9 posts

Craigslost: All I Want For Christmas is a Midget Orgy Behind the Hardee’s Dumpster

One year when we were kids, my dad decided to mess with my brother and I in a way not unlike that Jimmy Kimmel video that has been making the rounds this week. He brought out a huge wrapped-up gift and stuck it under the tree. After every other gift had been opened, my brother and I tore the wrapping paper off and there it was — an entire pig’s head from a butcher shop. He thought this was hilarious… and YouTube hadn’t even been invented yet.

So Christmas brings out the crazy side in all of us and nowhere is that more evident than at the Shopping Mall of Perversion that is Craigslist. When Slim Pickens and I first kicked around the idea of a Christmas-themed Craigslost we honestly didn’t think we’d find nearly enough demented assholery and Freudian dysfunction for an entire post. Boy were we wrong. (Slim: Never before have I been so glad that I was wrong. I think.)

Let’s get to the fuckery! (Warning: Craigslost is NSFW.)

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Craigslost – Bots and Slim Finally Get the Band Back Together

We know how much you crazy kids love Craigslost. It’s a veritable institution, like 60 Minutes, or racism. But it so happens that the dark and perverted netherworld of is simply too much for one man to trawl. Navigating the fine line between hilarious and disgusting is quite a workout.

Why is it so exhausting? Well first of all, the intrepid CL explorer has to learn all sorts of pervert shorthand. It’s probably a lot like being in the military. For example, when it says “BBC” in the title it’s not in fact an ad for Doctor Who fetishists. It actually means Big Black Cock. I learned that after innocently/stupidly clicking on the ad and being greeted with a giant picture of a BBC. I now have BBC PTSD.

So it’s a lot of hard work… and that’s why the legendary (and fellow ATLien) Slim Pickins has joined the Craigslost team. She put on her bio-hazard suit, strapped on the slime goggles and went digging with me for the best psycho-trash we could find. Let’s get to the fuckery!

Warning: Craigslost is NSFW. 
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Craigslost: Seeking a Platonic Spanking Bud

Hello kiddies. I see you’ve come back for more carnival of horrors. Apparently the JO Knifefights didn’t scare you off. (They should’ve.)

Well over the past few days I received a bunch of new Craigslost submissions from some of my favorite people in the world: Dancing Queen, BoobooKitteh, SusanBAwesome, GenderFenderBender and the inimitable Slim Pickens all sent me this week’s craziest free classified ad crap. So sit back, pour yourself a glass of leprechaun blood and admire the Hieronymous Bosch-ian tableau of nihilistic perversion and insanity that is Craigslist.

Let’s get to the fuckery! (Warning: Today’s Craigslost is very NSFW!) Continue reading

Craigslost: Camping with the Fellas

Don’t you just love camping? The mosquito bites, the smell of marshmallows burning like molten lava, the weird people in the next campground over.

And you know who ruins camping? The ladies! What with their bear-attracting menstruation and need to possess so much of the air mattress’s surface area, they’re just not cut out for it. Sometimes men just need to be men. Together. Alone.  In the woods. If you think this sounds gay, you’re completely wrong.

(Quick Warning: This week’s Craigslost might be NSFW. There is some questionable  language but no obscene images.)  Let’s get to the fuckery!

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Craigslost: We Are Your Friends

Friends. Who needs ’em? Well it turns out that we all need ’em. Without friends, who will bail us out of jail, run to CVS for the Morning After pill or send us those dirty text messages?

And you know who really needs friends? Craigslist People! In the Gathering of the Juggalos on Poppers-esque subterranean hellscape that is Craigslist, a “friend” is someone who is game for whatever random quasi-illegal fetish you’re into. It’s a beautiful thing, really.

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Craigslost: Hey Sexy Pregnant Ladies!

Craigslost is back! Somehow we survived the first edition of our terrifying exciting peek into the soul of America’s favorite creep-fest with fairly few outbreaks of horrible jungle-viruses.

If one truly wishes to understand the soul of Craigslist, you must try to imagine the most skeevy person you know. This is where a world where nothing is off-limits, where no sexual advance goes too far, where Anthony Weiner is considered a rank amateur. Are you scared yet? Because you should be!

Let’s get to the good stuff fuckery.  Continue reading

Craigslost: This Week’s Greatest Classified Ads Ever

I’ve been wanting to write about the amazingness that is Craigslist for the longest time. You see, I love Craigslist. I love it so bad that, in the eloquent words of one Craigslist poster, I want the site to bring the popcorn and leave its panties.

So I decided to do like all great journalists and steal someone else’s idea find inspiration from those who came before me.  In this case, I was inspired by Amy Blair’s excellent (and sadly defunct) Week in Craig column at The Black Table and (later) Animal New York.

So that’s enough chit-chat. Bring on the fuckery!  Continue reading

Craigslist Personals – Everyone Is Nuts

Morrissey sang the following words: “Oh, the Devil will find work for idle hands to do.”

Apart from him being a tortured closet case, you have to agree with him.

As you know, I am in Gay Nirvana with a man whom I adore.  But it was a long road to finding him.  (Straighties, stay with me – there’s plenty for you here and you know I think the world of you.  Except Arken.  Allergies to kitties are a character flaw.)

I’m homo alone, it’s cold and rainy, there’s nothing on TV and I finished my latest Douglas Preston / Lincoln Child confection of a book.  So, whilst surfing the Intertubes, I made a mistake.  I looked at Craigslist.

This wasn’t a mistake like Holy-Shiz-Betts-Is-A-Slut.  I wasn’t DOING anything, just looking.  Here’s why – you know that part in The Wizard Of Oz when he’s trying to be all Great and Powerful and Toto yanks the curtain off, exposing the fact that Oz is basically generated in a 1930s Frigidaire?  I LOVE that.  Because most people are full of baloney, and the best relationships are between people who know this and embrace it and maybe like your baloney a little.

I learned the following.

  • 1) No gay man on Craigslist is a top.  (For you straighties, this means a fella who likes to do the penetrating.)
  • 2) No one has a face picture.  There are lots of improbably worked-out chests, and if you forgot what a penis looks like, there’s plenty of that.  The M4M section is like a Sam’s Club sized crate of hotdogs.
  • 3) No one spells the word “discreet” correctly.
  • 4) There are codes! Skiing = coke, roses = you’re paying for the nookie, climbing = meth (I think).

Dating is tough on a Gay of a certain age.  We’re more repressed, the social damage done to many of us as kids leads to issues, and the pool is just smaller.  I lived this, and so have most of my friends.  Wee Gays have it a lot better.  That’s not bitching, it’s just fact.

But you straighties?  I don’t know how the human race survives, because I looked there too and lots of you are crazy.  Need a chubby girl to sit on your lap?  She’s there.  Ladies, are you driven wild by a man in panties? He’s there too.  HPV cases? Got ’em!  One gal calls herself a Goddess – why is she still single?  One jerk posted a pic of himself looking more stoned than James Franco in a bar.  I now will look at every child I see as a small miracle, because that is what they are.  I’m also not letting Cap’n Crocker out of my sight.

Lesbians had a startling amount of platonic friends to pick from, and men willing to impregnate them. (One such dude posted a sonogram, in case the lovely Sapphic ladies have never seen a baby.)  A few of the actual lesbians were crazy as well – one wanted to “lick and learn” and another was a Pool Having Sugar Momma.   I’m not sure what to do with either of those things, but I’m sure someone must have a clue.  Maybe a margarita with extra salt would work for both of them.

Craigslist is like a giant klieg light on the cavalcade of batshittery that is being single in the US.  I was afraid to even peek at Sweden’s version.  Not without a cocktail.

Aaaand, here’s where Uncle Betty gets servicey, because we may have forgotten something recently: Grandmother was right.

First of all, if you have a relationship with someone who isn’t an alkie, or abusive, or emotionally distant, you grab that person by the hand and never let the hell go.  You appreciate that person and you make sure s/he knows it.  Your honeybun likes lemon tarts?  He should get them on the regular.  Your sweetiecakes likes silk scarves?  You send one once in a while to her office with a note that says the color reminded you of her eyes. (She may go to pieces at her desk, which is ok.)  Your snoogins wants you to jump in your NYPD uniform and play cops n’robbers and fun with cuffs?  Now THERE’S a birthday present.

Ahem.  Overshare.  Sorry.

But if you’re single, Grandmother was STILL right.  You’re best off meeting people who already know some of your friends or family.  This way they’re inclined to treat you better.  I know that keeps the pool a bit smallish, but all you need is One Right One.  And it’s more important that there are shared values and interests, because some day her perky ass will be a lot closer to her cankles, and some day his strapping shoulders may stoop a bit and he may fart in bed.

Love the one you’re with, and be careful out there, kittens.