Daily Archives: June 30, 2011

13 posts

NBA Owners Lock Out Players, Life Loses All Importance

In a stunning turn of events that shocked no one besides viruses because they are not living organisms and aren’t concerned with such matters, the NBA owners and players union could not come to a new agreement before the deadline today. The players are now locked out and a long summer of uncertainty and rumors and arguments between millionaires and even bigger millionaires await.

Unlike the NFL and their labor crisis, the NBA is not a league in great shape where the biggest problem is how to divvy up the billions of dollars in profits. Coming off a record season in terms of TV ratings and overall fan interest, the thirty owners lost a collective $300 million this year. According to commissioner David Stern the league has lost money in every year of the latest collective bargaining agreement. The league had to purchase the New Orleans Hornets so they wouldn’t be moved. Make no mistake, while LeBron James and his crew of flunkies ignited one of the most exciting seasons in recent memory the league is in trouble. The majority of small market teams seem completely inept at competing in an unbalanced market while the Lakers and Mavericks seemingly run through any speed bump by throwing a barrel of cash at it. Continue reading →

A Year’s Worth of Makeup in One Day

Ever wondered what it would be like if you put a year’s worth of makeup on in one day? No? Well, whatever, this site wants to show you. For some odd reason the Nowness website (Get it? Things that are happening immediately hence the ness attached to now. Yes, we believe this is a “Fetch” situation) thinks that you should be in awe of what they can do with seven bottles of foundation and a myriad other things they list here.

Take a gander. Continue reading →

SYTYCD Recap: Kisses, Buckness, and other Silly Things

Well, this latest installment was exhausting AND full of sexual harassment. What has gotten into these people? There were wanton kisses and buckness sightings–a real circus. We’d like to never see Nigel and Mary making out again. No, not ever. That was awful. Aside from all the tongue swabbing, there’s a lot of dancing to discuss.

Let’s get to it. Continue reading →

The New York Times Would Like You To Know That Bernie Madoff is a Mexican Party Favor

Each day, we open up our digital copy of The New York Times and absurdly mock it (and ourselves) for its insanity. Today we learn that Bernie Madoff is a piñata.

Bernard “Oopsie!” Madoff has 148 years left in his white collar prison for his white collar crime, but you know what? He’s been jilted! Jilted! By who? By the bloodthirsty mobs who think what he did was bad. He didn’t murder anyone for chrissakes, he just had a bad week accounting wise.  Haven’t we all been in the same situation? No? No one here ever lost a small nation’s GDP (the Dominican Republic to be precise) before? Whoa. You must be saints. Someone call the Vatican. Continue reading →

Be More Awesome: Volunteer

Some of the most illustrious, talented people to grace this earth have walked the halls of Northwestern University: Dick Gephardt, the drummer from Arcade Fire, the girl from Father of the Bride and Father of the Bride II: Martin Short Is a Crazy Foreign Gay Man!, me.  But perhaps my most important and influential fellow alumnus is none other than Stephen Colbert.  Colbert returned to campus a few weeks ago to give the university’s commencement speech. Continue reading →

QOTD: Celebrity Breakups

Ugh, celebrities and their fauxlationships. Whether it’s Britney Spears and her 55-hour foray into matrimony or Hef and his grotto of sassy silicon-sporters, there’s nothing more obnoxiously predictable than when a celebrity couple falls apart.

Except when it’s not so predictable. Except when, for some reason, you thought they’d be the couple to make it. Except when you kind of think they still will, because don’t they just seem like soulmates, even after their twentieth public knock-down drag-out fight?

And so, today’s QOTD: Which celebrity breakup actually shocked and/or disappointed you? Or, alternatively, Which couple do you secretly think are destined to end up together forever? Continue reading →

Kentucky Fried Food Stamps?

Do you know what four things I never thought would go together? KFC, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut and Food Stamps. Somehow, I thought that when it came right down to what offerings we’d give to the poorest among us, fast food items just wouldn’t be on that list. Apparently I’d be wrong — so very wrong since Yum! Brands, the parent company of KFC, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut, is lobbying to allow their restaurants in Kentucky, America’s seventh most overweight state, to accept food stamps. Continue reading →

New York Ruined Every Other City in America For Me

For those of you who know me, you know that I have done a good deal of living, working, and studying abroad. In fact, I’ve spent almost two years of my life outside of the States. But every time I travel domestically, it becomes painfully obvious that New York has ruined the every other city in America for me. It’s not hard to see why Paris or West Africa or South India cannot be realistically compared to New York – those cities are different worlds, and as the old saying goes, “I want a damn apple, why did you give me an orange?” Well, it’s something like that. It is also not hard to separate New York from American suburbia, where the vast majority of people think it’s bizarre to use one’s own feet as a means of transportation. What is hard, I’ve discovered, is figuring out how to not apply the New York standard to any other urban metropolis in the 50 US states (and maybe Canada).
Continue reading →