Like many young Americans, most of what I learned about Canadian pop culture came from an extraordinarily uneven combination of Anne of Green Gables books and watching Degrassi: The Next Generation.
I watched D:TNG on The N for most of middle and high school, and came away with the belief that most people in Canada were extremely slutty aspiring pop musicians who got “social diseases” and eventually moved away to star in shows on The CW (or show their boobs in terrible Lifetime Network movies. NSFW.)
Maine has spoken! Across the lobster-ravaged wastes of frozen Maine, residents donned their colorful voting costumes and emerged from their moose-fur yurts to vote in the Republican caucus. Unlikeable Massachusetts protocol droid Willard “10K” Romney eked out a narrow win over accursed 3000-year-old gold-wraith Ron Paul for the fickle loyalty of the crustacean-worshipping Maineacs. Hobo-busker “Shoeless Dick” Santorum, fresh off his triple victories in Missouri, Minnesota, and Colorado, came in third. Grumpy and irrelevant space-beast Newton Leroy Gingrich came in fourth. Continue reading →
This campaign season is ridiculous. If it was a movie you would be annoyed at how many times Gingrich and Santorum keep showing up even after their story-lines are exhausted, and how crappy Romney’s dialogue is. No actor could utter “Corporations are people, my friend” and not sound like an idiot. Well, Bruce Campbell maybe. And look at Ron Paul. Why is he even still here? On the other hand, there are some entertaining moments. If you pretend its 1980, and you are watching a science fiction movie about 2012, it’s kind of cool. Everybody has phones without wires! Candidates argue about moon colonies! Lando Calrissian is president! Let’s look at some ridiculous pictures! Continue reading →
Santorum and campaign advisor J.P. "Stinky Pete" Johnson claim victory in Colorado.
Colorado has spoken! Oh, and so has Minnesota. Missouri also had a thing, but it’s meaningless yet important. A threefer! So, the Republican race so far — sweater-fetishist Dick Santorum won the near-worthless support of the foul pig-men of Iowa, Massachusetts fancy-lad man-bot Willard “10k” Romney won over the skeptical maple-miners of New Hampshire, loathsome space-beast Newton Leroy Gingrich bamboozled the bog-people and shrimp-herders of South Carolina, and the Massachusetts man-bot broke the tie by winning over the addled elders, ex-pat New Yorkers, and suspicious mer-people of Florida. Continue reading →
Have you ever wondered how the average moron uses Facebook? I always have. Then I found the answer — a Facebook Page with a name that only an illiterate teenage baby mama could have come up with: Gr8 ppl, Gr8 thoughts. Continue reading →
Florida has spoken! Stupid, stupid Florida. The relentless Republican nomination process grinds on. First, the pig men of Iowa listlessly anointed Dick Santorum with the manure-encrusted sweater of victory. Then the flinty maple miners of New Hampshire chose Willard “10k” Romney to wear the sticky-but-coveted Maple Crown. Repulsive space-monster Newton Leroy Gingrich topped them both, though, winning the allegiance of South Carolina’s shrimp-herds and skin-clad hill people. Three contests, three different winners. Enough of these ridiculous micro-states. Now it was up to Florida–goofy, electorally incompetent Florida–to make some sense of the increasingly absurd Republican nomination contest. The disgraced former House Speaker hoped to capitalize on his victory in the swamps of South Carolina, and lay a final beat-down on shiny, gold-plated, employee-firing-enthusiast Willard “10k” Romney. Romney, in turn, hoped to finally crush the last of the upstarts who dared question his claim on the nomination. Santorum was there to–hell, who knows. Escape the glum Pennsylvania winters, I suppose. Undead specter Ron Paul gave up on the state entirely a few days before the primary and went to the wintery wastes of Maine to troll amongst the lobster-hunters and potato-gatherers for votes in their upcoming caucus. Continue reading →
