It’s one thing to have some jack-a-noob yammering away while you watch the very important movie Contagion at the multiplex, and another thing entirely if said person is yammering away at fighter jet decibels on his cell phone while Gwyneth Paltrow is dying. This is something that could possibly go beyond jerkdom and land you squarely onto the endangered species list. Everyone’s ear holes are very serious business.
You know what? Technology has advanced to the point that we can utilize veritable silent ways of communicating. You forgot your reading glasses? Text your spouse. Your TPS reports are gonna be late today? Send an email to your boss. So on those rare occasions when you do need to communicate via cell phone and actually speak to someone, it’s best to do so in a voice and at a decibel that’s acceptable to all persons in the vicinity. Does everyone need to hear you calling your boyfriend/dry cleaner/roommate/insurance company a STUPID WHOREBAG? No, not unless you’re doing some sort of subversive performance art, and even then that’s never entertaining.
There is a such thing as an inside voice, and in stating so, it doesn’t mean “inside voice” with the exception of when “I’m giving someone directions at the top of my voice, because for some reason whenever I give someone directions it means they…” 1) obviously can’t hear because they have no idea where Ray’s Pizza right next to that great Chinese place we went to in 1997 is. No, those are just stupid directions! 2) can only understand some variation of Farsi and Na’vi so the louder I talk the more they’ll eventually get it from the sheer force of my voice punching them in the ear drum 3) by shouting the directions I will somehow be able to preternaturally lead them to the destination through sound waves. If it’s that difficult for the exchange student from Finland, who is apparently relying on you to deliver directions that don’t sound like death metal on steroids, to hear you, get that dude a fooking GPS!
Here are some other places no one wants to hear your voice:
The Subway: Hey, just because you’re here in the city and it’s super, duper, Funtastic! Yeah, I’m here on Monday morning going to work, because this is you know, Monday, for the rest of us…so can we zip up the fanny packs, the matching windbreakers, and those pie holes about the Empire State Building while you unsuccessfully attempt to locate it on The NYC For Tourists Map?
The Elevator: Yeah, you’re going to lose the signal. We’re in a little metal box traveling up 25 floors, you may experience some difficulty talking to “Shane” about your hangnail, or your bathroom grout or whatever. Shouting to “Shane” WHAT?! WHAT?! I…I CAN’T HEAR YOU…I’M IN THE ELEVATOR…I’M LOSING YOU! WHAT?! WHAT?! I SAID I’M LOSING YOU! while the rest of us are trapped in this little box with you isn’t fun for us. No, not at all. Since many of us finish up our calls in the lobby, because those of us who’ve been on the planet since the invention of cell phones know that you lose service in elevators. It’s just a fact. We’d like you to join us here in our pre-Star Trek world.
In our little lunch cafe: Lunch for the harried worker is sacred time. You get to leave your soul-sucking office and take an hour to just be that person you are when you don’t answer your desk phone with your work voice. So while we’re sitting enjoying our lunch at our small little table eating and reading our magazines or books, we don’t need you screaming at your doctor’s office about why it doesn’t say whether or not you should put the cream on the affected area once or twice a day. Firstly, if it’s like that…it’s usually going to be twice a day. Secondly, take your medical biz outside, we’re all eating in here. Thirdly, squatting is usually a good way not to get any smutz on your body parts.
These are just a few. I’m sure if you really think about it you could probably come up with a few others that make obvious sense. Mostly though, if you’re talking on your phone and you happen to notice others around you giving you the hairy eyeball, or shaking their heads, or nudging their friends — that means you’re probably too loud, and now everyone knows about that exploded bunion on your big toe. Thanks, we all needed that.
Jerk Redemption:
Since they haven’t invented a remote control for people yet, you’re going to have to control your own volume level. Do you find that people have a habit of recoiling when you speak? Do people get a little flummoxed when you start laughing that hyena giving birth to a goat laugh you know you have, or do you find that your friends only text you, or say things like, “Hold on, I need to turn the volume down on my phone” whenever you start talking? Well, then you’re probably a Loud Talker. If you think this is the case, you should probably ask someone you trust to tell you the truth, just like I did here! You probably already have some idea that you need a little more control over your audible exchanges.
Knowing for sure is half the battle. Once someone has told you that you sound like a fog horn trapped in the throat of a bear, you can then start to modify your sound level, especially in public places and while on your cell phone. Understanding your voice dynamic can only help you in the long run. Make some very subtle changes and you’ll be on your way to a happier and quieter life. If not, prepare for a lot of STFUs to come your way. Just saying.
* If you’ve come in contact with a Jerk recently, and you’d like to have him or her brought up on Jerk Charges in one of these posts, just email me at [email protected], and I’ll see to it your Jerk becomes a nominee for our “Jerk of the Week”.
Related Articles:
