politics

379 posts

South Carolina has Spoken!

Except that no one liked him, everything was going so well for Romney. Until South Carolina.

Mighty South Carolina has spoken!  The filth encrusted pig men of Iowa chose Romney Santorum! The flinty maple miners of New Hampshire chose Romney! Now, the salt-encrusted shimp-herds of South Carolina get to close the deal and pick the real nominee, Willard “Inevitable” Romney! Oh, hell, they picked loathsome space-creature Newton Leroy Gingrich. This screws up everything. South Carolina basically fell on the floor and started jabbering like Rick Moranis in “Ghostbusters.”
The GOP campaign traditionally starts with Iowa’s Over-Pig rising from a hog-farm shit-lagoon and anointing a candidate with his corn-scepter. This year, the squealing pig men dumped the traditional waste-encrusted Gatorade cooler full of victory ethanol over the head of Willard “10k” Romney, who won by only eight pig-votes. Continue reading →

Gingrich’s Woman Scorned Plans Reverse Scorning on ABC News

ABC News is reportedly planning to air a interview with Marianne Gingrich, Newt Gingrich’s second wife (for all you keeping count of our good Catholic man’s spouses) tonight. There have been no clips released, and ABC is not discussing what the second Mrs. Gingrich may or may not have said in her two-hour sit down with correspondent Brian Ross. Here’s a little roundup of previous statements from the Washington Post. Could be something, could be nothing. Continue reading →

Rick Perry Drops Out, National Gaffe Index Plummets

Texas Governor Nathan Bedford Forrest Gump surrenders in South Carolina

The nation weeps today, partially because it’s only Thursday and not Friday, but mostly because Texas Governor Nathan Bedford Forrest Gump is dropping his laff-riot of a GOP presidential bid. This leaves us with only Massachusetts protocol droid Willard “10k” Romney, accursed undying gold-obsessed man-skeleton Ron Paul, horrifying space-beast Newton Leroy Gingrich, and He Who Must Not Be Searched for in Google. The hapless incompetent is expected to endorse disgraced former House Speaker Gingrich.

The governor–often referred to in the media by his pro wrestling moniker “Rick Perry,” entered the race over the summer as the party was undergoing one of it’s periodic fits of nausea and buyer’s remorse over the campaign of frontrunning software packet Willard Romney.  Governor Gump, with his glistening hair and magnificent posture, initially polled well against Romney, who was slowed down by his glitch-prone FrontRunner 1.5 software. Continue reading →

Texans Are Required to Have Fetuses Shown or Described to Them

On Tuesday the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals reversed an injunction that stopped Texas’ restrictive sonogram law. Under the reaffirmed  law, abortion providers are required to show or describe an ultrasound image of a woman’s pregnancy. The only exceptions to the law are if the fetus was conceived by rape or incest or if the fetus has an abnormality. Women can decline to view the sonogram, but she must listen to the doctor’s description. Continue reading →

Time To Say Farewell to Michele Bachmann

We’ve learned today that Michele Bachmann, our favorite Admiral in the fight for America’s freedom, hopefully wrestled away from the dirty Kenyan while using the Ronald Reagan sword of mercy and defiance, will be ending her campaign for the Republican presidential nomination. A crushing defeat in Iowa last night sealed her fate, and really made it rather ridiculous to continue, but the biggest loser here is us, those of us who will miss her contribution to the world of politics — and by extension comedy. Continue reading →

The Iowa Caucus Live: One of These People Will Have the Best Night Ever

Yes, so, it comes down to this. Are we excited about tonight’s outcome? Yes! Either Romney, or one of these people who’ve seen a surge in their popularity for the simple reason of not being Mitt Romney could walk away with the whole she-bang! What will they get at the end of the night? Nothing, really, because soon they’ll have to battle it out in New Hampshire. And let’s not forget that Mike Huckabee won this thing in 2008 and didn’t get the nomination, so really all that matters is who drops out of the race tomorrow, right? Right. Continue reading →

The Best American Political Moments of 2011

Well, it has been an exciting year in politics. From Tunis to Boston people took to the streets to demand change. Meanwhile, the world’s politicians continued with their usual asshattery, especially in the US, where another election promises more annoying declarations from the sad group of candidates who seek our votes. The Crasstalk News and Politics team has been here to hold your hand as we pass the horrific car accident that is our future, and we have picked out a few choice moments of the year for you to laugh at through the tears. Here are our picks for the best (and by best we mean lulzy) political moments of the year. Continue reading →