Last night before bed I realized the 21 Jump Street trailer had debuted. Before I clicked on it, I had the fleeting thought of, “Well, maybe this thing won’t be so bad. Perhaps it’ll be funny and smart! Maybe it’ll be new but still nostalgic.” That’s crazy lady thinking, right? Yes, absolutely.
Channing Tatum, the dancing meatloaf tabernacle, and 45% of what’s left of Jonah Hill, are the new Big Dumb Guy, and Smaller, Less Dumb Guy in this Police Academy/Absurd Thing That Should Have No Name Movie. The first 40 seconds of this thing shows why these two would never speak to each other in real life! Like ever! That big dude, yeah him, the one with the dimples and the face soldered together with the remnants of Glamour Shots models from 1990, and the other one who looks like he should have an emergency steak sandwich hidden in his sock? (His weight loss looks a little scary) Yawr, they would be great friends.
While we watch helplessly, these two comedic Aristotles with their zany antics and fumbling, mouth-mashing try to get the weakest of sad, dying laugh belches they can force from your appalled and nearly paralyzed body as you are held hostage, doomed to witness horrible Channing Tatum gyrate his gravy train all over the screen to more and more awfulness than ever before.
This is probably the only circumstance in which this movie should be viewed.
After a whole minute into the trailer, which is like huffing insanity from a colostomy bag also filled with despair and Skittles, Ice Cube shows up, because what would a movie like this be without Ice Cube? From there it just becomes too stupid for words. Fooking bring back Richard Greico and Holly Robinson Pete. I’m insulted. Hey, Hollywood! If you’re going to continually copulate with the 1980’s, at least buy me dinner first!
Here, watch the new Grand Theft Auto trailer. Consider it a palate cleanser. We’ll act like 21 Jump Street: A Movie Of Failures doesn’t exist.
