Good morning my little birds and Happy Tuesday! You know, we’ve been feeling like this thing has been going in the wrong direction. More crass than sass, if you get the gist, so on today’s program, we’re going back to basics. Now, that’s a very broad statement, so we must ask ourselves, what do we mean by that? We don’t want to rehash past glories and we certainly don’t want to offend anyone with our blatant inaccuracies, poor judgments and crude jokes (this is, after all, the column that once quipped ‘Remember that group of anti-Nazi protesters whose members were arrested last week, The White Rose? Yeah, they were executed.’), but, honestly, we think there’s too much hot boy. It’s distracting! That’s not to say that we are discontinuing the Life, Death and Violence Crush Object™, but we will be taking a break from the male models for a hot second and going back to that boy we all know and love. That’s right, birds, he’s back:
Today on Life, Death and Violence, America’s Number One Source for Historical Inaccuracy (besides, of course, the Eleventh Edition of the Britannica and CNN* (YEAHWEWENTTHERE)): Strategy. Over the weekend, we were beaten, for the first time in about ten years, by our father at the game of Scrabble. It wasn’t a humiliating loss, like, say, the Gordians’ loss to the Numidians, but we were beaten nonetheless . However, you can’t always have strategy to win a battle, you also need luck. Our father received both when he played JOCK for 120 points and took a lead he never lost. Still, we were gracious and as we sat there in shock, we said to ourselves, ‘Well, we still have Risk and chess.’
Men and Ladymen and Women and Lesbians and Lipstick Lesbians and Everyone Caught Betwixt the Two Genders, unite! We are about to enter into battle with the cowardly, despicable, hideous louse** known as King George on this, the 236th anniversary of the Battles of Concord and Lexington, the historical start of the greatest war ever fought, the American Revolution!
Get ready for finely crafted sillies and JGL lookin’ cute for we will not defeat the English with muskets and cannons, we will defeat them with comedy and desire! At least until that fails and we’re bailed out by the French (Really? The French?). Wake up! We leave now and remember, don’t stab them with your sharply pointed wit until you can see the whites of their eyes, men, ladymen, women, lesbians, lipstick lesbians and everyone caught betwixt the two genders.
- ah-Ten-SHUN!
LIFE!
(In Which General LaZiguezon Sacrifices Her Beloved Mark Ruffalo For the Cause)
Shortly after his death at the Battle at Wounded Clavicle, Mr. Ruffalo’s publicist released the following statement:
I regret that I have but one life to lose for my country. xox MarkPandemonium swept across the land as one of Wisconsin’s great actors was shuffled from his mortal coil at far too soon a date, but why did this have to happen? The news media began a blitzkrieg on the already embattled General LaZiguezon, spewing piece after piece upon what right a female Canadian has to be a general in 18th Century America. The stories were mostly fearmongering, xenophobic, misanthropic and misogynistic, but it did not stop Mr. Ruffalo’s publicist, a friend of the general, whom urged her to flee the country for her homeland of Canada where she would be protected by the French. Wrong turns were taken, a love affair was sparked with Roger Sterling (not John Slattery) and she wound up sipping drinks upon the beach in Barcelona. After a paparazzo snapped pictures of her hedonistic Spanish life, mobs began to form, burning her in effigy, even, according to some reports that had not yet been verified, going to the lengths of lynching a girl who was perceived to be the disgraced general.
After the federal inquiry returned with the data that Mr. Ruffalo had not been killed, that it had been his stand-in, that he had been in a pied-à-terre in Dallas, General LaZig was re-awarded her three stars (General Gawker refused to give her back the fourth***) and given a hero’s welcome. The murderers of her lookalike were tried and found guilty for first degree murder. They were sent to the gallows sometime later.
- 1603: Michele Le Tellier: DIE! HUGUENOTS DIE! This French statesman, shockingly, learned how to strategize and turn the ragtag bunch of Catholic hipsters known as The French Army into a Force To Be Reckoned With™. King Louis XIV was pleased.
- He also urged King Louis to revoke the Edict of Nantes, which granted religious freedom to the protestants. The Edict was revoked as was, ostensibly, the freedom. All Christian has now is Beauty, Truth and Love (which, to be frank, he can’t get because he can’t afford Satin(e)).
- But, how, you may ask, was Le Bank Tellier appointed to the office of Secretary of State for War? Merit, you say? What do you think this is? Post-revolutionary France? No! It was nepotism, silly. He was friends with the Cardinal who gave him the slot.
- Fun Fact: His daughter is the great-great-great-great-great-and-so-on grandmother of the current Prince of Monaco, His Serene Highness Albert II! How cool. Our favorite Monaco royal was, of course, the late great Grace Kelly, whom Kiki Du Rane swears drove herself off that cliff.
- 1658: Johann Wilhelm II, Elector Palatine: You know who know a lot about strategy? The Germans! Elector Palpatine was born in Dusseldorf because Heidelberg had been
transformed into a fabulous art installation by Tyree Guytondestroyed by, who else, the Catholic League! Unlike the Catholics (and primarily, The French™), Senator Palpatine, under the influence of his mistress, advocated for religious freedom and tolerance of other religions. Mistresses do good sometimes! Except when they’re the married ones and their husband goes postal and murders Peter the Tennis Pro (we’ve been watching a lot of Soap lately) - Anyways, Emperor Palpatine’s crowning achievement, besides his art collection, and who doesn’t love a good German art collector, was his coup of the Galactic Senate which led to the creation of Darth Vader who couldn’t be swayed to fight for the Jedi after the death of his wife, Amidala. Palpatine died when he tried to kill Vader’s son, Luke, and Vader got real mad.
- Oh wait, this guy’s name is Palatine. Life, Death and Violence regrets the error.
1658: Johann Wilhelm II, Elector Palatine: You know who know a lot about strategy? The Germans! Elector Palpatine was born in Dusseldorf because Heidelberg had been - 1721: Roger Sherman: What would a piece about strategy and the American Revolution be without one of the signers of that original “F U BRITAIN” document, officially known as The Declaration of Independence. Not only did this man sign it, he helped draft it. Thomas Jefferson noted “That is Mr. Sherman, of Connecticut, a man who never said a foolish thing in his life.”
- Mr. Sherman is also the only person to make the strategic decision to sign all four major papers of the new republic: The Continental Association, The Declaration of Independence, The Articles of Confederation and the much better Constitution.
- He had no legal training, but took the Bar anyways (you can do that? Can you still do that?) and in John Trumbull’s painting “The Declaration of Independence,” Roger is front and center. What a cool guy! And someone we don’t fully remember learning about in history class back in high school. Granted, we went to public school.
1721: Roger Sherman: What would a piece about strategy and the American Revolution be without one of the signers of that original “F U BRITAIN” document, officially known as The Declaration of Independence. Not only did this man sign it, he helped draft it. Thomas Jefferson noted “That is Mr. Sherman, of Connecticut, a man who never said a foolish thing in his life.”DEATH!
(In Which We Discover We Don’t Have Uniforms)
Gee whiz! Golly! What on earth should we wear to the battle? Let’s consult with Goofus and Gallant.
Goofus: Oh, Aubrey! We’re going into battle, not performing a human sacrifice.
Gallant: Joey’s got the right idea! Fatigues and a guitar for when you need to serenade a fellow soldier!
- 1578: Uesugi Kenshin: Now this man was a strategist and the most powerful lord of his period. He was a great warrior, but also excelled at promoting industry within his kingdom (how ’bout that!)! His followers believed him to be an avatar of the Buddhist god of war, Bishamonten.
- His death is a matter of uncertainty. He was either killed by a ninja assassin OR he drank himself to death. Let’s be honest about those options and choose which one we’d like to believe. The brilliant strategist was murdered while in the toilet by an effing ninja or he just imbibed in a little too much sake. The answer here, is obvious. We’d rather believe he drank himself to death because a warrior of his stature would have totally seen a ninja coming.
1578: Uesugi Kenshin: Now this man was a strategist and the most powerful lord of his period. He was a great warrior, but also excelled at promoting industry within his kingdom (how ’bout that!)! His followers believed him to be an avatar of the Buddhist god of war, Bishamonten.- 1906: Pierre Curie: Magnets! How do they fucking work? Pierre, he of the glamour shot, knows! He got his bachelors degree when he was 18, but like all 18 year olds, was far too poor to pursue his doctorate immediately after. When he got around to it though, he wrote his thesis on ferromagnetism, paramagnetism and diamagnetism, so, as previously noted, dude knows how fucking magnets work.
- He’s best known, however, for his work in radiation with his wife Marie, she of the fabulous hair. Together, they discovered polonium and radium. They even have a unit of measure named after them! The curie. Curious thing about the curie though, no one seems to know if it’s named after Pierre, he of the glamour shot, Marie, she of the fabulous hair or both of them, they of the wonderful lab.
- Pierre, he of the glamour shot, took a tidy tumble in the streets of Paris and was trampled by a horse-drawn carriage at the age of 46, which, honestly, has to be one of the most poetic ways to die especially when one takes into account that it was raining. Honest to god tragedy though for Big Science.****
1906: Pierre Curie: Magnets! How do they fucking work? Pierre, he of the glamour shot, knows! He got his bachelors degree when he was 18, but like all 18 year olds, was far too poor to pursue his doctorate immediately after. When he got around to it though, he wrote his thesis on ferromagnetism, paramagnetism and diamagnetism, so, as previously noted, dude knows how fucking magnets work.- 2010: Carl Williams: Last and least ladies and gents, we bring you the story of someone who was just so godawful at strategy. Carl was an Australian drug trafficker who killed a bunch of people he owed money to in Melbourne. The incident was known as the Melbourne Gangland Killings.
- He was married to another drug trafficker and in 2010 was beaten to death by another prisoner. The weapon: Exercise bike. This is why we don’t go to spin class. That and we’re lazy.
- Incidentally, today is Bicycle Day! What’s Bicycle Day, you ask? Why Bicycle Day is a celebration of Albert Hoffman’s (and the world’s) first hit of LSD. His assistant rode him home on a bicycle so that’s why it’s called bicycle day! What a day tripper!
2010: Carl Williams: Last and least ladies and gents, we bring you the story of someone who was just so godawful at strategy. Carl was an Australian drug trafficker who killed a bunch of people he owed money to in Melbourne. The incident was known as the Melbourne Gangland Killings.
VIOLENCE!
(In which we learn that war is all fun and games until someone loses an eye)
- 1775: Get your muskets out, boys! The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming! The Battles of Concord and Lexington start at dawn as the shot heard round the world is fired in Lexington round dawn. Team Washington! We had a chess set with a map of these battles on it and all the pieces were either redcoats or militiamen. It was from JCPenny and was the coolest thing ever in our youth. Fuck yeah, chess! Fuck yeah, America!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0LmYEjXNIg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhdmDDBjco0
- 1961: Cuba wins in the American-backed Bay of Pigs invasion.
- 1995: Oklahoma City bombings: No snark, just sad. Timothy McVeigh and Co. bomb the Alfred P. Murrah building in Oklahoma City, killing 168 people, including 19 minors. He was arrested an hour and a half later after being pulled over for not having plates on his car and carrying a weapon without a permit. An elm, now known as The Survivor Tree, survived the bombing and became an emblem of the Oklahoma City National Memorial which is on the grounds of the Murrah. Here’s the tree:
OTHER NEAT STUFF THAT HAPPENED TODAY!
(In which we cheer ourselves up after we learn about the casualties)
- 1770: Marie Antoinette marries Louis XVI. DON’T DO IT MARIE. GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN.
- 1782: John Adams gets the Dutch to recognize the US as a sovereign nation. We knew there was a reason we liked the Dutch! Fun fact: Adam’s house in The Hague would become the first American embassy!
- 1839: Belgian chocolates finally become Belgian as Belgium becomes its own country thanks to the Treaty of London.
- 1927: Mae West writes a play called Sex, gets it seen by hundreds of thousands of people, gets arrested for obscenity and goes to jail for ten days. Members of her audience include policeman, judges and seven members of the district attorney’s staff, so it’s not like Sex‘s contents were a shock to anyone.
- 1956: Speaking of Grace Kelly, our favorite Princess of Monaco, she got married to Prince Rainier! What a wedding that must have been. All we get these days is Bill and Katie. Ugh. So tired of hearing about those two.
- 1971: The Reds launch a tin can into orbit. Officially known as Salyut 1, the can is the world’s first space station. It barely lasts six months. Quality Russian Workmanship™.
- 1975: Speaking of space, India launches a satellite! India! Bollywood should reach extraterrestrials in about 900 years.
- 1987: Don’t have a cow, man! The Simpsons debuts as a short on the Tracey Ullman show. Can you believe it’s still on? We can’t!
We did it, little birds! We did it! We won the war! We stuck the landing! We came back from what was sure to be our grand defeat and we won! We won! We won! See you on Friday for the celebration.
- Nailed it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_v468ptuXw
*We do not watch CNN and cannot vouch for any historical accuracies or inaccuracies in their reporting.
** And we mean that with all due respect.
***We have no idea if LaZig was starred on Gawker or if said star was removed. Artistic license.
****We mean this. We are not being sarcastic or ironic. We used to want to be chemists and were obsessed with the Curies.
