Lauren

650 posts
Lauren "AKA Spirit Fingers" likes to talk about entertainment, politics, the news, the world, you know, the awesome stuff that makes us say, "Holy Crap! That's crazy...but I love it." Got a message, a writing gig, or need a freelancer? Email me at: [email protected] or find me here @CrassLauren.

Rick Perry’s Blunder Heard Round the World

All is quiet. Every eye in the house is on you. You’re on the spot. You start talking, and talking, and then….it all stops. You’ve totally lost your train of thought. You can’t for the life of you remember what the hell it was you were going to say. You grasp onto any slight vestige of that thing you were supposed to remember. Just got to remember! What is it? Holy Inert Brain Function…JUST WHAT THE HELL IS IT?! It’s over. You never remembered. Instead you just stammered and stumbled like an idiot, as if your brain just leapt out of your head, hit the wall, sunk to the floor and then drooled on itself while screaming MARIGOLDS AND MUSTACHES! BOY THESE TWINKIES TASTE LIKE PAELLA!

This is what happened to Rick Perry.

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Your Favorite Television Show Could Get the Boot!

Television. It’s a very risky game. You think your favorite network execs are a bunch of geniuses and maybe they are. Perhaps your favorite show is the best thing on television since Falcon Crest, however, you and your core group of Facebook friends are the only ones who think so. The rest of the viewing public would rather use an acid eyewash than watch that tripe you think is so entertaining. Hence we have what the industry calls “Shows on the Bubble.”

Let’s take a look at the latest cropping of Bubble shows. Get your Facebook petitions ready!

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Updated: Will Mississippi Be the Catalyst for Federal “Personhood” Legislation?

Today voters in Mississippi will vote on an amendment to the state Constitution that would designate inseminated human eggs as legal persons from the “moment of fertilization.” The ramifications of such an amendment will outright challenge Roe v. Wade, abortion and contraception. And Republicans would like to make this a federal plan. Continue reading →

Gloria Allred Wants You to Laugh at Her Herman Cain “Stimulus Package” Joke

Celebrity lawyer-shrew, Gloria Allred, told a joke today during a press conference wherein a fourth Herman Cain sexual harassment accuser (pictured) came forward. It wasn’t funny. It was rather skeevy. We all groaned and then moved on to the rest of the story. This didn’t reduce the skeeve factor. Yes, kids, there’s talk of “genitals” and old Hermie’s crotch. Ew.

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The McRib: A Deconstruction

I’m pretty sure this food product greases the wheels of the devil. It is a horror show covered in barbeque sauce. It is literally the decayed pork meat body of your nightmares and millions of people love it. This is why we have terrorism. Guess what everyone?! Now this rank, porcine gristle coaster and its legions of lunatic fans have something else to be concerned about.

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Look What I Have For You! The Best Tweets From Crazed, Vicious Justin Bieber Fans!

Where were you when you heard gestational zygote, Justin Bieber, may have tinkled his genetic material into the lady-haven of some random fan while shouting profanity and mashing hangy-bits in the Taj Mahal of bathrooms at the Staples Center in LA — thusly impregnating her with — I dunno Hubba Bubba gum and an embryo? Bieber fans called Bieliebers, like that movie about voodoo zombies and witchcraft, have taken to Twitter to unleash hell on Bieber’s Potential Baby Mama, Mariah Yeater.

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Lindsay Lohan To Probably Walk Out of Jail Mere Minutes After Walking In

Soo, have you heard, Lindsay Lohan, our own special Cocaine Polly Pocket got herself thrown back in the slammer today? Egad! “You’ve got to be kidding. You don’t mean Lindsay Lohan — Freckle Hobo and Walking Millennial Nightmare — Lindsay Lohan, do you?” Of course that’s who we mean.

Yeah, apparently, LiLo will spend the lifecycle of a gnat in lockup.

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Mitt Romney Needn’t Say a Word

If we were to all give Mitt Romney advice right now, it would certainly be to just keep his mouth shut. Yawr, seriously. The last seventy-two hours have been a doozy for fellow presidential hopefuls Herman Cain and Rick Perry. And the one guy who’s probably the most happy about it all has got to be Mittens. Can you say “sitting in the catbird seat?”

Let’s find out why.

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