All right kids, I’m back. I hope you were good in my absence and I expect your full cooperation today (I am looking at you Buick). Anyway, I hope you are all ready for a great week. Let’s get you going.
Yeah, that’s how it’s gonna be.
Daily Archives: April 18, 2011
13 posts
Well, it finally happened. Considering the slew of broken promises that George R. R. Martin fans had dealt with in the last few years, and the general awfulness of on-screen adaptations of fantasy novels, few of us had held out much hope when he first announced tentative plans for a pilot episode to be possibly picked up by HBO. But as the date drew near and the unprecedented marketing blitz of subway posters, food trucks serving medieval fare, and the Iron Throne itself being wheeled around the city, it started to dawn on me: this is really going to be a Thing.
With that, I give you my reaction to the premiere: HBO’s Game of Thrones is an ambitious yet faithful adaptation of what is perhaps the best-written and most genre-transcending example of fantasy fiction, boasting pitch-perfect casting and a masterful use of dramatic tension that– BOOBIES!!! I SEE BOOBIES!!!
*Ahem* sorry about that. As I was saying, the casting is so spot-on that it’s almost frightening. While usually everyone has their own ideas about what characters in books should look like, Martin’s descriptions are so detailed leave little room for interpretation. Furthermore, many fans’ preconceptions were colored by the amazing series of character portraits by Amok, which gained semi-official status when they were linked to by every major ASOIAF fan site. There were some minor quibbles on my part – Sansa and Cersei were not quite as striking as the books described and Theon Greyjoy looked far too old – but overall, my expectations were exceeded.
As for other similarities to the source material, the series is faithful without being slavish. I was a little disappointed at the cutting of the prologue. In the book, Ser Waymar Royce, the bossy and arrogant leader of the expedition, is given a bit of character redemption as he bravely faces and duels the white walker before meeting his inevitable end. Further on, all fans were pleased by the inclusion of Ned’s famous dictum: “The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword.” But the continuation that was left out was equally classic: “If you would take a man’s life you owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. And if you cannot bear that, perhaps he does not deserve to die.” Finally, to touch on an uncomfortable subject, the last scene with Daenarys and Khal Drogo was far closer to rape than in the book. On the one hand, this is a more realistic and frank representation, considering the circumstances of her forced marriage. On the other, it’s the result of the series having so far skipped over her gradual internal transformation as she grows to love the Khal and accept her place among the Dothraki.
Having watched the premiere with three friends who had not read the books and had little interest in fantasy, seeing them become immersed in the world of Westeros was almost as pleasing as the show itself. And while I was afraid of being “that guy”, I found that they actually appreciated my occasional brief explanations of who was who and what was what, as they found it hard to pick up the many names being thrown at them. Thus I leave you with this handy guide I made for them so they weren’t tempted to go to Wikipedia and stumble upon awful spoilers. Print this out for future viewings and thank me later.
The world:
- The seven kingdoms are on one huge continent called Westeros. They take up most of the continent, except whatever is north of the Wall. There is another larger continent to the east “across the narrow sea” which is where the exiled girl and her brother are.
- The Wall is the northern border, guarded by the Night’s Watch. Beyond it there are outlaws known as wildlings, and other things unknown.
- Seasons last for years. Right now it has been an unusually long and prosperous summer, but as Ned says, “Winter is coming”.
- The seven kingdoms are ruled by one king from the capital city of King’s Landing, and each individual kingdom has its own Lord. They each have their own culture and were independent in the past, so the strength of the union depends mainly on the strength of the king.
The main characters:
Sean Bean is Eddard “Ned” Stark. His wife is Catelyn Stark (nee Tully) The children, from oldest to youngest are:
- Robb: Red-haired bloke, oldest legitimate son.
- Jon Snow: Ned’s bastard son, same age as Robb.
- Theon Greyjoy: the asshole who wanted to kill the wolf pups and acts like a dick to Jon snow. Not Ned’s son but a ward of the Starks – taken as a permanent hostage from a family defeated in an unsuccessful uprising, and raised along with the Stark children.
- Sansa: The boy-crazy airhead girly-girl.
- Bran: The kid who likes to climb.
- Arya: The tomboyish troublemaker.
- Rickon (may not have shown up yet): The youngest child at three years old.
-Lyanna Stark is Ned’s dead sister that King Robert had been engaged to.
-Benjen Stark is Ned’s younger brother who serves in the Night’s Watch at the Wall.
-Lysa Arryn (nee Tully) is Catelyn’s sister who had been married to the late Jon Arryn.
The king is Robert Baratheon. His wife is Cersei Lannister. Jaime is her twin brother, Tyrion the dwarf is their younger brother. Tywin Lannister (who hasn’t shown up yet) is their father. Joffrey is the prince and oldest child. There are also two younger children: Tommen and Myrcella. King Robert also has an older brother named Stannis and a younger one named Renly.
The two exiled royal children are Viserys and Daenarys Targaryen. Their father was King Aegon Targaryen II, overthrown by Robert and Ned over a decade ago. Khal Drogo is the horselord Daenarys marries.
That should be all. See you next week!
You remember Radio, don’t you?
Radio was that nifty gadget that broadcast news, entertainment, and music wherever you went. You listened to it in the kitchen while getting ready for work in the morning, and in the car while commuting. Radio was around for a long time. It documented the battles of World War II for the living rooms of America, bringing, for the first time, the horrors of war to the parents of the kids over there fighting as it was happening. That was astonishing. It had never been done.
Radio went on to bring us life as it happened. My generation was probably the last to gather round the on speakers on snowy mornings, cheering like mad when our school was declared canceled. We listened on election nights, to hear who was in or out in our town, too small for the big city media to care about. We listened to local talk shows during the day, to debate why our tax dollars were being used for this, instead of that. We listened on our commutes, to see if we should take I-93 or Route 128 to get to where we were going. It was a community.
Then Radio got greedy. It lobbied the government to get rid of the ownership rules, so a handful of companies could control all the stations in America. Then those companies tried to squeeze more profits out of stations, replacing local talk shows with syndicated shows like Rush Limbaugh. That made money. So then the companies pruned the newsrooms, arranging for two or three anchors to handle the news on multiple stations. There was no budget for street reporting. After a while, the conglomerates asked — why bother with local at all? Handing over those top of the hour newscasts to the national networks. As for music — well, that could be cheaped down, too. DJs were canned, and replaced with automation systems. What played on the classic rock station in Detroit was played on the classic rocker in New York.
After a while, Radio sounded the same in every town. It didn’t sound good. It sounded cheap. The same voices, up and down the the dial. The same subtle clicks as the computer shifted from canned music to canned announcements to commercials. After a while, the listeners stopped tuning in. Why bother, when nothing interesting, innovative, or exciting is going on? An iPod can give you music, without the commercials. And a person who slowly falls out of touch with the news no longer cares about it.
If this sounds familliar, it should. Now, this is network television’s story. TV: You’ve blown up the vast majority of your international news bureaus. This, when what happens abroad affects us back in the States in a way not seen since the 50’s. Your morning news programs have descended into something best branded as infotainment, where anchors undergo pedicures involving flesh-eating fish, and the Today show is essentially free entertainment for tourists on the streets of New York. You’ve made sure people don’t understand national and international news, cutting your own throat as the demand for hard news ebbs. People are getting their TV news dose from The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, shows that manage to be informative and mesmerizing. Not to mention — the questions asked of newsmakers on those shows are much more pointed than the softballs tossed on the nightly news. Your prime-time schedule is no longer built on scripted shows — instead largely consisting of a motley collection of characters willing to sell their souls for a few moments of airtime. NBC attempted the cheap road, sticking Jay Leno into the ten o’clock slot. The argument — from network brass — was that it may not attract a big audience, but would attract enough of an audience to make it’s inexpensive production worthwhile. We all know how that worked. Instead of holding onto a gem like the cop drama Southland, nursing it, and letting it build an audience; NBC let it go to TNT, where it has a devout following among a desired demographic. Your desired demographics are fleeing to cable — turning to AMC for Mad Men and Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead. They’re turning to HBO for Boardwalk Empire and True Blood. Viewers want to be surprised, and charmed, and thrilled, and swept up by emotion. You’re still giving them Survivor, which jumped the shark years ago; you’re still giving them Desperate Housewives, which hasn’t been fun for a couple of seasons; you’re still giving them The Bachelor, and pretending it’s a romantic thrill; until very recently, you were still giving them Two and Half Men, and pretending it’s funny. Your building is on fire, and you’re not listening to the smoke alarms. You’re losing your audience to the Internet, which offers entertainment far more original and fun than the stuff you’re putting on the air. You’ve lost your reputation as the go-to place for shows that trigger laughter and surprise; for news that isn’t lifted right off a politician’s press release.
Keep it up, Network TV, and it won’t be long before you’re on Skid Row drinking cheap gin from a paper bag, just like Radio.
So Dancing Queen and I were Gchatting Saturday night, which inadvertently turned into a not-quite-liveblog of the Victor Ortiz vs. Andre Berto boxing match on HBO. Neither of us are boxing experts and we don’t know if our little Crass experiment will work or not, but we hope you enjoy it.
A little background about this fight (which DQ did not have prior to tuning in): This was a fight between Andre Berto and “Vicious” Victor Ortiz from the MGM Grand Theater at Foxwoods. Berto, the Welterweight World Champion and undefeated star, was a 2004 Haitian Olympian who skipped a career-boosting fight with Sugar Shane Mosley when the earthquake happened in Haiti, was the odds on favorite. Up-and-comer Ortiz, promoted by Oscar de la Hoya, was looking to make his mark on the scene in a new weight class. His personal story (link is included at the end – muahahaha) makes him quite compelling.
By most accounts, this has been the fight of the year, and DQ and Bots have to agree. DQ only wishes that this fight had been in Vegas and that she were there, too, so she could see the ladies’ cray-cray outfits. Two words: plastic catsuits.
**DQ apologizes in advance for her sailor language. She currently has soap in her mouth.**
9:54 DING! DING! Here we go:
9:57 PM HBO shows the undercard: Amir Khan vs. Johnny McCloskey in Manchester, England. McCloskey happens to be Irish.
Bots: oh my, they’re showing a fight from the uk first. and the irish boxer fights EXACTLY like the Notre Dame mascot.
DQ: what’s his name
Bots: well i’m watching boxing on hbo.
DQ: i was wondering
Bots: McCloskey. he’s fighting Amir Khan who is the heavy favorite.
Bots: so when is this royal wedding i’m supposed to liveblog?
DQ: april 29th!
Bots: oh ok. i thought maybe it was today and i missed it.
DQ: no such luck there, buddy
Bots: no i want to liveblog it. i feel like i could add a lot to the experience.
Bots: this is hilarious. they should put a green leprechaun hat on him.
DQ: uh yeah. i would say so. [at McCloskey] throw a punch man!
10:00 PM – DQ notices McCloskey is clad in extremely shiny boxing shorts
DQ: doesn’t it do something to your credibility to have sequins on your shorts?
Bots: haha. they are silly.
DQ: hey! maybe you and i should liveblog this!
Bots: he looks like a disco ball.
DQ: get a girl’s perspective on a man thing
Bots: gooch and i talked about it but we may do the pacquiao – mosley fight.
DQ: [regarding disco ball pants] dude is getting his ass beat
Bots: the leprechaun isn’t nearly fast enough to fight khan.
DQ: kahn seems to have a longer reach
Bots: he does. by an inch and a half. he’s also like 7 years younger. and his trainer is freddie roach.
DQ: i dunno what significance that has
Bots: oh. freddie roach is pacquiao’s trianer. he’s the best in the biz.
10:05 PM – Someone in the crowd is blowing what we think is a vuvuzela.
DQ: take away that fucking horn!
Bots: is that a vuvuzela?
DQ: it’s higher pitched
Bots: boxing is so fucking livebloggable. it’s such a crazy scene of a sport.
DQ: i think you just made up a word. it would be more fun if we could see the crazy outfits the women are wearing
Bots: oh i’m sure.
10:17 – Somehow the conversation turns to places we’d like to visit.
Bots: i love the geography out west. i really love the west actually. i should be home on the range, riding horses, getting into gunfights with banditos.
DQ: haha. that’s what we do
Bots: not fucking going to the stripmall to buy socks at target. uh oh. the irishman is taking punches.
DQ: yikes!
10:20 The fight doctor calls the fight after a small cut opens up on McCloskey’s forehead.
Bots: wtf. doctor’s decision or something? BOOOOOO! Do not like. the cut was from an accidental headbutt. crowd is NOT happy! Oscar De La Hoya sighting.
DQ briefly switched to SATC 2 because she likes to punish herself. She soon decided that watching men beating the hell out of each other was a major improvement over SATC 2 so she switched back to boxing.
DQ: they stopped the fight?
Bots: yep. the irishman is mad because “people paid their hard earned money for the pay per view.” hilarious. no american fighter would EVER give a shit about the fans! hahaha
DQ: i heard that
Bots: those horns. ugh. make it stop!
DQ: i’d choke that fucker
Bots: i’d shove that horn up his ass! /no homophob hahaha
DQ: haha
Bots: Larry Merchant insults the fight doctor. he is totally senile. boxing is the crazy cousin of the sports world.
10:33 – The main event (Ortiz vs. Berto) begins and Ortiz comes out wearing a giant gold and white sobrero and a bizarre silver tunic-like garment with the American flag, Mexican flag and a giant Kansas Jayhawks logo on the chest.
Bots: oh lord. what is Ortiz wearing?
DQ: um, i have no words for that
Bots: hilarious.
they were talking about his story earlier. apparently he and his brother were abandoned in a small kansas town as kids and they like lived in a barn or something for a while. crazy.
DQ: wow. terrible. did he go to KU? i saw that on his get-up
Bots: i highly doubt it. not a lot of college students in boxing! i love boxing but it just chews you up. it’s brutal if you peek behind the curtain.
10:36 – The ring announcer is a blue-eyed, white guy with ponytailed dreadlocks, an extremely well-groomed goatee and ring announcer voice.
DQ: theeeeeee fuck?
Bots: YES! I want this guy at my next party!
DQ: i don’t like how he is holding the mic. he is confusing to me
Bots: His suit is fantastic too. boxing is insane.
DQ: 12 rounds is just ridiculous. TOO MANY!
Bots: who is the guy with the mohawk behind ortiz? this is crazy.
DQ: he is confusing me too
Bots: and they’re all wearing those reflective suits like ortiz.
DQ: please don your tin foil suits!
Bots: this announcer kind of sucks. despite the awesome hair.
DQ: you think so?
Bots: i want to like him but he’s no michael buffer.
DQ: why did he just say ortiz, twice
Bots: don’t ask why. just go with it!
DQ: i was just wondering if there was a reason! yeah, that guy berto is fucking diesel
Bots: he’s really, really quick.
DQ: he did the double name thing again!
Bots: this announcer! what the what?????
DQ: the HBO commentator is talking to himself
Bots: i know. we should be liveblogging this!
DQ: WOW look at berto’s lats!
Ortiz surprised everyone by pummeling Berto right away in the first round.
DQ: the fuck!
Bots: berto is wasted tired.
DQ: berto is beat
Bots: we should be commentators
DQ: he got rocked!
Bots: berto is just blatantly missing on his punches. not even close to landing them.
DQ: wow. ortiz is kicking his ass
Bots: berto’s confidence seems gone
DQ: he doesn’t know what is happening. he is not well prepared for this fight
Bots: well he just knocked down ortiz! this is amazing!
DQ: i know! i rewound
Bots: i want this fight to keep going. no KO’s yet!
DQ: the slow mo is nutso. Ortiz’s right is a hammer
Bots: these guys are just slugging away at each other.
DQ: he can duck like a …duck
Bots: berto? yeah he’s fast.
DQ: [at Berto] get off the ropes! ortiz is crazed
Bots: ortiz is taunting him a bit. hi def is the ONLY way to watch this shit!
DQ: or on an old giant 32 inch TV! i should be a coach. the commentator just told him to get off the ropes which i just said
Bots: berto’s corner seemed like a disaster. jeez. while ortiz is relaxed.
DQ: his corner is as shaken as berto
Bots: what a cute usher over there on the left.
DQ: oh hello. haha “not 50 cent”
Bots: Fitty and Floyd Mayweather in the house.
DQ: chelsea handler is going to get blasted tonight
Bots: chelsea handler? why? is she there?
DQ: she’s with 50
Bots: why am i even surprised? it’s boxing. crazy stuff like that always happens.
DQ: i keep thinking antoine dodson is there
11:07 – In the seventh round Berto makes a huge comeback and knocks Ortiz down.
Bots: well shit. berto has his legs back.
DQ: [mixing metaphors] berto is swinging for the fences
Bots: holy shit.
DQ: dem some hay fucking hay makers. good night ortiz. this is the best fight i’ve ever seen
Later in the same round, Berto himself gets knocked down.
Bots: oh my! berto just flops backward. mind ASPLODE. i need another fucking bourbon.
DQ: pour one for me! [watching replay of massive blow to Bertos’ chin] GAWD! did you see that?
Bots: incredible. this is why i love boxing. it’s pure drama sometimes.
DQ: now i want berto to win even more
Bots: yup. go berto.
DQ: come on berto get those legs back
Bots: berto was wobbling like a drunken leprechaun there!
DQ: is that bill cosby! [it was not]
Bots: did you see the cos? I swear i saw the cos like four times. [still not] must be the coogi sweater.
DQ: jello pudding pops
Bots: if they show 50 cent but no cosby, cosby is going to slap someone.
DQ: oh i see your usher lady
Bots: haha. THERE SHE IS. She is pretty fetching in that bright red blazer!
DQ: i think she is wearing gloves too. Fancy!
Bots: she’s a star usher. also, the one photographer on the right looks like he will sell you some pig liquor out in the parking lot after the fight.
DQ: pig liquor?
Bots: moonshine
DQ: did you see the one on the right? he looks like the elephant man
Bots: that’s pig liquor guy.
DQ: perfect. ortiz keeps hitting berto in the back of the head
Bots: ortiz! what are you doing? stupid. should have lost a point this time!
DQ: okay. there are just too many rounds
Bots: no! they used to go like 15 rounds back in ali’s day.
DQ: [watching replay of berto getting pummeled] gaaaaaawddamn
Bots: And it obviously had no ill effects…
DQ: true, true. those guys all ended up as rhodes scholars
Bots: i’m going to hell for that, aren’t i?
DQ: i’ll meet you there. berto is done. and then he’s back!
Bots: it’s amazing. he’s taking like huge combinations of punches, then counters right at ortiz’s face.
DQ: if berto is going to win, it will have to be by KO
Bots: berto getting up off the canvas looks like me after about 8 rum and cokes. reaching for things to hold on to. losing the batle against gravity.
DQ: like a baby giraffe with his legs locking backwards
Bots: like a baby honey badger after bingeing on snake venom.
Bots: ortiz’s uppercut is badass.
DQ: he throws a lot of hooks
Bots: listen to you, miss boxing analyst!
DQ: kickboxing class has taught me many things
Bots: oh shit. you’re kickin’ motherfuckers.
DQ: in dey head
11:27 PM – They go into the final round with Oritz clearly leading on points.
DQ: it’s like a fucking counseling session in berto’s corner. here we go
Bots: yeah. berto needs to punch big here.
DQ: what is this?
Bots: ortiz is stalling kinda.
DQ: ahhhh that’s what i thought
11:31 – The fight is over. Ortiz wins by decision.
Bots: wow. very entertaining. ortiz is kind of evil looking, no?
DQ: that gold belt is going to conflict with their tin foils suits
Bots: the announcer just said Maidana won a great fight, and then had to be corrected. Ahh, boxing.
DQ: ahhh head injuries
Bots: ahh premature alzheimer’s symptoms!
DQ: the ring chick is over acting a bit
Bots: whoa. leave the ring girl alone!
DQ: oh they thought of everything! gold hats to match the belt!
Bots: that sombrero is redonkulous.
DQ: what? no
Bots: sombreros are just innately silly.
DQ: they are great for dancing around
Bots: and for hiding things in while being worn…
DQ: and for carrying babies. ortiz sounds pretty good
Bots: yeah, he doesn’t sound nearly as evil as he looks. i kind of like ortiz actually.
DQ: the commentator sounds brain-injured
Bots: larry merchant. yeah, he’s really really old. i think he had a stroke but HBO wont fire him since he’s been around so long.
DQ: he’s like the diane rehm of boxing
Bots: here in atlanta the local npr affiliate has this old lady who sounds like an 80s stereotype of a rich white lady. and they will not EVER take her off the air because the old white people who donate money all love her. larry merchant is just painful to watch.
DQ: now i want to read Ortiz’s story
Gather ’round, guys and gals. Can you guess who this angelic child grew up to be? Put your guesses in the comment section.
Remember: absolutely no cheating.
About 18 months ago I was laid off. In my haste to figure out what to do with the next 1/3rd of my life, my fiancee and I talked about me going back to get my CS degree. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I started with a full set of basic classes. I started registration late and had to choose from a very limited supply of classes. My semester consisted of: Western Civilization, Microeconomics, US Government and Java Programming. Java Programming was online, so I didn’t deal much with the other students or the teacher in that class. I met the teacher only for the mid-term and the final.
The first week I walked into my classes, every teacher gave their version of the same speech: read the book, do the homework, study for the tests. They each had their own version of a “the system is out to get you” lecture. Every one of my teachers was a crackpot conservative. My Western Civ teacher was a Birther.
Every one of them said something similar about attrition as well. They said that the class would have 70% fewer students by finals.
I was going to community college. It was a good community college (California has some of the best), but it was still full of people who, for one reason or another, weren’t going to a State or UC college. I was also one of the oldest students in two of my classes (My Civ class had a grandma in it). In the first 4 weeks, I would go into classes, do the reading, do the homework, and follow the instructions the teachers gave out. I assumed my fellow students were doing the same thing.
My first hint that my professors might be on to something was my third week. Our Western Civ teacher gave us an assignment. It wasn’t a difficult assignment in my mind as I’d already done it four weeks earlier, even before the class had started. The assignment was to buy the course book. You didn’t have to carry the book into the class, all you had to do was come into class with proof you had purchased the book. This was worth 5% of your grade.
About 25% of the class failed this assignment. This was about the same number of people who forgot to take the “doesn’t count on your grade” pre-test in Microeconomics that my instructor begged us to take.
About 4 weeks in I had one test in each of my 3 humanities courses. Each one was relatively easy for me because I had followed the instructions of the professors: I had read the material, done the homework, and studied for the tests. This time period was an unmitigated disaster for many of my fellow students. Each class had students freaking out about what the tests contained and how all the tests were too difficult. Each teacher was stereotyped as an uncaring career sadist who delighted in pedantic lecturing that had nothing to do with the real world.
The class sizes began to dwindle. We lost a lot of people in my Microeconomics class right after the first test. My Government class started with 250 people, so at first it was hard to tell how many people were left. I sat in front in my Western Civ class, so I didn’t pay too much attention at the time.
At about week 11, I looked up my post mid-term grades and had a minor meltdown. I had taken two tests on the same day in week 9 while trying to play goalie to a child that refused to sleep in his own bed. From the grade scores, I had assumed that I had blown both. My Fiancee talked me down by telling me not to assume anything. Her suspicions proved correct; I learned that the curves in those classes were so low that my grades were putting me in the High B / Low A range. She was particularly annoyed at how little studying I was doing. She didn’t see me doing a lot compared to what she did in undergrad.
After my second test in Western Civ, my professor told the class that as a matter-of-fact, 45% of the class had failed both tests. What was amazing about that number was that the teacher did the following for every test:
- Gave the questions to the tests during lecture,
- Defined all of the vocabulary 3 times,
- Told us where to read to get the answers for the essays, and
- Provided outlines for her lecture.
In order to fail a test in her class, you had to lose 15 points out of 25. Oh, did I mention she also drops your lowest test score when doing your grade?
My Microeconomics teacher gave two tests. They admittedly were difficult. It was not an easy course.
My Government class had 3 tests, all of them open book. He put in his class notes the areas that each test covered. His tests were so heavily curved that it was possible to miss 40 questions out of 60 and pass it. He gave students 15 extra credit questions on one test, and two extra credit book reports that would count for the equivalent of one free test’s worth of points. There were still people petitioning to curve the second test because it was “too hard.”
I think a lot of students hear “Open Book Test” and think it means “I don’t have to read the book.” I sat in a row of 5 people, and I asked every week for 3 weeks if anyone had read the chapters (yeah, I’m that guy). I was the only one. I took lecture notes, but I didn’t reread them in this class because they weren’t that useful.
Of all of my teachers, my Government teacher was probably the most useful because he was typical of the type of instructor at a university. He lectured abstractly about the material and expected the students to do the reading on their own. He didn’t tell you to learn the material, you just wouldn’t pass his class.
And he was despised for it. If you look at the reviews for him on RateMyProfessor.com, you’ll find hundreds of angry students going back years complaining about his teaching style. Of course, if you look harder, you’ll find the students who actually learned something in his class. It’s a small list.
My Microeconomics class had 27 students in it on the day of the final. We started with 120, with more people who were trying to petition to enroll. My Government class had less than 80 out of 245. My Western Civ class had 40 out of 120, and of those 10 of them still were failing the class. This was after she told everyone who failed the first two tests to drop the class.
Remember my Java Class? I didn’t have a lot of contact with the students except for the class forum. There were usually 6 kids and me in it. There were 60 people enrolled in the class. I earned a high B / low A in the class and thought I wasn’t pulling my weight because a lot of students had better homework grades. Then we took our first test. I was in the top 7 in tests, among the other 6 kids who were the only commenters in the forum. I don’t want to believe the other students copied homework, but the test scores and the behavior during the test indicated that some of them couldn’t even open the program to start the test. I spent 30 minutes watching one of the “A” students struggle to open the first assignment.
My last test was my Government class. The students had been complaining about this test for the past three weeks. It covered 16 chapters in two books, about 300 pages of reading. I spent the weekend before reading one of the books, and had already read the other material in the other book. Here is how you take a test when it is open book:
- Read the book
- Do the homework
- Study the material
It doesn’t hurt to make note cards with chapter names for the questions you might have to look up. Also, the index is your best friend.
One of the selling points for this particular school was that this was the best feeder school to the UC system. They boasted about it in all of their literature. Later on I found out what that rate was: 5%. There were 20,000 Freshman.
Idiot Americans, otherworldly idiots, idiots with knives and connections, and one plain old idiot writer/director, will leak all their smarts onto your movie screen.
There is no spoon.
A Musical Movie, Dummy: Universal Pictures has plans to turn the hit Broadway musical, American Idiot, into a theatrical film. Yay! Wait, yay? I dunno. When I think of the phrase American Idiot I don’t usually think of some wailing, emo-dude with eyeliner. I basically think of Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann co-starring in Sarah and Shelly’s High School Reunion! I imagine it would be a fanciful tale about two shrill old ladies who are best friends and live in an apartment littered with the carcasses of various gummi bears who still listen to Amy Grant and Tori Amos while spinning colorful tales about how they’ll be somebody special one day. Why not start at the high school reunion! Squeeeee! Yes, that’s it. This is what they’ve been waiting for. They’ll hitch up their Jesus approved mini-skirts, slap on the Jean Nate body splash, tease their limp hair for all it’s worth and then march themselves right down to the high school gym where they’ll see Todd and Marcus standing by the punch bowl in their Members Only jackets and aviator shades, and they’re all like, “Hey, boys. This is really cool, right?” “Yeah, look there’s even fruit in the punch bowl. Let me take out my cinnamon gum.” “My breath is like awesome, right?” “What?” “Yup, sure, we’ll come with you guys to your dad’s Chevy Impala out back.” “We’re like waitresses down at the Waffle House, of course we know what to do with sausage, why do you ask?”
Living with Aliens…Now All the Time: Hollywood is moving beyond calling things remakes and reboots now. They’re just basically saying, “You know that movie we made thirty-years ago that is exactly like this one? Yeah, okay, that movie doesn’t exist anymore.” And we the audience are like, “Hell no, I know for a fact I saw Howard the Duck. You just can’t convince me that I didn’t see a walking, talking duck, and Lea Thompson’s bad hair choices.” Well, apparently, Hollywood is like a cabal of ancient wizards and they can make movies disappear. They’re doing so with a visual re-fried bean called, They Live, about a guy who wakes up and realizes that he’s surrounded by aliens that are controlling society. Hey! Isn’t that just like the movie about the guy who sees aliens that are controlling society with those special glasses also called They Live? Hollywood says, “We have no idea what you’re talking about. James, take Spirit Fingers down to the BrainWipe room.” Anyway, they’re doing this thing and plan on making it less satirical, so that means basically a very serious alien movie. As opposed to Robin Williams in a red jumpsuit. Whatever. Na-nu, Na-nu.
48 Hours with John Rambo…bring your bowknife: Sylvester Stallone and his retired face muscles will be in a movie called Headshot. Walter Hill director of The Warriors, 48 Hrs, and Brewster’s Millions will helm this non-Rambo offering starring Adrian’s husband. I wasn’t actually sure Sylvester Stallone made movies that didn’t involve killing outlaws in Burma or teaming up again with the massive walking pot roast that is Dolph Lundgren, but these things are still happening, I guess. This particular sure-to-be the Spike channel’s movie of the year will star Stallone as a New Orleans hitman who teams with a young NYPD detective: “The unlikely duo, brought together by two vicious murders, take on all who stand in their way, and are willing to sacrifice everything to exact revenge.” Soooo, this will be 48hrs Stallone style. Ho, boy. I’m not sure there are enough monosyllabic utterances in the world for that.
Crazy trivia time: Do you know who was considered to star in 48hrs? Gregory Hines, Richard Pryor, Burt Reynolds, Mickey Rourke, Sylvester Stallone, and Denzel Washington. Now that we’re obviously trying to right a grievous wrong here according to Stallone, who should play the young NYPD detective? My money is on Mickey Rourke so the entire cast will look like everyone just attached road kill to their faces.
Gotti Get A GoodFella: So, in addition to John Travolta’s synthetic dancing widow’s peak playing John Gotti in the biopic Gotti: Three Generations, Joe Pesci has signed on to play Angelo Ruggiero, deputy to the infamous mafia boss. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Sure, I’d still like to see Pesci threaten to break someone’s aorta for mentioning the word “shinebox,” but I just don’t know if he still has the fire in him like he used to. Where’s he been for the last fifteen years? Even De Niro has somehow fallen straight into a bottle of fun, family comedy, and Ray Liotta was recently a warlock in some crazed medieval schlocky shitshow starring Jason Statham…so, uh, it’s like the Goodfellas went on vacation to Wally World and haven’t returned. Maybe this is just a phase. But the biggest news about the Gotti movie is that Lindsay Lohan, yes, that Lindsay “crack pipe in stilettos” Lohan is in talks to play somebody in this movie. No one knows what part she’s vying for. Perhaps a younger Victoria Gotti? Perhaps the girlfriend of one of the Gotti boys? Perhaps she’ll play herself as John watches her court proceedings on jail TV? Either way I’m sure Michael Lohan will attempt to squeeze himself into his daughter’s handbag the day she reports on set.
Transforming the Rope a Dope: So if you don’t think Michael Bay has ruined robots for all eternity, and the thought of a Robocop remake doesn’t make you want to choke on an Atari cartridge, then perhaps you’re excited for the upcoming Hugh Jackman boxing robot vehicle, Real Steel. Which to me just looks like Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots on steroids with an Australian screaming things at them in American talk. Fine. Whatever. I’m not sure it can get worse than toilet humor alien robots with gold teeth. Sheesh. Well, DreamWorks wants to put that to the test! Real Steel hasn’t even premiered yet and they’re already talking sequel! Apparently test screening for Real Steel Original Sauce has been successful. Why do I suspect the “test group” was a room full of ten-year old boys who watched the thing high on Doritos dust while holding the pre-marketed action figure and sipping from a Real Steal juice box? I’m not sure why they’re even releasing the first one, if number two (pun intended) has already been greenlit. Why do we even bother going to movies anymore? Exactly. Hollywood is working on a putrid movie additive they plan to put in our drinking water. We’ll quench a thirst and mentally absorb Nic Cage’s back sweat as he frantically tries to save the world from his zombie monster bird hair and his weird Friday night drunken binges.
M. Night Shyamalan To Get Schooled: This is just hilarious. Rotten Tomatoes found this little gem from Entertainment Weekly that talks about a website dedicated to crowdsourcing funds to send filmmaker (or fehmaker, six of one) M. Night Shyamalan back to film school! “If we all donate just one dollar, we can send M. Night back to NYU so he gets the help we all so desperately need. Let’s make it happen so we can get him enrolled before he starts principal photography on 1000 A.E.” In addition, they say if they raise the funds, but Shyamalan refuses their check then they’ll start a scholarship in his name instead and “send the NEXT Tarantino to NYU.” Um, this will never, ever, work. I just don’t think Shyamalan has hit bottom yet. No, no I don’t think he has. He wasn’t deterred after he created that magical water-boy nonsense about magical Avatars, which to his shock wasn’t about the veritable movie gold that was alien Blue Donkeys with vibrating genitalia in their braids. And now he’s somehow convinced an A-list actor to star in a movie surely about mysterious alien kangaroos living in a cave filled with five-testicled sea urchins. Bring it, Cameron! No, surely this isn’t rock bottom. Rock bottom is probably remaking Howard the Duck.
Casting News:
- Michael Shannon, creepy, weird, face-picking bug guy, will be General Zod in the upcoming Superman movie
- Zach Galifianakis, the chubbiest Ewok, has pulled out of the buddy comedy R.I.P.D co-starring Ryan Reynolds
- Jessica Biel, star of Oscar-winning Foreign Film Valentine’s Day is in talks to join Colin Farrell and Bryan Cranston in the Total Recall remake
- Tom Hanks, fifty-percent of Bubba Gump, will join the Wachowski brothers’ Cloud Atlas
- Bradley Cooper, who may have misunderstood his agent, may be starring in a remake of The Crow
- Michael Clarke Duncan who did something in that Daredevil thing, will do something in the Green Lantern thing
- Hugh Laurie, Dr. House’s alter ego, will star in the movie adaptation of Mr. Pip
- Russell Brand, our newest movie king, (bow to his pants), will star in the movie adaptation of Rock of Ages; Amy Adams, understandably so, is out
- Sally Field, who, yes, we really like her, will play Mary Todd Lincoln in Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln
- Hugh Jackman who’s apparently so busy making ten Real Steel movies is out of Snow White and the Huntsman
- Helena Bonham Carter and Jeremy Irvine will be all forlorn in a new adaptation of Great Expectations
- Ryan Gosling despite a seventeen-year age difference, is being considered to ride alongside Johnny Depp’s Tonto as the Lone Ranger in the new film adaption of the same title
That’s it for this week. I feel smarter. Don’t you?
Hate. It’s a strong word and one that I use a lot. I hate that I hate as much as I do but I try not to think of how meta that is. We’ve all recently discussed things that we hate on Facebook and things that annoy us in general. Today, I would like to break you off with some things that I hate about: THE WORKPLACE.
- Cap’n Crunch – These are the people who love potato chips. Fucking love them. In fact, they love them so much that they insist on savoring them for as long as possible…with their mouths open. How the fuck can you take 3 minutes to eat one chip? Ask Cap’n Crunch and they’ll set you straight.
- The Turd Burglar – This is the lady or gentleman who never quite learned that there are ways of determining whether or not somebody is in the bathroom stall. They try really hard to barge into your stall like some kind of crazed moose and then say nothing when they realize that they’ve made a mistake.
- Havana Omelet – Speaking of bathrooms, it is my opinion that the turd burglar (or TB) has nothing on the Havana Omelet. This person has no shame and will not hesitate to bust ass in the stall next to you with the power of no less than 1.21 gigawatts of rectal fury. Not everyone can control how their bowel movements work out but maybe this person should try avoiding the ghost chili burger at Carl’s Jr, next time.
- Howard Hughes – This is the upstanding individual who is convinced that you can get cancer of the butt by merely looking a surface that hasn’t been rigorously cleaned with a disinfectant wipe. Yes, germs are everywhere and they are coming to eat your children but have you ever considered letting your immune system do its job every once and awhile?
- Wolfgang Puck – What’s that you brought for lunch, fella? Is that ‘hot sauerkraut goulash’ Hamburger Helper? Eat it in the fucking break room (or parking lot) because it smells like hot garbage.
- Casey Kasem – So you like Nickelback? I don’t. Neither do the other people in a 5-mile radius. Remember when I looked at you as though you were the Toxic Avenger and told you that your music sucks? I wasn’t joking. The first clue would’ve been when I followed my first statement up with the words, “I’m not joking”. There is no accounting for taste and there will also be no accounting for where I hide your body.
- Clever Name for Ergonomic Keyboard Users – I have no rational explanation for this one. I just really hate when people use those stupid keyboards.
I could go on for days but I would really like to hear what you guys hate.
– Gooch
When I was in high school, I barely wore make-up. I’d be the girl in cat sweaters, thick-rimmed glasses and overalls. I dressed like a hipster without realizing what a hipster was, simply by shopping at Goodwill and being too much of a literary geek to care about clothes.
Now, I’m 25 years old and I work in public relations, so I feel obligated to wear make-up nearly every day I go to work. Part of this is because I got into the habit in college, being in a major with a high percentage of sorority girls. It’s also partly due to the simple fact that I have a total baby-face.
When I don’t wear make-up, I look ten years younger. Since I’m already the youngest person on multiple teams, wearing make-up helps make it look like I’m not some sullen teenager sneaking over from some “Take Your Daughter to Work Day” event.
But because I like to stay up late and go out and do things, I am not really a morning person. I wanted my workday make-up routine to be as streamlined and simple as possible.
Here are my go-to products for quickly putting on my face and facing the fucking day.
Moisturizer and Primer
I always use moisturizer with some SPF. You should too. It’s a good idea. Right now I’m using Kroger’s version of the Oil of Olay Oil of Beauty moisturizer. I do not use make-up primer every day. I save that for going out or days when I think if I don’t use it, my minimal make-up will end up melting off my face. (So, the summer, maybe.)
Foundation
I live in Los Angeles, so I don’t usually like to wear liquid foundation. It feels too heavy and hot. I’m also dark-skinned so it’s usually a pain in the neck trying to find the appropriate shade. What I do instead is dust some Physician’s Formula matte bronzer on my face in lieu of powder foundation. I don’t know at what point I discovered that their matte bronzers were the perfect shade for my skin, but it’s true. They also manage to brighten your skin as well.
I’m currently infatuated with their “mood-boosting” line, with the cute hearts and the wacky violet smell. The smell fades after a while, unfortunately.
Physician’s Formula Mood Boosting Pressed Powder
Blush
As much as I claim to wear make-up so I don’t look 15, I still kind of have a 15-year-old’s budget. That’s why drugstore brand Wet N Wild is one of the staples of my make-up routine. It helps that their make-up is pretty awesome for the price-point. They also recently redid their line so the packaging is very cute and minimalist.
I usually use their blush in Heather Silk.
Eyes
I use more Wet N Wild products here. I’m partial to their eye pencil in Bronzed. That’s actually an understatement. If they stopped making that, I’d probably kill myself. It’s one of those eye pencil shades that works for all skin tones, I think. It’s also only 99 cents, and if you have a Walgreens nearby, on sale for 69 cents. I definitely recommend this product.
I am also extremely fond of Wet N Wild Mega Plump mascara. It’s the one in the red tube. They are all really good mascaras but this happens to be the one I like.
I do not use eye shadow, typically, if it’s just an everyday workday.
Wet N Wild Eyeliner in Bronzed
Wet N Wild MegaPlump Waterproof Mascara
Lips
Depending on how I’m feeling, I will either rock Clinique’s Almost Lipstick in Black Honey (this is truly the holy grail of lipsticks, everyone loves it), a CoverGirl Outlast Lipstain or just plain old Chapstick. I’m partial to the Burt’s Bee’s chapsticks, since they have a nice scent.
I don’t wear lipstick, generally. It also feels like a bit too much make-up.
Clinique’s Almost Lipstick in Black Honey
So now you have my beauty routine, which, honestly, takes all of 5-10 minutes depending on how hungover I might be. So what’s your workday beauty routine?
By DahlELama and The_Obvious
The two of us have lots in common: we both continue to love The Office long after everyone else has given up on it, we both revere our KitchenAid mixers, and we both think we’re better than everyone else at Scrabble. But for all our similarities, there will always be one huge difference between us: our backgrounds.
However, good friends and natural-born educators that we are, we’ve always made sure to try to teach each other a little bit more about where we come from. For instance, I, Dahl, taught T_O about the Sabbath, and he now he tries to get me to bail on it every Friday. And I, T_O Ochocinco taught Dahl about Easter and egg hunts, and she promptly invited herself to my family’s annual holiday celebration. Eventually, we discovered that our cultures do have one major thing in common: a reverence of balls.
The_Obvious
Like any good little Catholic kid, I was dragged to church every Sunday. Through all the mumbling of prayers, mouthing of words to hymns when the priest saw me not singing, and making paper footballs out of dollars destined for the collection plate, there was one motivating factor that made it all worth it: meatballs. Going to my grandparents’ house was a post-church tradition, and one that I enjoyed very much. The smell of the impending feast hit you as soon as you got to the front door and the star of the show were the meatballs. My grandma would keep a watchful eye over the pot as family members filed in. There were always a few sauceless ones set aside just for me. (I eventually grew out of my disdain for sauce and graduated from white to regular pizza, much to the relief of my mom.) Food and family were synonymous growing up and Sunday meatballs were very much an important part of that. Not long ago, I went to a restaurant that only served meatballs, and felt a pang of guilt and betrayal for eating anybody else’s but grandma’s.
I gave Grandma Obvious a call asking if I could have her recipe, which like most family favorites is not written down anywhere. I’m afraid the answer I received won’t be very useful to anyone though as the measurements she rattled off included: “2-3 pounds”, “some”, “a few”, and “a generous amount.” What I can tell you is that there is mixed chopped meat (veal, beef, and pork), egg, milk, bread crumbs, and parmigiano cheese. She fries the meatballs so they get a nice brown crust and finishes them in the oven. Noticeably absent is garlic and onion, so yes, this is not a spicy meatball. I suppose that’s relatively controversial as far as meatball recipes go, but with any comfort food, your first food memory tends to be what you prefer.
DahlELama
Unfortunately, because I’m an observant Jew who keeps kosher, both the pork and the combination of meat and dairy products make those lovely balls off limits to me. (But I would not turn my nose up at an all-beef kosher version; just throwing that out there.) Fortunately, we Jews have our own special balls which are 100% kosher. I speak, of course, of matzoh malls!
Like T_O, my grandmother was quite skilled in the kitchen, and although the 7,000-mile distance between us meant I only had her cooking a handful of times in my life, one of my favorite things that my father brought back to our American kitchen from her Czech-turned-Israeli one was her matzoh ball recipe. One of the great debates of the kosher kitchen is whether matzoh balls should be dense or fluffy, and my grandmother’s were as dense as can be. For a recipe for fluffier matzoh balls (and chicken soup to go with them), see TackyTick’s Passover post. For my grandmother’s matzoh balls, see below:
Savta’s Matzoh Balls
4 eggs
1 c. matzoh meal
1/2 c. oil
1/2 tsp. salt
boiling chicken soup/stock/broth/whatever (basically, whatever liquid you’ll be serving them in should be prepared first)
Mix all ingredients until smooth. Place in refrigerator for one hour (or freeze for 20 minutes). Roll into balls about an inch in diameter and drop into pot of boiling chicken liquid-of-choice. Cook partially covered for 40 minutes.
If you’re feeling ambitious and artsy, you can also try giving your matzoh balls some color using spinach, turmeric, or tomato.
So those are our favorite balls; tell us about yours in the comments!
DahlELama and The_Obvious are parents to two adorable chicks named Nuggets and General Tso, who are currently living with a foster mother in Connecticut. The chicks were taken away following a traumatic incident involving The_Obvious and some brutally decapitated Peeps.