Last week we learned about the Eleven Habits of Highly Imposing Men. Well, good for them, standing in the corner smoking their cigarettes and looking all sorts of imposing. I’m here to share with you the Eight Habits Of Highly Intriguing Women. Eight? Yes, eight. Women are far more efficient than men, so we don’t need the extra three habits.
So what is a Highly Intriguing Woman? She is the woman who is both the life of the party, and the lifesaver of the office. She knows what she wants, and she knows how to get it. Something about bacon and frying pans. Well, you get the idea. Let’s get started, shall we?
1. Heels. Learn to walk in them. All of them. Teach yourself to glide across the floor like Oksana Baiul before her drinking problem. Walking like a wobbly baby deer is simply unacceptable. An Intriguing Woman should enter a room with a confident stride that lets everyone know that she has arrived. It doesn’t matter if it’s the Rainbow Room or the Conference Room—own that room. Practice at home. Wear kneepads, have ice packs and ace bandages at the ready, and increase heel height gradually.
2. Work Your Assets. Women are afforded a bit of leeway with their attire in the office and in social settings. An Intriguing Woman uses that to her advantage. Creamy white skin? Try a red blouse. Getaway sticks that go on forever? Consider an above-the-knee pencil skirt. You’ll feel more confident about yourself, and people will be drawn to you. NOTE: Sometimes those people are attached to your boss’s grabby hands. That’s what Human Resources if for.
3. Make Eye Contact. Nothing draws someone into a conversation like direct, unwavering eye contact. Not staring. That’s creepy. A Highly Intriguing Woman uses her eyes to hold court when she speaks. And, when possible, smize. A smize is a smile with your eyes, and when you’re smizing, the whole world smizes with you. Here, let Aunty Tyra teach you how:
4. Go Places and Do Things. We all exist in our own little corners of this planet, but modern transportation has made it possible for women to see other little corners of the globe. Maybe even nooks and crannies. Nothing is less interesting than hearing about how many tequila shots a woman did at Senor Frog’s during spring break in Cabo. Conversely, nothing is more intriguing than hearing about a woman’s ascent up the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu. So whenever time and money allows, a Highly Intriguing Woman will go forth and explore, returning with ribald tales from her adventures.
5. Do What You Love. We all get stuck in jobs. Jobs, jobs, jobs. There is nothing worse than a long day at the office. Unless you are Joan Holloway (and if you are, congratulations, you win at life), toiling away at a tedious job where you are underpaid and understimulated will be Dullsville. Wouldn’t it be great to love what you do? Really love it, with a passion? To be able to answer, “So, what do you do?” with pride and enthusiasm? Highly Intriguing Women figure out what that thing is, and make it happen. Even something as small as signing up for that pottery class you have dreamed of ever since watching Ghost for the fourteenth time will bring you one step closer towards your Dream Job. So do it! You go girl!
6. Be Successful. Yes, I know. It’s easier said than done. But look at the women who are admired and envied—Michelle Obama, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Georgia O’Keeffe, Anna Wintour, Several Kardashians….They are all Highly Intriguing, and they are all successful. My rudimentary logic skills deduce that the amount of success a woman attains directly correlates to the amount of intrigue surrounding that woman. Therefore, all one has to do to become a Highly Intriguing Woman is to be very successful. At something. Anything. Pick what you love (see above), and be good at it.
7. Humor. There isn’t any situation that cannot be improved with a joke, preferably at someone else’s expense. A Highly Intriguing Woman will be the person at the cocktail party that brings laughter. Light up the room with your wit. Make them laugh so hard that they pee in their pants, and then laugh at them even harder for peeing in their pants. Let them say, “That ______, she’s hilarious!” You will be remembered as The Funny One, which, trust me, is a lot better than being remembered as The Drunk One or The Slutty One.
8. If You Have To Be A Real Housewife, Be Bethenny Frankel. You remember her. She’s the skinny one who makes an even skinnier margarita. She talked fast, she had a few good zingers, and she got the hell out of there to do a spin-off show that culminated in a wedding, a baby, and a multi-million dollar buyout of her fledgling liquor company. You may not like her much more than a root canal, but you have to admit that she is a Highly Intriguing Woman. So if you had to emulate one of the 3,425 Housewives (like a gunpoint, if someone commanded, “Be like a Real Housewife!”), be like Bethenny. Go in there, get your shit done, and move on to bigger and better things.
Any questions? No? Good. Go forth and be fabulous.
