Last week, my niece was in town with her newborn son. I spent several hours holding him because I have a long-standing weakness for infants. It was so nice to spend some quiet time with the newest member of our family. Since I was enjoying myself, several people asked if I wanted another baby. I have just enough time to squeeze one more in if I hurry.
The answer is “No”. The truth is that I am weary of monitoring small butts. Every baby is a minimum two year commitment to diapers. Honestly, it’s probably more like three years and that doesn’t include nighttime wetting. My daughter, who I will call Bean, is 2.5 and I am finally seeing the light at the end of the diaper tunnel. I can’t go back. I won’t go back. I can’t bear the thought of an endless pile of diapers on the horizon.
We are vigilantly working on potty training. Bean has agreed to sit on the potty. This represents more progress than you’d think. For a while, she screamed any time I suggested it. I have a toilet ring which adjusts a regular sized toilet to small butts. I tried one of those potties that are kid-sized but you have to empty them and it’s so gross. I’d rather change diapers.
Bean will sit on the potty but she is not 100% certain what is supposed to happen when she is on said potty. She knows toilet paper and flushing are involved. However, today, she wanted to sit on the potty after she’d pooped. I am glad that she knows pooping and the potty are related. Now I just have to help her understand the order in which these things are supposed to happen. It’s sort of like housebreaking a puppy (yes, I compared a child to a dog. Hopefully, the dogs won’t be offended). It takes a lot of time and patience and a good deal of rug cleaner.
It occurred to me that there is a great business idea in here. Potty training is such a chore and there’s no good support out there. All parents hate it. Potty training books, like most parenting books, are chiefly useless. Videos are more of the same and often come with terrible jingles that get stuck in your head.
Someone could make a fortune with a potty training boot camp. I would pay darned good money for a place I could drop off a diapered toddler and pick up a potty-trained pro. There is no service like this that I am aware of. Some daycares will help with training but I still think it’s too much work for the parents. I think a focused bunker-type situation is the way to go.
Here are the startup costs as I see them:
• Toilets
• Toilet paper out the wazoo
• Towels
• Even more towels
• Linoleum or pergot covered space (no carpet)
• Target (for boys)
• Fluids to hydrate children
• The patience of a saint
Boot camp could take place over several days. There would be teams of Potty Training Consultants available to drill the children on potty training. The consultants could demonstrate bathroom skills with charts and dolls (there are lots of dolls that have basic biological functions). They could take the kids to the bathroom every 15 minutes until the kid gets the idea. Some kids will catch on in one day. Stubborn children could return for additional training. There is probably even a market for refresher courses.
I would sooooo pay for this. Like I said, I’m tired of monitoring small butts. When you’re a parent, you hear stories about children who potty train at 18 months or learn to potty train in less than an hour. These are lies. They are as blatantly untrue as the stories you heard when you were single about cheating partners suddenly becoming faithful.
If you have a few dollars in startup money or are pretty sure that your job will be in the toilet (!) come August 2nd, this may be an option for you. I am convinced that there are thousands of parents like me that cannot tolerate the smell of wee anymore. You’d be providing a valuable public service and if the dollar declines you can always make the parents pay you in food or make them turn over their jewels. If you can get their kids out of diapers, they’ll agree to almost anything.
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