pet peeves

5 posts

Hatorade: It’s Got Electrolytes

Hate. It’s a strong word and one that I use a lot. I hate that I hate as much as I do but I try not to think of how meta that is. We’ve all recently discussed things that we hate on Facebook and things that annoy us in general. Today, I would like to break you off with some things that I hate about: THE WORKPLACE.

  • Cap’n Crunch – These are the people who love potato chips. Fucking love them. In fact, they love them so much that they insist on savoring them for as long as possible…with their mouths open. How the fuck can you take 3 minutes to eat one chip? Ask Cap’n Crunch and they’ll set you straight.
  • The Turd Burglar – This is the lady or gentleman who never quite learned that there are ways of determining whether or not somebody is in the bathroom stall. They try really hard to barge into your stall like some kind of crazed moose and then say nothing when they realize that they’ve made a mistake.
  • Havana Omelet – Speaking of bathrooms, it is my opinion that the turd burglar (or TB) has nothing on the Havana Omelet. This person has no shame and will not hesitate to bust ass in the stall next to you with the power of no less than 1.21 gigawatts of rectal fury. Not everyone can control how their bowel movements work out but maybe this person should try avoiding the ghost chili burger at Carl’s Jr, next time.
  • Howard Hughes – This is the upstanding individual who is convinced that you can get cancer of the butt by merely looking a surface that hasn’t been rigorously cleaned with a disinfectant wipe. Yes, germs are everywhere and they are coming to eat your children but have you ever considered letting your immune system do its job every once and awhile?
  • Wolfgang Puck – What’s that you brought for lunch, fella? Is that ‘hot sauerkraut goulash’ Hamburger Helper? Eat it in the fucking break room (or parking lot) because it smells like hot garbage.
  • Casey Kasem – So you like Nickelback? I don’t. Neither do the other people in a 5-mile radius. Remember when I looked at you as though you were the Toxic Avenger and told you that your music sucks? I wasn’t joking. The first clue would’ve been when I followed my first statement up with the words, “I’m not joking”. There is no accounting for taste and there will also be no accounting for where I hide your body.
  • Clever Name for Ergonomic Keyboard Users – I have no rational explanation for this one. I just really hate when people use those stupid keyboards.

 

I could go on for days but I would really like to hear what you guys hate.

– Gooch

Parenting Pet Peeves

There was a great article on Crasstalk about pet peeves recently. I suffer from a variety of them which is probably not one of my best personality traits. As I thought about it, I realized that there are some pet peeves that are particular to being a parent. Then I decided to do a post on this because it’s extremely fun to hear other parents’ pet peeves.

  • Competitive parenting of any variety (My baby learned to walk when she was just a fetus! My 2 year old can recite the Gettysburg address! My preteen has just been admitted to medical school!)
  • Parents with multiples who have their act together. How do they do it? It reflects poorly on me since I can barely keep my act together with 2 children 2.5 years apart.
  • Parents who allow their children to be rude to waitresses, store clerks, or anyone in a service position.
  • Anyone who brings a small child to a nice restaurant. Don’t torture the childless and the parents who are having a romantic evening out. Children belong at Olive Garden and Chucky Cheese.
  • That f****ing lisping duck on WonderPets.
  • Toys with motion detectors that oink, bark, squeak or whinny when someone walks by them.
  • Dominoes. Why do people keep giving my kids dominoes? We have enough to start a domino domination nation around here.
  • Anyone whose children look perfect. It’s not normal. They get bonus pet peeve points if they dress their children in matching or coordinating clothing.
  • Skinny, attractive mothers who never, ever look flustered.
  • Children who are under the impression that I’m primarily a waitress (I’m looking at you, Mr. Wee Cornnut)
  • My spouse pretending he doesn’t smell a poopy diaper.
  • People who talk baby talk to my kids in a really loud fake voice.
  • People I barely know who give me parenting advice.
  • Parents who feed their kids organic-only and make a huge commotion about it.
  • Anyone who tells me I look exhausted (I know!)
  • Competitive sports parents. I know I already mentioned competition but these people deserve a second mention. They are sucking all the joy of childhood
  • Legos on the floor. Those things hurt like the dickens when you step on them.
  • People who are mean to their kids. This one isn’t funny. Every once in a while, I hear someone say something that is flat-out mean to their child. I really, really wish people would not do that.

What are your parenting pet peeves?

We All Have Pet Peeves

1 comment

I’m somewhat of a gadabout. I’m easygoing, good for a laugh down at the Diogenes club, and sometimes, when you keep me from getting too foxed, I will talk about something interesting. Ladies and Gentlemen like me because most petty affronts don’t get to me. I’m not easily offended, I’m not quick to quarrel and generally, odds are pretty good that after a night of drinking and banter with me, you will not be greeted at the door the next morning by my second, laying out the formalities of the duel we will have later in the day.

But, dear lord, I have pet peeves. Certain behaviors just leave me vexed. Oddly, they all, ALL surround the eating of comestibles. Yes, my peeves surround the consumption of various and sundry foodstuffs. Below I list the top 4 pet peeves. I challenge you to explain why I’m just being a beef-witted puttock, or to defend me. Better yet, fill the below posts with your own pet peeves. Tis a noble thing to vent frustrations on the internet.

Now for my food-borne pet peeves:

  • Chewing gum with your mouth open.  Yes, we are all guilty of this, however that does not absolve you of your responsibilities to your fellow passengers on the omnibus, hansom or tramway. Whenever I see someone chewing vocally, I am reminded of cows, lazily chewing their cud upon the rolling hills and dales of the Cotswolds.  Be less bovine.
  • Rakes and rapscallions who start eating their potato chips before they have fully closed their mouths. The mouth becomes an echo-chamber that blasts the sound of your chip-destruction for miles, like a salivaic alpine yodel. I have such a ‘gentleman’ at my local club. Worse yet, he is a slow eater. I am daily serenaded with his chip cacophony symphony for a hour. I have walked out of Gilbert and Sullivan plays for being that long.
  • People who slurp noodles or soup. Thank God I was in India for the Boxer Rebellion, for I am told the whole of China does this.
  • People who enjoy victual pleasures too much. Do not serenade me with sounds of gustatory pleasure that rival the noises of a Whitechapel Dollymop. I am not fornicating with my sandwich next to you so please spare me the auditory sensations of you taking Arabian delights from your Turkish delight. That new German pastry may indeed be better than sex, but perhaps you should just lie back and think of cricket. Better yet, pretend that God watches you eat, even though we know he’s too busy watching after the English empire to care what you continentals do.

 

What are the little things (or big things) that you really can’t stand?

-Baconcat