Updates on Crime in Our 50th State

…or should that be our 5-0th state?

There really weren’t too many lessons to be learned from Hawaii Five-0 this week.  I hope you aren’t disappointed.  But I’ll still share what I learned from the episode where four very, very evil people used Triathlons as cover for their crimes.

1) Snow cone guys are a lot more important than I realized.  Apparently they hang out with high-level law enforcement all the time.  Even when they are just working around the house.  (Either that or I’m just missing the cues that “our hero” has very, very broad tastes.)

2) If you are the highest ranking law enforcement official in the state, with complete immunity and a direct line to the governor, you can totally just give your phone away to other people, no problem.  Like “Oh, you sat on my phone, that’s gross.  You keep it.” levels of no problem.

3) Being a Rookie Cop sucks.  And you should always wear your bathing suit instead of underwear in case you have to strip down and jump in the water all the time.

4) Being an actress playing a Rookie Cop doesn’t, because it’s pretty obvious Boomer doesn’t do her own stunts.  (What, you can’t tell it’s not her from a 0.3 second shot of her legs from 100 yards away?  What’s wrong with you?)

5) Anytime people get a divorce, it’s really because down deep they just loved each other too much.  It’s kind of ironic since most people that don’t get a divorce don’t seem to actually love each other that much at all.  Must be something about divorce that brings out the love.  I bet it’s the part where you don’t actually have to see or talk to that person.

6) Blood doping helps you rob banks.  I’m not sure how this is true, but apparently it is.  I’m also not sure it was really a bank.  Does it matter?

7) It’s really easy to jump in and out of a Triathlon (to go rob a bank.)  This kind of pissed me off.  Triathletes work too hard for cheating to be that easy.  It’s like Rosie Ruiz x 12!  (Math Explanation: There were four of them and a triathlon is kind of like three marathons.)

8) Watching bad guys get knocked off of their bikes is very, very satisfying.

9) If you ever start a dangerous job, make sure that every day you talk about your family (small children and pets in particular).  This makes you much more likely to get seriously hurt, but much less likely to actually die!

10) You think technology makes things easier, but really, it just creates more Wild Goose Chases!  Like:  “We put RFID tags on the bags!  But they dumped they bags!  Noooooo.” Or  “We found the van’s black box!  But they shot it!  But we can pull out the card!  But it’s a replacement card! Nooooo!”

11) This week’s product placement lesson:  Anyone can use an iPhone!  Just turn it horizontal if you have fat fingers.  Also, you can email on them.  Plus, they have this cool feature called facetime.  (I’d tell you how this was integrated into the plot, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t.)

12) But the most important lesson I learned is for all you single lads and lasses from other countries. Best way to meet an American man, get married, get a green card, have a kid, and ditch that dude for somebody with a lot of money???  Rear-end a police car.  I know.  It sounds crazy, but it works!  The key is to make him think it’s an accident.  Apparently, he will become putty in your hands.  Also it should be a Chevy, because all cars are Chevrolets.

Huh, I guess I did learn a lot this week after all.

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