Humor

240 posts

GOP Debate Recap: The Clown Show Goes to Jacksonville

Newt Gingrich enjoys campaigning in North Florida.

The candidates met in Jacksonville, Florida’s most charmless city, to once again argue about who is least unlikeable. Gingrich is hoping to build on the momentum from South Carolina, where he was less despised than Romney. Romney wants to score some sort death-blow on the loathsome space-beast who stands between him and the nomination that is RIGHTFULLY HIS. Poor morose sweater-fetishist Dick Santorum want to recapture the glory days of Iowa, when HE was popular. Santorum is tired of being the Jan to Romney’s Marcia, and now, to make matters worse, Newt Gingrich is suddenly…Greg, or Davy Jones, or something. It’s not fair. He doesn’t want to blow this thing, and have his damned kids start blubbering, and have his wife give him THAT LOOK. He can’t stand it. Screw you, Romney! SCREW YOU! And the neither-living-nor-dead specter that stoner-hobos and Burning Man-enthusiasts call Ron Paul? He is here because he must be. He is not motivated by the gross lusts of Gingrich or the passionate anger of Santorum, for passion is a trait of the young, and Ron Paul is old, so very old. The gold, the lost gold of Osiris drives him, and his soul aches with an emptiness you cannot imagine. Continue reading →

GOP Debate Recap: The Clown Show Goes to Tampa

The disgraced former House Speaker campaigns in Florida.

The unending horror that is Campaign 2012 lurches now into Florida, with loathsome space-criminal Newton Leroy Gingrich more-or-less the front runner again after savagely defragging hapless software glitch Willard “10k” Romney in South Carolina. Sweater-fetishist and reproductive-sex enthusiast Dick Santorum is hoping to catch up with the disgraced former House Speaker here in the wretched peninsula where all those Spanish conquistadores got malaria. Romney is just hoping not to get embarrassed again. Ron Paul left hope behind in the sands of his homeland, millennia ago, and he comes here because he cannot stop, until the temple gold is recovered, and his curse is lifted, and dread Horus calls him home.  Monday night, the candidates met in Tampa, near the spot where Hernando de Soto introduced the Calusa people to smallpox, for yet another one of their endless debates. Won’t these people ever shut up? The short answer, of course, is no. Continue reading →

South Carolina has Spoken!

Except that no one liked him, everything was going so well for Romney. Until South Carolina.

Mighty South Carolina has spoken!  The filth encrusted pig men of Iowa chose Romney Santorum! The flinty maple miners of New Hampshire chose Romney! Now, the salt-encrusted shimp-herds of South Carolina get to close the deal and pick the real nominee, Willard “Inevitable” Romney! Oh, hell, they picked loathsome space-creature Newton Leroy Gingrich. This screws up everything. South Carolina basically fell on the floor and started jabbering like Rick Moranis in “Ghostbusters.”
The GOP campaign traditionally starts with Iowa’s Over-Pig rising from a hog-farm shit-lagoon and anointing a candidate with his corn-scepter. This year, the squealing pig men dumped the traditional waste-encrusted Gatorade cooler full of victory ethanol over the head of Willard “10k” Romney, who won by only eight pig-votes. Continue reading →

Brian Williams and Gawker Media Confab on Lana Del Rey, Weekend Coverage, and Email Etiquette?

We can all pretty much agree that Brian Williams is probably the most farking awesome newscaster ever in life. Not only is he cut from the anchorman wool that dates back to the beginning of television time, but he’s also a jokester, a prankster, and a quick-witted smart guy who’s just as adept discussing the current events of the day as he is sitting on a couch trading barbs with Jon Stewart. So it’s not a huge surprise that he’s a fan of Gawker.com.

That being said, when Brian wants to offer a little constructive criticism, be prepared for things to get hilarious. Continue reading →

Obnoxious People of the Day: Story Toppers

We all know a story topper. If you have a bad cold, she will tell you about the time she had pneumonia. If you had an argument with a co-worker, he will talk about how a disagreement at work came to blows. If you are talking about your trip to Florida, he will comment about how much better Tahiti is. Ugh. These people are insufferable. This personal flaw is probably the result of some sort of deep-seated insecurity or a desire to connect with another person but  one up them in the process. Most of the time, these individuals aren’t even aware that they are doing it.

Continue reading →

New Hampshire has Spoken!

Mighty New Hampshire has spoken!  Every four years, a week or so after the ethanol-addled pig-men of Iowa go into their foul, waste-strewn pens (or “caucuses,”) and choose an Over-Pig to represent them at the presidential conventions, the flinty maple-miners of New Hampshire meet in their ice-caves and maple-warrens to have their say.

Willard “10k” Romney and sweater fetishist Dick Santorum had humiliated the rest of the pack in the bleak hog farms and shit-lagoons of Iowa. Michelle Bachmann had been abandoned in the snow and left to perish in the wolf-infested barrens. The rest limped or slithered to New Hampshire, burning with humiliation and a desire for revenge (except for the undead 3000-year-old wraith stoners call Ron Paul, who is beyond petty human emotions like humiliation). Continue reading →