I want to start by saying the case of Baby Joseph is heartbreaking.
This little boy, only fifteen months old, is suffering from a terminal illness. He’s going to die. His Canadian doctors said if the boy was taken off a ventilator at at his most recent hospitalization, he would die. Those doctors refused to perform a tracheotomy on him. So the parents started asking doctors in the US for help. The Children’s Hospital in Detroit was among those that said no. SSM Cardinal Glennon Children’s Medical Center in Saint Louis said yes. Continue reading →
Good morning little birds! Oh dear, oh me, oh my! You’re all covered in residue from the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. And on Earth Day too! We’ve got to get you cleaned up, but we’re all out of Dawn™ or whatever detergent is the one that has those commercials of workers cleaning ducks. Covered in black gold on Earth Day! Oh dear, oh me, oh my! Let’s get clean with Joseph:
There! All clean! You’re no longer an endangered species! We’ve saved you! But because you’re all such individuals, maybe you are endangered. We know for sure that LaZiguezon is endangered. That Canadian weather, man! We don’t think we could handle it and we live in Southwest Ontario*! Anyways, it’s Life, Death and Violence™, America’s number one source for environmental journalism** and jokes about The French™. Oh, the French™! And on this day, the anniversary of the greatest environmental tragedy ever perpetuated on the world by those smarmy English®, we bring you people and events that matter to their sworn enemies for all time, no matter what any treaty says! That’s right, we’re talking about The French™ so surrender your seriousness and grab a baguette, we’ve gotta get going or we’ll miss the last bus to Giverny! France shuts down on Good Friday (they’re good Catholics, well, the France we romanticize is), so we’re going to talk about what happened yesterday! OMGSHUTUPLETSGO
LA VIE!
(En ce qui entre parenthèses est absolument vide de sens)
Michel Rolle: 1652: That hair! So French™! A mathematician, which explains the adult onset acne*** (or is that supposed to be scruff?), he developed Rolle’s Theorem which states that “a differentiable function which attains equal values at two distinct points must have a point somewhere between them where the first derivative (the slope of the tangent line to the graph of the function) is zero” or f'(c)=0. He also hated calculus, which isn’t surprising since Wikipedia says he deserves to be credited with the invention of Gaussian elimination which stems from Newton’s notes and Newton invented calculus. J’accuse Rolle! J’accuse! The French™! Always at war with The English®! There is no known portrait of Rolle. Newton slashed them all****.
1774: Jean Baptiste-Biot: Watch out everyone! Rocks can fall from the sky at any moment! Not only that, they’ve been sent this way by aliens! Three run homer for the Orion Warriors! And The French™! They believed him! Meteorites are now considered scientific fact as opposed to sports history, which, really is a shame, because the Warriors went all the way that year for the first time in a lightyear*****.
Jean-Baptiste, and how could he not be French with that smug face, also participated in the world’s very first hot air balloon ride! Is anyone shocked by the fact that the French conquered hot air? Anyways, he rode with some gay guy named Lussac. They talked about physics, if you know what we mean.
He also studied polarization which gave us LCD televisions and camera filters. Bow to your French master. He lived in Paris, he died in Paris. He knew how fucking magnets worked.
1972: Gwendal Peizerat: Listen Gwendy, ice dancing is not a sport. No matter how many medals you win (silver at Nagano, gold at Salt Lake), no matter how much the Olympics tries to legitimize it, ice dancing is not a sport. Couldn’t you have been a figure skater like your cousin****** Jean? He never amounted to anything, but at least he had some athleticism!
All you have is jazz and a pretty face, Fabio. You’re from Bron for chrissakes. You couldn’t do something more befitting of the Brawny paper towel guy? Oh, you don’t know who that is, Fabio? Of course you don’t. Get back to your theatrics, pretty boy. I’m sure the high school quarterback is really as interested in you as you want him to be. We’re sure he is.
Anyways, we’re sure that after your “career” is over you can sell fake butter and be on romance novel covers. Oh wait, that job’s already taken by actor slash model Fabio! Dance away Gellert Grindelwald. Dance into the sunset and do your French thing. We don’t care.
LA MORT!
(La mort est tout sauf féminin, à moins, bien sûr, il est le résultat d’une cession)
1142: Pierre Abélard: Peter was a sexxxy theologian who is famous for sexxxing sexxxy French nun*******Héloïse. With all those accents and umlauts, how couldn’t he find her attractive? They met at the Notre Dame (the Parisian one) and it was love at first sight. She with her deep knowledge of classical letters in Greek, Latin and, oh!, HEBREW and him with his ability to spout theology and philosophy to thousands at once! Oh! Le petit mort! How couldn’t they be together? But, oh, it wasn’t to last. After one particular petit mort, Héloïse’s womb grew and grew until out popped a baby boy named Astrolabe (who would later become the inspiration for the Japenese AstroBoy********)
To appease her uncle, they married secretly, so as not to harm Peter’s Important Man Career™. The uncle, j’accuse!, announced the marriage publicly and after Pierre sent Héloïse to a convent, Fulbert, the uncle, castrated him! He castrated him! Why? Because he thought Pierre wanted to be rid of Héloïse who was then forced to become a nun and write letters saying how sad she was because all she ever wanted to do was be a can can dancer at the Moulin Rouge which hadn’t even been built yet which is probably why Fulbert was always so confused by his niece. She spouted crazy talk. Witch? Maybe that’s why she was forced to be a nun. She was a witch*********.
1699: Jean Racine: He wrote plays at the same time as Moliere and was considered one of the Big Three. Unlike Moliere, he wrote tragedies. He drank too much and died of liver cancer. Obviously, the following video is all that needs to be said of Jean:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hXzKnVgMdU
LE VIOLENCE!
(Dans lequel je suis pas par des traducteurs)
1809: Battle of Eckmühl: Oh, it’s on. It’s on like Donkey Kong! BANG! POW! SHOOT EM UP! Napoleon took control of the horribly named “Campaign of 1809” after having to, oh my god le grande mort, retreat eleven days earlier after a surprise attack when the war began. However, Napoleon didn’t know that the French garrison of Ratibone had fallen to the Austrians and inadvertently gave the remaining Austrian calvalry (since he killed about a third of Austria’s army) a route to escape. Damn Austrians. Why can’t you just let The French™ have what’s theirs!? Oh, because it’s not? Oh, well, that seems fair. You go on with your bad selves. Bee tee dubs, Napoleon the Short (ohmahgawdguyzthatssowittyandoriginal) showed up and rotated the entire French army with his mere presence. Now, that’s a leader!
Re-cue "You Sexy Thang" here.
D’AURES TRUCS SYMPA QUI S’EST PASSÉ AUJOUD’HUI!
(Certains cela n’a rien à voir avec le français)
753: OMG NEW AND IMPROVED! Twins found Rome™! Rome™ conquers France sometime later.
33: OMG BETRAYAL! Judas betrays his buddy for some silver. The French™ go cuckoo for the buddy sometime later.
1519: OMG SHINY! French neighbor’s Spanish son Hernan lands in Veracruz and begins slaughtering everyone due to his gold-lust. The Aztec™ never saw it coming until sometime later.
1898: OMG WAR! The United States (patent pending), with land purchased sometime before by The French™, declare that they’re at war with Spain! The Spanish find out sometime later
1910: OMG A COMET! It flies over France and the rest of the world, too, we guess, but mainly France.
1910: OMG SAD! Comedian Mark Twain, born under a comet, on land originally owned by The French™ sometime before the Louisiana Purchase, dies under the same comet that flies over France and, we guess, Connecticut, but mainly France.
1952: OMG SECRETARIES! It’s Secretaries Day! Canadian fellow David Rakoff has a story about how when he was an assistant at a publishing company, he and all the other assistants would take the day off so as not to be confused as secretaries. These shenanigans would obviously go over well with the class obsessed French.
1994: OMG ASTRONOMY! How many Poles does it take to find an extrasolar planet? Just one! Aleksander Wolszczan! Poland is near France (sort of, not really) and we know that the aliens on extrasolar planets are just goo goo for French cinema. We just know it!
You know what? Fuck The French™. We always liked American boys better. See you on Tuesday, birds, for more historical accuracy. We’re outta here (until Photo Phriday. Stop by that!)!
*Southwest Ontario is what we call Detroit. Mainly because of Tim Horton’s and hockey.
**Life, Death and Violence is not and has never been America’s number one source for environmental journalism.
***People who study mathematics are no more likely to get adult onset acne than people who study, say, business.
****Mr. Newton is not responsible for the absence of any portrait of Mr. Rolle.
*****We are aware a lightyear is a measure of distance, not a measure of time.
******We have no proof that Mr. Peizerat has a figure skating cousin named Jean.
*******Héloïse did not become a nun until after the culmination of her affair with Pierre. This obviously diminishes how sexxxy they were together.
********Mr. Astrolabe is not the inspiration for AstroBoy.
*********Ms. Héloïse was not a witch. She was a very nice person by all accounts who found herself in a bad situation.
Gurrls, Kay Martina here to lay it out for you with value and style. My sisters and I are ready to pour the “T” for you. Let’s start with Miss Marsha Dimes.
Marsha Dimes here, sweetie, to tell you all about the big mess in the skies. Did you think about flying on a plane any time soon? Well, be sure to send a coffee up to the air traffic controller’s office before you board the plane, miss girl, because they are gonna need it. The FAA’s decision a while ago to cut staff has laid some eggs which hatched in the form of air traffic controllers sleeping on the job. Girl, I know how it is. There I was, working my corner for my usual afternoon shift and then along comes Big Daddy to tell me I need to work the Republican Party headquarters on the overnight shift. Shoot. A girl needs her beauty sleeps before she’s going to party with those freaks. But no, Big Daddy says they want a ladyboy and pronto, so off I go to the hotel, and there they are, slavering away like they do. Oh lord, they move so slow! By the time any of them were ready to do anything, I had fallen asleep in the corner. Just like those air traffic controllers! And don’t you know not one of those selfish Republican bastards would share a bump of coke with me? Hmph. Serves ’em right they had to pleasure themselves on my while I napped. Well, enough about me, I’m gonna throw it to Miss Selma Babiesforcrack.
Selma in the house! I heard over in the UK that more than 80,000 people are on the dole (that’s what they call the unemplerments over there) and the reasons they give for not being able to work are hitting the bottle too hard, being addicted to drugs, or being overweight. Hey now, Amy Winehouse has the first two and she’s got a job, mmmkay? She needs to go on the TV and tell these lazy mofo’s it is time to get off the couch and into the streets. About being overweight, honey, you know there’s always phone sex work. Lots of lonely menz need a friendly voice to talk to and you don’t even have to leave your house. You don’t even have to be able to read for that job, just gots to have a filthy mouth. Stay away from the Orbit gum and you’ll do fine. Now here comes Natalie Attired, and she knows a little something about an oral oopsie.
Yes! Miss Natalie is ready to tell you about Maria Topp, who visited her boyfriend at his house and tried to bite off his balls, honey. Lorena Bobbitt called and said hey, I already worked this corner, miss thing. I’m not sure if this is a statement, her trying to tell him he’s got no balls, but maybe that’s where she was trying to go with this. Then again, it’s hard to tell someone they’ve got not balls when your mouth is full of their balls, so maybe her plan needed a lil more thought before she just went for it.
Miss Frieda Fondle with some loser news for you people — failed actor and right wing nut job Dwight Schultz, former host of a podcast called “Howling Mad Radio,” reports that our President is going to force him to change his gender. Hmm. Let’s see. This child had a very minor part on Star Trek: The Next Generation in the 90’s. And after that? Um, he’s off the radar. So then he does his podcast and lord knows what that is but it sounds like something that Big Daddy charges a lot of money for. So mister freaky deaky says this: “Sometimes when I listen to this administration and I look carefully at the people who have been appointed, I don’t wonder whether or not someday they’re going to be knocking on the door saying, ‘You know, it’s time for your sex change. You got it. It’s in your health care bill. It’s going to make things a lot easier. I promise.’” I don’t know why he thinks that the health care reform bill, which the Republicans totally stripped down and made useless, is going to pay for anything. For reals, okayy? Shoot. You know I can’t get assistance for a pair of heels or a wig hat, I don’t see how this no-talent whiny chile thinks he’s going to get anything out of the feds.
Last up is Miss Sheesa Beehatch, talking about The Donald and his roadkill toupee. Lord, what’s under his wighat? He thinks he can make a run for President as a Republican. A few short years ago, he was all about paying off the deficit, raising taxes, taking care of people. Now, he’s a teabagger, a birther, and he says no more government hand outs, and seriously, no raising taxes on people who have money, mmmkay? I, Sheesa Beehatch, am here to call shenanigans on this. The Donald is just drumming up ratings for his loony fake celebrity show on TV. Carpetbagger. Shooz. He’s a Johnny-Come-Lately, and by that I mean I doubt he has come lately because look at him!
Okay, that’s all the “T” we’ve got for you today. Be sure to pay attention next time when we talk about crazy drunk Russian President Dmitry Medvedev and his shexsay dance moves. Oh shoot, hon, here they are right now.
Up to it, down to it, fuck bitches that don’t do it, we do it cause we use to it, now lift motherfucker, lift. In lifting as in drinking, mantras help. Now chug that wheatgrass shot like a real woman and lift wit yo legs, gurl.
I’m assuming you’re now drunk on anti-oxidants? Which doesn’t mesh with the pain in your thighs and have got you feeling ornery? Good, I’ll get some honest dirt out of you!
Welcome to the Super Squats Club. Your weekly corner to track your (non) workouts, bitch about Becky from Boot Camp, and share the latest (safe) dieting dirt with the snarkiest fools around. Might as well enjoy workout hell. The latest Harvard Business Weekly reports that 70% of winning the interwebz is looking good. We’re on a mission critical assignment here.
One rule to remember, people get sensitive bout their fitness –ish so be nice! It’s like discussing my momma…I may call her Sloppy Cunt but it’s Ms. Jackson to you.
You in? And with that, we’re off. I may bring friends next week if you’re good!
I mean, you’re lucky I saw you. Happily cruising in the bike lane in along 34th Avenue in Queens, watching warily, as I usually do, for cars that don’t bother to signal before pulling out from parking, or people who open doors without looking, or drivers who think the bike lane is a passing or turning lane—you stepped out from between two parked SUVs, in the middle of block, not looking at oncoming traffic, holding the hand of a little girl who was clutching a wrapped birthday present.
Thank God I’d just gotten my bike tuned up for spring, complete with new brake pads. I can stop on a dime. You stepped forward. You stepped back. That made it difficult to ride around you.
So I said, “Excuse me.”
This uncorked a fury inside you. You screamed at me, throwing F-bombs like Mellissa Leo at the Oscars, yelling about how you had more right to be here than me, how I don’t own the street, how I need to leave him alone, how I should go and lose some weight (you lost five points for creativity there, buddy).
New Yorkers are angry at people who ride bikes. Let’s explore why.
First off, bike lanes take away room for cars. There’s no getting around that. Bike lanes take away driving lanes in some cases, and parking spaces in others. It’s interesting that everyone agrees we need to encourage less driving in the city, but no one wants to give up their cars.
That’s the least of the problem. Biking’s problem is that the major cycling advocacy groups have no clue how to win over the public.
Some suggestions:
Cycling advocates need to back cops when they hand out tickets for cyclists committing traffic violations. You want to be treated with respect, helmet-people? Well, start earning it. You’ve got to stop at red lights. You’ve got to yield to pedestrians. You’ve got to stop wearing headphones while biking. Make sure your bike is equipped with the reflectors and bells and lights required by law. Don’t argue with the police officer who stops you for not stopping at a light. She’s only doing her job. When a police officer is directing traffic, his directives also apply to you—not just the cars behind you. Don’t ride on the sidewalk. When the street is too dangerous, dismount and walk. When Central Park is crowded, slow down. This ain’t the Tour de France. In other words, act like adults.
Next: Use that record of law-abiding good behavior to demand from your city representatives that police go after drivers who make conditions unsafe for everyone—other cars, pedestrians, and cyclists. When was the last time you saw someone make a full stop at a stop sign? Stop for a pedestrian in a crosswalk? Use signals on a regular basis? That this driving behavior is allowed to continue unfettered in this city is outrageous.
Can we just get rid of Time’s Up and its ilk? There is a difference between persistence and aggression. Groups like Time’s Up push aggression, hoping to shove bike lanes and bike infrastructure into place. No one likes change to be shoved at them. Present. Sympathize with the opposition. And be willing to compromise. More can be done with talking than with fighting.
Don’t respond to fire with a container of gasoline. When the conservative population in Willamsburg got upset about a bike lane there—largely, it was alleged, because women rode bikes in “immodest clothing” (I wonder how my bike tights would be taken there) the hipsters organized a protest which involved them riding their bikes naked. Turns out it was too cold to ride naked, so the group largely backed out, but that’s not helping. Cyclists came off as a group of entitled brats with a complete lack of respect for everyone around them. That’s not to say the conservatives were right. But it would have been very easy ride onto high road, rather than the low.
Lastly, play nice. Let a car go past you. They’re faster. And heavier. Let an old lady cross the street. Remember this isn’t a race. Realize you’re not the only person on the road. And don’t yell back at peckerheads.
First things first: Nuclear Power is a tricky issue. I don’t expect to solve it in a short article and some snarky comments. Nonetheless, it’s one of the key issues confronting countries around the world as their existing power stations age and (in many cases) as their demands for energy grow, especially in developing countries like China and India.
Second things second: It’s important to look at this issue (like any issue) logically and not with emotional knee-jerk reactions.
What I mean is this. If I show you this picture:
and ask whether cats are cuddly and cute or vicious killers who must be controlled, you’ll at least be conflicted.
If I show you THIS picture:
and ask whether cats are cuddly and cute or vicious killers who must be controlled, I know your answer.
If I ask you what you think of nuclear power after you’ve just seen this:
well…..
But what if I showed you
and asked you whether you want a few hundred more of these going up around the world in the next decade, or whether you would prefer some power stations which don’t use coal or oil or gas and which don’t emit greenhouse gases?
For further amusing and scary information on the way this kind of emotional manipulation can be used in surveys, I highly recommend this classic Yes Minister clip:
Moving on:
What are the advantages of nuclear power? Well, that’s easy, we’ve cited some of them above:
1. No greenhouse gas emissions, or other noxious substances which contribute to acid rain, smog and other air pollutant.
2. Doesn’t use traditional fossil fuels and we don’t seem to be in danger of running out of uranium any time soon.
3. Already commercially viable and practical, and indeed very efficient, for use on the scale of providing power to millions of homes and businesses.
1 & 2 are the advantages over traditional fossil fuel power stations. 3 is the advantage over renewable energy sources apart from hydro power. Naturally, if we could just rely on solar power and wind power for all our energy needs, we would do it. It can’t be done yet. For now, it’s a 2 horse race. Perhaps we’re talking a stop-gap measure for only 5-10 years, maybe we won’t have renewal energy on a practical scale until vicious war halves the population. But every year, more power stations must go up around the world to meet demand, and we’ve got to decide what we want them to be NOW, not in 10 years (or after Thunderdome).
What then are the disadvantages?
1. If a nuclear plant goes bad, it will contaminate the surrounding land beyond habitability forever (until cleaned up, if it can be cleaned up, which will take decades).
2. If a nuclear plant goes bad, it may release radioactive particles into the wind and water which spread far beyond the immediate area, making the health damage more than just a localized issue.
3. Nuclear energy may not produce air pollutants, but it does create noxious waste of another kind which must be stuck somewhere. The more nuclear energy used, the more waste produced and the more secure faraway places we must find to stash the radioactive waste.
4. Risk of uranium fuel sales being diverted into weapons manufacture, or at “best” a “dirty bomb”.
To counter this, one could say: these are all manageable risks. If you don’t mess up running your nuclear plant (and hundreds of such plants around the world, for decades, have run without melting down), 1 & 2 don’t matter. if you can successfully store and partially recycle your radioactive waste (which, so far, has been managed by all nuclear countries), 3 doesn’t matter. If you keep proper security, 4 doesn’t matter. The problems with fossil fuels, on the other hand, cannot be stopped. Fossil fuels will run out, and when you burn them they release tons of air pollutants.
The trouble with that argument is of course, that ignoring Chernobyl, partial meltdowns and major leaks have occurred in the United States, the United Kingdom and now Japan. Few countries are not subject to major earthquakes or floods or other disasters which can affect the safe operation of plants despite all the safety precautions. And now we’re talking about rolling more of the things out in an era of lowest-price-wins construction tendering, in developing countries who haven’t had 30 years of experience to iron out the teething problems, in countries where a $10,000 bribe to divert some uranium isn’t chickenfeed but instead enough money to set a family up for life.
My personal belief is that most if not all nuclear power accidents have occurred with old technology (even the Fukushima reactor at the center of the present crisis is a very old one built to lower safety precautions than are now in use, and which was already overdue to be decommissioned). Countries can safely use nuclear power as a stopgap for renewable energy, and must do so to buy time to get greenhouse gas emissions down, but they should heed the lessons of Fukushima about doing anything on the cheap or taking anything for granted, and if wealthier countries need to chip in a bit to ensure others do it properly and don’t leave nuclear power plants to be built by the President’s brother-in-law and staffed by men paid $1 a day, then they should realise it’s in their own collective self-interest, less a fallout cloud sweep across their borders.
But on the other side, I can see how this will only create a permanent and huge hoard of nuclear waste, to be stored effectively forever, a long-term problem to be managed long after greenhouse gases have been brought under control, and that my idealistic dream of countries acting responsibly in this day and age is overly optimistic, and that fossil fuel power plants are a necessary way of playing it safe, the lesser evil to avoid the catastrophe of nuclear meltdowns.
Or maybe we should just accept global warming is inevitable and plan for how to survive that, not how to shuffle deckchairs on the beach while the tide is rising?
Your thoughts, upon reaching the end of this lengthy post, would be appreciated.
In August 2010 Stephen Harper, the Canadian Prime Minister, took his yearly tour through the Arctic, spending 5 days visiting various spots. Harper loves the Arctic, it would seem. During his tour he made an announcement about funding for a kick-ass new airport in Churchill, Manitoba, checked out a military operation and had a bit of fun with reporters and an ATV. Harper also had strong words for anyone who wants to fuck around in Canada’s part of the Arctic, saying that Canada’s Arctic sovereignty was “nonnegotiable.”
As you can see, it gets a bit messy in the middle there.
Harper is a Conservative and a huge responsibility of being a genuine Conservative is having reason to spout off very robust nationalist rhetoric (and rhetoric is really all it is as Canada still lacks behind every other nation with a stake in the Arctic in terms of real cash investment, but that’s another story for another day). Arctic sovereignty is an ideal issue for Harper to secure his legacy of nationalism and patriotism; a perspective he is very eager for us all the view him from (still waiting on that book about hockey, though). It allows him to emphasize Canada’s North-ness, something we’ve long been associated with (“Oh, honey look, what lovely tundra they have”), talk tough with other countries for once and spend money on new military toys. Add a flag and that’s patriotic gold right there.
However, there are more reasons Canada is suddenly interested in its Arctic sovereignty. There are delicious petroleum resources up there but the extraction of these resources had previously not been economically viable. As global warming continues it war on industry and the human way of life, it is turning the Arctic into a less icy, more habitable frozen hellhole.
Secondly, there is the question of the Northwest Passage, a passage that in this novice’s humble opinion is totally part of Canadian internal waters. However, two of the world’s biggest international bullies the US and Russia insist that it is an international strait or “transit passage,” meaning they want to be able to pass through it whenever they please without having to consult the Canadian authorities. You see, as the ice cover in the Arctic melts away never to be seen again, the possibility of creating a usable shipping route through the Northwest Passage is getting more and more likely. The Americans and the Russians (and to a certain extent countries like Norway and Denmark) want to be able to use it without having to pay tariffs. Would the Americans be as generous if they had a passage that connected the Atlantic and the Pacific? I think not! Quite simply it appears that those fucking Canucks have something that everybody else wants to use and are prepared to use force to get it. For now though we’re still waiting on those icebreakers Harper said he was going to have built back in 2006. Actually it was degraded to eight shittier kinds of boats and then downgraded to six of those shitty boats. The Russians have icebreakers, you know. Nuclear powered ones.
On Wednesday, April 13, the Missouri state legislature voted 85-71 to change the requirements set forth in Proposition B (also called the Puppy Mill Cruelty Prevention Act, or PMCPA), the voter referendum that would have imposed stricter standards of care in the “puppy mills” of the state.
The new legislation, SB-113, removes many of the strongest new standards of care from the original bill, including provisions that require solid cage flooring, appropriate temperature regulation, and a cap of 50 breeding animals per facility.
In a “1984”-esque move, the name of the bill is also changed from the PMCPA to the “Canine Cruelty Prevention Act.”
“In spite of decades of urging by the animal welfare community, the Missouri General Assembly remained silent on the issue of puppy mills until after the voters spoke. The failure of the General Assembly to address the problem is why we finally took this straight to the people,” says Cori Menkin, ASPCA Senior Director of Legislative Initiatives. “And as evidenced by the passage of Proposition B, Missourians care deeply about puppy mill reform. That state legislators are discarding Prop B and ignoring the will of the people they are supposed to represent is appalling, insulting and disrespectful.”
In previous articles, the conditions in puppy mills and pet stores were described in detail; treatment ranges from neglectful to cruel. So, given the abhorrent current situation, why would the legislature have gone against the will of the voters, gutted the bill, and allowed the torture of hundreds of thousands of cats and dogs to continue unabated?
The history of Prop B goes something like this: The measure began as a petition circulated in MO by various animal-welfare groups, including the Humane Society of the United States. Even after the petition was certified with nearly 200, 000 signatures, certain organizations challenged it early and often, with a particularly rabid group, the Missouri Federation of Animal Owners (I urge you to check out this link—it is a particularly good example of the kind of ignorance animal welfare groups go up against), filing a lawsuit in August against Secretary of State Robin Carnahan alleging that the term “puppy mill” was inflammatory and unfair and asking that the measure be removed from the ballot.
The lawsuit was dismissed as frivolous, but protests and anti-Prop B editorials continued, with organizations like the American Kennel Club stating their oppostion to the proposed legislation. However, Prop B passed on November 2, 2010, with a “yes” vote of 51.6%.
The reason it passed by such a narrow margin was largely due to a rural “whisper camapaign” by the agricultural lobby. Using the “slippery slope” argument, they were able to convince many farmers and livestock owners that the proposed legislation would be the first step towards requiring that cows be covered with cashmere blankets and allowed to sleep in owners’ beds at night.
Larry Miller, president of the Southeast Missouri Cattlemen’s Association said, “Down the road it’s going to affect everyone in the United States. They want to abolish all livestock production in the United States. They want to do away with hunting, killing animals for food, fishing. What are we going to eat—soybeans and corn?”
This sentiment has been the main obstacle in passing more stringent regulations in other states, such as Iowa and Indiana, which, not coincidentally, have strong agriculturally-based economies and consequently a large number of puppy mills as well.
This has also been a “Tea Party” Libertarian issue. Though these commercial breeders are already required to register with the state and with the USDA, many in Missouri argue that this is a case of the government forcing excessive regulation on the people.
Never mind that many of these breeders have been cited up to one hundred times by the USDA, which would certainly indicate a lack of effectual governance that could be strengthened by state legislation; since all animals are considered “property” from a legal standpoint, the opposition to Prop B were able to argue that people shouldn’t be mandated to do anything with their personal property.
Because Missouri has the largest number of USDA-registered “commercial” breeders, this would have set the tone for other states, and increased the pressure on legislatures to enact similar measures. Prop B became a dirty fight between the HSUS and the national agricultural lobbies because of this.
Besides lobbyist and “libertarian” opposition, the overall continued demand for purebred animals meant that dismantling the bill would have no effect on consumers. As long as people are willing to purchase pets, and as long as cities and municipalities elect not to enact bans on selling animals (San Franciso tried, but the measure was tabled), sick and mistreated animals will still make the mill owners money.
Ultimately, the governor of Missouri, Jay Nixon, still has to sign the new bill. It remains to be seen whether he will follow the will of the voters who supported this measure, or the will of the agriculture lobby and the cowed (pun absolutely intended) state legistature. Even people who oppose the measure on the grounds of being against more government regulation should be able to see that the voters did decide on this issue, and the measure should be enacted accordingly.
Here’s what you can do: contact the governor of Missouri directly if you are a resident and urge Gov. Nixon to veto SB-113. Please don’t call if you aren’t a resident of Missouri, but still consider sending an email to let him know that the will of the people and the future of animals in the United States are at stake.
If you live in a state where “puppy mill bills” are on the agenda, like Oklahoma, Texas, Nebraska and Hawaii, urge your representatives to work to pass them. Donate to the HSUS and the ASPCA. Work with your local government to stop the sale of animals- this is the best way, ultimately, to ensure that these commercial breeders’ demand dries up. Educate your friends and family about pet stores and puppy mills.
And keep this in mind: “We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals.” – Immanuel Kant
Good morning my little birds and Happy Tuesday! You know, we’ve been feeling like this thing has been going in the wrong direction. More crass than sass, if you get the gist, so on today’s program, we’re going back to basics. Now, that’s a very broad statement, so we must ask ourselves, what do we mean by that? We don’t want to rehash past glories and we certainly don’t want to offend anyone with our blatant inaccuracies, poor judgments and crude jokes (this is, after all, the column that once quipped ‘Remember that group of anti-Nazi protesters whose members were arrested last week, The White Rose? Yeah, they were executed.’), but, honestly, we think there’s too much hot boy. It’s distracting! That’s not to say that we are discontinuing the Life, Death and Violence Crush Object™, but we will be taking a break from the male models for a hot second and going back to that boy we all know and love. That’s right, birds, he’s back:
Hate. It’s a strong word and one that I use a lot. I hate that I hate as much as I do but I try not to think of how meta that is. We’ve all recently discussed things that we hate on Facebook and things that annoy us in general. Today, I would like to break you off with some things that I hate about: THE WORKPLACE.
Cap’n Crunch – These are the people who love potato chips. Fucking love them. In fact, they love them so much that they insist on savoring them for as long as possible…with their mouths open. How the fuck can you take 3 minutes to eat one chip? Ask Cap’n Crunch and they’ll set you straight.
The Turd Burglar – This is the lady or gentleman who never quite learned that there are ways of determining whether or not somebody is in the bathroom stall. They try really hard to barge into your stall like some kind of crazed moose and then say nothing when they realize that they’ve made a mistake.
Havana Omelet – Speaking of bathrooms, it is my opinion that the turd burglar (or TB) has nothing on the Havana Omelet. This person has no shame and will not hesitate to bust ass in the stall next to you with the power of no less than 1.21 gigawatts of rectal fury. Not everyone can control how their bowel movements work out but maybe this person should try avoiding the ghost chili burger at Carl’s Jr, next time.
Howard Hughes – This is the upstanding individual who is convinced that you can get cancer of the butt by merely looking a surface that hasn’t been rigorously cleaned with a disinfectant wipe. Yes, germs are everywhere and they are coming to eat your children but have you ever considered letting your immune system do its job every once and awhile?
Wolfgang Puck – What’s that you brought for lunch, fella? Is that ‘hot sauerkraut goulash’ Hamburger Helper? Eat it in the fucking break room (or parking lot) because it smells like hot garbage.
Casey Kasem – So you like Nickelback? I don’t. Neither do the other people in a 5-mile radius. Remember when I looked at you as though you were the Toxic Avenger and told you that your music sucks? I wasn’t joking. The first clue would’ve been when I followed my first statement up with the words, “I’m not joking”. There is no accounting for taste and there will also be no accounting for where I hide your body.
Clever Name for Ergonomic Keyboard Users – I have no rational explanation for this one. I just really hate when people use those stupid keyboards.
I could go on for days but I would really like to hear what you guys hate.
Michel Rolle: 1652: That hair! So French™! A mathematician, which explains the adult onset acne*** (or is that supposed to be scruff?), he developed Rolle’s Theorem which states that “a differentiable function which attains equal values at two distinct points must have a point somewhere between them where the first derivative (the slope of the tangent line to the graph of the function) is zero” or f'(c)=0. He also hated calculus, which isn’t surprising since Wikipedia says he deserves to be credited with the invention of Gaussian elimination which stems from Newton’s notes and Newton invented calculus. J’accuse Rolle! J’accuse! The French™! Always at war with The English®! There is no known portrait of Rolle. Newton slashed them all****.
1774: Jean Baptiste-Biot: Watch out everyone! Rocks can fall from the sky at any moment! Not only that, they’ve been sent this way by aliens! Three run homer for the Orion Warriors! And The French™! They believed him! Meteorites are now considered scientific fact as opposed to sports history, which, really is a shame, because the Warriors went all the way that year for the first time in a lightyear*****.
