Today’s post is brought to you by Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus.
This Syfy movie classic features Golden Globe nominated actor Lorenzo Lamas and showcases the musical stylings acting prowess of one, Deborah Gibson. However, the real stars of this straight to TV gem are the giant octopus and mega shark. These ancient rivals eat airplanes out of the sky and bite through tons of steel because their hatred/love for each other runs so deep that it transcends time(think Ronnie and Sammi from the Jersey Shore).
Throughout history, beasts and gladiators have been forced to fight each other in the public domain. Now I will force these movies (some of which actually had a showdown at the box office) to do battle. Also, there are some SPOILERS below for those of you that are bothered by them.
First up:
Deep Impact Vs Armageddon
Deep Impact
(Domestic Gross: $140 million Budget: $75 million)
Asteroids are coming to destroy earth! Government cover-up? Why yes! A plan to save earth? Indeed! This film also comes with the backup plan that will only save a select few because the first is doomed to fail…or is it? In it’s journey to hit every plot point in the worldwide disaster handbook, Deep Impact actually achieves quite a bit of pathos. This is due in part to there actually being a plot and some pretty decent acting on behalf of the talented cast of Vanessa Redgrave, Maximilian Schell, Tea Leoni, President Morgan Freeman, Leelee Sobieski, and that kid from North. Oh, and I can’t forget Robert Duvall in a nice turn as the doomed savior of the planet.
This film does indeed have a plot, and allows you to connect to most of the characters. While Tea Leoni doesn’t really have the voice to actually be a news anchor, she pulls of the role well and her scenes with Redgrave, her mother, and Schell, her father, are definite stand-outs. The film also does what few disaster movies do and that is let the plan fail. The part of you that wants to see the bad guy succeed gets its fill when an amazing CGI wave takes out half the cast. The other part of you that likes normal endings to movies also has something to work with when Duvall and Co. save the rest of the cast by sacrificing themselves.
Armageddon
(Domestic Gross: $201 Million Budget: $140 Million)
Asteroids are coming to destroy earth! This time there are only 18 days to stage a rescue mission to destroy an asteroid the size of Texas! The obvious choices to destroy the miniature planet that is hurtling towards earth are Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck, obviously. They are good at drilling both oil and Liv Tyler (well not Bruce). This choice is handed down by the head of NASA, Billy Bob Thornton. I mean they had enough wherewithal to build a shuttle but not to train anyone to use it, really? The rest of the rescue team is populated by Michael Clarke Duncan, Will Patton,Steve Buscemi, a crazy Russian, and some other people. They quickly learn to navigate a space shuttle and wear spacesuits and they are ready to go save the world. But then there is Liv Tyler, poor old Liv, no one realizes that she has the most to lose in this situation! Yet, they take off anyways but not before Liv and Ben make love while listening to music by her real-life dad, Steven Tyler….strange.
Just like in Deep Impact, the rescue team has their fair share of problems and at one point are feared dead. Liv Tyler is distraught at this news but luckily they are alive and on the asteroid. They drill to their hearts content but to no avail, time is running out and someone MUST stay behind to save the earth! The obvious choice is Ben Affleck, because no one wants him around. So in the end, Bruce Willis stays behind, because he tricks Ben into leaving (not that hard to do, apparently). The comet is split in two mere feet from the surface of the earth but somehow manages to miss! Success! Except, Bruce Willis, Liv Tyler’s fake dad is dead but at least she has poor Ben to marry her so there’s that, ya know.
DECISION
Armageddon won at the box office but Deep Impact won over the scientists. There are bigger stars in Armageddon but more talented people in Deep Impact. More things get destroyed in Deep Impact than Armageddon, which is always a plus. Plus, Armageddon is kind of a hodge podge while Deep Impact has a definite story.
WINNER
Deep Impact! I was going to treat you to some awesomely amazing fan videos about the love story between North and Leelee Sobieski but decided the trailer was good enough.
2012 vs The Day After Tomorrow
Resident crazy, Woody Harrelson thinks the world is going to end in 2012, just like the Mayans said it would. But Woody Harrelson, has plenty of evidence in his trailer to back things up. The Mayans just had a calendar. Exhibit 1. He has a map to a special place in China where the governments of the world are building things to save rich people from being destroyed with the rest of the world. Probably spaceships. Exhibit 2. The earth crust displacement theory was backed by Einstein who said it could indeed happen causing massive cataclysmic events including melting the earths face off. Exhibit 3. Weird government types are monitoring the volcano beneath Yellowstone National Park, which means the biggest volcano ever is about to take out the whole of the western US. Luckily, limo driver extraordinaire and published author, John Cusack, is able to put all of that together and just in time to save Amanda Peet (his ex-wife) and the her boyfriend the doctor, along with his kids.
They drive through collapsing buildings and avoid mountains that appear out of nowhere and just in time to get in a plane and take off while the rest of LA literally falls into the sea. As luck would have it they also escape the biggest volcano explosion in history and happen to run into someone they know who happens to have a giant plane when they land in Las Vegas. What luck! They run out of gas on the way to China but lo and behold the entire crust of the earth has moved and they are only miles from their destination! Amazing! While the plot is a little off the wall,we have Thandie Newton, President Danny Glover’s daughter, and Chiwetel Ejiofor to bring some much needed sanity to the proceedings. Well that is until, wannabe dictator Oliver Platt starts engaging in the normal behavior of someone trying to assert his position in the new world before everyone is even safe.
Resident crazy, Dennis Quaid is a scientist with actual data that says a new ice age is coming and so are massive hurricane-like storms the size of entire continents! In conclusion, The entirety of the population of the world north of Oklahoma needs to be evacuated! Immediately! Of course, the hard headed government types treat him like you would treat a homeless crazy person asserting the same ideas even though he has scientific evidence to back it up. Oh no, what to do! Why, Dennis is going to go save his son, Jake Gyllenhall, who is frolicking around Chelsea with Emmy Rossum and some other people. These are smart kids who participate in academic competitions by building rockets and what not and are obviously completely capable of many great things.
All of the sudden it floods, then freezes, and a new ice age has occurred and the government types are flummoxed. How could they have known?! Luckily, Jake G and company have hidden in the New York Public library with many other people who survived the initial flash freeze. So the next logical thing the crowd decides to do is go marching out into the cold towards nowhere, but Jake G. and company are much smarter than that and stay at the library, like lost kids in a super market. As it gets colder, they go against everything they have ever been taught and stage a book burning and hope DQ (who thinks ,of all people, he can survive the bitter cold) shows up soon. And that my friends is that, with the exception of some high range helicopters, an odd side-plot involving Jake G’s mother, Sela Ward, and a few strange political messages sprinkled here and there (especially at the end).
DECISION:
Even though The Day After Tomorrow is a little more believable, it drags at some parts. While 2012, is full steam ahead almost the entire movie even if it is completely preposterous. However, the earth crust displacement theory is a real thing which lends 2012 a bit of credibility. In addition, the political messages in The Day After Tomorrow are a little distracting while 2012 only really focuses on class division. Also, basically EVERYTHING is destroyed in 2012 while you don’t get to see as near as much destruction in The Day After Tomorrow. In the end, this was a tough decision.
WINNER
2012! And now you get to enjoy a video where computer nerds talk about the effects used to make the Yellowstone volcano eruption!
Coming Soon:
Volcano Vs Dante’s Peak
Independence Day vs War of the Worlds
The Poseidon Adventure vs The Perfect Storm