Channing Tatum

Is he the muse of our generation? Likely. We just can’t get enough of this dancing shagstick.

It must be his superb gift for catapulting us out of reality with his dearth of acting prowess. Literally we just don’t know where we are when we watch him scintillate on the big screen. We think babies weep with profound joy at his mere utterances. I’m sure they do. I’ve seen it. Babies just stop what they’re doing and are completely mesmerized by the ethereal tones spoken by this glowing beacon of a Messiah, and softly they weep. They know they’ll never match the glorious theocracy of the chosen McTatum Jesuspants. I know I won’t, ever.

The following is what he’ll bring to the masses, soon children…soon.

Pan: Oh, holy bulging tights! The Channing’s meat roll will be covered in nylon and flying through the air like a zip line of sex hurtling across the cosmos! Would we like that? Well, shamefully, yes. Of course we would. Who wouldn’t want a sky full of Channing dong? No, seriously. Okay. The Tasty Tatum Tater, screenwriter Billy Ray, and producer Joe Roth have pitched Pan, an origin story from J.M. Barrie’s classic character of Peter Pan, to Hollywood studios. Apparently the story has entered into the public domain, so that means it’s open season for all thrustdimples with barely an acting résumé to try and stuff the story into their overfilled jockey shorts and play matchmaker with a studio. The Roth guy is currently producing Oz, The Great and Powerful for Disney and Snow White and the Huntsman for Universal. Billy Ray Cyrus Writer-Person has adapted popular Suzanne Collins YA novel The Hunger Games. So their interest in yet another fantasy story to mash with their money fists is not surprising. The “WTF nugget” is Channing Tatum. Is he hoping to star in this remake? Produce? Rub the contract on his loins? I dunno. I guess we’ll find out.

G.I. Joe: 2: Paramount Pictures is a silly place with silly ideas. Weren’t we all on the same page in our collective obese hatred of G.I. Joe: I Can Make Robot Noises With My Mouth? I thought this was understood. You thought so too, right? Well, somebody didn’t wake up the Paramount execs when this was screened so obviously they’re under the impression that we thought the first one of these things was like Shakespeare covered in cheesecake or something. Filming this fall is Channing Steak Tartare Meatgiggles and a returning Wayans Brother possibly Marlon (the Wayans brother is unconfirmed). However, director Stephen Sommers is out — because he’d like not to have his name attached to another steaming pile of monkey dung. Jon Chu director of Step Up 2: The Streets, Step Up 3D and Justin Bieber: Never Say Never is stepping in. So, dancing and warbling like a stray cat on a fence while making robot noises with their mouths, then? In the aftermath of Paramount announcing Chu as Sommers’ replacement, some voracious twittering happened by Rachel Nichols (Um, yeah, I don’t know who that is) who played Scarlett in the first film (Oh, her! Really, who is she?)  who says adamantly that only Tatum GrindThighs and two other dudes who played Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow (By Mattel)  will return. Tough words from a chick who no one remembers! She’ll be back.

Robocop Remake Gets A Brazilian: First of all, have you guys seen Peter Weller lately? Yoikes. He looks like he fell into a whiskey bottle trapped under a leather couch and just emerged as a fusion of the two. Not good. Anyway they’re moving forward with this movie about police-borgs, or Picard-cops, or robot-Romulans. Darren Aronofsky, director of stupid Natalie Portman birds, and Hugh Jackman’s boyfriend named Wolverine, is out. I assume because MGM was having buttloads of financial trouble, and because he was just nominated for a fooking Oscar. You can’t almost win a fooking Oscar and then go direct Robocop: Geriatric Gun Metal. So in comes Brazilian director Jose Padilha who very few people have heard of. Now that that’s settled all they need is a screenwriter. You mean Robocop: Geriatric Gun Metal can’t write itself? I would think robot with guns kills bad guys and then says unfunny robotic quip about breaking the law and breaking skulls or some such drivel. No? Okay. Fans of the Robocop movies are not happy about this turn of events. Fans of the Robocop movies need to find more girls to talk to.

Percy Jackson Will Moonwalk: So the youngest member of the Jackson family will get a sequel to Disney’s 3-D action movie Captain EO. Prepare for Epcot to be Sold. Out. Wait. No. Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief that little fantasy movie about Gods with magic penlights and men with goat feet will get a sequel called Something and a Sea of Monsters. Percy will have to save his little satyr friend, i.e. man with the goat legs, from a Cyclops while also attempting to find the Golden Fleece. So mythical and multitask-oriented is that Percy Jermaine Jackson. The screenwriting team of Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski, Agent Cody Banks, That Darn Cat, Ed Wood and The People Vs Larry Flynt, will make sure Percy gets his Potter on (That Darn Cat!). Most of the cast will be back, because what is there to do — go see the sequels of every other teen fantasy movie coming out this year like Harry Potter: Death to Smoochy, and Twilight: Pulsing Uteri. Plan for this to hit your theater around 2013 or so. You have a couple years to find out what a satyr is and all about that Golden Fleece if you care, or you can just wait to watch this thing celebrate ancient polytheism and a whoring Zeus with all his half-god bastards — six of one.

Blade Runner Last of the Mohicans: So it comes down to this, eh? Most every Sci-Fi film from the 1980’s is already slated for destruction so why not Blade Runner? Alcon Entertainment (The Blind Side, The Book of Eli) and Warner Bros. have secured the film and television rights to produce prequels and sequels to this. We all hope if they’re gonna do it, that it’s a movie sequel/prequel because we’ve already seen Buck Rogers and we don’t want to go back there again no matter how many Twiggies you seduce us with, and mostly because NBC will fuck that shit up. The i09 guys got some sort of exclusive with the producers that told us absolutely nothing about what this will be! Except that there will still be Replicants! Goody! I guess. Whatever. Leave it alone. They discussed the lore and all that, but mostly we’re just excited for Cowboys and Aliens. This is how we’ll get our Harrison Ford fix.

Casting News:

Looks like King Aragorn from that movie with all the slow walking trees may join the rebooted Superman reboot. He may be cast as General Zod (Kneel!). We’re not sure how we feel about Viggo in a black jumpsuit, though. Could be sexy. Could look like he’s got tacos wrapped up in a chest sling. We’ll wait for the first stills.

That’s it. Channing wants to Sex U Up. Robocop is stupid. The name Percy sounds like a miniature schnauzer. The Blade Runner prequel/sequel death march will send us screaming into a fetal position, and we’re not sure Viggo in a jumpsuit will make us lustful or bloated. We need a Tums.

* All references to our savior Channing Tatum are dedicated to Richard Lawson.