by Michael Connelly.

What you can expect: Richard Roeper says that it’s a “return to classic court room drama“. Wow, when was the last time we’ve seen that outside of NBC’s cancelled Law & Order series? Surely not in a film in a long time. Viewers may recall that when McConaughey was at his best, before all the romantic comedies wherein he played the same swaggering southern cad, he blew audiences away as the passionate lawyer in A Time to Kill. If he’s bringing half the talent he displayed then to this offering now, than that’s a formula for success.

What could annoy:
The screen adaptation of Michael Connelly’s legal thriller could  be a big bite for the movie to chew. There may be a few formulaic plot points and a slight level of predictability that could belie the efforts of Matthew McConaughey’s work, but that isn’t the large consensus. So far the critics are lauding the efforts of a chest-covered McConaughey, but very little at this point has been stated about the acting of Cruel Intentions star Ryan PhilliPeePee. The double Pee is obviously trying to jumpstart his flagging career, and the coupling with McConaughey could help with that…that is if moviegoers can overlook all the duds McConaughey has put out lately and go see this film.

Indie Pick of the Week

Win Win:

The reviews so far are pretty awesome.

Struggling attorney Mike Flaherty, who volunteers as a high-school wrestling coach, takes on the guardianship of an elderly client in a desperate attempt to keep his practice afloat. When the client’s teenage grandson runs away from home and shows up on his grandfather’s doorstep, Mike’s life is turned upside down as his win-win proposition turns into something much more complicated than he ever bargained for.

What you can expect: An emotional journey, and a good story to boot. Seems to be a quiet unobtrusive movie, but buoyed by heart and a wealth of compassion. There are comedic moments that roll off the tongue of Paul Giamatti with ease. He can play the loveable schlubby guy like no one else in Hollywood. Newcomer Alex Shaffer appears to do more than hold his own. He approaches the role with the same vigor as he does wrestling, with zeal and focus. Amy Ryan is always fantastic, and looks to do more of that here. All in all, a great showing by everyone involved.

What could annoy: Watch the trailer. If that doesn’t pull at your heartstrings, you were made in Steve Jobs’  laboratory.

Hollywood’s Best Laid Plans: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

Hollywood has some truly terrible things in store for us.  There’s really not a whole lot to say. Brendan, take it away…

Brendan Fraser’s Goof-Clap Looks Better Than This Movie: The Mummy star will be in a fish-heist movie. We can’t even begin to imagine what a fish heist movie is. Stealing fish? Hijacking fish? Fish stealing jewelry? Will he be a fish in this movie? Will the fish be him in this movie? So many questions. We imagine once you’ve done Furry Vengeance there’s no going back. None at all. It’s great that he’s embracing his achievements. We’re not even going to elaborate about this thing except to say that there’s fish, gangsters, and it’s going to be called Whole Lotta Sole. ’Nuff said? Yes, for forever.

Daring You to Hate it Again: The Daredevil reboot is coming. Yes! Ha! That’s hilarious. What the hell is Billy Zane doing right now, because The Phantom should be rebooted too! It should be a double feature. When you go to the theater you should get an ant farm or some other awful thing for coming to see these two reboots together. We just think that no other inspired filming could happen. Director David Slade of 30 Days of Night and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse has signed on to helm this fantastic voyage into the recent past. Awesome. We’ll just forget the first movie ever happened. No, no we won’t .

You Need a Director, Bub: Darren Aronofsky, director of Stupid Dancing Swan Bird, has called it quits on another film. Last week we reported that he dropped out of Robocop: Geriatric Gun Metal, because the reboot of this movie is just as useful to the viewing public as say a Weekend at Bernie’s prequel. So, in an epic move to shun all ridiculous crap, Aronofsky has decided he has better things to do than watch Hugh Jackman comb his sideburns in The Wolverine remake, mostly like bide his time until another Oscar worthy script lands in his lap. Are we all that interested in Wolverine? Who are these people who desperately need to see Hugh Jackman smoking a cigar, wearing leather, and growling like a bear? Oh.

I’m Sure Jolie Doesn’t Care: So they’re rebooting Tomb Raider. Yep, that movie that was out a few years ago starring Angelina Jolie’s horrible British accent will get a reboot. The only reason we can fathom is because Jolie is now in her thirties, and is no longer a young ingénue. According to the studio, GK films, the goal is to “create daring new adventures for the young and dynamic Lara Croft.” So as mentioned, we’re sure Jolie doesn’t care, but seriously way to be dicks, GK.

American Sigh: Universal Pictures is making a fourth American Pie movie. Well, it was just a matter of time wasn’t it? No, no not at all! There’s really no excuse for this. How many of these ever need to be made? We understand Jason Biggs is probably sitting in his condo not totally sure where he went wrong. Somewhere between smushing a pie and landing in that atrocious Kevin Smith movie with the Affleck and the J.Lo., which would be enough to make anyone question their destiny, but for that to manifest itself in another American Pie movie just seems like the work of Direct-to-DVD Gods who’ve been gifted one shot at a feature film, and yes, this is what they chose to go with…blowing a trombone out its ass and gluing its hand to their nethers. Brilliant.

Baywatch Movie Currently Only Living in Ivan Reitman’s Head: And hopefully it won’t leak out, run for the door, and find its way to a studio. Reitman sounds pretty emphatic about what a full length film about boobadocious lifeguards, and the men who suck in their stomachs running beside them, will be. This mostly sounds like an idea dreamt up after a poker game full of hoagies and stogies in an unfinished basement in Cleveland. This does not sound like the idea of a prolific filmmaker who’s serious about his movie projects. We wish him luck with that whole Ghostbusters thing and getting Bill Murray to strap on a proton pack again, but let’s leave the Baywatch film to the American Pie folks, ‘kay? Focus, Reitman.

LaBeouf Gets a Little Horny: The stuttering Monchichi despite anyone watching the first two Transformers movies has landed the title role in an adaptation of Joe Hill’s novel Horns. He’ll play a twenty-something who wakes up after an all night bender with horns growing out of his head. People will feel compelled to tell him their darkest secrets, he’ll act erratically, and then his girlfriend is murdered. Guess who’s the prime suspect? Yep, ole “No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no,” Shia. He’ll be hunted. Certainly. Well, if not for this than definitely for signing on to play a small hairy monkey-man named Chaka in Michael Bay’s claymation psychedelic comedy Transformers and the Space Sleestacks.

Casting News:

The Hunger Games gets an Oscar nominee. Jennifer Lawrence fresh off her gripping turn in last year’s Winter’s Bone has landed the lead role in The Hunger Games. She’ll play Katniss, the girl who joins a survival contest to save her community. Lawrence was the clear frontrunner beating out Hailee Steinfeld and Abigail Breslin for the role.

Hot-loins Tom Hardy will star in the new Mad Max: Fury Road movie. Filming isn’t set to begin until January 2012. The project starring Hardy and Charlize Theron (Where has this chick been?) has been delayed, but for Hardy we’re willing to wait.

Drew Barrymore
will take on her second directorial project with an adaptation of Liz Tuccillo’s novel How to Be Single. The romantic comedy will most likely be filmed in the same vain as He’s Just Not That Into You, a movie we didn’t really like, and really don’t need to see again in any format, but eh, we like Drew Barrymore and Whip It was pretty cute.

Brie Larson who plays Toni Collette’s rebellious daughter on The United States of Tara has landed the role of Molly in Sony Picture’s 21 Jump Street movie. Jonah Hill, Channing Chips N Dip’ems Tatum, and Ice Cube will also star.

Another week chock full of people doing awful things. We need Tom Hardy to save us. He will save us, right? Mel Gibson’s poltergeist of a career won’t stop him will it? We’ll need Jodie Foster in a proton pack.

I Watched Battlefield Earth on Purpose

On the surface, Battlefield Earth seems like a simple enough story. In the year 3000 an advanced alien species called the Psychlos conquers Earth in nine minutes, force the remaining humans into manual labor in a dome outside Denver, humans lead an uprising based on their ability to learn how to fly F-18 fighter jets in a matter of minutes and they live happily ever after while John Travolta is locked in a cage.  Sounds promising, right?

For some reason, the movie has been on my hard drive for years. I somehow forced a friend to join me in this two hour spectacle. We both figured that there was no way the movie could live up to its terrible reputation. People were just bagging on it because of the Scientology connection and everyone else was doing it, we were sure of it. Mother of God we were wrong. This movie is absolutely, without any shred of doubt, the worst movie I have ever seen in my two decades of cinema-going existence. There isn’t a single redeeming quality to it. The acting is poor, the dialogue is so laughably bad there is no comparison except for the comments section of a newspaper website. Combine the previous two and it still wouldn’t match the complete train wreck that is the directing and costume designs.

“But Chad” you say, “I’m still not convinced. Lord Xenu would never allow such a travesty to happen. Surely your thetan levels are causing interference.” To that I say, shut the fuck up and behold these bullet points of truth:

  • You could take the entire filmography of John Woo and it still wouldn’t compare to the use of slow motion in this film. The running time is two hours, I’d venture at least 45 minutes of it is spent in slow-mo.  Slowmo porn.
  • The ENTIRE movie is filmed at an angle. It’s as if the director just finished a class at film school where they learned about angled camera shots and decided, “Hey you know what, that was pretty cool! I’m going to make a movie where it’s nothing but that!”
  • Doing Eiffel 65 Proud
    118 minutes of Dutch Angle hotness.

    Also, after his lesson on camera angles, he must have watched Heat because it feels like someone spread a bunch of blueberry jam on the screen. Every scene, no matter the location, has some kind of blue tint to it.

  • It’s hard to actually delve into the plot of the film without going on a massive tirade. But let’s just go into some of the more ridiculous details:
    • The John Travolta character, for reasons I don’t remember is forced to stay on Earth for a really long time and run the slave labor camp. He devises a plan to escape by training a human in all the practices of his alien culture and wisdom (which apparently consists of geometry). In a move no one could have predicted, the human uses his now superior intellect to lead a successful uprising.
  • The humans in the movie alternate from speaking perfect English, being able to comprehend the Declaration of Independence and apply it to their current situation, and learning how to fly F-18 fighter jets after a single flight simulation, to acting like cavemen capable of only guttural moans. The difference is never explained, but that’s just part of the movie’s charm.
  • On the other hand, the Psychlos’ language apparently consists of maniacal laughter and an accent that ranges from British to that character on The Simpsons who always says “Yessssssss!” And their beverage of choice is similar in look and color to radioactive ooze.

    Click the image for video goodness.

There’s not much else to say. This movie is awful in almost every regard. There is nothing about it that would compel me to watch it again. No amount of weed, cocaine, sexual favors or chocolate covered raisins could get me to waste another two hours on this dreck.

Monday Box Office: Extraterrestrial Dominance

Apparently we like things that blow up, sound like Johnny Depp, really should make us want to hug our moms, and are full of magical headwear — where hats and hoods abound.

Let’s see who made a little money this weekend.

1) Battle: Los Angeles — $36 million

BOOM!: The Movie made a good hunk of change this weekend. And just why wouldn’t it? It’s not everyday Alien attack movies show up to make bank at the box office. Usually they just peter along with all their special effects and flashy spaceships and the American public is like, “What? Space aliens that attack the country and some guy has to save the world, and there will be, like, explosions and gun battles, and maybe a full out war? Huh? No, I don’t want to see that. I don’t want to see that at all. Survivor: Season 900 Billion Twenty-Seven is on. That’s what I’m doing today. Whatever, aliens.” Given this, we’re going to assume the success of this movie is an anomaly that won’t be repeated.

2) Rango — $23 million

Officer Tom Hanson along with a team of young-looking police officers have started an undercover unit that specialize in youth crime. He will clean up those mean streets by infiltrating every high school known to man and then eventually hook up with a crazy-haired necrotic gremlin and go on to make several surreal, foppish, strange, and endlessly similar movies until he hooks up with Disney and runs around dressed like a pirate at a Michael Kors fashion show…and then out of nowhere appears a Gecko.

3) Red Riding Hood — $14 million

Amanda Bynes, Colin Firth’s illegitimate daughter, was in retirement when this was made. Fortuitous! This means there was a movie available for Amanda Seyfried, freed from the Big Love Compound of Endless Pronouncements About The Principle, to take on this miraculous gem of a film about werewolf threesomes, Gary Oldman’s waning career, and Jeremy Irons’ son doing some sort of hot-sexy teen grimace. Apparently some of you cared about who the werewolf was. Many more of you didn’t. I just think they should have said, “This is Twilight, but less so, so here, watch this silly thing about fairytale werewolves and Amanda Seyfried’s big kewpie eyes, because, really, that’s all we’ve got.”

4) The Adjustment Bureau — $11 million

The power to adjust the world and cause paradoxical ripple effects lies in the hands of Justin Timberlake’s hat choices from 2007. Right? Right. Seems simple enough. Oh, and then there’s Matt Obama Damon running for Senator of New York and talking about change, and being a real candidate. We’ve heard that one before, Matt! Ha! Take your magic hat and do something like end war and dictatorship! No? You want to be with a girl. Well, okay. What girl? A British girl. Um, okay. You do know that we were once under their rule, right? And that they call us Yankees. And that they eat lots of tea and cake (So un-American, the tea and cake) and something called Bangers and Mash, and they Shag and Wank, and say Bollocks, and make a ssshhh sound when they say Schedule, instead of the American scckkkkkk sound? But you want to risk everything for her though, right? Okay, Brilliant!

5) Mars Needs Moms — $6 million

Oh, ho! Disney made some money off of this thing about one-dimensional mom characters. There was a fight over broccoli, a boy who didn’t give a fig that his mom was taken by aliens, and when he finally stopped jumping on Mars’ trampoline, he asked his overlords if they could find his mom by miming vacuuming a rug, because Disney believes that all mothers have vacuum cleaners extending from their shoulders in place of actual hands. Yup. Let’s all see this little movie about June Cleaver and The Beaver “Aww, momming” and “Now, Beaving” their way into the copious annals of Disney history for now and forever through to the year 2050, when moms will become princesses and husband Charming will ride along and give their lives new meaning and replace those vacuum hands with singing birds! The End.

Disaster Movie Showdown

Today’s post is brought to you by Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus.

This Syfy movie classic features Golden Globe nominated actor Lorenzo Lamas and showcases the musical stylings acting prowess of one, Deborah Gibson. However, the real stars of this straight to TV gem are the giant octopus and mega shark. These ancient rivals eat airplanes out of the sky and bite through tons of steel because their hatred/love for each other runs so deep that it transcends time(think Ronnie and Sammi from the Jersey Shore).

Throughout history, beasts and gladiators have been forced to fight each other in the public domain. Now I will force these movies (some of which actually had a showdown at the box office) to do battle. Also, there are some SPOILERS below for those of you that are bothered by them.

First up:

Deep Impact Vs Armageddon

Deep Impact
(Domestic Gross: $140 million  Budget: $75 million)

Asteroids are coming to destroy earth! Government cover-up? Why yes! A plan to save earth? Indeed! This film also comes with the backup plan that will only save a select few because the first is doomed to fail…or is it? In it’s journey to hit every plot point in the worldwide disaster handbook, Deep Impact actually achieves quite a bit of pathos. This is due in part to there actually being a plot and some pretty decent acting on behalf of the talented cast of Vanessa Redgrave, Maximilian Schell, Tea Leoni, President  Morgan Freeman, Leelee Sobieski, and that kid from North. Oh, and I can’t forget Robert Duvall in a nice turn as the doomed savior of the planet.

This film does indeed have a plot, and allows you to connect to most of the characters. While Tea Leoni doesn’t really have the voice to actually be a news anchor, she pulls of the role well and her scenes with  Redgrave, her mother, and Schell, her father, are definite stand-outs. The film also does what few disaster movies do and that is let the plan fail. The part of you that wants to see the bad guy succeed gets its fill when an amazing CGI wave takes out half the cast. The other part of you that likes normal endings to movies also has something to work with when Duvall and Co. save the rest of the cast by sacrificing themselves.

 

Armageddon
(Domestic Gross: $201 Million  Budget: $140 Million)

Asteroids are coming to destroy earth! This time there are only 18 days to stage a rescue mission to destroy an asteroid the size of Texas! The obvious choices to destroy the miniature planet that is hurtling towards earth are Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck, obviously. They are good at drilling both oil and Liv Tyler (well not Bruce). This choice is handed down by the head of NASA, Billy Bob Thornton. I mean they had enough wherewithal to build a shuttle but not to train anyone to use it, really? The rest of the rescue team is populated by Michael Clarke Duncan, Will Patton,Steve Buscemi, a crazy Russian, and some other people. They quickly learn to navigate a space shuttle and wear spacesuits and they are ready to go save the world. But then there is Liv Tyler, poor old Liv, no one realizes that she has the most to lose in this situation! Yet, they take off anyways but not before Liv and Ben make love while listening to music by her real-life dad, Steven Tyler….strange.

Just like in Deep Impact, the rescue team has their fair share of problems and at one point are feared dead. Liv Tyler is distraught at this news but luckily they are alive and on the asteroid. They drill to their hearts content but to no avail, time is running out and someone MUST stay behind to save the earth! The obvious choice is Ben Affleck, because no one wants him around. So in the end, Bruce Willis stays behind, because he tricks Ben into leaving (not that hard to do, apparently). The comet is split in two mere feet from the surface of the earth but somehow manages to miss! Success! Except, Bruce Willis, Liv Tyler’s fake dad is dead but at least she has poor Ben to marry her so there’s that, ya know.

 

DECISION

Armageddon won at the box office but Deep Impact won over the scientists. There are bigger stars in Armageddon but more talented people in Deep Impact. More things get destroyed in Deep Impact than Armageddon, which is always a plus. Plus, Armageddon is kind of a hodge podge while Deep Impact has a definite story.

 

WINNER

Deep Impact! I was going to treat you to some awesomely amazing fan videos about the love story between North and Leelee Sobieski but decided the trailer was good enough.

 

 

2012 vs The Day After Tomorrow

2012

Resident crazy, Woody Harrelson thinks the world is going to end in 2012, just like the Mayans said it would. But Woody Harrelson, has plenty of evidence in his trailer to back things up. The Mayans just had a calendar. Exhibit 1. He has a map to a special place in China where the governments of the world are building things to save rich people from being destroyed with the rest of the world. Probably spaceships.  Exhibit 2. The earth crust displacement theory was backed by Einstein who said it could indeed happen causing massive cataclysmic events including melting the earths face off. Exhibit 3. Weird government types are monitoring the volcano beneath Yellowstone National Park, which means the biggest volcano ever is about to take out the whole of the western US. Luckily, limo driver extraordinaire and published author, John Cusack, is able to put all of that together and just in time to save Amanda Peet (his ex-wife) and the her boyfriend the doctor, along with his kids.

They drive through collapsing buildings and avoid mountains that appear out of nowhere and just in time to get in a plane and take off while the rest of LA literally falls into the sea. As luck would have it they also escape the biggest volcano explosion in history and happen to run into someone they know who happens to have a giant plane when they land in Las Vegas. What luck! They run out of gas on the way to China but lo and behold the entire crust of the earth has moved and they are only miles from their destination! Amazing! While the plot is a little off the wall,we have Thandie Newton, President Danny Glover’s daughter, and Chiwetel Ejiofor to bring some much needed sanity to the proceedings. Well that is until, wannabe dictator Oliver Platt starts engaging in the normal behavior of someone trying to assert his position in the new world before everyone is even safe.

 

The Day After Tomorrow

Resident crazy, Dennis Quaid is a scientist with actual data that  says a new ice age is coming and so are massive hurricane-like storms the size of entire continents! In conclusion, The entirety of the population of the world north of Oklahoma needs to be evacuated! Immediately! Of course, the hard headed government types treat him like you would treat a homeless crazy person asserting the same ideas even though he has scientific evidence to back it up. Oh no, what to do! Why, Dennis is going to go save his son, Jake Gyllenhall, who is frolicking around Chelsea with Emmy Rossum and some other people. These are smart kids who participate in academic competitions by building rockets and what not  and are obviously completely capable of many great things.

All of the sudden it floods, then freezes, and a new ice age has occurred and the government types are flummoxed. How could they have known?!  Luckily, Jake G and company have hidden in the New York Public library with many other people who survived the initial flash freeze. So the next logical thing the crowd decides to do is go marching out into the cold towards nowhere, but Jake G. and company are much smarter than that and stay at the library, like lost kids in a super market. As it gets colder, they go against everything they have ever been taught and stage a book burning and hope DQ (who thinks ,of all people, he can survive the bitter cold) shows up soon. And that my friends is that, with the exception of some high range helicopters, an odd side-plot involving Jake G’s mother, Sela Ward, and a few strange political messages sprinkled here and there (especially at the end).

 

DECISION:

Even though The Day After Tomorrow is a little more believable, it drags at some parts. While 2012, is full steam ahead almost the entire movie even if it is completely preposterous. However, the earth crust displacement theory is a real thing which lends 2012 a bit of credibility. In addition, the political messages in The Day After Tomorrow are a little distracting while 2012 only really focuses on class division.  Also, basically EVERYTHING is destroyed in 2012 while you don’t get to see as near as much destruction in The Day After Tomorrow. In the end, this was a tough decision.

 

WINNER

2012! And now you get to enjoy a video where computer nerds talk about the effects used to make the Yellowstone volcano eruption!

Coming Soon:

Volcano Vs Dante’s Peak

Independence Day vs War of the Worlds

The Poseidon Adventure vs The Perfect Storm

Opening Weekend: We Come in Peace

Aliens are not done with us yet. This boggles the mind since I can’t imagine what they’re up there thinking about us. Well, possibly that they need to come and collect Charlie Sheen because he’s just an embarrassment to their entire race, and maybe given the infantile joy myself and others get out of ABC’s Wipeout, that we probably aren’t potty-trained, but nonetheless, something about us is still interesting to the spaceman. Marvin and his fellow Martians don’t give us enough credit. In a fight we’d hold our own (Unity!), and then we’d become enslaved (Defeat!), but jokes on them because they’d find out that eating us would be counterproductive since we’re loud and mostly chewy. Right? Right. Viva La Rebellion.

Battle: Los Angeles

Well, this was a quick death. The reviews are abysmal.

For years, there have been documented cases of UFO sightings around the world – Buenos Aires, Seoul, France, Germany, China. But in 2011, what were once just sightings will become a terrifying reality when Earth is attacked by unknown forces. As people everywhere watch the world’s great cities fall, Los Angeles becomes the last stand for mankind in a battle no one expected. It’s up to a Marine staff sergeant (Aaron Eckhart) and his new platoon to draw a line in the sand as they take on an enemy unlike any they’ve ever encountered before.

What you can expect: Aliens! Aliens Invading! Military types will try to save humanity from an alien attack. Probably lots of desperate scenes with people leaving families, losing loved ones, the expected amount of shock, horror, and perseverance that coincide with movies of this type. It’s a familiar trek. Aliens come, people freak out, it becomes obvious that they want the planet to become a scorched hole, we fight, etc. etc.  There’s Aaron Eckhart as the plucky hero. Michelle Rodriguez (Lt. Vasquez, always) donning military gear per usual. All that’s missing from the trailer is the scientist/academic/crazy basement lair person who knew this was coming because he or she read the microwave frequency in a glass of water or something.

What could annoy: While the trailer was pretty good, and it struck just the right tone of humanity coupled with the threat of extinction — we’ve seen this before, no? The last decade or so have been full of the Alien Attack movies in earnest have they not? Regardless, we as the movie-going public still get excited by the prospect of a good alien movie, but we may be starting to tire of this particular tread. It’s probably time for a new twist on this old genre. Also, a brief word about Shaky Cam can we just retire this please? Yes, yes, we get it. You want DOCUMENTARY STYLE FILMMAKING but really, it’s just annoying and sick-making, and no one leaves a theater saying, “You know that movie was great, but there just wasn’t enough shaky cam.” See? We don’t think it adds anything. So, you know, stop.

Mars Needs Moms:

And apparently a better movie. So far the reviews are out of this world and circling the drain.

Take out the trash, eat your broccoli-who needs moms, anyway? Nine-year-old Milo (Seth Green) finds out just how much he needs his mom (Joan Cusack) when she’s nabbed by Martians who plan to steal her mom-ness for their own young. With the help of a tech-savvy, underground earthman named Gribble (Dan Fogler) and a rebel Martian girl called Ki (Elisabeth Harnois), Milo just might find his way back to his mom-in more ways than one.

What you can expect: Kid-fare, light and easy. Possibly set out to be a slightly message-y movie about not taking moms for granted. It’s high on adventure and kids being sassy and goofy. The producing team are veterans at churning out these little tales. It probably doesn’t bring anything altogether new to the story aspect of films of this ilk, meaning no great emotional moments. It’s just more of the “Kids like Aliens too” ideal that goes along with the recent releases of Megamind and Monsters vs. Aliens.

What could annoy: The fact that this little movie is showing in 3-D and in IMAX theaters. It doesn’t seem like something that should get so much technology. Perhaps this is a test run for other bigger Disney movies with which they really want to play with all those new-fangled 3-D ideas? While I love Joan Cusack, the pairing of her as the mom and Seth Green as the son is a little strange, right? They’re twelve years apart. I’m not sure how that works, but okay.

Red Riding Hood:

Well, yeah, those reviews say something — something bad.

Valerie (Amanda Seyfried) is a beautiful young woman torn between two men. She is in love with a brooding outsider Peter (Shiloh Fernandez), but her parents have arranged for her to marry the wealthy Henry (Max Irons). Unwilling to lose each other, Valerie and Peter are planning to run away together when they learn that Valerie’s older sister has been killed. As the death toll rises, Valerie begins to suspect the killer could be someone she loves. Panic grips the town as Valerie discovers that she has a unique connection to the killer-one that inexorably draws them together, making her both suspect…and bait.

What you can expect: Twilight starring Amanda Seyfried. That’s mostly it. This is classified as horror. Hmm, okay, well I guess. The trailer goes for a lot of visual fluff. Lots of stark red images against the palest of backdrops, even Seyfried is a pale backdrop. It looks like a juiced up teen romp and that’s probably what it’ll deliver. There’s a lot of “pause for dramatic effect” scenes in the trailer. We’re supposed to be drawn into the suspense of the whole who is the wolf thing, but this didn’t work so well for last year’s The Wolfman remake or M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village, which this seems vaguely reminiscent of.

What could annoy: The Twilight trope. We’ve seen it. And frankly the next Twilight installment with a new director seems like a better bet in this genre than this watered down version. Amanda Seyfried could annoy if you don’t like her particularly. She has come a long way from using her boobs as a weather vane in Mean Girls, but is she really ready to be the opening draw for a movie all her own? We’ll see. Mostly it looks like the movie is planning to get by with pretty people with smoldering glances. Okay. And Gary Oldman, just what are you doing in this thing?

Indie Pick of the Week:

Certified Copy:

This one is getting rave reviews. Naturally.

Juliette Binoche won the Best Actress prize in Cannes for her performance in this playful and provocative romantic drama. Binoche plays a gallery owner living in a Tuscan village who attends a lecture by a British author (opera star William Shimell) on authenticity and fakery in art. Afterward, she invites him on a tour of the countryside, during which he is mistaken for her husband. They keep up the pretense and continue on their afternoon out, discussing love, life and art, and increasingly behaving like a long-married couple. But are they play-acting on a whim, or is there more to their seemingly new relationship than meets the eye?

What you can expect: A lush locale and Juliette Binoche…’nuff said? Yes. It looks like a blissful little jaunt into Tuscany and some interesting discussions about life and love to boot. There looks to be some circumstances that lend themselves to clandestine meetings and how to navigate attraction and passion. The one-on-one interaction and chemistry is what is at the heart of this movie. Binoche doesn’t appear to be the same colorful free spirit that she once was in Chocolat, but even as a pedestrian in a new situation she still brings depth and humor to the screen.

What could annoy: Too much Tuscany? Too much Binoche doing that Binoche-y thing she does…which is awesome. Perhaps for some. If you don’t like the dissection of a relationship then the face-to-face characterization of one seen here may not be to your liking.

Here’s a link to the trailer just in case you missed it:

Certified Copy

Hollywood Heartbreak: Forever Channing

Is he the muse of our generation? Likely. We just can’t get enough of this dancing shagstick.

It must be his superb gift for catapulting us out of reality with his dearth of acting prowess. Literally we just don’t know where we are when we watch him scintillate on the big screen. We think babies weep with profound joy at his mere utterances. I’m sure they do. I’ve seen it. Babies just stop what they’re doing and are completely mesmerized by the ethereal tones spoken by this glowing beacon of a Messiah, and softly they weep. They know they’ll never match the glorious theocracy of the chosen McTatum Jesuspants. I know I won’t, ever.

The following is what he’ll bring to the masses, soon children…soon.

Pan: Oh, holy bulging tights! The Channing’s meat roll will be covered in nylon and flying through the air like a zip line of sex hurtling across the cosmos! Would we like that? Well, shamefully, yes. Of course we would. Who wouldn’t want a sky full of Channing dong? No, seriously. Okay. The Tasty Tatum Tater, screenwriter Billy Ray, and producer Joe Roth have pitched Pan, an origin story from J.M. Barrie’s classic character of Peter Pan, to Hollywood studios. Apparently the story has entered into the public domain, so that means it’s open season for all thrustdimples with barely an acting résumé to try and stuff the story into their overfilled jockey shorts and play matchmaker with a studio. The Roth guy is currently producing Oz, The Great and Powerful for Disney and Snow White and the Huntsman for Universal. Billy Ray Cyrus Writer-Person has adapted popular Suzanne Collins YA novel The Hunger Games. So their interest in yet another fantasy story to mash with their money fists is not surprising. The “WTF nugget” is Channing Tatum. Is he hoping to star in this remake? Produce? Rub the contract on his loins? I dunno. I guess we’ll find out.

G.I. Joe: 2: Paramount Pictures is a silly place with silly ideas. Weren’t we all on the same page in our collective obese hatred of G.I. Joe: I Can Make Robot Noises With My Mouth? I thought this was understood. You thought so too, right? Well, somebody didn’t wake up the Paramount execs when this was screened so obviously they’re under the impression that we thought the first one of these things was like Shakespeare covered in cheesecake or something. Filming this fall is Channing Steak Tartare Meatgiggles and a returning Wayans Brother possibly Marlon (the Wayans brother is unconfirmed). However, director Stephen Sommers is out — because he’d like not to have his name attached to another steaming pile of monkey dung. Jon Chu director of Step Up 2: The Streets, Step Up 3D and Justin Bieber: Never Say Never is stepping in. So, dancing and warbling like a stray cat on a fence while making robot noises with their mouths, then? In the aftermath of Paramount announcing Chu as Sommers’ replacement, some voracious twittering happened by Rachel Nichols (Um, yeah, I don’t know who that is) who played Scarlett in the first film (Oh, her! Really, who is she?)  who says adamantly that only Tatum GrindThighs and two other dudes who played Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow (By Mattel)  will return. Tough words from a chick who no one remembers! She’ll be back.

Robocop Remake Gets A Brazilian: First of all, have you guys seen Peter Weller lately? Yoikes. He looks like he fell into a whiskey bottle trapped under a leather couch and just emerged as a fusion of the two. Not good. Anyway they’re moving forward with this movie about police-borgs, or Picard-cops, or robot-Romulans. Darren Aronofsky, director of stupid Natalie Portman birds, and Hugh Jackman’s boyfriend named Wolverine, is out. I assume because MGM was having buttloads of financial trouble, and because he was just nominated for a fooking Oscar. You can’t almost win a fooking Oscar and then go direct Robocop: Geriatric Gun Metal. So in comes Brazilian director Jose Padilha who very few people have heard of. Now that that’s settled all they need is a screenwriter. You mean Robocop: Geriatric Gun Metal can’t write itself? I would think robot with guns kills bad guys and then says unfunny robotic quip about breaking the law and breaking skulls or some such drivel. No? Okay. Fans of the Robocop movies are not happy about this turn of events. Fans of the Robocop movies need to find more girls to talk to.

Percy Jackson Will Moonwalk: So the youngest member of the Jackson family will get a sequel to Disney’s 3-D action movie Captain EO. Prepare for Epcot to be Sold. Out. Wait. No. Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief that little fantasy movie about Gods with magic penlights and men with goat feet will get a sequel called Something and a Sea of Monsters. Percy will have to save his little satyr friend, i.e. man with the goat legs, from a Cyclops while also attempting to find the Golden Fleece. So mythical and multitask-oriented is that Percy Jermaine Jackson. The screenwriting team of Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski, Agent Cody Banks, That Darn Cat, Ed Wood and The People Vs Larry Flynt, will make sure Percy gets his Potter on (That Darn Cat!). Most of the cast will be back, because what is there to do — go see the sequels of every other teen fantasy movie coming out this year like Harry Potter: Death to Smoochy, and Twilight: Pulsing Uteri. Plan for this to hit your theater around 2013 or so. You have a couple years to find out what a satyr is and all about that Golden Fleece if you care, or you can just wait to watch this thing celebrate ancient polytheism and a whoring Zeus with all his half-god bastards — six of one.

Blade Runner Last of the Mohicans: So it comes down to this, eh? Most every Sci-Fi film from the 1980’s is already slated for destruction so why not Blade Runner? Alcon Entertainment (The Blind Side, The Book of Eli) and Warner Bros. have secured the film and television rights to produce prequels and sequels to this. We all hope if they’re gonna do it, that it’s a movie sequel/prequel because we’ve already seen Buck Rogers and we don’t want to go back there again no matter how many Twiggies you seduce us with, and mostly because NBC will fuck that shit up. The i09 guys got some sort of exclusive with the producers that told us absolutely nothing about what this will be! Except that there will still be Replicants! Goody! I guess. Whatever. Leave it alone. They discussed the lore and all that, but mostly we’re just excited for Cowboys and Aliens. This is how we’ll get our Harrison Ford fix.

Casting News:

Looks like King Aragorn from that movie with all the slow walking trees may join the rebooted Superman reboot. He may be cast as General Zod (Kneel!). We’re not sure how we feel about Viggo in a black jumpsuit, though. Could be sexy. Could look like he’s got tacos wrapped up in a chest sling. We’ll wait for the first stills.

That’s it. Channing wants to Sex U Up. Robocop is stupid. The name Percy sounds like a miniature schnauzer. The Blade Runner prequel/sequel death march will send us screaming into a fetal position, and we’re not sure Viggo in a jumpsuit will make us lustful or bloated. We need a Tums.

* All references to our savior Channing Tatum are dedicated to Richard Lawson.

Reel Previews: Rubber (2011)

I love movie trailers – come deconstruct them with me!

(Don’t cloud your judgement! Watch the trailer then read my rant.)

Rubber (April 01 2011* |Magnet Releasing)

*US Release date. Shown at the Cannes Film Festival in May of 2010.

(Advanced apologies for the sailor cussin’. It is necessary, as you’ll see in the trailer above/review below).

My first exposure to this movie was the poster. Very different from the orange and blue movie posters currently dominating the walls of cinemas these days. The thumbnail on the Apple trailers site was so small, I couldn’t see the tagline. I simply assumed that it was some sort of documentary on the millions of tires choking landfills and making our planet a sad and dirty place to live. For a split second prior to this I also thought of condoms (rubber, condoms, geddit?! Mind perpetually in the gutter, or just feeling horny these days? Hmm….*rubs chin*).

But assumptions make an ass out of the person doing the assuming, and I felt like an idiot thinking that this was some sort of environmental wake-up call to the materialistic masses. This is not a documentary.

Rubber Movie Poster
The poster has a grindhouse feel, doesn't it?

My first clue was at the very beginning of the trailer, when the fucking tire spins and gets up and starts rolling itself down the fucking road going on his merry way whatthefuckisthisfuckeryhisnameisRobert?!?!

So yeah, colour me confused. And really, really fascinated. Because he gets pulled over. By Babylon – *cough* I mean, the cops. The tire turns around and fucking blows the head of one of the cops to fucking smithereens ohmyholyshitiamdyingthisishilarious!

Just give me a sec while I catch my breath and wipe the tears from my eyes.

Okay! So this is a horror movie about a killer tire. If that isn’t the higher heights of brilliancy, I don’t know what is. And so, on the movie’s premise alone, I know that this is a must-see film. But does the rest of the trailer hold up to my heightened expectations? I mean, what are you supposed to expect from a movie about a murderous car part?

I suppose this could be a horror-comedy hybrid that the filmmakers, after puffing up some high grade hydro spliffs, though would be good for a laugh, not realizing that you’re not supposed to go through with any ideas you come up with when you’re high. Or it can a serious avant-garde film with deep themes and other bullshit that would just go over my head.

A brilliant idea then occurred to me and I tried a little thought experiment: re-watch the trailer again, but pretend that the tire is a person. How would I perceive the trailer then? Turns out, it was kinda hard to do. The film does look like a mixture of camp and artistic, though. The camp definitely comes from the tire itself, as well as the numerous jokes such as the briefing with the cops (“Is it black?” HAHAHA!) and the obligatory horror/suspense movie shower scene (around the 1:14 mark). But the cinematography and editing look like top notch indie film material.

I actually feel sorry for the damn tire when he forlornly stares at the fire at the 1:54 mark. Did he see the injustice of it all and then turn on mankind à la Falling Down? Is this a complex character study of a good tire gone bad? And just who the hell is this ‘visionary’ filmmaker Quentin Dupieux and his composers Mr. Oizo and Gaspard Augé? (Hint: one of these things is not like the others.) This is so confusing! Movies as ridiculous as this should look and sound shitty and have terrible, cringe-worth acting. And yet, it doesn’t seem to have any of these traits.

My final judgement is that it probably doesn’t matter; I will be seeing this (if I can) whatever the filmmaker’s intentions. Do you think the trailer sold you on the movie? Because it surely fucking did for me!

If you missed them, read the previous installments of Reel Previews here (The Mechanic) and here (Winnie-The-Pooh).

Sunday Matinée: Beware the Full Moon

You’re running, tearing through the brush, the pain is excruciating. It feels like your entire body is on fire. And things, well things are moving under the skin…stretching, lengthening, doing things that shouldn’t be done, shifting in a way that isn’t humanly possible. The fire in your gut is spreading faster and faster. Your sweat-slicked body is doubled over from the constant pain and fear of what is happening inside. Something, yes something, is attempting to claw its way out, and with it take your sanity. The first bones break and then realign themselves, then the next few, and the next, now everything is cracking and breaking under some otherworldly power. And your face, well your face…it’s no longer yours. It’s longer, wider, and now hair, coarse and abundant, is seeping out of your skin like water sluicing off a stone. Your screams that once sounded quite human now they sound…just like a monster. From pitiless and ravaged to menacing and vicious. Finally the pain…it ends. You are now a beast, hulking in form. Your hands are murderous claws, fangs have emerged and punched their way through the skin. All of your senses are more alive than ever before, and with a long pull of the air from your massive snout ….now you’re ready to hunt.

Awesome? Scary? All of the above? Yes.

We’ve long had a fascination with the plight of the werewolf. The whole concept of man turning into a large beast, well it’s the things of nightmares and really good movies. In my opinion there is nothing like seeing a really great werewolf transformation. It is the pinnacle of any movie featuring werewolves. We all wait to be awed by the technique. And we feel totally let down if the transformation doesn’t strike the right note of fear, shock, pain, and horror. I consider myself a werewolf purist in this regard. I can instantly tell when a transformation is going downhill. Mostly when you don’t see it happening. If a movie glosses over the transformation, then well, they’ve not done their movie and the genre service. If one minute there’s human and the next there’s wolf (especially a traditional quadruped wolf) then they’ve blown it.

Since the beginning of film about the illustrious werewolf, the mystique was usually held in the curse. And make no mistake, lycanthropy should be a curse. Yes, yes, I know some stories will tell you that it is a regal coming of age experience. And that it is an honor to be a magnificent werewolf. Phooey!  The person who becomes afflicted is certainly damned. He or she is a monster. Why some writer thought werewolves should start shaving their chests and wearing jean shorts is a riddle for the ages. And don’t get me started on leaping into the air and then landing as a large four-legged Pekinese bear. Lon Chaney is surely twitching in his grave.

Aside from any werewolf blasphemy, I love discovering a new entry worth its salt. The latest on my “super spectacular” wolf list is the UK version of Being Human. While the American version tries to stoke the same fires, it’s really the UK version that sails into respectable wolf genre territory. I’m halfway through the second season (So no one ruin the third season for me) and I’m pretty impressed so far with the wolf character “George” played by Russell Tovey. He strikes the right balance of fear, shame, and eventual acceptance of his curse. The horror and resignation is there, but also this sort of subtle charm that belies the real “monster” he can become. There is no CGI (Computer Generated Images) for the audience to lazily rely on. For a television show, an albeit gritty and no-holds barred television show, the graphic detail is phenomenal and the use of traditional special effects is impressive.

I will say this, and I mean it from the bottom of my wolf-lore heart — THERE IS NO PLACE FOR CGI WEREWOLF TRANSFORMATIONS. What would An American Werewolf in London be if David’s transformation resembled that of a large cartoon dog? If Michael J. Fox looked in the mirror to see a computer generated image when he utters, “Geez Louise.” Urgh. CGI is the bane of my supernatural/sci-fi existence. It is so overused, and usually so under needed. It doesn’t give everything depth. In many instances it loses the realism and just launches whatever you’re looking at into “incredibly fake” territory. Don’t think so? Look back at the auspices of this invention and refer to the first Mortal Kombat movie adaptation. Good Gravy! Was that a dragon or maniacal vomit wearing a technicolor dreamcoat? Awful.

Dragons-of-shit not included, why are we so fascinated with the werewolf? Does it speak more to the frailty of man and our ability to feel cursed, or is it some feral knowledge that deep down we feel that there is a beast truly within us, one that we are each in our own ways trying to contain? Perhaps it’s more about the existence of transformation. Maybe we all hope that we can transform into being something more than ourselves. That we have the ability to become something bigger and more powerful, something that is undeniable, and hard to ignore. That we are a force to be reckoned with. There is something about the eventual acceptance and giving in to our circumstances no matter how horrific, or redeeming, that translate. Letting the beast win could be seen as losing your humanity, or possibly it could be accepting the parts of humanity that we often ignore. The choice to be a monster is an individual decision.

Werewolves in movies are not the sole interpretation of the likes of Stephenie Meyer and her bevy of non-shirted hunk-wolves. No, cinema and television have been the birthplace of the wolf for generations. And each new generation adds just a bit more to the lore to make a complete compendium of wolves from bipeds to quadrupeds, to full shifters to half shifters, to teenage wolves, wolves backpacking, girl wolves, boy wolves, middle aged wolves, medieval wolves, and King of Pop wolves — the curse runs the gamut.

But as we get even further into the 21st century the evolution of the werewolf is bound to take on even new shapes so to speak. Werewolves have often played second fiddle to their fellow monster brethren. Vampires have taken over the show, Zombies and their penchant for apocalypse have overshadowed the wolf, and aliens still manage to rake in movie dollars. The plight of the werewolf in modern times has been significantly reduced, mostly landing them in the B-movie category. Or shamefully worked into an overwrought period piece with not enough new elements to add to the genre, and relegating it to workable CGI (that they’ve built the whole movie on) and stunted acting from the stars of such film. See: Benicio Del Torro and Anthony Hopkins in a remake of The Wolfman. But I think the return of the wolf is coming, because just how many beautiful undead creatures can we really watch, and just how many chemical outbreaks can cause the Walking Dead? Somewhere, someone will establish a righteous ode to the moon cursed. And I’ll be waiting.

Here are some of my  particular favorite Werewolf films:

  • An American Werewolf in London — Classic. A comedy but with some really terrifying scenes
  • The Wolfman original — Iconic film sets the standard
  • The Howling — Great effects. Often comedic but still a scary turn
  • Silver Bullet — Stephen King and one evil mofo werewolf
  • Wolf — Nicholson has some brilliant lines in this one, and out acts all his younger counterparts as a wolf with a seriously vicious mid-life crisis
  • Dog Soldiers — Funny, scary, and rife with great lore. Never just hang out at a desolate house in the woods…because wolves could live there
  • Wolfen — Native American wolf legend, murder mystery, a reentry into the wolf genre in the early 80’s.
  • Ginger Snaps — Girl wolves with teen angst. Remarkably impressive in the genre.
  • Teen Wolf — Campy, fun, a must. If for no other reason MJ.Fox is awesome.
  • Underworld — The lesser of the few, but as a newer offering, pretty hard to ignore. Yawr, there’s CGI, but at least they try for a little balance.

Got any others? Let me know what they are and why you like them in the comments, or hate on a few that were just atrocious. Skinwalkers Feh!