Today is the day of womanly things, and if there’s one thing we chicks like to talk about, it’s MEN! Amirite, ladies? Since this day that is about us is really all about you menfolk, I have created a handy how-to guide for picking up women. Now, I’m no Mystery, but I do know a thing or two about the ladies, since I am one. Now, you could just walk up and introduce yourself, but that would be way too easy and straightforward for modern dating. Instead, I have created for you a primer on how men can successfully approach women while avoiding the skeeviest moves.
The Friendly Question
If you see a nice-looking lady on the street and you find her charming from afar, please do not go home and write a Craigslist Missed Connections post. Guys, it’s not going to happen. Writing a post for that gorgeous cardiganed, tattooed, bike-riding, librarian-glasses-wearing female in Hipsterville, USA is not going to result in a magical IRL love affair. Craigslist is for finding that special person who wants to have sex while eating an entire meatlover’s pizza behind the dumpster because duh, that is so hot. It is not a feasible way of making that girl you just eye-sexed (which she totally noticed, see: next entry) your very own.
In order to seduce that mysterious cardigan girl, you must do the impossible. You must ask her a question. If you’re unable to come up with something legitimate, just ask for directions, for Pete’s sake. I know it’s hard for you menfolk because the accuracy of your internal compass correlates with the magnitude of your masculinity, but it can’t hurt to ask if that hot lady knows where the nearest CVS or Citibank is. Just make it up! You don’t even need a Citibank checking account to do this! And you will get 100% less Craigslist spam. Pro-tip: If she hits you over the head with her purse or sprays you with Mace, you might be out of luck. However, if the lady smiles and seems happy to help you, view this as an invitation to ask even more questions! Can she recommend any good restaurants around here? Maybe you will begin to have a real conversation, and then you can invite her to dinner, and then there had better be a full bar at the wedding because I like to drink and you owe me bigtime.
The Compliment
Gentlemen, this one is tricky. Ninety-five percent of the time, if you tell some woman you don’t know that she looks nice, and especially if you reference a body part, you will immediately be placed on the People Who Will Be Receiving A Fake Number list. Especially if that compliment is directed toward her chest. I know that you’ve heard “DUH boys my eyes are UP HERE!” approximately eleventy billion times, but that’s because it’s true. If you are attempting to surreptitiously stare at our boobs, we know. The Surreptitious Boob Stare does not exist. It’s a myth, like John Boehner’s soul. I’m sorry to inform you of this yet again, but you all apparently need constant reminders. Ladies are constantly aware of our bodies, and we are even more aware of men being aware of our sexxxiest anatomical features. Learn to love your peripheral vision and use it wisely.
The best way to give a lady a compliment with the subtext that says, “I WANT TO BANG YOU” is to compliment the book that she’s reading in a coffeeshop or the super cute dog she’s walking. Think of something neutral and not related to her body. Or maybe just try to skip the compliments altogether and pretend-ask for directions already. And saying, “I looove your smile!” is the skeeviest compliment of them all. Just, please, stop. This is never good.
The Gentle Tease
Don’t confuse this with that stupid word that I will not use because it is stupid. You know what I mean. This isn’t a recommendation that you insult a girl mildly so that you gently taze her self-esteem so that she’ll feel insecure and be more into you. Don’t taze her, bro. Instead, poke a little fun. Are you at a sports bar? Crack a joke about her team. Make gentle fun of that girly drink she has in her hand. Do not be mean. Do you hear me? Do not be mean! Subtly or not, if you insult a girl thinking that she will find it hilarious, you will more likely find her drink in your lap. Pretty sure that is not the kind of bathing-suit-area action you were looking for.
If you are not one of those people who grew up teasing your little sister or exchanging witty banter with the geeky girl whose locker was next to yours, then I do not recommend attempting this. You must have a real sense of humor in order to pull this off. If you are truly desperate, you could poke fun at yourself. Just kidding– everyone should do this! It’s freaking adorable. Ladies love men who don’t take themselves too seriously. Remember: self-deprecation = HOT.
The Purposeful Accident
Do you desperately need to talk to that hot brunette at the bar? You don’t know how to approach her? You want to say something but all you can think about is how you want to stare at her boobs? Here is a solution: “accidentally” bump into her. You must be smooth to pull this off – you don’t actually want to spill her drink or knock her off her barstool. I know that works in the movies, but unless your life is one hour and forty minutes long and your name is Matthew McConaughey, this is a very bad idea and will only result in a pissed-off lady. If you did happen to accidentally brush your elbow against her back while trying to get the bartender’s attention, you have created the perfect opportunity to 1) prove that you’re a gentleman by profusely apologizing and 2) ascertain whether or not she’s a total bitch based on her reaction. Does she punch you in the face? Time to select a new target. Does she say it’s okay and give you a sheepish grin in return? Golden opportunity!!! Make hay while the sun shines! Buy her a beer in apology and appreciate that you’ve just been given the perfect opportunity to strike up a conversation.
The Catcall
Don’t do this unless you want to get coffee dumped on your head. Didn’t your mother teach you anything?
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The art of not being creepy is a difficult one to master, but I have confidence that you all can do it. The most important thing to remember is that no matter how nice you think her ass looks, you must find a way to telegraph this by asking which coffeeshops have free wifi or by remarking that you can’t believe her favorite pitcher just walked in the winning run and his butt looks saggy in those pants. In other words, anything that shows that you can think with more than one head at once.
Gentlemen, I hope this helps. And ladies, please share your own pro-tips in the comments!
Image credit: here.
