The Grand Inquisitor

2031 posts
The Grand Inquisitor is plotting against you.

Second Shift Open Thread

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Hi gang and welcome to Crasstalk. If you are new here you can take a look at this post to get you started. Please feel free to use the post as an open thread, but since we would like to see more of you writing for us, I am going to suggest that you can also use this space to kick around ideas for new articles and to ask questions about the process of posting to word press. If you need extra help please email me at [email protected]. I will be checking in throughout the evening. Since I want to encourage you to write I will give you a few handy tips to help get you started: Continue reading →

Some Thoughts on the Renunciation of Political Violence

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Yesterday a deranged young man walked up to US congresswoman and shot her in the back of the head. He then turned his gun on the crowd gathered in a sunny Arizona parking lot who had come to meet her. Gabrielle Giffords survived, but six others did not. Three of the slain were over 70 years old, one was a federal judge, another a pastor, one was a nine year-old child.

Most of us were saddened and frightened, but I doubt that more than a few were surprised.

Today, we point fingers and make accusations. Those who have cloaked themselves in the language and imagery of violence deny responsibility and angrily demand absolution. Their Second Amendment Solutions and shouts of treason and conspiracy are not meant to be taken literally, only a crazy person would think otherwise.

It does not matter if the violent rhetoric caused this young man to act, it is wrong to call for violence against your political opponent in any circumstance.

There has been an almost 250% increase in militia groups in the last two years, and citizens turn up with guns at community meetings to show the bastards who’s really in charge.

It is a sad irony that a child who was interested in public service was gunned down amidst a cacophony of claims that all of those who work for the government are lazy, corrupt, and evil. We have made those who do the work of the taxpayer an enemy that deserves no mercy.

Last night a commenter posted this on Prison Planet:

The militia crowd, that constantly evokes its right to overthrow the government by force if necessary has made itself a victim of this tragedy. They will be blamed and oppressed, their rights taken away. It is all about them, not the families who lost loved ones or those who struggle to survive in the hospital.

What made George Washington a patriot wasn’t his victories in battle, but rather his peaceful relinquishing of power when his time to rule had come to an end.

We have made violent imagery the back drop of our political theater, yet we act surprised when the afflicted among us actually perform the script. Meanwhile, those who oppose the violence have ceded the stage. Instead of meeting the rhetoric straight on and appealing to our neighbor’s sense of decency, we have retreated into sarcasm and disdain. We have taken our sense of superiority and used it as a pretext to write off entire classes and groups of people who are not like us. Even though most of those people pray and weep just as we do at times like these.

We have let the smallest of threats intimidate us. If it is more comforting to be a coward than an aggressor then feel free to embrace it, but it gives me no consolation today.

I would like to think that this will be a turning point for us in this country and that we will embrace civility, but I cannot. I would like to think that my actions and attitudes make a difference, but they will not. I would like to know that Americans are better than this, but I do not.

How to Survive a Hangover

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Well, it is that time of year again. Even those of us who don’t regularly indulge usually toss a couple back, and for those of us who do it can often end like this:

No matter how good our intentions, New Year’s Eve is an invitation to taunt the liquor gods, and that means paying the price the next day. In the spirit of kindness, I am posting my time honored method of easing the hangover pain so that the first day of your new year won’t be utterly painful.

I know that there are many so called “natural” and vitamin remedies that are supposed to help a hangover, but they are all bullshit. Hippies don’t know shit about drinking, put down the crystal and let a professional help you.

Get all of this stuff together tonight. Once you are in the throes of a hangover you won’t want to leave the house and you probably shouldn’t because you will look like shit anyway.

For this method you will need the following:

36 oz. of water

2 anti-inflammatory tablets of your choice (I like Alleve).

2 pieces of bread

2 grams of decent weed

One comfy pillow and blanket

A cable TV hookup or a Netflix account

Phone number to a good pizza place or really good leftovers that are easy to reheat

2 cans of Coca-Cola (absolutely no substitutions on this)

The Night Before

It goes without saying that you can avoid this by not drinking excessively in the first place, but that is for little  girls and  it is a long time until the MLK weekend, so fuck it. I can also tell you to stick to one type of liquor, but you inevitably will mix bourbon with champagne and will end up doing a shot of absinthe that someone brought back from a holiday in Europe. Again, fuck it. You should drink some water before you go to bed, but if given the chance to get some nasty from whomever you wind up with, skip the water and go for the sweet loving. Rest easy knowing that you will survive the consequences of your foolish behavior. Again …

The Day of Battle

Step #1: Try not to sleep more than a couple hours later than your usually waking time because that makes your body confused and you’ve already pissed it off enough. If you are sleep deprived you can nap later.

Step #2: Shower, or at least wash your face. You smell awful.

Step #3: Drink one of the Cokes. It should be ice cold. Drink it slow.

Step #4: After 15 minutes, toast the bread and eat it (use butter if your stomach isn’t too upset). Drink 12 oz. of water with it.

Step #5: Wait about 20 minutes. Smoke some weed. If you smoke cigarettes you should have one at this point. I know, I know, you are going to quit, but today is not the day. Leave that shit for next week.

Step #6: Now is the time to take a tylenol or whatever. Your stomach will appreciate that you waited.

Step #7: Watch a couple of hours of TV while snuggled in your blankey on the couch. I recommend Law and Order, Futurama, the Twilight Zone, or Star Trek. All of these will probably be on marathons tomorrow or you can get them on Netflix. Avoid porn, horror movies (this is not the time to finally see Hostel), anything really sad (alcohol is a depressant). If you must watch sports you are going to have to choke down a couple of cans of mid-priced domestic beer to make watching your favorite team blow another great season  possible.

Step #8: Take a nice nap. Try to keep it under an hour so you won’t fuck up your sleep schedule and turn into a vampire.

Step #9: Take the second anti-inflammatory with 12 more oz. of water. Return to the couch for more movies (maybe there is something good on Lifetime).

Step #10: Drink the last Coke and smoke some more weed. At this point you should be ok to eat some real food. Try cheese pizza, chicken soup, or pasta with a red sauce. Avoid carbonara, salad, Indian food, anything too spicy. Don’t make your stomach even angrier.

Step #11: Return to the couch and slowly drink 12 more oz. of water. See what Benson and Stabler are up to. Check in on CT and make fun of everyone else for a having a hangover.

Step #12: By this point you should be able to go on with your day, but if you can stay on the couch do it. Avoid phone calls from family, annoying internet arguments, or anything else unpleasant. This is the first day of the New Year, you have 364 more days to be irritated.

Step #13: Profit! You win at drinking. Now don’t do that again!!!

Have a wonderful New Year!

The Night Watchman: T

23 comments

Everybody Loves Reptilians

Most conspiracy theories rely on the same old tired villains and puppet masters to frighten believers into reading really crappy websites and investing all of their money in survival gardens. The Illuminati, the Free Masons, the Jews, blah, blah, blah, we have heard this all before. Note to conspiracy people: give the Jew thing a rest. They are only .2% of the worlds population, and bitching that Jews control the world does literally make you a fucking Nazi.

However, one group of crazies has made a dedicated effort to keep things fresh in paranoid land. These are those who have the insight to see the shadows that surround us. They know that there is more than meets the eye in the day-to-day machinations of the global power structure. These are the believers in the Reptilians (sometimes called Draconians if your not a total poseur). These folks know that many of the most powerful people in the world are not only working against the good of humanity, but that they are not even human. Everybody panic!!!!!!

Essentially, the reptilian conspiracy says that a group of space aliens (or extra-dimensional travelers, depending on your Thorazine dose) have infiltrated the human power structure and are secretly running the world. The reptilians have been around for most of human history, and we all know Jesus, Angelina Jole, and George H.W. Bush are reptilians. You can see a full list here, at this uniquely designed website.

Need proof that that the reptilians walk among us? It’s in their beady little eyes.



They even control the media.

By the way, this is the greatest video ever loaded to YouTube.

So, why should we be afraid of the reptilians, they have been here forever, right? Well, the problem is that the reptilians want to get rid of human beings so that they can have all of the Earth’s delicious resources for themselves. That is why there are so many natural disasters (not climate change) and why our civil liberties are being taken away (not weak political leadership). Fortunately, there is another group of aliens called the Vulturites (really), who are trying to protect humanity from both the reptilians and our own destructive tendencies.

David Icke: Soldier for Truth

The world’s most prominent expert on reptilians is Brit David Icke. Icke’s qualifications included being a mediocre footballer and the British equivalent of a shock jock (sound familiar, Mr. Beck)? Since he started peddling this claptrap, Icke has written a number of books, but makes no money off of them because he was too stupid to secure his own copyright. Nonetheless Icke, has a successful website and does extensive speaking tours so that jackasses like you won’t be made into lizard food. The motto of the website is Exposing the Dreamworld We Believe to be Real, which kind of sums up the whole delusional enterprise. There are of course those who do not tow Icke’s line about the reptilians. The reptilian believer community is full of Judean People’s Front type divisions and since everyone involved is crazy it is hard to sort out who is who. Bonus: Alex Jones and the Prison Planet people actually really hate the reptilian people because it makes the conspiracy community look crazy (lulz). However, they all agree that we are doomed if we don’t continue to watch them on the internet.

Note: This is the worst video ever posted on YouTube.

So stay vigilant Crasstalkers, the final battle is coming. Prepare yourself for war. Soon you will be forced to choose sides, and you never know who is watching.