Alluson

40 posts
A semi-literate blogger who attempts to write semi-coherent sentences for your semi-entertainment. "Be not simply good; be good for something."

I Found the Long Island Serial Killer on OKCupid

So guys, I found the Long Island Serial Killer (or rather, he found me) over the weekend and then sicced him on furiously_red last night. 

I’m on the dating site OKCupid and received a standard message on Friday from a guy saying he liked my profile, I was cute, etc. However, his screename was YankeesFan, which gave me pause as a) I am a diehard Mets fan and b) I find Yankees fans to be insufferable (present company excluded, of course. Except people who drive ’92 Buick LeSabres). Continue reading →

New York State Votes on Gay Marriage Tomorrow

As expected, New York State Assembly passed a gay marriage bill last night granting the right to same sex couples to marry, 80-63. Now it heads to the State Senate for a final vote. This isn’t the first time at the rodeo for same sex couples, as the Assembly previous passed a bill “allowing” same sex marriage in New York back in 2009, which, among a whole lot of party in-fighting, failed miserably in the Senate.

Back in 2006, New York’s highest court ruled there was no constitutional right to same sex marriage. In 2008, then-Governor Paterson issued a directive requiring New York to recognize same sex marriages performed in other states. (He didn’t see a difference). Continue reading →

The Best OBL-Themed Images

In spectacular fashion, the Internet has produced some hilarious .gifs, memes and photobombs after the news broke that after a decade of a “intense” manhunt,  Osama Bin Laden was located and killed by US Navy SEAL forces this past weekend. Here’s a collection of the funniest:

Warning: Yes, this makes light and finds levity in a serious and profound moment in United States history and the War on Terror. Do not proceed if you’re offended by this.

Continue reading →

Crass Gossip: Expecting Celebrities

Guess who’s pregnant? EVERYBODY! No, seriously. All the celebrity ladies have signs “ESTOY OCUPADO” over their middles in Hollywood (shoutout to Michael K). Here’s are some of the pregnant celebrity ladies roaming the streets of Los Angeles (Sorry men, you don’t warrant your own post as the sperm donors).

Continue reading →

It’s Never Too Late To Deliver the Perfect Retort

The situation happens faster than you can blink; someone says something or does something so awful to you that you freeze in shock, anger, or both. Much as Betty eloquently described, your face turns red, you feel that hot embarrassment flush across your face, and you mutter some quick reply and the situation dissipates and the moment is over.

Hours later, or even minutes later, the perfect retort comes to your mind. You want to run back and find the insensitive prick that insulted you, mocked you, or annoyed you, and shout at them your perfectly formed, scathing, ego-bruising remark. Unfortunately, they are long gone.

Here is your chance, fellow Crasstalkers, to join me in “What I Wanted to Say.” Below are some situations in the past couple of months that have truly annoyed me (some less than others), and what I wanted to say:

To the Girl Who Always Takes My Spot at Gym Class

I hate you. I put my water bottle down, I go get my step, and I come back and you are a foot away from my spot. Do you not see my water bottle there? Why are you so rude? Why can’t you just have basic gym etiquette like the rest of humanity and respect the water bottle markage? What do I have to do? Pee on my spot? Please go away.

What I Wanted to Say: “Hey, I was here first. That’s my water bottle. (Bitch)”

What I Actually Said: Give a dirty look (that she doesn’t catch) and move my spot.

To the Girl Who Told Me “This Is My Seat.”

I hate you too. I’m sure this is your seat – IN THE FOLLOWING CLASS. I’m sorry I take too long for you, princess, to gather up my belongings and move my rotten ass out of the way, but I’m SLOW, okay? And not just MENTALLY. Please, just stand there an extra thirty seconds, and I promise I will be out of your way.

What I Wanted to Say: “Great, BITCH.”

What I Actually Said: “I’m in the previous class. I’ll be out of your way in a second, honey.”

To My Mother Who Made Me Feel Like Shit For Being Financially Irresponsible

Mom, I’m sorry I have no money management skills and have no money to pay for my cell phone bill right now. You’re right – if you weren’t paying it, it would be turned off. You’re right, I did buy a new dress for my friend’s engagement party. No, I shouldn’t have charged on my credit card. Yes, you are enabling me.

What I Wanted to Say: “When you said you would support me no matter what my decision was regarding law school, I guess that didn’t mean financially.”

What I Actually Said: I left and went back to my apartment in NYC instead of talking about it.

To the Hot Boy That Returned My Cell Phone

This guy found my cell phone, hung up signs around the school until I saw them, and then gave me my cell phone back. He was also smoking hot. Did I take this opportunity to form a connection with another human being in law school? Absolutely not.

What I Wanted To Say: “Hey, thanks! Where did you find it? Do we have any classes together? We should get together some time and study. And bone. Either or! Call me!”

What I Actually Said: “Thanks so much! I didn’t even know I lost it.” (truth)

To the Dumb Sales Guy at Lush Who Said “Oh my GOD I love your BAG!”

Hey, buddy. Relax. I’m going to buy some bubble bath, don’t worry about your sale. The bag is hideous, and it’s a typical black tourist bag with “Amsterdam” written over it. I’m pretty sure they have them in Times Square and they say “New York City “ all over them. Mine is not any prettier than those. Please cut the phony sales routine and give me my damn bubble bath.

What I wanted to Say: “Thank you!”

What I Actually Said: “Thank you!” – after all, it’s a compliment, no matter how phony, no need to be excessively rude.

To My Leasing Agent Who Said You’d Take Care of My Broken Mirror

You said that the super would come fix my mirror a month ago. Nothing has happened, and my mirror is still cracked. When it shatters and I cut my foot on glass, I will have malformed feet and I will sue you for pain and suffering. I will theoretically also not be able to practice my future career, and will request compensation for that as well.

What I Wanted To Say: “Dear Rude Ass, my mirror is still broken and I have no fucking hot water in my kitchen except on random weekend mornings. Can someone please fucking fix this so I don’t have crusty ass dishes?”

What I Actually Said: Nothing. I’ve had to call the super twice, once to let me in after I locked myself out of my apartment, and once to turn my oven off when I left it on and went back to Long Island for the weekend. I feel like I’ve used my quota up.

* * *

Okay! Now your turn! Share your most infuriating story in the comments below, and tell us what you said – and what you really wanted to say. Or, if you’re one of those people who never hold back, give us your best retort – tell us about the time you put that douche bag right in his place – and be sure to describe in detail your smug satisfaction for all of us to take vicarious joy in.

Charlie Sheen’s Opening Night Predictably Sucks

Charlie Sheen’s Violent Torpedo of Truth/Bipolar Disaster Dickhead show opened Saturday night in Detroit, and in an absolutely shocking turn of events, it completely sucked. Over at Entertainment Weekly, they live blogged the whole fiasco. Before the show, the reporter questioned some fans outside the theater, asking if they were worried about Charlie’s mental health. Answer? Hell no, they just thought he was funny. Yea, funny until the guy holds a knife to your throat, shoots you, or beats the shit out of you. But whatever.

The show started ten minutes late, which isn’t really terrible as far as shows goes. The opening act, a comedian that I can’t even find the name of, got booed off the stage with the crowd chanting for Charlie. In fact, it got so bad that Sheen came out, begging the crowd to give the dude a chance. No such luck, and the poor comedian was off the stage in 20 minutes.

After a confusing part where the lights came back on, Charlie’s set started with a video montage of his own movie clips. How narcissistic can one asshole be? The answer seems to be “limitlessly so” as Charlie came on stage and began rambling about trolls and warlocks, going into his typical (old, boring, dumb) routine, talking about napalm and “sweat eating whores,” which basically morphed into a typical whining screed about how everybody is so mean to poor Charlie.

After the crowd became restless, with many walking out and booing Sheen, he taunted the crowd by boasting “I already got your money, dude!” Charlie then made the wonderfully sensitive remark about how he should share some stories about crack, since Detroit seems like “good place to tell some crack stories.” Wonderful. Then there’s this great live blog update from EW:

9:23 — We are watching video of Charlie Sheen playing Call of Duty.

Sheen continued to berate the crowd, basically making fun of them for wasting their money. Apparently, Snoop Dogg was supposed to show up (and Sheen and Snoop recorded a song together? WTF?). Snoop was a no show, and people continued to leave in droves as Charlie continued to offend everyone. The show ends with a video montage/music video, Charlie doesn’t bother to come back out, and the show is literally over by 10:20.

RadarOnline has some video of this catastrophe, if you have the stomach to bear this. It’s mostly him rambling about inane crap. I don’t think we’re (read: I know we’re not) really surprised by this utter shit show, and we shouldn’t per se feel sorry for the dumb schmucks that shelled out actual cash for this crap, but one could wonder about all the shows in the future. As previously reported, these shows aren’t really sold out, and rather, ticket scalpers/re-sellers bought mass amounts hoping to make a profit. Maybe Charlie Sheen will cancel future  shows, refund everyone’s money (not likely), and go sit in the corner? April Fools!

 

Crass Gossip: Monday Edition

Irony: Not drinking during the St. Patrick’s Day parade the day before to avoid a hangover, and your allergies wind up kicking your ass all day. I hope everyone in the library is enjoying me blowing my nose and/or sneezing every two seconds.

  • More Duggars! This time it’s not Michelle (woman has got to give her uterus a rest), but the oldest Duggar’s wifey is popping out her second. They also announced they’re planning a home birth. Hot. [Link via People]
  • Usher has a SEX TAPE!! I love celebrity sex tapes. I made friends freshman year in college by announcing I had Paris’s sex tape. Everyone was always like “This sucks” after watching though. That was such a bad sex tape. Actually, Kim’s sex tape sucked too. Tila’s sucks too. Kendra’s was kind of sad. (All links are NSFW/NSF-LIFE!!, obviously. Enjoy, pervs). Maybe I don’t love sex tapes anymore. Usher and his wifey are reportedly both “givers.” Based on the way he mooooves, the sex has to be good. Right? Right?? [Link via TMZ]
  • Kimora Lee Simmons’ eggo might be preggo again! The detective work in this article revolves around whether she’s really just post-baby bumpin, or new-baby bumpin. I like babies, so I’m hoping for the latter. [Via Bossip]
  • Paps “sneakily” got pictures of Coco topless in her backyard. As the article says, if you believe this, I got a bridge to sell you. Coco’s chichis make my eyeballs burst. Slightly NSFW (or for a library for that matter..awwwkward!) [Link via MTO]
  • Richard Hatch, the dude from Survivor and current Celebrity Apprentice contestant, is back to prison for not paying his taxes. He’s already spent 3 years (!) in prison for not paying taxes on his original $1 million prize. Wtf, people – just pay your damn taxes. [Link via TMZ]
  • Lindsay: Quit smoking! Back to New York. Soooo stressed by the paparazzi. Pulled over for blowing a stop sign. Fires her management. Is it just me, or are gossip sites reaching for straws with this chick?
  • I saw a lot of you watched the Rebecca Black video. Not sure if this has been posted already, but she’s apparently part of some agency that will basically make a music video for your fame-ball wanna-be-starlet kids. Um, sex tapes are free, dude. [Link via Blackbook]
  • Is it just me or does Miley look a little wastey-face here? Oh she’s just being Miley! (ba-dum-dum) [Link via Perez]
  • Gross? Someone tried to snap a picture of Jakey Gylenhaal taking a leak at SXSW. Jakey apparently got all mad and bad. That’s hot. Also, who wants a picture of peeing peen? Don’t answer that. [Via Socialite Life]
  • Ryan Philippe might be a daddy again, according to model/actress Alexi Knapp (Alexis, darling, your 15 minutes starts now). They dated (pre Amanda Seyfried), she’s pregnant, blah blah blah. Shit, I’d want Ryan to be my baby daddy too. [Link via ONTD]
  • K-Fed and Britney: co-parenting! Here’s pics of K-Fed, Brit-Brit and her boyfriend Jason Trawick attending Sean Preston’s pee-wee baseball game. This is pretty cute, but should I not comment on the elephant in the room that is Kevin Federline? Damn, homie. [Link via DListed]

Okay, I’m dead. Volunteers for the rest of the week?

Crass Gossip: Tuesday’s Titillating Tidbits

A-do a-yuh appreciate alluson’s alliteration?

  • Brooklyn’s Mitch Davie, while at a Braves-Blue Jay spring training game, caught a flying bat one handed while in the stands. More importantly, Mitch appears not to have spilt his Red Stripe beer while doing so. Follow the link for epic crowd flinch face.
  • Charlie Sheen continues to be bat shit crazy (warning: Perez link). No more Charlie Sheen updates. I feel scummy.
  • I disagree!: Sean Parker, founder of Napster and former president of Facebook, portrayed by Justin Timberlake in The Social Network, says “a billion dollars isn’t cool.” Please allow me to be the first to volunteer for being uncool. Via Huff Po and full interview with Financial Times available here.
  • Teen Mom’s Leah Messer seems to be adjusted well being a mom, being on Teen Mom, having twins, having a child with disabilities, and y’know, being a teen. Although her non-stop weeping over her daughter on the show irks me, I give this young mother a lot of credit. Interview available at Radar.
  • Sharon Osbourne and the ladies of The Talk were on Piers Morgan Tonight and Piers kept trying to get them to talk about Charlie Sheen. The ladies refused, but since Piers Morgan is a jackass, he kept pushing the issue until Sharon commented “”I know how it feels to love someone like that, and the sadness, and the damage it does within a family.” That’s no exaggeration, and we know Sharon speaks from firsthand experience. Video available at Popeater
  • David Arquette, despite his car crash the other day, seems to be OK. If you’re a sadist, you can see pictures of David immediately after the crash, laying on the ground. There’s something about this I dislike immensely, but I’m struggling to articulate.  At his AA meeting, David reported received his 60 day sober-chip. Good for him. [Via Page Six]
  • Click here to see Gary Busey’s butt crack. You’re welcome!
    • This is the tame version. Click through link to see some nekkid.
  • Wocka Flocka Flame gets nekkid, with his gold chains covering his manly bits, for PETA’s “Ink, Not Mink” campaign (cause he’s covered in tats, get it?!). Waka says ““Understand where that fox fur came from before you spend $1,000…someone got their head beat in and electrocuted.” When is Lil Wayne posing? I wanna see Lil Wayne booty! I bet he’s got a great tattoo right on his..never mind. [Via Just Jared]
  • At left is Wocka’s (is that how we say it?) tame version. Click here to see him in all his gold chain dangly goodness.

 

 

 

 

 

  • Matt Bomer is so, so, so sexy. Neil Cafferty makes my heart go pitter patter. What does a girl have to do to get a celebrity lover around here? (Also, yes I’m aware he may be gay. Don’t ruin my fantasy.)
  • From across the pond, Prince William and Kate Middleton made a visit to Belfast in Northern Ireland, where Kate tossed a pancake. Seriously. [Via People]
  • Real Housewives of Orange County is back! I don’t watch this regularly, but I do appreciate the original brand of crazy, and will always catch a rerun here and there. The ladies did not disappoint last night, with Gretchen/Tamra awkwardness at some setup party and Gretchen/Alexis spatting in the limo. [Via Blogitinity]
  • Chuck Norris thinks we are geighing the children up too much and teaching them to be sluts-in-training. [via DListed]
  • Alan Simpson, former WI senator and co-hair of the Deficit Reduction Committee (seriously? there’s a committee?), renames Eminem and Snoop to Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog, respectively. Old people are so silly! Video here for a chuckle.
  • Today’s is International Women’s Day! Who is your female hero? Mine is my mom. Seriously. Other than her, probably FLOTUS. If she ever lowered herself to their level and engaged in an actual debate with Palin and Bachmann, I have a feeling she’d wipe the floor with both of them. Share your female heroes in the comments.

Programming Notes:

Are we okay with Perez links? I know generally people think of him as pretty scummy and I actually stopped visiting after the will.i.am situation, but he’s all about the love and light these days and his posts are noticeably less caustic.

Also: Thank you ALL for the encouraging and kind comments on my first gossip post. Seriously, you really made my day. I was very nervous about how it would be perceived and you guys were sweeter than pie. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

For my fellow gossip-lovers: Right now, the following people have expressed interest in gossip roundups: EthologyNerd, GtCosita, bboston88, and ihatediamonds. If I forgot you, let me know in the comments. If anyone else wants be a gossip-whore too, chime in the comments. Originally, EthologyNerd and I were going to try some sort of collaborative effort, but if we have enough people, then perhaps we can each take a day. Here is my suggestion (pending editors okaying), and you guys let me know: Everyone picks day that works, that person starts the post by 12pm.  If I don’t see something started by then, I’ll start one. If I don’t start one within that time, someone else can pick it up. Submit to pending by 5:30-6pm at the latest. If someone can’t do their day, they say something in the Open Threads and someone else can pick it up. Thoughts? Editors, do we like this?

Weekend and Monday Gossip Catchup

Allie done got herself an author account and she is just so excited to share this week’s gossip with y’all. So excited that she immediately put down her Evidence textbook and began writing this post for you. Since this post is coming late, I’m including the weekend’s gossip, and the top stories from today.

  • Shocker!: WB fires Charlie Sheen from CBS comedy Two and a Half Men. No word on whether production on the show will continue without Mr. Sheen. One and a Half Men doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, especially since that Angus T. Jones is ginormous now and is more of a Man than a Half-Man. Two Men and a Baby? Hasn’t that been done already? Anyway…(via TMZ).
  • Charlie’s Sheen’s response to being fired:

    “This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension.”

    I get the sense we should be ignoring this guy for his own good.(Link via TMZ).

  • Lindsay Lohan is apparently upset that Miley took a few hits at her during her opening monologue on Saturday Night Live this past weekend. Lorne Michaels is like a “father figure” to her, blah blah blah. Sounds like someone needs to learn how to take a joke. (Link via Dlisted).
  • Here’s the clip that’s got LiLo all heated:

  • In other LiLo news, the jewelry shop sold the video footage of her allegedly stealing the necklace for around $25,000 to $35,000 depending on which site you read. AP bought the footage and it was quickly licensed out to ET. You can watch Lindz’s alleged thievery by clicking here. Sites are reporting that the prosecution is pissed as hell that the jewelry store sold the footage, since it makes the jewelry store owners look like money-grubbing famewhores trying to make a quick buck off poor Lilo.
  • Picture of the mini-fashionista Suri Cruise popped up with her with a binkie in her mouth. Suri’s nearly 5 years old, so this is a little weird for some people. I say let the kid enjoy her binkie, not like Tom and Katie can’t afford the orthodontics in 5 years. *Insert obligatory barley water joke here.* Link via E!
  • No big deal: Amanda Seyfried dated Alexander Skarsgård. In other news, Brad Pitt and I just grabbed coffee last week. No big deal. Via Dlisted via Elle
  • Ke-dollar sign-sha made a deal with Lifestyles to put her glittery face on condoms. Is her face on the wrapper or on the condom itself? Can we blow her face up like a balloon? And pop it? I task you all to report back to me! Link via TMZ.
  • Comedian Mike DeStefano passed away of a heart attack. DeStefano recently was among the top five finalists in NBC’s past season of Last Comic Standing. Bummer. Link via Punchline Magazine.
  • Rachel Green starred a commercial for Smartwater that involves all types of internet memes, including my favorite lip-syncing little guy, puppies, BABIES!, double rainbow guy, Brad Wollock getting kicked in the nuts, and Rachel getting seXXXy with some water. Video here!

If anyone else wants to get in on the gossip action, holler at your gurl (that’d be me). This is harder than it looks, I give fellow Crasstalk authors props! I pulled most of gossip from TMZ and Dlisted today, so if anyone has any good sites to recommend, please let me know in the comments. I know we had some interest for rotating gossip columns during the Writer’s Workshop, so let me know about this as well!