You thought I forgot about Craigslost? Hell and no!
Slim Pickens and I spent hours this week trawling the bottom of the human slime pond that is Craigslist to bring you another round of soul-crushing-yet-hilarious stories about JO knife fights, sack-punching fetishes and manhood camping the human condition.
Let’s get to the fuckery!
(Craigslost is NSFW but there’s no nudity, just sexual language.)
My Bride Needs Green – m4m – 26 (Lawrenceville, Suwanee, Buford, Alpharet)
Date: 2012-04-05, 8:20PM EDT
Reply to: [email protected]
Getting married tomorrow afternoon, my future wife would love nothing more than a dub to finish off the ceremony. Can be mobile in the AM.
- Location: Lawrenceville, Suwanee, Buford, Alpharet
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2942701767
Bots: Sometimes the Sewer Monster Creatures who post things on Craigslist completely lose me with their strange argot of terrible drug and sex lingo. This is one of those times. I think he wants to pimp out his own (adorable) wife on their wedding night? Is that right? Is there anything more beautiful than a newlywed couple in love? Touching.
Slim: Dub? Dammit, you can’t get away from dubstep, even on Craigslist. Let Skrillex provide the soundtrack to your nightmares! Untz, untz, untz…
Machine Elves – 42 (McDonough)
Date: 2012-04-18, 10:37AM EDT
Reply to: [email protected]
Seeking mimosa ticket from spiritual and highly educated friend of the machine elves.
- Location: McDonough
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2965010415
Bots: Is this some sort Negro bee-bop drug pusher slang that the kids are using nowadays? If so, know anywhere I can get some mimosa tickets and machine elves, daddy-o?
Slim: You know this bitch is going to cut you with one of his healing crystals and stuff you in his beribboned bicycle basket.
Chubby Straight guy wanting his ass fucked – m4m – 21 (Henry county)
Date: 2012-04-18, 9:12PM EDT
Reply to: [email protected]
Needing hung guy for quick fuck and go. 420 friendly you supply! I’m chubby 6’1 and completely clean your pic gets mine! No pic no reply!
- Location: Henry county
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2966300717
Bots: How many times do we need to go over this? If you partake in anal sex with other men, JO knifefights or manhood camping trips, YOU ARE NOT STRAIGHT.
Slim: I mean, you’re the expert, Bots…..
Bots: I am the world’s foremost authority on JO knifefights, according to Google.
I need a down bitch!!! (FRiENds) – w4w – 19 (doraville )
Date: 2012-04-18, 5:19PM EDT
Reply to: [email protected]
Ages 18-20 only!!! My name iz cherry ima white snow bunnie i need a bad bitch.. Jus friends but if it came to a point where I needed to do a lil more than it iz wat it iz. Plz be BI and luv dicc I do gotta mann Jus looking fa a bitch to chill and smocc wit . I gotta place but not really ” mobile “!! Letz get it I wouldn’t prefer a Blacc gurl ..yur piccs get myne
- Location: doraville
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2932926718
Bots: I luvs me sum “white snow bunnies.” I love how she initially makes it sound like she’s totally not into girls sexually and just wants a friend… but if it came to a point where she needed to do a lil bit more, well then it’s cool.
Slim: So what if Cherry and I are in the middle of a friendly, TOTALLY PLATONIC pillow fight and we just happen to start making out? So be it, Bots. So be it.
Bots: This is my fantasy.
Christian woman seeking friendship – w4w – 35 (Snellville)
Date: 2012-04-18, 3:43PM EDT
Reply to: [email protected]
Hey there ladies! I’m so totally in love with the Lord and I’m looking for other women who are too. I’m married and have five kids. My children are not living with me right now.
I am in recovery from alcohol abuse and I’d like someone who doesn’t drink. I’d also like someone non-judgmental. My interests include dance, art and the bible. I am a homemaker
right now but have the goal of someday being a tattoo artist.
Hit me up and lets get some fellowship started!
Hugs in Christ
- Location: Snellville
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2938580038
Slim: I love Jesus Tweakers. She can probably recite the entire Book of Job while ass up, spinning around a stripper pole. She can bake cookies and get baked. She can get the kids to school with 10 minutes to spare AND do 10 donuts in her Trans-Am in under 10 seconds. Bristol Palin, welcome to your future!
Bots: (Cracks knuckles) Where to begin? You’re a homemaker-slash-aspiring tattoo artist — just like Ann Romney! Those kids were fucked from the start. If the state hadn’t taken them away, this would be the PTA mom passed out at the bake sale table from a combination of boxed wine and 12 percocets. Hugs in Christ!
attractive homegirlz – w4w – 21
Date: 2012-04-17, 11:33PM EDT
Reply to: [email protected]
No men.If you are a guy dont even bother you will automatically be deletedwas up girls.let me make this brief and simple.Im a model chick based out of florida and will be up in the A soon for a photoshot and networking.im lookin for attractive new friendz to show stop the city.you must be on ya shid and have something goin for yourself.please no bi chicks or gay.i respect ya decision but rather straight fly girls.um you must be in the know in some way.know about hot spots where celebs venture or hang or just were high profound individual are.im looking for girly girls as wellif you are tall thats as plusplease attach your picture so i can reply to you.please put “atl shawty”in the subject so i know this isnt spam mail.No Picture No Reply
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2964529878
Bots: Slim! She wants a tall friend (aka ATL Shawty) to show her around town “where the celebs venture.” You’re perfect for this job! I bet you know where all the “high profound individual are.”
Slim: And I’m definitely on mah shid. BRB I’ve got some emailing to do!
howdy ho!! – m4w – 25 (Mall of GA area)
Date: 2012-04-18, 7:53AM EDT
Reply to: [email protected]
A little bit about meself ..I’m 25, I do have 2 kids, and am in a relationship.
I don’t have many friends.
And let’s face it, I’m kinda hot.
I’m also intelligent, stubborn, and am an absolute pain in the ass.I’m really just looking for someone to text and talk to throughout the day, if we get along, maybe hang out sometime in the future if we’re in the same area. I can get passionate about just about anything, especially of you challenge me. I won’t lie, it’d be nice if you’re attractive, but I could honestly give two shits less.
- Location: Mall of GA area
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2964790652
Bots: How could any lady resist this ad? It’s not possible! Even if you have a face like Golda Meir and Gary Shandling’s teeth, this handsome gentleman “could honestly give two shits less.” Romantic!
Slim: And let’s face it (is that the best part of the ad or what?) he’s”kinda attractive.” Ladies, pee on him and mark your territory; don’t let this one get away!
DAD SEEKING LATINO OR ASIAN SON – m4m (GWINNETT)
Date: 2012-04-17, 9:14AM EDT
Reply to: [email protected]
Mature, white divorced professional guy here.
Have nice home for hosting.Send picture, stats and any other info in first reply or be deleted.Place the word DAD in the subject line.
- Location: GWINNETT
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2962910523
Slim: The first clue was that this in Gwinnett (a very GOP-friendly suburb of Atlanta). If there’s one thing the good honkys of Gwinnett County hate more than liberal politics and wrinkled khakis, it’s non-honkys. NICE TRY, HONKYS.
Bots: This is like that one scene in American Psycho — the one where the suburban yuppie perv drug dealer guy is playing Huey Lewis and the News on his hi-fi while a half-naked Chinese boy is lighting fire crackers in the living room. Nothing good could ever come of this ad.
My anal princess – m4w – 37 (otp north)
Date: 2012-04-09, 2:42PM EDT
Reply to: [email protected]
Dominant Daddy needs an anal pricess. Please be 18-30 and open minded. Understanding Daddy’s needs is a big part of making this special. If you want to learn to be a princess, I’m willing to train you.
- Location: otp north
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2948688125
Bots: Gah. Men are terrible. Just the worst. I’m ready to become a lesbian.
Slim: It’s going to take more than a bit of Craigslist-related PTSD to get into our feminist enclave!
Bots: That sounds dirty.
Looking to meet a pregnant woman – m4w – 20 (Lawrenceville)
Date: 2012-04-18, 12:45PM EDT
Reply to: [email protected]
I’m looking to meet up with a pregnant woman.in a 20 year old white male about 6’0″ and 220lb.
Only requirement on your part is that you can meet me,and you don’t mind someone touching you belly.
I can meet you at the brusters in suwanee road at anytime your good.
If you have any questions feel free to ask in your responce.
Please place ‘pregnant’ in the subject so I know your not spam.
- Location: Lawrenceville
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2965287609
Bots: Please, please let this be some sort of To Catch a Predator-style sting operation to catch horribly unfit mothers before they even give birth. Also it really bothers me that this creep wants to meet at Bruster’s, which, for those of you not from Atlanta, is a wholesome ice cream parlor type place. I don’t want my fat kid hot fudge waffle cone sundae sullied by some weirdo’s preggo fetish.
Slim: Seriously. Everybody knows the glory holes are at Arby’s, the JO knifefights take place behind the Chik-fil-a dumpsters and the freaky-deaky pregnant ladies are at Shoney’s in the booths next to the buffet. Pffft. Duh.
Seeking quality lactation – mw4w – 45 (Pick up)
Date: 2012-04-15, 8:51AM EDT
Reply to: [email protected]
Looking for lactating woman willing to share The Perfect Nutrition. We know the importanc of what you have, so why not share? Yes it’s a little bit erotic but even more so needed. This is not an ad for sex but good quality breast milk. Take time to research and understand what you have. Serious only.
- Location: Pick up
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2959268567
Bots: Speaking of dairy products, the price of a gallon of milk has gotten crazy lately, has it not? Also, I think “this is not an ad for sex, but good quality breast milk” is a phrase most of us have heard quite often in life. You find some real salt of the Earth folks on Craigslist.
Slim: Don’t think of it as giving away your boob juice to some Craigslist weirdo. Think of it as feeding the world! It is the Perfect Nutrition, after all.
Bots: Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go wash down this glass of milk with a gallon of brain bleach.
Slim: Don’t let the bleach irritate your hot tub rash.
Bots: Good to know that awareness of HTR is on the rise.
