Craigslost: Seeking a Platonic Spanking Bud

Hello kiddies. I see you’ve come back for more carnival of horrors. Apparently the JO Knifefights didn’t scare you off. (They should’ve.)

Well over the past few days I received a bunch of new Craigslost submissions from some of my favorite people in the world: Dancing Queen, BoobooKitteh, SusanBAwesome, GenderFenderBender and the inimitable Slim Pickens all sent me this week’s craziest free classified ad crap. So sit back, pour yourself a glass of leprechaun blood and admire the Hieronymous Bosch-ian tableau of nihilistic perversion and insanity that is Craigslist.

Let’s get to the fuckery! (Warning: Today’s Craigslost is very NSFW!)

sorry I wasn’t home (n. decatur/clairmont)

You left bloody hand prints on my screen and door. You also dribbled some blood on the steps and sidewalk in front of my building.Are you okay?!

  • Location: n. decatur/clairmont
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
image 0 image 1

PostingID: 2585887063

Craigslist posters are extremely caring. See, they even fret about the occupational health and safety of the axe murderer who tried to break into their apartment last night. HIDE YO KIDS, HIDE YO WIVES, HIDE YO CRAIGSLIST EMAIL ADDRESS.

Almost hit by car and thought about procreation, want to get pregnant? – m4w – 27 (Boston)

Hi! I was on travel last week and almost had a close call in a car that could have killed me. I reckon I could donate sperm to have some future offspring or have some amazing sex to a woman or couple that needs this. Maybe you have similar worries….I am 27, professional, can get any testing you want …… and yes, I am real and will want to talk about the logistics of this such as who keeps the baby……..And stats, I am 6′, 175 pounds, former college athlete, still run 20 miles a week…Thanks for Reading!

  • Location: Boston
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
image 0

PostingID: 2587491958

He wants to donate sperm but feels there should be a discussion about “who keeps the baby.” Also, what kind of FIENDISH MONSTER capitalizes “Reading” at the end of a sentence like that? He probably is the one who tried to break into that apartment.

To whomever took a dump in my flower bed last night – w4m – 25 (Downtown-ish)

No, that was not a sexual reference. Whoever you are that shit in my flowerbed, know this:
1. I believe you may have intestinal worms. You might want to get that checked out.
2. My dog saw you through the window. I thought she was barking at a pedestrian. If you think of doing that again, next time, I will let her outside and she will bite off your wiener.
3. Your used toilet paper was beside the trash can. Not in it, but beside it. I can’t tell you how pleasant that was to wake up to.
4. Guess who was forced to pull her shat-upon mystery plant out of her barely surviving flower garden?In sum, I’d like to congratulate you on being the world’s biggest douchebag.
May your internal worm farm continue to thrive.Sincerely pissed off and incredibly grossed out,Your once and never again port-a-potty gardener

  • Location: Downtown-ish
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2566565938

This ad really touches all the bases for me (does that fingertips-to-the-lips thing). First of all, I’m 99% sure there will be a new poorly-punctuated, barely literate Craigslist post up within the hour with some guy begging for a lady to meet him behind the Arby’s and let him “take a dump in yer flower garden.” And much like the bloody apartment break-in woman, this poster felt the need to recommend a medical checkup for intestinal worms. Servicey!

Need some love Came home injured…wife doesnt really show consern – m4w – 40

Just supported my wife through hard time …I fell today and she really could care less…HELP Me I need some love

  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2587609905

“I fell today” has to be the laziest goddamn rationalization for adultery I’ve ever heard. No one should be “conserned” for this dolt until he comes up with a better story than that. Something like: “I’m an Air Force fighter pilot who’s in town this week to do the fly-over before the football game Sunday, and then will be helping cut the ribbon at the opening of the new Children’s Hospital. But in between those appointments I have some free time. I’m feeling terribly lonely at my motel down by the Route 140 interchange and need your sexxxy company.”

I need a gay BFF! – w4m – 23 (Decatur)

I need a Gay BFF! I love shopping, starbucks, traveling, make up, hair, and just going out for fun. I would like a gay bff who is involved in NO DRAMA and one who is NOT 420 friendly. I don’t care how you look just be a good friend. I have lots of pictures to send, let’s get to know each other and hang out! We can meet up today for coffee or something. Please, no straight men trying to be gay so they can talk to me. I have a man, I want a BFF.

  • Location: Decatur
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2586159946

First of all, this whole trend of finding a gay man fashion accessory has got to be borderline offensive by now. But I do find myself intrigued by her warning to straight men not to “try to be a gay man just so you can get with me.” This has got to be the plot of a rom-com starring Ryan Reynolds and Katherine Heigl by now, right? Spirit Fingers? Can we get confirmation?

Seeking a conspiracy theorists wet dream – 26

1) The Gulf of Tonkin Incident never happened
2) 9/11 was an inside job
3) Al-Qaeda is a CIA contrived Frankenstein
4) Religion was made by man to control where gov’t had failed.If these things are self evident truths to you, and your a woman, than we should talk because you are the woman of my dreams.

  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2571872498

I don’t think I’m all that troubled by this post, actually. Lots of people are turned on by conspiracy theories. You’ve got Michele Bachmann, Ann Coulter and that sexy minx Ayn Rand. (Ok, please kill me now.)

If this Paultard is a virgin it MUST be due to some sort of dark plot by the Jews/Obama’s Kenyan Muslin relatives.


Perfectly sane yet semi- mad scientist here looking for a reasonably attractive woman with her own dildo willing to help me design/ build and play with a F’ing machine just for shits and giggles. If we can come up with something that works, great! It will be yours to keep but I will ask that you accomodate my needs now and then in return. I am a reasonably attractive w/m around 50 yrs old with a wealth of mechanical, fabrication and practical knowledge and the skills to build simple machines. Your pic ( at least basic G rated bod pic please) and ideas will get mine in return. ( ” I love machinery!”) in the subject line please to weed out the fakes

  • Location: Metairie
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2584442882

This is exactly like that scene in “Burn After Reading” when Clooney takes France McDormand’s character back to his house and shows her his homemade dildo chair. “I made it for a hundred bucks worth of supplies from the hardware store. Plus the cost of the dildo, of course.”

platonic spanking bud – m4m – 26 (Brooklyn, NY)

Hey Guys,

So I hesitated posting this, but after thinking about it, I figured — why not?

Sane, chill, normal dude in Brooklyn here in his 20s — haven’t really used CL except for the occasional apartment hunt, so again, a little trepidation on my part here, but I wanted to throw something out there in hopes there was another sane and normal dude out there interested. After all, I don’t think it’s the craziest post CL has ever seen.

So a while back, a buddy of mine and I had a few too many beers and in jest, he winded up spanking me. Not in a sexual way, but in a platonic and serious fashion. It lasted maybe 20-25 minutes, we resumed drinking and watching TV and it was chill. I gotta say, I would be interested in something like that again.

Definitely not a S&M guy and definitely not looking for any type of sexual experience – as in no getting off, no sexual vibe, nothing like that. I am looking for a buddy who would be down for having a few drinks, shooting the shit, watching TV and then eventually, putting me over his lap and spanking my ass till it’s pretty red.

Not really interested in anything else — i.e. spanking you or anything like that. But a dude I can chill with, be comfortable with and have this experience with would be great. That is, if he understands it’s totally platonic and meant to be fun.

Hit me back with info about yourself if interested. Would prefer chill, straight guys so there’s no sexual tension, but if you’re gay and understand the platonic thing, that’s cool, too. Would love to meet up this weekend and touch base. Thumbs up? 🙂

Peace, dudes.

  • Location: Brooklyn, NY
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

You have no idea how sad it makes me that we didn’t find this one earlier for the JO Knifefight edition of Craigslost. But I’m starting to wonder if this whole “I’m totally not gay but want to do the gayest things possible with other guys, in a completely non-gay way” thing is the internet’s newest meme. Because it should be.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *