Good evening Crasstalk. Hope you had a good day. We have couple of quick announcements this evening, please look them over.
We really need some more posts for tomorrow and the upcoming weekend. If you have been thinking about putting something together now is the time. A lot of people who asked for author accounts haven’t actually written a post yet. If you need help please just let me know and I can help you get started.
On a related note, there will be another Writer’s Workshop this Sunday to help people come up with and develop post ideas.
Please share the articles you like on social networkign sites. We have had some really neat articles around here lately so please give the writers some love by showing off their work.
OK, now that we have all that covered let’s have a little fun.
Like many, when I stumble upon good music, I feel that the divine order of life would not continue would I not be able to proselytize my current loves to everyone I see. Thank GOD for the internet. Makes indoctrination so much easier (and more annoying) to reach the masses. So for the past couple of years I have been exploring the world that has opened up to me through Latin artists who would’ve ordinarily escaped my radar (and my radar is pretty international). In any case, I thought it might be fun to make a small introductory post so maybe there might be someone you discover too.
Manu Chao / Mano Negra
Along with his brother and cousin, Manu Chao was a co-founder of Mano Negra, one of the most influential alternative bands to come out of France in the 80s and one that I will forever and ever and ever regret not seeing when they came to my small town when I was studying in France. Mixing rock, ska, punk, reggae, flamenco and raï influences along with singing in Spanish (mostly), French, English and even Arabic, they became legends in Europe and Latin America. Today Manu Chao carries the torch in his solo work, focusing on social and political themes in the Latin world. He is involved with many side projects and happily, continues to play Mano Negra’s music and still incorporates it in his work now.
Cerati is an artist that I have been recently introduced to and is a huge legend in his homeland, Argentina. He was a founder of the 80s alternative group Soda Stereo and were the first Latin group to become successful throughout Central and South America have influenced numerous groups. Since the band broke up in 1997, Cerati has gone on to do much successful solo work. Last year in May, he collapsed on stage due to a stroke during a gig in Venezuela and has remained in a coma ever since.
Another South American legend from Colombia. Juanes started out his career in a heavy metal band named Ekhymosis, eventually moving on to rock and pop music. Much of his music is influenced from traditional Colombian folk songs and although fluent in English, insists on singing in his native Spanish since he says it is the language that he thinks and feels in. Juanes is also extremely dedicated to charity work and has taken on the cause of eradicating land mines from his homeland. Also, I am going to see him next week in concert and am so freaking excited about it.
An extremely popular Mexican-American singer from Long Beach, California but grew up in Tijuana, Mexico. Having collaborated with the legendary producer Gustavo Santaolalla who also gave Juanes his start , Julieta sings in Spanish and her music is heavily nuanced with classical Mexican accordion and is very melodic. In concert she also does a mean cover of “Love Cats” by the Cure. She has done a myriad of collaborations including and is a friend of…
Ok, this girl…. I have not had her off of my iPod since her second album came out last spring. A Chilean rapper originally born in France, her family moved back to Chile after Pinochet had left power. Much of her music deals with personal themes, is inspired by classic hip-hop and first got much attention with her collaboration with Julieta Venegas on “Eres Para Mi”. She has received much critical acclaim for her work and was the second Chilean artist ever to be nominated for a Grammy in the Best Latin Rock, Alternative, or Urban Album category. Personally, I can’t say enough about her and have been disappointed that I’ve missed a few opportunities to see her last year when she came around promoting the album. (Soon…..)
Lastly, in our little tour of Latin music, I’d like to mention Mala Rodriguez. I got introduced to her thanks to Pandora last year and is also another one of the artists that I can’t get off my iPod. I don’t know a ton about her but she is a rapper from Cádiz, Spain and incorporates flamenco influences into her music which includes themes of poverty, racism, domestic violence, and female empowerment. She won a Latin Grammy this year in the category of Best Urban Song and was nominated for Best Urban Album.
I know that I am missing just volumes of information on some of these artists but I deliberately tried to keep it light with an aim of whetting your appetite, not become an encylopedia (which Wikipedia does so much better). Hopefully you will enjoy discovering these Latin artists (if you already haven’t) and are influenced to seek out more. I’m hoping that with the rise of more Spanish language music making it in the American mainstream, we will see more and more artists continue to break through and enjoy much success in our traditionally English-dominated market.
In the early days, Crasstalk was a backwater with few visits but so many great things to share. To help bring some of those early posts to light we present Crasstalk Classic. Our latest classic post goes all the way back to December 2010 when cacahuate showed us where to drink great beer in a city that really loves its beer.
21st Amendment Brewery – Brewery/ Full Bar/Restaurant – South of Market – An awesome place to have lunch or dinner, in a big rustic old warehouse. They brew their own but also have a few guest handles that change seasonally. I think they have moved most of the brewing off-site at this point, but occasionally they still do small batches on-site. No tour, unfortunately. Beers of note: Hell or High Watermelon Wheat Beer, Monk’s Blood Belgian Dark Ale.
City Beer Store – Retail/Beer only – South of Market – A small and friendly place to sit down and enjoy some weirdbeers, buy bottled beers to go, or both. A huge selection to choose from. Really, if you can’t find it anywhere, they probably have it here.
Anchor Brewing – Brewery/Tours – Potrero Hill – A stalwart institution in SF. Fritz Maytag recently sold the brewery (however, Fritz is still making his own wine, and distilling some damn good gin, whiskey, and other spirits). The best thing about Anchor is they have a free tour (you need to call and make reservations up to 6 months in advance, but it is so worth it). It’s about a 45 minute tour, extremely informative if you are not familiar with the brewing process, and the brewery itself is beautiful. AND you get to sample most of their beers at the end of the tour. Did I mention it’s free? If you can only go to one place on this list, this would be the one. Beers of note: Christmas Ale (different every year, they really have fun with this one), Summer Beer, the original Anchor Steam, Old Foghorn Barleywine Style Ale.
Speakeasy – Brewery/Tours – Bayview/Hunter’s Point – Another local brewery. Firkin Friday Open House (4-9pm, tour at 4pm sharp). On tap in many places locally. Best hoodies and t-shirts (if you go for schwag), their logo is awesome. Beers of note: Big Daddy IPA. Also, just FYI, for some reason lots of hotties (burly, tattooed, bearded, Carhart and workboot wearing dudes) work there. We got a Christmas card one year from them, and I can’t even tell you how many friends of mine made a beeline right for it once they spotted the group photo on the front of the card.
Toronado/Rosamunde – Bar/Sausage Grill – Lower Haight– Toronado is the place for a beer geek. About 50 beers on draft, and many, many more available in bottles. Lots of Belgian beers here. Also the site of the once a year Barleywine festival, which is always a total zoo (next year’s dates are 2/19/11-2/21/11). I love this place because it is next door to Rosamunde Sausage Grill, so you can get a snack and take it next door into the Toronado to enjoy with your beer.
MagnoliaBrewery – Brewery/Food – Upper Haight – Great food, great beers. In the heart of the Haight, on a street corner with wraparound windows for excellent people watching. Draft and cask conditioned ales available. Beers of note: too many to list, I have never had a beer here that I didn’t like.
Zeitgeist – Bar/Food – Mission – Friday happy hour here is one of the best in the City. Kind of a dive, but in nice weather take it out back in their huge beer garden littered with picnic tables. They have a full kitchen and barbecue (the burgers are off the hook). Not for the meek or faint of heart. Lots of bike messengers, bikers, and assorted characters. Best Bloody Mary’s anywhere.
Lucky 13 [no website of their own] – Bar – Castro/Upper Market – Very good selection of beers on tap. Strong drinks, loud music, badass rocker chick bartenders. Outdoor patio in back. A similar vibe to Zeitgeist.
Rogue – Bar/Restaurant – North Beach – An outdoor beer garden out back, perfect for relaxing in on nice days. Food can be uneven, but delicious Rogue beers on draft and guest handles too. A comfortable neighborhood joint with friendly bartenders and staff, in the heart of North Beach.
La Trappe – Bar/Restaurant – North Beach – A very cool Belgian bistro and restaurant. The food is great, the beer selection is mind-boggling. Has a very awesome grotto-like “cave” downstairs in the basement, great for hanging out with lots of people. Michael (the co-owner) is a true beer nerd and very friendly.
Beach Chalet – Brewery/Restaurant – Outer Richmond/Golden Gate Park – on the Great Highway and across from Ocean Beach. Very scenic. A nice place to take the parental units or entertain out of towners. Good brunch on the weekends.
Trips Out Of The City (And Not Necessarily Breweries)
St. George Distillery – Spirits/Tour – Alameda – Take the ferry across the bay and it’s a pleasant half-mile walk from the dock. They have an amazing operation here, and there is a tasting room, so have a designated driver if you decide to drive. They make several iterations of Hangar One Vodka (the Kaffir Lime is to die for), St. George Single Malt, Absinthe, and tequila (but they can’t call it that). This distillery was featured on Tony Bourdain’s No Reservations show, the one where they tasted Fois Gras vodka (“fois-dka”), which is not available at the distillery, or anywhere, and probably for good reason.
Lagunitas Brewery – Brewery/Tours/Food – Petaluma (Marin County) – These guys like the hops (heh), and they even have a censored beer (The Kronik Censored Rich Copper Ale). Tours available if you call. “TapRoom and Beer Sanctuary” on site. Worth the trip out of the city. Beers of note: Lagunitas IPA, Hop Stoopid (22 oz), IPA Maximus, Lagunitas Brown Shugga’.
Elton John and Bernie Taupin created the songs that are the soundtracks to major motion pictures, Broadway musicals and generations of people the world over. So what would this week come down to? SONG CHOICE! With all the perfect, amazingly written and arranged songs the John/Taupin duo has gifted to the universe, of course it would come down to song choice, wouldn’t it? Because America voted off Casey last week, and the judges shot him from a cannon right back into the competition the coveted one-time-only Judges Save, we had eleven contestants to serenade us. Eleven will enter; nine will return. Oh the drama! Let’s go to the tape.
**Author’s Note: I wonder when American Idol’s interns will realize that the video link to the performances on the American Idol page says “What the performances again” (yes, I typed that correctly).
Wheat:
Hey. Where’s your boyfriend? He’s gone isn’t he? Yeah, mine too. That little tart Hailey slinked on the piano, dismounted the thing with the grace of a baby bird leaving the nest for the first time, and then finished her delivery of a sassy, jazzy version of…Benny and the Jets? Yep. The love child of Joan Osborne and Natasha Bedingfield found her sweet spot and created “a moment” for herself. Good for her. Goooooood fooooor her.
Do you hear that sound? That’s the sound of Randy back-peddling faster than Seacretin after announcing that his boyfriend’s name is Julian. He means Julianne! Julianne Hough, the female country singer/Dancing with the Stars champion! What were you thinking? The back-peddling is because Pia gave Randy the big middle finger and went with “Don’t Think I’m Not Gonna Sing Whatever The Hell I Want Let The Sun Go Down On Me.” It was another ballad, not something up-tempto, and she sang it so well that she made The Old Lady cry inside. Not the gentle cry of a few tears, but the howling ugly cry, contorted face and all. Oh, that’s how she normally looks? I see…
Our disembodied, back from the dead, gingerbread head got a beard trim. Nope. Still not talking about Ryan’s girlfriend – sheesh! Casey actually trimmed his unruly firebush upon the recommendation from one of the producers that he cut it off so that America can see his face. He didn’t go all the way, but we finally could see that there was something attaching his cranium to his corpus. Fact of the matter is, he picked THE SONG, “Your Song,” and he sang it well. It wasn’t Ewan McGregor in the elephant but it was sweet and heart-felt and that’s exactly how that song should be sung.
Little Lauren ain’t worried about a hot dang thing. She’s so solid in this. I would not be surprised if she Carrie Underwood-ed this entire season. Just you watch. On a related note, this may be our first all female final since season 3.
Chaff
Presented without comment:
What’s that you say, Country Crooner? You picked the only Elton song that had the word “country” in it? You don’t say. Lack of creativity? Check. Safe bet? Not so fast. But our little Crooner add-libbed a “Love you, grandma!” right into the middle of his song the hearts of the elderly ladies across this fine country of ours just melted. Puke. Truth is, every song he sings sounds like every other song he sings which sounds like every song you’ve heard on country radio. So, what happens to him on Idol hardly even matters. He’ll head to Nashville and get a recording contract.
African Earth Mother just booked her job at The Sandals resort in Montego Bay for a season. Good thing, Naima, because America is done with you. Well, except that many will see you on their honeymoon and at some point during your performance of the reggae version of “Sweet Caroline,” Kathy will turn to her new husband Bo, and ask him if he remembers where she’s seen this woman before. He will take a sip of his piña colada, slap his hand against his thigh, turn to Kathy and say “I don’t know, babe.” Kathy will continue to wonder about this as Diana DeGarmo joins Naima on the stage for a rousing rendition of “When You Believe.”
What’s a male diva called? A divo? Well, folks. Our resident over-singer Jacob went full-on D-I-V-O last night. He was just standing there in the middle of the stage singing “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word” as the building crashed down around him, people fled the theater, stars exploded in the sky as our divo manned the stage like the captain of the Titanic.
Remember Michigan J. Frog? Okay, Stefano is my Michigan J. Frog. I carry him around in a shoe box and when it’s just me and him, he comes out with gleaming smile, his top hat and cane and just puts on a show! And then I put him back in his shoe box and take him to The Old Lady, Venus from the Block and the Dawg, and he just sits there. I even try to take him to a bar and show the locals what he can do so maybe I can get some free drinks and still, nothing. He’s infuriatingly inconsistent! I fear Stefano will always be Almost Famous.
Where does one find a rose-covered suit, an Elvis-impersonator’s garage sale? He’s like a magician with his bright white Julia Roberts smile, and his fake tan and his perfectly placed hair: look over here so you don’t see what’s going on over here which is the slow murder of your ears. Again, I just can’t with this guy.
TOE-TOUCH! I have been momentarily rendered speechless.
How do you solve a problem like Megia? She is a woman-child. Poor thing thinks she has to prove herself by singing songs that are much, much older than she is. I get it, I guess. She’s a bebe but doesn’t want to seem like the goofy, awkward girl who can’t walk in heels (she can’t) in a world of hardened performers who have been dropping CD’s at studios for years and performing in Coffee Plantations all over Los Angeles. Doesn’t work. Never has. Is Randy Jackson married? I noticed a ring. Anyhoo…
As the house boy band returned to the mansion, all but one sharing a knowing look before retreating to their respective rooms, Casey sat alone in the quiet and darkened kitchen. He knows. He knows they are all plotting against him. He knows that for the rest of this competition, he has a target on his back. But he also knows that tonight, he did it. He did it. He picks himself up from the table, gives props to the Taylor Hicks in the sky, and retires to his room to sing another day.
Bottom Three: Thia Megia, Stefano, Naima
UPDATE/SPOILER ALERT: Well that wasn’t a surprise. Our bird of paradise, Naima, and baby bird, Thia Megia, flew away tonight. Remember, if you love something, VOTE FOR IT ON AMERICAN IDOL or it will die a slow death of a reality TV star.
This is the true story of five All-Stars, picked to cook on an island, work together, and have their lives taped. To find out what happens when people stop being polite and start being total culinary douchebags… you should probably keep reading.
It’s been such a long journey to the finale that we could just mise en plotz! But before we do, it’s time to crown Top Chef’s first ever “Best Chef of All the Chefs Who Proved Not to Be the Best in Other Seasons,” and before we do that, we need a little background on the season that was.
The season started with 18 chefs, but the combination of too much salt and too much crazy quickly whittled the contenders down to the five (it was supposed to be four, but apparently, no one sucked enough to get booted, which was super convenient considering how many episodes were left in the season!) who’d be going on to the finals in the Bahamas:
In this corner, we have the itch you can’t scratch, the rash that refuses to go away, the houseguest that won’t leave, Tiffany “I’m From Beaumont, Bitches” Derry!
In this corner, weighing in at five-foot-awesome with three ounces of pot, we have Antonia Lofaso, Purveyor of Perfect Food, Champion (well, 4th place) of Chi-Town, Tigress of the Toque! (And the toke, too!)
In this corner, hailing all the way from Fraggle Rock, the Selcouth of the South, the Chicken Pot Pie Perfecter, the Spectacle in Spectacles, Carla “Hootie Hoo” Hall!
And in this corner, weighing 145 pounds…more than he did last season, the Robber of Recipes, the Beast from the East, Mike “I’m with stunad” Isabella!
And, in the center of it all, stands the Lord of Liquid Nitrogen, Atlanta’s own Jimmy Neutron, the super-flammable Richard Blais!
From L to R: Tiffany, Richard, Mike, Antonia, and Carla
Of course, only two would remain standing for the finale, and after cooking for Bohemian royalty, rocking out with their conchs out, and cooking last suppers for some lusty chefs, MikeyNeck “Jersey Douche” Isabella and Richard “When did he become such a dick?” Blais emerged victorious. Let the games begin!
Gratuitous Padma Shot
The big challenge is essentially a mini-variation on Restaurant Wars: Cook the four-course meal of your life and put it on the menu of a pretend restaurant with a pretend name even though you’re serving it at a real restaurant with a real name. The two cheftestants immediately get to discussing which of the previously ousted chefs they would take on as sous chefs and writing slanderous comments about them in their Burn Book. After a few games of MASH and doing each other’s hair, they discuss their super secret strategies for the competition, because nothing screams “brilliant competitors” like discussing your plan with your opponent. (Although, to be fair, if they didn’t, Mike would’ve just stolen Blais’s from his notebook anyway.) Mike immediately declares that he would bang choose Jenn Carroll, because despite her crazy blowouts and monumental exit, she’s still hot a great chef. As it turns out, Blais too wants Jenn C, though not necessarily in a sexual way, as well as Angelo, also not necessarily in a sexual way.
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter who they think is awesome, because they’re forced to choose blind: each previously ousted chef’s amuse bouche is laid out before them, and they are to choose their teammates based on whose bouche amuses them the most. Mike is pretty blatant about simply attempting to pick out which one is Jenn’s (and which one isn’t Marcel’s) but the static generated by Blais’s hair interrupts their BFF connection and Mike ends up with three non-Jenn ladies, in the forms of Tiffani, Jamie, and Carla. (H/T to Psshwhatever for her brilliant and oh-so-telling tweet: “Funny that Mike always denigrates the female chefs and then just picked 3 of them, blind, based only on their food to help him.”) Blais gets a little closer to his original wishlist, successfully selecting Angelo in addition to Spike and Antonia. As Marcel leaves, everyone breathes a collective sigh of relief and toasts his departure with champagne and an impromptu dance party.
Now comes the important part: naming their restaurants. Blais, ever-the-whimsical (as he’ll be the first to tell you in a super serious voice as he comes close to tears and is clearly on the verge of vomiting), selects “Tongue & Cheek” as his restaurant’s name, which is both cute and kinda gross. Mike, in tribute to his youth, names his “Restaurant Iz,” after what we can only assume is his pre-op moniker.
Source: Videogum. Obviously.
On to the menus! Over on Team Iz, Mikey’s Angels’ suggestions are being roundly ignored by Captain Douche, who knows exactly what he wants: chocolate vinaigrette, plus some other stuff. Team Blais, on the other hand, is “ultra-collaborative” from the minute that tank of liquid nitrogen is opened. Blais’s plan is a protein explosion of sorts, to be capped off with a delicious Cap’n Crunch ice cream–wait, what’s that? I’m sorry, we’ve just gotten word from the godawful-decisions portion of Blais’s brain that he’ll be replacing Cap’n Crunch ice cream with foie gras ice cream instead. Fantastic. No chance that’ll turn out disgusting and lead all the judges to vomit on camera. None at all.
Enter Tom, who informs Mike that no one saw him getting into the finale. Like, nobody. His own mother is surprised that he has any skill. Shockingly, he has no such words for Blais, who’s pretty much been the favorite since before the cast was even announced. Now exit Tom, because it’s time for judging!
The cheftestants are set up at two different restaurants, each one with its own panel of judges. (Don’t worry—they’ll switch when they’re done!) Padma is captain of the blue team, which consists of legendary chefs Lydia Bastianich and Hubert Keller plus another guy who just so happens to be the man behind all the ridiculously unsubtle wine product placement. They begin at Tongue & Cheek and are treated to Blais’s “surf ‘n turf” menu which consists of:
Raw oyster with crème fraiche pearls
Raw hamachi with fried veal sweetbreads, garlic mayonnaise, and pickled celery
Pork belly, black cod cutlet, bone marrow, beets, Brussels sprouts, and kumquat
Beef short ribs with mushrooms, red cabbage marmalade, and celery root horseradish puree
Foie gras ice cream with cornbread and whipped mango
The dining went well, and we saw the judges thoroughly enjoying the food. You know who else saw them enjoying the food? Top Chef’s own Spike “Mata Hari” Mendelssohn, aka Spy-ke, who eavesdropped on the judges comments with all the subtlety of Ke$ha while rocking one of his trademark Carmen Sandiego fedoras. However, his skills as a dick secret agent proved to be extremely useful, as he convinced Richard to fix up his revamped dessert to make it look a little more fit for a fancy feast instead of just looking like Fancy Feast.
At the same time, Tom and his crew—Gail Simmons, Art Smith, and host of the upcoming Top Chef Masters and all-around hot guy Curtis Stone are being served Mike’s Italian-influenced menu (did you know Mike was Italian? In other shocking news, Tiffany’s from Beaumont) of:
Spiced beets with mozzarella truffle and chocolate vinaigrette
Halibut with kumquat marmalade, cauliflower puree, and pancetta crumbs
Glazed pork shoulder with pepperoni sauce(!), roasted cabbage, and turnips
Rosemary caramel custard and pine nuts with citrus, celery, and apple
After catching their breath from multiple foodgasms, the judges took their place at the judgement table that totally hides the fact that they are wearing pajama pants. The judges had high praise for nearly all the food, which is especially meaningful for Mike because it is the first time he has actually pleased a woman. Gail admits to bathing in Mike’s pepperoni sauce because it makes her skin glow and rack huge. Tom can barely contain himself, exclaiming to Richard, “Hachi machi! That was some great hamachi!”
It’s time for the big announcement and friends and family gather around for the results. Noticeably absent was Richard’s wife who was only moments away from giving birth to a fauxhawk. Fortunately, Mike’s wife, who is 69 times more attractive than he should be able to get, could make it because she refuses to spawn with Mike as giving birth to a child who inherits his neck-size is not a risk she is willing to take. Channeling her inner-Seacrest, Padma pauses dramatically before revealing who will win the 200,000 Buitoni raviolis. The winner is… RICHARD BLAIS! Mikey rolls his eyes, Richard tears up, Antonia smiles with a blunt between her lips, Padma and Gail make out, Tom and Tre rub each others bald heads, and Carla runs around in a circle screaming “Beeeeeeeeef Tongue.”
And so, another season of Top Chef comes to an end. Blais can finally emerge from the padded cell where he’s spent the past two-and-a-half years in his rocking chair, contemplating his loss, and Mike and his wife can finally consummate their marriage, much to her chagrin. But, since only Blais leaves the show with a prize, we think it only fair that Mike at least get a musical sendoff, and so, from one New Jersey-ite to another… goodbye, JD. You truly did go down in a blais of glory.
DahlELama and The_Obvious both wanted Richard to win, but, more importantly, wanted Mike to lose. They hope that Carla will one day get her own show, preferably a variety hour featuring humorous skits, whimsical songs, and animal guests. They wish Antonia many happy snacks and choose never to think about Tiffany again.
During its nearly five-year storied history, Twitter has remained steadfast in its commitment to bringing the best…or just bringing 140 character expressions from individuals around the world. The Twitterverse is filled with eclectic characters and contemporary celebrities who have filled the ether with their random thoughts on life, love and luxury.
In this weekly series, Danzing and Dancing Queen will risk brain cells and credibility scouring the Twitterscape to bring you the best of Twitter. We will then perform dramatic recitations of these tweets for your listening pleasure. Please, enjoy.
Some of the items we use everyday come in a staggering array of choices from the downright affordable to the laughably expensive. Let’s look at the most expensive and least expensive item in some common categories of items you might buy.
Production Automobile
The lease expensive new car in the US is the Hyundai Accent GL. You can pick one up for $10,735 or less if you’re a master haggler. It comes with a 100,000 mile powertrain warranty and those old fashioned cranks that let you roll the windows up and down even when the car is off. It’s a 2 door hatchback that will zip you along with all 110 of its horses.
The Bugatti Veyron on the other hand will set you back $1.7M. That’s roughly 158 times the cost, but you do get ten times the horsepower. The Veyron does have power windows and a dual automated manual transmission that shifts faster than any person could ever hope to get the clutch down and the lever thrown.
Median Single Family Detached Home Price
When you’re looking for a place to park your Hyundai Accent there is no more fitting place than the lowest priced metropolitan statistical area to buy your dream home, Youngstown, OH. The median price of a plot of land with a roof over your head in 2010 was $67,200. Before all you fancy NYC people tell me about how you can’t buy a doormat for that much, this is for single family detached homes so condos, coops, townhouses and other attached structures don’t count. Real Americans have a yard to mow and live in the heartland.
If you want to get your Veyron to the most expensive place to buy a home you’ll need to have it shipped by boat, unless you own an airplane that can accommodate a super-car. Honolulu, HI has a median home price of $607,000 which is down considerably from the peak of the housing bubble. You’ll get to live on Oahu, go surfing, complain about the people from the mainland and maybe become a private detective in your fancy sports car.
High Definition Television
Everyone has a HDTV already right? If you’re one of the holdouts and you’re going shopping then be prepared for a confusing number of options. If you’re starting at the low end though and want to make sure every room in your mansion is stocked with a HDTV then you’ll want to head on down to budget street and pick up a Coby 15″ LCD TV for a very modest $84. Sure the colors are washed out, the screen is tiny and the remote only has 4 buttons, but it’s not like you’re going to be watching Blu-ray movies on this thing.
But nothing goes with your lifestyle quite like the PrestigeHD Supreme. This 55″ television is literally encrusted with diamonds and accented with alligator skin. It will set you back $2.2M. I’m sure The Donald is the target market for this gaudy beast. Now, if you want to find a TV that your local electronics retailer can sell you then the most expensive is the Pioneer 60″ Kuro class for $5,995.
Production Motorcycle
In your leisure time you probably like to get out and feel the wind in your hair and the bugs in your teeth. For that you’re going to need a motorcycle. If you’re looking for something that gets great mileage and has a name you’ve never heard of then you can’t go wrong with the cheapest bike, the American Lifan LF 200 Sphinx. This Chinese made machine sells for $2,095. It has a top speed of 75 MPH and can only carry 330 pounds so check the scale and speed limit before you head out to look for a dealer.
You’re probably not the kind of person who likes to limit their potential so you may want to look at the Ecosse Titanium Series RR Limited Edition instead. As the name implies this motorcycle makes use of titanium everywhere it can. Titanium is a very strong yet light metal often used in aircraft. Other areas use carbon fiber to reduce weight. All of this gives the rider a great power to weight ratio for the bike’s 200 horsepower engine. If you have $275,000 laying around and a need to impress bike-geeks then meet your new ride. It should be noted that the Dodge Viper inspired V10 does cost more, but was never a production bike.
Elements, of the Periodic Kind
All this talk about titanium makes one wonder what element can you pick up on a budget and which one should you dream about hoarding. Sure you can go grab a hand full of dirt or breathe in some air, but what if you want your stuff pure? At $0.20 per gram, calcium is the most affordable and has the added benefit of not killing you on contact like some less friendly elements.
But the most expensive element is something you might find in a nuclear reactor. Californium-252 was forced into existence at the University of California, Berkeley in 1950. It’s thought to perhaps exist in nature but nobody is sure. If you want to buy some (you probably can’t buy it) it will cost you $1,000,000,000 per gram.
One vastly overlooked career path for mothers looking to re-enter the workforce: rock star/celebrity handlers. Although toddlers may seem so cute and innocent (mostly when asleep) the parallels to the archetypal out-of-control artist are uncanny; and perhaps enough to make even Pete Doherty blush.
Substance Abuse
Artists of all stripes have had historical struggles with the bottle or the needle and as their handler you’ll be expected to help them score and definitely provide damage control once they’re high. OK, most toddlers are only addicted to bottles of the BPA-free variety. But they are often high on life, and the frightening part of this is you can’t pack them off to rehab for that. As a matter of course toddlers tend to stumble, slur, and drool under the influence of absolutely nothing at all, and find endless amusement in things like spinning in place till they hit their heads on the kitchen floor. Like girls gone wild, they’ll disrobe at a moment’s fancy. Often in public. Nor have they ever seen a fountain or body of water that doesn’t irresistibly beckon. And unfortunately, like the most hardcore drunks, will often wet the bed and slumber on. Not to mention you’re also already familiar with the stealth puke, which happens with alarming frequency, and will come in very handy with budding Mama Casses and bulimic starlets.
Toddlers don’t need the aid of foreign substances to channel Britney and cut off all of their hair with blunt scissors, but there are the times when sugar definitely contributes to the daily mayhem. Anyone who has ever witnessed a group of under-5’s mainlining undiluted juice boxes will have experienced the frisson of terror that one might encounter say, when addicts meet very pure heroin. No one can tell me sugar is not a drug and I’ve seen the ugly things toddlers will do under the influence: the shriveled foil hull of a verboten chocolate Easter egg discarded behind the sofa, the tell-tale blue tongue of the secret jelly-bean huffer, the incessant whine of the Oreo addicted. Even when you’ve forsworn all snacks of the evaporated-cane-juice variety, there will always be a playground groupie who will help junior cop from some unsuspecting mom. The playground fanbase feeds the sugar junkie’s already inflated ego, finding his antics charming and funny. They don’t get to see the ensuing meltdown once your homeboy gets back to his crib. But if you do have to score drugs in your new gig you’ll know how to play it to get maximum advantage. Like a lollipop will get your kid through the supermarket checkout line, a handful of Vicodin will get your client through the interview. Just don’t be caught holding and keep it out of the tabloids.
Artistic Expression
Like miniature Jackson Pollocks, toddlers are the ultimate free spirits. Gargantuan ids trapped in tiny bodies yearning to break free, expose their innermost souls, jam Legos into the DVD player. Everything is art, if you cannot see the beauty in random piles of salt or juice as medium and the kitchen floor as canvas then you might as well be the Man. It is a fine line to walk, however, as you already know. In your new gig you’ll want to strive to be more the Patti Boyd type of muse, even though you’re Yoko at home. Also, when the work is pure crap (it is little-known and overlooked fact that even Basquiat had a brief, and misunderstood, macaroni period), you already know how to assuage the most sensitive of egos. “I’m sorry you didn’t get the Grammy, but hey, good job! I got you a sticker, I mean, a hooker!”
One of the first battles waged by toddlers in ther epic quest for self–expression revolves around clothing. Once they demand to dress themselves they, like rock stars, are known for their quirky sartorial sense—the intensity of a four-year-old girl’s relationship with sparkle is enough to make Lady Gaga look Amish—and often the end result, replete with the requisite bruises and scrapes that come with a burgeoning sense of balance, is pretty much the way Amy Winehouse looks on any given day. You already know how to roll with the flow here and you won’t even have to make public excuses that your new charge was dressed by Dad that morning.
The Truth Hurts
Like toddlers, rock stars and artistes are often known for their lack of social filters, they’ll say whatever they want and be adored and despised for it. As the handler, you’ll be doing damage control here too. Fortunately you’re also prepared for this. When your new charge gets into the inevitable tiff with Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan, you’ll know what to say to smooth things over. Well, honey, Paris didn’t mean to steal your Greek shipping magnate boyfriend, can you say you’re sorry for running her over in the parking lot? Baby, remember friends share so can you give Lindsay some of your eightball? She shared her Oxycontin with you last week, remember? Let’s use our sharing and our inside-the-VIP-section voices.
Hangin’ with the Roadies
You will have no trouble relating to the lads as you are already intimately familiar with Newton’s little-known fourth law of motion: an inverse equation whereby the smaller a person in motion is, the more items they suck into their tiny vortex.
Let’s face it: P-Funk’s real mothership is pretty much any Suburban on the road with baby on board. Diapers, wipes, tissues, snacks, bottles, formula, drinks (in the princess cup), antibacterial gel, Epi pen, hats, mittens, scarves, coats, boots, crayons, books, toys, car seats, DVDs, changes of clothing, portable potty, sling, stroller, rain cover, sunscreen, bug repellant, blankets. Ah, what the hell, throw in a forty-foot inflatable pig, go on. Just don’t be smug because your last trip to Target didn’t disrupt flights out of Heathrow and the roadies will embrace you as one of their own.
Trashing the Hotel Room
A two-year-old in the middle of the terribles can make Courtney Love look like Martha Stewart. Doubters may wonder: how can something so small do so much damage? Think Ebola, my friend. They may be pint-sized but they are preternaturally determined to have their willful way–not to mention freakishly strong. For instance, anything that can fit, and a few things that can’t, will end up in the toilet (and that’s not even with the hotel dicks on your trail). So maybe your fancypants college degree didn’t quite prepare you for picking dried spaghetti off the ceiling, but at least in your new gig you’ll be paid for having to deal with the chaos, and, even better, paying off others to clean up the mess. Just carry a wad of $20s like you carried Wet Ones and use them with the same frequency. Clean up, clean up, everybody, everywhere!
Just remember a mom would never let you expire on the toilet (I’m talking to you, Colonel Parker) and if you did you can be sure we’d at least put in you in clean underwear before the press got wind of it. Don’t be fooled: beneath that snot-swiped sweater beats the heart of a rock ’n’ roll warrior.
What does a lesbian bring on a third date? A moving van.
Despite never having been party to anything involving ladyparts, I found myself this past June, if there is a kernel of truth in this joke, in a very lesbianic situation. The difference being that the moving van I rolled up in to my third date with Boyfriend was one that would take me some 3,400 miles and an ocean away from him to London. Mind you, he wasn’t boyfriend at the time, and we had an agreement to live our own lives after I moved away (I mean, it had only been 3 dates to that point), but as time went by we realized, even across the miles, that we wanted to be together, even if we were apart. Ten years of dating in New York City and I meet the love of my life 30 days before I leave. Fuck you, irony.
People always ask me: Isn’t it hard? Once I’ve reigned in my desire to throttle them while screaming “OF COURSE IT IS, YOU HALFWIT! DO YOU THINK BEING 3,000 MILES AWAY FROM THE MAN I LOVE IS FUN?!” I tend to reply “We make it work.”
And we do. Modern technology has made life for the long distance couple much easier, and we take full advantage of every possible tool available to us.
These things make it easier, not easy, which is an important distinction. If you’re going to be wading into a long distance relationship, there’s one thing you have to ask yourself before committing to long periods of emotional and sexual frustration, spending your days wishing your significant other was there, holding your own hand at the movies and trying to coordinate phone calls across time zones: Would I rather have this person, thousands of miles away, knowing that they’re really the one for me and that I’m willing to face some really difficult stuff to have them, or would I rather look for someone who I can see every day and touch whenever I need/want.
If you can honestly say that you’d rather hear “I Love You” from this guy/gal over a long distance line than look for something else that lives in your major metropolitan area, then you’d best read on and familiarize yourself with your Long Distance Love Toolkit, Crosby, Stills & Nash be damned.
1) Skype: Reliable online chat and video chat between free Skype account holders, now also available on iPhones and other smartphones. Using Skype only allows you to chat for free with other Skype users who are online, and allows you to make calls to any phone number from your computer or using the app at rates dependent on where you’re calling. Using it on a smartphone will tear through your data, but you can’t beat Skype for online video chatting for when you need to see your honey’s face, stare at each other longingly, or have a little cyberscrump. Skype also allows you to purchase a US phone number which will ring to your computer/app no matter where you are in the world. Buying a Skype number has, however, pretty much been rendered obsolete by the free service offered by:
2) TextFree: Textfree, while not the most reliable app in the world (the “Sorry, our servers are down” message has made me curse at my phone in public on many occasions), is still a Godsend. The app assigns you a free dedicated US phone number that uses your data network to transmit text. So instead of each of us paying 25 to 50 cents per text, you can text all day long for free. Happily, in November, Textfree added voice service – anyone in the US can call your Textfree number as though they were calling a US mobile. It will eat through your data as quickly as Skype – so try to get to on a wireless network before taking the calls – but I found that calls on my Textfree number are easier to pick up (Textfree takes about 8 seconds to pick up; Skype takes about 20, and by then you’ve likely missed the call) and are of great quality. Calling out will cost you, but I don’t know how much, because I make all outgoing calls with:
3) 1899: 1899 is an indispensable service for anyone in Europe calling the States. I didn’t realize until I moved how much Sorkin-esque walk and talk made up my days, and being able to do it for 1p per minute while power-mincing around London is so much more time-efficient than waiting until I’m home every night. You register with the service and calls from your registered landline or mobile numbers are 1p per minute to any number in the States (cost of calls to other countries varies). This particularly useful for when there’s an emergency or a need to talk immediately and you can’t wait to get home to your computer or landline. This will use your mobile minutes (but saves your precious data) so be sure your plan has enough to account for your international calling.
4) Apple’s iMovie: This is a handy way to see each other in spite of time zone issues. When Boyfriend and I know we’re not going to get a chance to Skype (or when we just want to be overly sweet), we’ll make short iMovies and email them to each other. A lot of the time he’ll make one for me before he goes to bed, so it’s waiting for me when I wake up, and I volley one to him before I leave for work, so he wakes up to me. This can be done in total from an iPhone 4 as well, which is great for mid-day messaging. It’s a nice alternative to email, and it’s equally good for being a little dirty when you want.
5) YouTube: A nice way to make emails a bit more interesting. Google “Long Distance Love Songs” and send a video along with any given email. I recommend starting with Snow Patrol’s “Set the Fire to the Third Bar”. You’re welcome.
6) Hand-Written Love Letters: All this technology is great, but old school romanticism is the stuff that melts me like a Cadbury Creme Egg in a cast iron skillet. Emails and videos can’t hold a candle to finding a hand-written love letter waiting for you after a long day. And it doesn’t have to just be letters – for extra adorableness (seriously, I fucking love this man), Boyfriend takes and prints photos of Hearts he sees graffiti’d around New York and writes love letters on the back of them, like personalized postcards. *Swoon*
More important than how you’re able to keep in touch with your Sweetie is setting some guidelines to keep you both from going insane. Obviously these will be different for each couple, but here are the rules Boyfriend and I have to make sure we both keep our heads on straight:
Never part without having plans for the next time you will see each other. This not only gives you something to look forward to, but removes the uncertainty that can destroy a long distance relationship. Setting a maximum for time apart (we don’t go longer than 8 weeks, no matter what) helps as well, though may not be realistic depending on your finances and the cost of getting to each other.
Have a Long Term Plan. No one can carry on like this forever. As much as I love him, I couldn’t see myself living 3,000 miles away from him forever and being happy with that. The “with” is the most important part of “Spending your life with someone”. Even if it’s a few years off, talk about where and when you will ultimately be together. It will remove some of the futility you might start to feel creeping in.
Get Comfortable With ______ Sex. Phone, Cyber, text, video… you name it, you’ll soon be engaging in it. When you’re monogamous and the object of your affection is far away, getting off with each other means taking to the spoken word, the webcam, the digital cam… essentially utilizing any and all of the tools above to get dirty with each other. AT&T’s now-defunct instruction to “Reach out and Touch Someone” will take on new meaning. Embrace it. It only feels weird the first few times.
Talk to Each Other About Your Frustrations. You’re in it together. You’re both going to get upset. You’re both going to be tempted. You’re both going to question it. Be honest. Be supportive. Talking about your frustrations will help you find a way to deal with them together. This includes airing your jealousy and insecurity – passive aggressive behaviour and jealousy are relationship killers when can read each other’s moods in person; when you’re separated by distance they lead to resentment, infidelity and misery.
Enjoy Your Time Together. We are not allowed to fight when we’re in the same city. We have limited time together, so we enjoy every second. No arguing. If one of us is angry, we put it out there immediately and calmly deal with it. Don’t waste your precious time together with bullshit. Have as much sex as possible, hold hands as much as possible, appreciate that the person you’re sitting with has worked as hard as you at this and must really love you to put up with the same obstacles that you have.
Good luck to my fellow long distance lovers out there (particularly our newly-minted long distance Crasstalk couple). And if anyone asks you “Isn’t that hard?” I hope this helps you be able to truthfully respond “We make it work.”
