Commentary

491 posts

Enough is Just Enough with the Gaddafi Death Footage

Yes, he’s dead. The world is a better place for it. And really, if you live by the sword, you die by the sword.

However, at some point I’d prefer those two-dimensional animated re-enactments depict the events of the capture and death of some heinous, disgusting, crazed, devil. I can really do without the various photos and video footage of the death of an evil man on an endless loop, and popping up like some sort of cannibalized zombie from the worst horror movie ever on my computer screen. Continue reading →

Please Don’t Improve My Neighborhood, I Appreciate its ’80s Crack War’ Aesthetic

If you’re a developer of real estate, someone somewhere will ALWAYS find a reason to oppose your project. Today’s evidence of this comes from the Times, where they wrote about four proposed high-rise towers in Washington Heights.

If you’ve ever followed any sort of local zoning controversy where you live, you’ll know that the status quo-loving NIMBYs always manage to come up with the loopiest arguments against building anything ever. You could turn a half-burning crack house into an orphanage and these people will complain that your orphanage “doesn’t fit with the existing character of the neighborhood.” Continue reading →

Help McDonald’s Program Their Global Television Empire

Imagine it in HD!

“In one of the most unusual twists in niche programming, the global fast-food chain is launching the McDonald’s Channel, a digital network of exclusive original content targeted at dine-in customers.”—L.A.Times 10/17/11

Let’s program this thing, shall we?

6-10am: Good McMorning! As comforting as an Egg McMuffin, as sweet as a Cinnamon Melt, Good McMorning! is newsfotainment at its best!  Greet your day with uplifting stories, interviews and cooking segments.  That’s not heartburn you feel, that’s heartwarming.  Hosts: Dave Coulier and Jenna Von Oy. Continue reading →

Jerk Alert: Hey Loud Talker, Shut It!

It’s one thing to have some jack-a-noob yammering away while you watch the very important movie Contagion at the multiplex, and another thing entirely if said person is yammering away at fighter jet decibels on his cell phone while Gwyneth Paltrow is dying. This is something that could possibly go beyond jerkdom and land you squarely onto the endangered species list. Everyone’s ear holes are very serious business.

Continue reading →

How to Properly Pick Up Chicks

Today is the day of womanly things, and if there’s one thing we chicks like to talk about, it’s MEN! Amirite, ladies? Since this day that is about us is really all about you menfolk, I have created a handy how-to guide for picking up women. Now, I’m no Mystery, but I do know a thing or two about the ladies, since I am one. Now, you could just walk up and introduce yourself, but that would be way too easy and straightforward for modern dating. Instead, I have created for you a primer on how men can successfully approach women while avoiding the skeeviest moves. Continue reading →

Eleven Eight Habits of Highly Intriguing Women

Last week we learned about the Eleven Habits of Highly Imposing Men. Well, good for them, standing in the corner smoking their cigarettes and looking all sorts of imposing. I’m here to share with you the Eight Habits Of Highly Intriguing Women. Eight? Yes, eight. Women are far more efficient than men, so we don’t need the extra three habits.

So what is a Highly Intriguing Woman? She is the woman who is both the life of the party, and the lifesaver of the office. She knows what she wants, and she knows how to get it. Something about bacon and frying pans. Well, you get the idea. Let’s get started, shall we? Continue reading →