sexy time

Sex is my hobby.

Not so much the having of it (lingering Catholic damage and a significant aversion to germs and off-spring killed any chance for promiscuity for me at an early age). But I am fascinated by the vast variety of ways humans have divined to get off. My “research” has taken me to some really interesting places and some really dark places, but all of it has been. . . rewarding.

My special interest is in pornography.

I’ve seen at least a few films from all genres that are not on-their-face disturbing (you know it when you hear about it) or illegal. To list just the kink genres alone would be a post in itself, so I will refrain. Remember Rule 34.

Let’s just say that I’ve done the leg work.

My pornographic life has seen its fair share of internal and external conflict. A common critique  I receive (usually screamed at me after too many beers), particularly from my female friends, is that all porn exploits and degrades women; that there is no way the porn industry isn’t damaging the women participating and all women in general. I respect this opinion. I was once even persuaded by that opinion but as I have experienced more and branched out (way out) from the Vivid/Hustler/Playboy worlds of porn and seen some truly amazing (and H-O-T) work being done by smart women who are deeply committed to forwarding a feminist viewpoint in their work, I changed my mind. So, while I still agree that a significant portion of the business remains deeply misogynistic, I think it is an unfair and inaccurate picture of the entire industry.

I started this post thinking that I would make some recommendations about some excellent and incredibly hot work going on that you may not have heard of if your own pornographic life is restricted to X-Tube, pay-per-view, or trolling for whatever free genitals are bumping and grinding their way around the interwebz. But Lux Alptraum and the staff at Fleshbot (link is NSFW) have that covered and I cannot improve upon their work.

So instead I’d like to impart the some of the lessons I’ve learned about real-life sex after 10+ years (the beginning of my pornographic life was, technically speaking, illegal) of watching people have sex on camera.

Even if you are extremely porn-adverse, I think these lessons will translate. They are from the perspective of a straight woman (not on behalf all straight women). While I’d like to think they translate across orientations and genders, I don’t want to make any assumptions.

• Nobody looks “cute” with their ankles next to their ears. Even the hottest of porn stars (Bobbi Starr and Junior Stellano – links NSFW) look silly. Sex, even on-camera sex, is not about looking pretty. It’s about having a good time. The best porn, while still porn (meaning that the positions are inventive, acrobatic, and cheated to the camera), is about two people enjoying the shit out of each other. It is not about posing or faking it for the viewing audience. Your sex shouldn’t be either. Regardless of who you are fucking and how “hot” that person is, if they are blowing the top of your head off, they will not care what your thighs, stomach, or sweaty, red face looks like in that particular position (unless they are a total piece of shit). Getting someone off is way more of a turn-on than a perfectly posed and composed body (as if there is such a thing).

• Have a loose plan before you dive in. Believe it or not, porn, like any other film, has a script. That script mostly consists of a position-by-position breakdown. There are innumerable benefits to coming up with your own “script” for how exactly you are going to go about turning your partner into boneless puddle of goo. Not only does the anticipation kick the experience up about 100 notches, both of you will also feel more secure and prepared for what is about to come (pun intended). Surprises and spontaneity can be fun but they can also be disconcerting and doing it that way all the time can breed repetition and boredom. It also tends to remove an element of participation from the less spontaneous partner. Planning also helps remove any uncertainty about consent and help insure that no one feels overwhelmed, taken advantage of or for granted.

• Talk! Talk about your sex before you have it (the “script”)! Talk about your sex after you have it (see if the “script” was successful)! If it’s your thing, talk about the sex while you are having it! Good porn is extremely communicative. Maybe the actors aren’t exactly using SAT words but questions are asked and answered and the status updates are constant. As a female viewer, that is perhaps the hottest part of the entire viewing experience.

• Lastly, an orifice, is an orifice, is an orifice, is an orifice. From magazines, advertisements for bizarre products and services, and my own friends I get the sense that a LOT of people worry about about the appearance of their anuses and vaginas. While I won’t go so far as to say all that shit looks exactly the same (honestly, to me it does. I couldn’t pick my own vagina out of a line-up.) but essentially we are all working with the same stuff. The surprises are few. Also, not to be harsh about porn actors, but they are not the best actor-actors. I’m pretty good at catching nuances in facial expression and in all the porn I’ve watched, from all walks of porn life, I have never seen an actor show even the slightest sign of freaking out at the sight of a particular orifice. All I’ve seen, in all the time I’ve spent in the trenches, is a person who is just happy to be allowed to visit with a particular orifice for a while. So calm down and don’t feel like you HAVE to “bleach” or “rejuvenate” anything in order to join the party.

I hope this was illuminating for a lot of you and not too pedantic for the rest of you perverts (“pervert” is a term of endearment in sexxxy circles. I use it here with the utmost respect and affection.).

If you would like some porn recommendations and do not want to go to Fleshbot, ask away in the comments!