Hollywood has some truly terrible things in store for us. There’s really not a whole lot to say. Brendan, take it away…
Brendan Fraser’s Goof-Clap Looks Better Than This Movie: The Mummy star will be in a fish-heist movie. We can’t even begin to imagine what a fish heist movie is. Stealing fish? Hijacking fish? Fish stealing jewelry? Will he be a fish in this movie? Will the fish be him in this movie? So many questions. We imagine once you’ve done Furry Vengeance there’s no going back. None at all. It’s great that he’s embracing his achievements. We’re not even going to elaborate about this thing except to say that there’s fish, gangsters, and it’s going to be called Whole Lotta Sole. ’Nuff said? Yes, for forever.
Daring You to Hate it Again: The Daredevil reboot is coming. Yes! Ha! That’s hilarious. What the hell is Billy Zane doing right now, because The Phantom should be rebooted too! It should be a double feature. When you go to the theater you should get an ant farm or some other awful thing for coming to see these two reboots together. We just think that no other inspired filming could happen. Director David Slade of 30 Days of Night and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse has signed on to helm this fantastic voyage into the recent past. Awesome. We’ll just forget the first movie ever happened. No, no we won’t .
You Need a Director, Bub: Darren Aronofsky, director of Stupid Dancing Swan Bird, has called it quits on another film. Last week we reported that he dropped out of Robocop: Geriatric Gun Metal, because the reboot of this movie is just as useful to the viewing public as say a Weekend at Bernie’s prequel. So, in an epic move to shun all ridiculous crap, Aronofsky has decided he has better things to do than watch Hugh Jackman comb his sideburns in The Wolverine remake, mostly like bide his time until another Oscar worthy script lands in his lap. Are we all that interested in Wolverine? Who are these people who desperately need to see Hugh Jackman smoking a cigar, wearing leather, and growling like a bear? Oh.
I’m Sure Jolie Doesn’t Care: So they’re rebooting Tomb Raider. Yep, that movie that was out a few years ago starring Angelina Jolie’s horrible British accent will get a reboot. The only reason we can fathom is because Jolie is now in her thirties, and is no longer a young ingénue. According to the studio, GK films, the goal is to “create daring new adventures for the young and dynamic Lara Croft.” So as mentioned, we’re sure Jolie doesn’t care, but seriously way to be dicks, GK.
American Sigh: Universal Pictures is making a fourth American Pie movie. Well, it was just a matter of time wasn’t it? No, no not at all! There’s really no excuse for this. How many of these ever need to be made? We understand Jason Biggs is probably sitting in his condo not totally sure where he went wrong. Somewhere between smushing a pie and landing in that atrocious Kevin Smith movie with the Affleck and the J.Lo., which would be enough to make anyone question their destiny, but for that to manifest itself in another American Pie movie just seems like the work of Direct-to-DVD Gods who’ve been gifted one shot at a feature film, and yes, this is what they chose to go with…blowing a trombone out its ass and gluing its hand to their nethers. Brilliant.
Baywatch Movie Currently Only Living in Ivan Reitman’s Head: And hopefully it won’t leak out, run for the door, and find its way to a studio. Reitman sounds pretty emphatic about what a full length film about boobadocious lifeguards, and the men who suck in their stomachs running beside them, will be. This mostly sounds like an idea dreamt up after a poker game full of hoagies and stogies in an unfinished basement in Cleveland. This does not sound like the idea of a prolific filmmaker who’s serious about his movie projects. We wish him luck with that whole Ghostbusters thing and getting Bill Murray to strap on a proton pack again, but let’s leave the Baywatch film to the American Pie folks, ‘kay? Focus, Reitman.
LaBeouf Gets a Little Horny: The stuttering Monchichi despite anyone watching the first two Transformers movies has landed the title role in an adaptation of Joe Hill’s novel Horns. He’ll play a twenty-something who wakes up after an all night bender with horns growing out of his head. People will feel compelled to tell him their darkest secrets, he’ll act erratically, and then his girlfriend is murdered. Guess who’s the prime suspect? Yep, ole “No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no,” Shia. He’ll be hunted. Certainly. Well, if not for this than definitely for signing on to play a small hairy monkey-man named Chaka in Michael Bay’s claymation psychedelic comedy Transformers and the Space Sleestacks.
Casting News:
The Hunger Games gets an Oscar nominee. Jennifer Lawrence fresh off her gripping turn in last year’s Winter’s Bone has landed the lead role in The Hunger Games. She’ll play Katniss, the girl who joins a survival contest to save her community. Lawrence was the clear frontrunner beating out Hailee Steinfeld and Abigail Breslin for the role.
Hot-loins Tom Hardy will star in the new Mad Max: Fury Road movie. Filming isn’t set to begin until January 2012. The project starring Hardy and Charlize Theron (Where has this chick been?) has been delayed, but for Hardy we’re willing to wait.
Drew Barrymore will take on her second directorial project with an adaptation of Liz Tuccillo’s novel How to Be Single. The romantic comedy will most likely be filmed in the same vain as He’s Just Not That Into You, a movie we didn’t really like, and really don’t need to see again in any format, but eh, we like Drew Barrymore and Whip It was pretty cute.
Brie Larson who plays Toni Collette’s rebellious daughter on The United States of Tara has landed the role of Molly in Sony Picture’s 21 Jump Street movie. Jonah Hill, Channing Chips N Dip’ems Tatum, and Ice Cube will also star.
Another week chock full of people doing awful things. We need Tom Hardy to save us. He will save us, right? Mel Gibson’s poltergeist of a career won’t stop him will it? We’ll need Jodie Foster in a proton pack.
