Eric Holder stunned the political world–or at least people who didn’t hear him last year say that he would leave this year–when he resigned Thursday. In a moving, tearful resignation speech, Holder thanked Obama, called Texas congressman Louie Gohmert an asshole, and announced he was leaving the law and returning to his first love: musical theater. Variety reports that Holder is in talks to play Det. Harris in the Broadway musical production of Barney Miller. President Obama wept openly, because he, too, loves Barney Miller so very much.
So now, Eric Holder belongs to the ages. Let’s look back at attorneys general throughout history, and see how Eric Holder stacks up.
How will Eric Holder’s term as attorney general be judged? Was he any good at lawyerin’? Hell, I don’t know. I’m not a lawyer. One thing I do know, though: Eric Holder has a sweet mustache but he’s never killed a bear. Historically, Attorneys General are typically judged on four basic criteria: Facial hair, number of bears killed during their tenure, whether they’ve killed a man with their bare hands, whiteness, and of course, physical beauty.
Facial Hair
Eric Holder has a luscious mustache. Holder’s mustache was in fact the first attorney general mustache in 95 years, and while it’s pretty good by modern standards, it pales in comparison to attorney general mustaches of the past. The most magnificently mustachioed attorney general was, of course, George W. “Mustache Bill” Wickersham, the attorney general of corpulent man-beast William Howard Taft. The fake mustache Robert Kennedy wore when picking up hookers in Georgetown was modeled after Wickersham’s. The nicest beard, at least in terms of beard/mustache harmony and volume, belonged to Charles Devens, attorney general under Rutherford B. Hayes. Historians generally agree that the Hayes administration was the hairiest in history. While Holder was not as hairy as a 70s porn star or a Rutherford B. Hayes cabinet member, he still deserves credit for the best attempt at attorney general facial hair in nearly a century.
Number of Bears Killed
If the Washington Post is to be believed, Eric Holder has never killed a bear.
The first six attorneys general all killed bears while in office, and indeed, protecting the President from bear attacks was long thought to be one of the unofficial duties of the attorney general, before the formation of the Secret Service in 1865. Thomas Jefferson’s attorney general Levi “Griz” Lincoln reportedly killed a record eleven bears in 1804. This streak of attorney general-on-bear violence ended during the tenure of William “Albino Bill” Pinckney, an effete dandy who did not like to go outside. “Albino Bill” Pinckney resigned in 1814 to start a perfumed-soap business. After “Albino Bill,” bear killing became more sporadic. The last attorney general to kill a bear while on duty was Ebeneezer “Fighting Eb” Hoar in 1870, though Robert Kennedy did occasionally wrestle bears avocationally. Robert Bork drank the blood of bears during the Nixon administration, though merely to enthrall the bears as part of his beastly undead army, not to kill them. While touring the Great Smokies, Janet Reno punched a bear, though not fatally.
Physical Beauty
Presidents prize physical beauty in their appointees no less than bear-killing prowess. Except for Zachary Taylor. Everyone he appointed was hideous.
Perhaps the pinnacle of attorney general beauty was reached with John “Saucy Jack” Nelson in the 1840s. Harper’s Weekly wrote that “Nelson’s luxuriant Whiskers and elegant Frock Coats make all the good Ladies of our Capitol ensorceled with his Manly charms.” Holder is ok, but he doesn’t have Saucy Jack’s luxuriant head of hair. On the other hand, Holder isn’t a repulsive man pig like Zachary Taylor’s AG, Reverdy Johnson.
Whiteness
Eric Holder is the 82-whitest attorney general, dead-last in this category.
Eric Holder was the first black attorney general, if you don’t count Jeremiah Black, a pasty white guy appointed by James Buchanan. The whitest attorney general was William “Albino Bill” Pinckney, who served in the Madison administration. Historian Amos Jackson argued in “Vampire in the Whitehouse” that Pinckney was actually a vampire, a view popularized in the 1967 Anthony Zerbe film “Blood Curse of Georgetown.” Most vampirologists and attorneys are reasonably certain that Eric Holder is not a vampire, however. Only history will tell. The only modern attorney general who was pretty clearly a vampire was Robert Bork, acting attorney general in the grim twilight of Nixon’s accursed administration. Nixon was the first president to appoint a cabinet composed entirely of monsters. Not even thrice-damned Franklin Pierce tried that. Anyway, Holder wasn’t white.
Men Killed With Bare Hands
Again, the dubiously-reliable Washington Post suggests that Eric Holder has never killed a man with his bare hands. Louis Gohmert is currently holding hearings on this issue.
Eric Holder picture from here. Other Attorney General pictures from Wikipedia.
