Craigslost is back! Somehow we survived the first edition of our terrifying exciting peek into the soul of America’s favorite creep-fest with fairly few outbreaks of horrible jungle-viruses.
If one truly wishes to understand the soul of Craigslist, you must try to imagine the most skeevy person you know. This is where a world where nothing is off-limits, where no sexual advance goes too far, where Anthony Weiner is considered a rank amateur. Are you scared yet? Because you should be!
Let’s get to the good stuff fuckery.
pregnant at Jasons deli buckhead today – m4w – 42 (Buckhead)
you are the most beautiful girl i have ever seen. you were in a pretty dress, pregnant with a friend and her baby..
pls contact me
If you see an attractive pregnant lady at the deli, you should DEFINITELY assume that she’s single and checking out the Missed Connections section of Craigslist.
You- pregnant, I- wishing I was the father – m4w – 30 (college park)
I helped you with change. You were such a polite and beautyful woman,. You’re pregnant & I wish that I was the father. That guy behind the counter was so rude to you because you had all that change. Man!!! I just wanted to go behind that counter & punch him over & over. That gas station sucks anyway! If you read this please be mine!
I like how this guy takes it a much higher level than Jason’s Deli guy in the first ad. He doesn’t just mention how beautiful beautyful she is, he comes right out and says he wishes he were the father. Also, I love how he immediately mentions fantasizing about jumping over the gas station counter and beating the snot out of the clerk. True love means you’re always willing to commit assault and battery for your baby mama. I’m pretty sure he would make an excellent father and his kids would definitely not spend their childhoods visiting the state prison once a month.
Sexy Alabama tatts big boobs Roswell Rd Publix – m4w – 39 (Roswell Rd around 3-4pm)
WOW!!! You were driving a red SUV, Alabama plates, stickers on your car advertising tats and circle k. You looked totally amazing, skinny drop dead gorgeous body, beautiful long black hair and OMG, huge spectacular boobs. I asked you how your day was, you looked confused…
Would love to get to know you better
I only date women who drive red SUVs with advertisements for tattoo parlors and convenice stores on them. You haven’t lived til you’ve been with a badass Circle K bitch! I REALLY wish this ad came with a picture. C’mon Craigslist creeps, up your game!
$500 EZgoing male roomate (Atlanta)
Very Laidback Male roomate seeks same to share nice intown home. Non smokers preffered private yard with hot tub avail.
- Location: Atlanta
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2447672761
So I’m scrolling through the Roomate Wanted listings. Blah blah blah, you want a non-smoker. I get it. Oh, what’s this? “EZgoing male roomate.” Well that seems vague and questionably spelled! Let’s click on that one and see what we find.
WHAT THE WHAT.
Need Band. This might be for you… If so, read. (Atlanta)
Hello. My name is Tyler. Tyler Durdenn. Yes, just like the movie. In all actuality though I am a rapper/musician/producer. I say musician because I make music. Good music. Not this bullshit you hear on the radio everyday dumbing you down until your brain collapses into syncopated mush. But I digress. I’ve been producing for almost 8yrs and have a nice list of credits but now I want to do something different. Revolutionary if you will… So, I want a band. I know, bands have been started before but I want to take all my knowledge, showmanship, contacts, connections, fans, and haters, and turn this band in to the greatest hip-hop/pop act of all time. OF ALL TIME!! (insert Kanye joke here) I have several A&R friends and the powers that be want me to use studio musicians and basically take the industry approach, but where is the fun in that? How is the chemistry built? Aren’t the small joys of getting your first groupies, playing your first show, surfing your first crowd, better when your living and experiencing it with people you worked with, bleed with, and maybe even made bleed?? I happen to think so.
So this is Project Mayhem and here is what I need:
2 guitarist. (lead/rhythm) 1 bassist. 1 keyboardist. 1 drummer. The basics, right? Well let me be more specific.Guitar 1.(the Man)
Handsome, (gotta please the ladies)
Slightly Arrogant, (what musician is not??)
Cool, (yes, cool is a requirement)
Outgoing,(duh…)
Guitar God. (He must be able to play. Like WOW, did you just hear that dude play, PLAY!)
Guitar 1 will handle solo’s, hook vocals, and lead vocals. He also pulls the ladies.Guitar 2. (the myth)
Rugged, (you want around in a bar fight)
Arrogant, (Guys gotta have ego)
Cool, (cool still is a requirement
Guitar Hero, (he plays rhythm and takes it seriously)
Guitar 2 will handle rhythm guitar, some solo work, and background vocals. He also buys the beer.The Bassist (the legend)
Emo, (you play bass, you gotta be emotional, right?)
Humble, (Somebody has to be peacemaker)
Bass Master (You set the groove, man)
The Bassist, well obviously plays bass but it would be nice if he could rap or sing backgroundThe Keyboardist (All of the Above)
He can play 2 boards at a time.
He can read music and play by ear.
He knows Mozart as well as Moby.
There are plenty synths used in my production and I need someone who can pick up the melodies and rock with them.
Background Vocals a plusThe Drummer (The Wild One)
Need someone with an ELECTRONIC DRUMSET!!
Yes real drums are cool, but we are doing hip-hop/pop which means I’ll be changing drum sounds like socks on a rainy day.
He is also versatile, from trance to hip-hop to pop to rock to techno to whatever genre creativity takes us.
Background vocals a plusMe (Tyler Durdenn)
Responsible for Rapping and 3rd guitar.
I will put together what all needs to be put together.
I am the Executive Producer. The Facilitator. The Motivator.Now if you have made it this far into the post and think you can fill one of these positions, good for you. I do need you to realize one thing. This is serious. This is not a play band. This is a commitment. For making this commitment I will make sure I give you 100 percent. No half assness. In other words SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY!! The main reason is because there are opportunities that can be squander or capitalized on. I plan to capitalize. First order of business is “I’m A Star” The song is EPIC. We could go anywhere, Europe, Australia, Japan…get the picture?? Good. I need a brief bio, a mugshot, and a reason why you are the one I am looking for. If you are the one, I will send you the rough for “I’m A Star” As soon as all the pieces are in place as far as the band goes, we shoot the video. Next is “Handle it” “What the F#ck Do You Want” “Inseparable” and “The Money” Each song aimed at a different demographic and genre of music. Yes, I have practice space. Yes, I have a studio. Yes, we will write new songs. Yes, we will cover other people’s songs. Yes, I have shows lined up. No, I am not lying. And yes, I did mean greatest Hip-Hop/Pop Band of ALL TIME!! So this is the end. Thank you for your time. This has been Tyler’s Craiglist Post…
This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time…
Imma let you finish, but this is CLEARLY the greatest Musicians Wanted ad of all time. I’m slightly suspicious that it’s a joke but I want to believe it’s real. BELIEVE, people! I cannot wait to hear Tyler Durdenn’s (just like Fight Club but spelled wrong different) revolutionary rap-pop played on three guitars and electronic drums. They’re gonna be huge in Japan.
Thank you for your time. This has been Botswana’s Crasstalk post about Tyler’s Craigslist Post…
Looking for a cool girl to hang out next weekend on my boat at Lake Lanier. Maybe drift into Sunset Cove and hang out with the crowd, enjoy a few cocktails and watch the show! I have all the water toys and equpment, just need the right girl to make the day complete. Put “Lanier World” in the subject line and include a pic. We can talk first and get to know each other. I’ll pick you up next Saturday at Port Royal Marina & off we go for a day of fun and sun. If you feel more comfortable you are welcome to bring along a girlfriend. Let’s do it!
I’m scared to know what “all the water toys and equipment” means in the demi-monde of Craigslist skeevs. This guy has clearly seen the “The Gang Buys a Boat” episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia because he’s obviously hoping to get laid based on Dennis’ system of The Implication.
