One year when we were kids, my dad decided to mess with my brother and I in a way not unlike that Jimmy Kimmel video that has been making the rounds this week. He brought out a huge wrapped-up gift and stuck it under the tree. After every other gift had been opened, my brother and I tore the wrapping paper off and there it was — an entire pig’s head from a butcher shop. He thought this was hilarious… and YouTube hadn’t even been invented yet.
So Christmas brings out the crazy side in all of us and nowhere is that more evident than at the Shopping Mall of Perversion that is Craigslist. When Slim Pickens and I first kicked around the idea of a Christmas-themed Craigslost we honestly didn’t think we’d find nearly enough demented assholery and Freudian dysfunction for an entire post. Boy were we wrong. (Slim: Never before have I been so glad that I was wrong. I think.)
Let’s get to the fuckery! (Warning: Craigslost is NSFW.)
Click the screen shots to see them enlarged.
Bots: Santa is a gay hipster from Williamsburg. That’s how I always pictured him!
Slim: But how does he fit into those American Apparel t-shirts if all he does is eat milk and cookies?
Bots: Master Cleanse, probably.
Bots: Hark! I shall be properly be properly engorged, madame. For what layeth betwixt your legs!
Slim: Sounds like someone’s got blue balls, and I ain’t talkin’ Lala’s ornaments.
Bots: The conpicuously upper-cased T in the middle of ChrisTmas is really bothering me.
Slim: I love that he tries to frame it like he’s doing you a favor. It’s so matter-of-fact. “Why yes, I do let random strangers debase me quite regularly. I find it helps their healing as much as mine.”
Bots: Do the mutant sewer-people have internet access now? Because I honestly think even G.G. Allin would read this shit and be all “Man, that’s going way too far!” I also love how he says he “won’t complain.” When I drag the gimp out of his basement cage so I can hock a mucus ball in his eye, he better not give me any back talk!
Slim: At least G.G. got paid to do that shit on stage. This guy will pay you! There are worse ways to make some last-minute Christmas cash, I guess.
Gentle and Caring seeks Virgin Woman – 37 (Mesa)
Date: 2011-12-16, 4:25PM MST
Reply to:
Reply To This PostI am very nice-looking, muscular, intelligent and educated. I am gentle, caring and romantic. I am also wealthy. I use NO Drugs and have NO Diseases. I seek an Attractive and Fit Virgin 18 to 25 years old. If you are almost 18 and I like you, I will wait until you turn 18. You do Not need a Hymen. Many virgins break theirs accidentally. Email me and put your first name in the subject line. Send Face and Body Pics and I will email you back. This is a Golden opportunity for One woman only. I am very experienced in making your first sexual encounter the most amazing event in your life. I plan on having a long-term relationship with you after that. I am NOT looking for a fling.
Location: Mesa
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2752727098
Bots: For all you Crasstalk fellas who wonder why the ladies resort to calling you creepy, just remember that they’ve probably experienced at least one version of this guy at some point in their lives.
Slim: Jesus, Bots. You’re really terrible at keeping a secret.
ur christmas party – m4mm – 39
Date: 2011-12-13, 2:14PM EST
Reply to:
2 openings left…..r u throwing a christmas party and need a guy to suck off ur guests? friendly and fun….open to gloryholes/dark rooms
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2751289864
Slim: I’ve always thought the perfect CL ad should be short, sweet and to the point, just like any visit to your favorite gloryhole.
Bots: I genuinely don’t want to know about his “two openings left.” I’m going to pretend he means he just has a very busy schedule this holiday season. Yeah that makes sense.
Slim: I noticed that, too. I’d like to think he reads Craiglost and purposefully said “two openings left” just to inject even more humor into it. Hi, Mr. Gloryhole Guy!
Bots: This is blasphemy, sir! You’re supposed to spit in your man-whore’s face before giving out that “ez Hannukah cash.”
Slim: Look, spitting costs extra and he’s gotta spread that ez gelt out over eight nights. Getting some random strange to lube him up with that special Hanukkah oil is expensive!
Slim: Remember poor, pathetic “Kenneth” from our last post? I think we’ve found his Jewish uncle.
Bots: It “really bothers” him that there are so many disgusting scumbags on Craigslist. It’s so adorable when the woefully naive wander into the digital bukkake wasteland of Craigslist looking for genuine love. I enjoy these posts so much.
Slim: And by “cute, college-educated male” he means, “hulking, mouth-breathing creepy dude with a receding hairline and a ponytail.”
Bots: “… if this scenario appeals to you.” Yes, being stalked by a random serial killer in a discount store is every woman’s fantasy.
Slim: It’s my second favorite fantasy, right after being chased down a dark alley with no shoes on.
Bots: What a coincidence, Slim. That’s also my favorite thing.
Hello girls – 30 (downtwn)
Date: 2011-12-13, 8:33PM CST
Reply to:Hello girls i am 30 years old and i am looking for girl to spent time with (not more than 30 years) , good looking , white ( i am not racist ) but i prefer to be white and talkative , lovely …… i am 6 feet tall and i have a job also studying to get my licence as a doctor …. plz send your photos and brief description about youplease be reali think we r gonna have great time in Christmas………….
- Location: downtwn
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2752075529
Bots: Well he’s probably a horrible racist, but at least he’s really, really hairy! Ladies…
Slim: Heeeeee’s dreeeeeaming of a whiiiiiiiite chriiiistmaaaas! Just liiiike the ones he’s arranged through Craigslist befoooore…
All I want for Christmas – two hot college girls – m4ww – 46 (N Raleigh)
Date: 2011-12-14, 10:23AM EST
Reply to:
So the holidays are upon us and after one hell of a year I decided this year would be all about me! So all I want for Christmas is two hot college girls. Any man with a pulse wants to be with two women at least once in his life. You girls are out every weekend partying and doing things you will want to forget anyway so why don’t you and your friend come here instead. You might be surprised with an older man too. Your friends will not know unless you tell them either.
I am Caucasian, 5’8″, 195lbs, average build, fit, clean and nice looking. I am easy going and have a great sense of humor too. I love to pleasure women and I am open to everything – no hang-ups here. I can host as well in N Raleigh. If you are interested reply with 2HOT in the subject and tell me a little about you and your friend. Include a picture if you have one. Looking to do this one day or evening in the next few days. For those curious and shy types – don’t be shy this will be fun for all.
- Location: N Raleigh
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 275260858
Bots: I call this the Field of Dreams tactic. (“If you build it they will cum.”) It’s where you post the best fantasy you can come up with as if it had a snowball’s chance in Florida of becoming reality.
Slim: His attempts at reassurance are what make it even more horrible. My friends aren’t going to know about our rendezvous because I’m going to hog-tied in the back of an abandoned ice cream truck.
What is it with dudes who are 5’8″? That’s not, “I’m so short my only hope is Craigslist” short. Or is it? I wouldn’t know, I don’t date short dudes.
Bots: 5’8″ on Cragslist is like 5’4″ in the real world. Also, heightism is the new racism, Slim.
Someone to spend X-Mas and Life with? (Hapeville)
Date: 2011-12-10, 8:42PM EST
Reply to:
It is difficult knowing that the holidays are right around the corner and I will be alone. Dreading the Christmas holiday. There will be no presents under my tree and no adult present to throw there arms around me. What I would give to have a partner, lover, and best friend throw their arms around me. I would love to have someone to shop for during the busy holiday season. I would love NOT TO FEEL SO ALONE! I would love to wake up to one another and know that we truly enjoy each others company. We enjoy beginning a new relationship and that we are excited to be bringing in a New Year together. Yes, I have placed many ads! So for those of you that have seen them and passed them by or responded with a MEAN/UNKIND word. Please continue to look the other way. Sometimes it takes time to find the right one. The one that not only says they love you. But also knows how to express their love towards you through MEANINGFUL, GENUINE and ROMANTIC (not sexual) ACTIONS! If there is one saying that resonates with sentiments of truth, it is, “ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS”! If only there were a sweet STUD out there who wants longevity. A STUD who understands that everyone’s looks will soon fade. A Stud who is able to think for themselves and not allow their thoughts and decisions to be dominated by outside parties. I know there has to be someone? I am a very good person. I, like everyone else have many flaws and my moods do resemble the bumpiest roller coaster. However, I long for something I have never experienced and that is to be loved by someone who understands that relationships take work. Someone who will not turn their back on me under any circumstances. Someone who loves me if my hair is back in a ponytail or down (at least it’s real). Someone who may respond and then see me in person and think I look nothing like my picture. Someone who loves animals, children, Journey, Foreigner, Chicago, Doobie Brothers, Whitney Houston, Peobo Bryson, Kenny Loggins, Kenny Rogers, Kenny G, Brian Culbertson, Mariah Carey, WHAM, Boy George, Sinead O’Conner, Adele, Maroon 5, James Ingram, etc. Someone who enjoys relaxing at Bookstores, going to Museums, plays, Calloway Gradens to see the Christmas Light Display, volunteering at Animal Shelters/DV Shelters/etc. I am seeking someone who is more introverted than extroverted, like myself. Someone who is not afraid to express their emotions and understands the meaning and importance of conversation. Someone who is trustworthy. MUST BE A NON-SMOKER. MUST HAVE NO GOLD TEETH, CHAINS, etc. Someone whose diction I do not have to decipher. YOU MUST BE AT LEAST 35-50 years of age. Please do not write to me telling me you hope that the right person comes along for me (I hope so too)! Please do not write to me saying that you know you are not the minimum age I specified! No nasty words either! MUST INCLUDE A PHOTO WITH YOUR RESPONSE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you and Happy Holidays. Remember STUDS and Very Aggressive Femmes ONLY! Must be intelligent and classy. Not arrogant and self-centered! YOU MUST INCLUDE A PHOTO! ONLY SERIOUS RESPONSES PLEASE!
- Location: Hapeville
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Bots: I love how she’s all “I want someone who loves children and animals and Journey and Foreigner.” Lady, you’re as cold as ice. You’re willing to sacrifice our love.
Slim: She only wants someone make it feel like the first time. Someone to wake her up before they go-go.
Bots: Please stab my eardrums out.
Slim: Uh, I don’t think Santa needs to write back, dude. I think he knows exactly what you want.
Bots: OK, Santa. First we find out you’re a gay hipster kid from Brooklyn. Now you seem to be into peeing on women. I don’t know what to think anymore.
Holiday Girlfriend – 23 (Buckhead)
Date: 2011-12-06, 12:11AM EST
Reply to:
Let me be clear. I want a girlfriend. But, I don’t really want a girlfriend.I just want one for the holidays, Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa and everything people celebrate now.
The holidays suck, especially for us single people. All of your coupled friends are going to be doing couple things: snuggling by the fire, going to dinner at each others’ parents houses, and holiday parties every other night.
Let’s recognize one thing, you didn’t win the Summer Boyfriend Sweepstakes of 2011, unfortunate, I know… but there is alway next year.
Let’s recognize another thing. Deep down inside, you don’t want to be alone for the holidays, who does. You want someone to do all of those cute snuggly things with, someone to get fat and keep warm next to and someone to accompany you to your friends’ couple(y) holiday parties so they don’t keep thinking you’re a loser destined for permanent solo status, which you aren’t.
But, you’ve spent all year working on your career, finishing school and getting drunk and haven’t had the time or inclination to track down and capture a boyfriend, or he just isn’t that into you. . . yet. And even if you did, you’re not really sure you’d want to keep him after the holidays are over, anyways. We’re only good for so much, gifts, an affable attempt at getting laid, only come a few times a year.
The solution:
Be my girlfriend for the holidays. And only for the holidays.How it works:
You reply with a picture and a brief bio, 250 word max. If it seems like a good fit we’ll set up a casual mini-date (coffee, beer, or whatever). If that’s a success and we’re both feeling it, we’ll date until 11:59PM (Eastern Time, of course), January 2nd, 2012. After that we can still be friends (unless we hate each other, then we can downshift to the occasional drunken booty call, or permanently block each other on Facebook)The benefits:
• You have someone to keep you company on these cold Atlanta nights. Did I mention I’m an excellent cuddler? (I have references)
• I like to cook. Especially for others. Nothing too fancy, but always tasty and satisfying. As long as you’re hungry, you win.
• The holidays are the best time for a mixologist to be around, liquored up hot chocolate, homemade eggnog, and cinnamon flavored mixed drinks are my specialty.
• Who doesn’t love Mariah Carey this time of year, besides Nick Cannon; great because I have her CD
• Love taking photos? Sweet. Let’s wear gaudy holiday attire and make ridiculous Xmas postcards, to be sent to the Ex and anyone else you want to show off your flashy tastes too. My vintage clothing collection is full of tacky sweaters just waiting to be shown off.
• Worried about finding someone to kiss on New Year’s Eve who doesn’t look (or sound) like Sloth’s cousin? Boom! Got you covered like Santa on Christmas, everyone gets a gift.About Me:
23 years old, financial professional, active, outgoing, easy on the eyesInterested? Then send your pic and bio and lets get this rolin.
- Location: Buckhead
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2729325835
Slim: I’m pretty sure this is the exact CL ad Patrick Bateman uses to lure his prey in.
Bots: He asks “Who doesn’t love Mariah Carey?” What’s with the nutjobs and their hideously specific musical taste? Also if he were really Patrick Bateman he would have mentioned his fondness for Huey Lewis & The News (and how “Hip to be Square is about the pleasures of conformity”). So obviously, Slim, he couldn’t possibly be a deranged serial killer.
Slim: Yes he is, Bots! He wants to keep me warm on those, “cold Atlanta nights.” Only someone with no heart and an unquenchable bloodlust would think Atlanta was cold. Pass!
Bots: It’s not cold in Atlanta. But it is So Cold in the D. (You can thank me now for having this song stuck in your head for the next two weeks.)
