Apparently we like things that blow up, sound like Johnny Depp, really should make us want to hug our moms, and are full of magical headwear — where hats and hoods abound.
Let’s see who made a little money this weekend.
1) Battle: Los Angeles — $36 million
BOOM!: The Movie made a good hunk of change this weekend. And just why wouldn’t it? It’s not everyday Alien attack movies show up to make bank at the box office. Usually they just peter along with all their special effects and flashy spaceships and the American public is like, “What? Space aliens that attack the country and some guy has to save the world, and there will be, like, explosions and gun battles, and maybe a full out war? Huh? No, I don’t want to see that. I don’t want to see that at all. Survivor: Season 900 Billion Twenty-Seven is on. That’s what I’m doing today. Whatever, aliens.” Given this, we’re going to assume the success of this movie is an anomaly that won’t be repeated.
2) Rango — $23 million
Officer Tom Hanson along with a team of young-looking police officers have started an undercover unit that specialize in youth crime. He will clean up those mean streets by infiltrating every high school known to man and then eventually hook up with a crazy-haired necrotic gremlin and go on to make several surreal, foppish, strange, and endlessly similar movies until he hooks up with Disney and runs around dressed like a pirate at a Michael Kors fashion show…and then out of nowhere appears a Gecko.
3) Red Riding Hood — $14 million
Amanda Bynes, Colin Firth’s illegitimate daughter, was in retirement when this was made. Fortuitous! This means there was a movie available for Amanda Seyfried, freed from the Big Love Compound of Endless Pronouncements About The Principle, to take on this miraculous gem of a film about werewolf threesomes, Gary Oldman’s waning career, and Jeremy Irons’ son doing some sort of hot-sexy teen grimace. Apparently some of you cared about who the werewolf was. Many more of you didn’t. I just think they should have said, “This is Twilight, but less so, so here, watch this silly thing about fairytale werewolves and Amanda Seyfried’s big kewpie eyes, because, really, that’s all we’ve got.”
4) The Adjustment Bureau — $11 million
The power to adjust the world and cause paradoxical ripple effects lies in the hands of Justin Timberlake’s hat choices from 2007. Right? Right. Seems simple enough. Oh, and then there’s Matt Obama Damon running for Senator of New York and talking about change, and being a real candidate. We’ve heard that one before, Matt! Ha! Take your magic hat and do something like end war and dictatorship! No? You want to be with a girl. Well, okay. What girl? A British girl. Um, okay. You do know that we were once under their rule, right? And that they call us Yankees. And that they eat lots of tea and cake (So un-American, the tea and cake) and something called Bangers and Mash, and they Shag and Wank, and say Bollocks, and make a ssshhh sound when they say Schedule, instead of the American scckkkkkk sound? But you want to risk everything for her though, right? Okay, Brilliant!
5) Mars Needs Moms — $6 million
Oh, ho! Disney made some money off of this thing about one-dimensional mom characters. There was a fight over broccoli, a boy who didn’t give a fig that his mom was taken by aliens, and when he finally stopped jumping on Mars’ trampoline, he asked his overlords if they could find his mom by miming vacuuming a rug, because Disney believes that all mothers have vacuum cleaners extending from their shoulders in place of actual hands. Yup. Let’s all see this little movie about June Cleaver and The Beaver “Aww, momming” and “Now, Beaving” their way into the copious annals of Disney history for now and forever through to the year 2050, when moms will become princesses and husband Charming will ride along and give their lives new meaning and replace those vacuum hands with singing birds! The End.
