television

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Where Are They Now? “Wonder Years” Edition

By DahlELama and The_Obvious

Debuting in 1988, The Wonder Years ran for six seasons; there would have been a 7th, but the actors walked out because you sang out of key. Way to go, buttheads. As it happens, The Wonder Years holds special meanings for the two of us, as Kevin and Winnie, who (spoiler alert!) ultimately ended up apart, were actually two of the first loves of our young lives. Find out what happened to them and the rest of the cast with a little help from your friends! (Your friendship was implied when you signed our yearbooks even though you just wrote “best wishes” and “have a neat summer.”) Continue reading →

Wonder Woman: What’s in a Costume?

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Can a costume be the harbinger of doom? Yes, yes it can. The costume is the first introduction to the superhero. It’s the “Hello, hi, nice to meet you. I’m here to kick your ass.” moment of clarity.  It is that defining split-second that reassures the audience that they’re in capable hands, that all is right with the world, and that in no way is shiny plastic wearable or should be seen outside of a garbage scow under the Verrazano Bridge.


Well, we would be mistaken on that last part, apparently.

Behold what the makers of the Wonder Woman television reboot think is acceptable for an iconic super maven.  Uh, yeah. If your first question isn’t, “Who went to Party City and got one of those all-in-one Halloween costume packs that said SUPERHERO GIRL on the front?” then stop reading this, get up right now, and beat yourself about the head with a roll of pork, and then come back.

This is serious business. How could anyone look at those electric cerulean blue, Euro-technotronic pants and not say “Rave in Prague“, or “Extra in a Saw Movie?”  I couldn’t imagine anything worse had they wrapped her legs in dung and cellophane.

I get the thinking. I do really. They wanted to get away from the revealing booty-short Lynda Carter wore in the 1970’s original. I would assume the booty-short was thought to be overly sexualized, and probably not what would be considered acceptable in today’s more conservative times. Huh? Well, that would certainly explain retaining the bodacious bustier then, right? Because that is clearly not sexualized in any way. No, not at all. A red bursting bustier is just the epitome of Amish chic. But okay fine, if you want to do pants, if that is a necessity, then how about you not make them look like the cheapest pair of pantaloons ever created, eh? And even Adrianne Palicki isn’t so convinced this is a good idea. Look at her face! That face doesn’t say, “Wonder Woman, hear me roar.” It says, “I’m not fire-resistant.”

This does not bode well for the reboot. Aside from reports that David E. Kelley’s version of the show will turn the superheroine into some weepy Ally McBeal-esque faction, complete with angst and odd-ball characteristics, now it looks like we can’t even depend on a decent costume to save the show. Those of us who would like to check it out to see for ourselves are fearful of what the David E. Kelley Plastic-Legged Wonder Woman, on NBC, the ruiner of most things on television, will bring to the table in concept, writing, and effects. See how much rides on a good costume?

After all, the right costume has made or broken a heroine.


If you’re talking about slinky, sexy, cunning, and just a tad bit vulnerable, then these classic incarnations of Catwoman make the grade every time. A black catsuit and a mask was all this minx needed. In a boy’s world whenever these sirens popped up on screen they stole the show and took hold of the story just by their presence. Whether or not the new Wonder Woman will join their ranks remains to be seen. Doubtful.


Conversely, if a terrible costume is any indication of what the movie itself will produce, then the recent offerings of Catwoman and Elektra should be fair warning to any and all that attempt to step into the realm of crime fighter. I think it’s actually been proven that if the first stills come out and the costume receives bad reviews then so goes the movie. I can remember both responses to these as being pretty abysmal, and yup, the movies stunk up the screen like a festering bowl of rotten eggs hidden under the ass of a baboon.

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Once you start getting into the realm of flash and you leave simplicity behind, the total embodiment of the project can become campy and cartoonish, and the easiest identifier is a costume that just doesn’t work, or worse takes itself too seriously, and possibly too literally.

If the whole point is to add a little humor, and some light-hearted fun to this character, then perhaps something with a little more balance, and a little less eye-gobbling blue, would have been better, and less of a joke. I can’t fathom how this costume will work on any level that isn’t a spoof on the general awfulness of most female superhero costumes. I can see her running awkwardly in this. Urgh. Flying in the now absurdly comical invisible plane. Ooomph. Attempting to talk tough to bad guys. Yeesh.  I cringe….I just cringe.

Let’s just hope there’s something else left to salvage about this television reboot (Cary Elwes and Elizabeth Hurley joining the cast! No, that’s probably not it.), and that burning that costume is as easy as it looks. If nothing else, NBC, take a look at what GeekNative.com found! Not great, but better! At least it doesn’t make me want to punch your design guys with a booty-short, well, until I think about David E. Kelley, and then that itch returns. Stupid.

[Top Image via The Daily Telegraph]

Game Over, Man! Big Love Post-Mortem

HBO has finally parted ways with its polygamy-based show about love, faith, duty, sharing, and some other spiraled into crazy things that mostly left us shaking our heads and wondering whether it was worth it, and undoubtedly, why it was that we watched this show for five seasons.

When the show first debuted, before TLC’s bandwagon-hopping with their romantic comedy called Sister Wives, and the real life situation regarding Warren Jeffs, and most recently the removal of several compound children by Child Protective Services (Yoikes! So much ewwww.), this little show settled in to test the American view of family. What it means. And what sorts of limits we put on our own feelings, our jealousies, our acceptances, sex, and lastly, commitment. Over the course of five seasons many questions were raised about all of these themes. Did the final season and the finale answer most of them? [Stop reading here, if you’re worried about spoilers.]

Well, yes and no.

No one character escaped persecution or emerged with clean hands at the end of this final season, and each season leading up to the last created more questions than answers about who these three people at the epicenter of Big Love really were.

Nicki: The Puritanical Princess

Nicki, played expertly by Chloë Sevigny, was so wholly unlikable. She was manipulative, mean, nosy, strange, pious, unyielding, and just downright aggravating. Feh! to the absolute max. There were no limits to what she would do to get what she wanted. No amount of sneaky crap she’d conjure to hide her mistakes, and when push came to shove, it was always Nicki who made things ten times worse. Just, urgh. I never, ever, understood how they put up with her. What was the appeal? Her ties to the prophet? Her fashion sense? Her screeching “me, me, me-ing?” At some point, we find out that she was the product of abuses on the compound, and that she’s damaged in a way all the progeny of Roman Grant seemed to be.  This was expected, no? The assumption, I suppose, was to make us feel sorry for her, and create some deeper understanding, mostly to uncover what made her little rabid mind tick. This didn’t help much, but at least it gave us more to focus on other than her scheming and lying…but not much.

Margene: The Child Bride

The little naive starry-eyed nymph was just a little too much poured sugar, right? In effect she was much like a large child. She was often chastised and scolded by Nicki and Barb. And given her youth and vitality, she was often relegated to the “bearer of new fruit” role in the marriage. Just how many babies did Margene have? We finally find out in the season finale when Bill says three. I would have just assumed nine. Seriously, I had no idea. Whenever she went to her house and emerged, a new infant was attached to her body in some way. It’s no wonder the writers decided that not only will Margene be a child, bear children, think like a child, but now Bill also married her when she was sixteen! Brilliant! No, crazy, desperate and a stupid, stupid way to add false-drama to this thing! Why did they do this? As if Margene and all her infomercial oddities weren’t enough to annoy the clapboard off a trailer, now they add statutory rape to the wacky stew, because watching her pout as an adult in every episode just wasn’t enough. We really had no useful purpose for Margene if you can’t tell.

Barb: The Good Wife

Good, kind, forgiving, Barb. Barb was always my favorite. Jeanne Tripplehorn’s take on her was excellent. She never compromised her position in the family, and seemed to be the one with the most growth. She was always reaching to understand herself and what she ultimately wanted out of her life, her faith, and her relationship. She wasn’t a large child like Margene, or a damaged soul like Nicki, the more we came to understand her. Barb was someone who initially didn’t believe in polygamy, but found herself led to it, and then embracing it, perhaps selfishly, perhaps out of necessity. Is this a flaw? Perhaps, but one she tried to carry with grace. Nonetheless, I always thought Barb was too good for Bill, and his weird choices for the other wives. It seemed totally incongruous that Bill would choose the ambitious, independent Barb, and also choose Nicki and Margene, two of the neediest people in his family, next to his children.

Bill: The Fearless Leader

Bill’s a jackass. He’s always been a jackass. He’s a selfish, unforgiving, unfaithful, egotistical blowhard who’s willing to sacrifice just about anyone and everything to preserve the principles he finds important. To two of his wives he’s more father figure than husband. To the one he seemed the most devoted, he sought to diminish her. And let’s not forget Anna, who he basically just had an affair with, wanted to conveniently marry, and then knocked up. Of the four it looks like she, out of them all, came to her senses and backed away from the damaged clan after observing all of their feeble, desperate lives.

Throughout the show it became more evident that Bill was striving to be more and more Roman-like. He wanted to be a prophet in his own way, wheeling and dealing, and trading in on his friends and family in order to create success. In the end, while he rails against Albie, that distorted, sad, little man, Bill has just as much ego, and seeks just as much power to push forth his personal agendas. In his own way, he is Albie but with a different flock of followers.

 

What Did We Learn?

The Power of Three

As much as the focus began to creep away from the three women at the heart of this show, and center more on Bill and his ever reaching wants, the finale brought the focus back to the mother, the purist, and the free spirit. By the end, they are all drifting in new directions, two away from the confines of the family, and one attempting to gain what she always desired, more significance, and a step out of Barb’s shadow, but with her blessing. The scene where Nicki tells her big revelation to Barb that she knows she’s difficult is hilarious in that, we along with Barb, are saying, “I know.” And Margene, the oddly constructed dreamer, is finding what she was searching for, growth outside the family, but still maintaining her roots within it. And finally Barb now fully embracing and accepting her new role as priesthood holder and leader, can rely more on Nicki to run the home, without usurping the other in Bill’s eyes.

The Kids Are Alright

George Clooney returns to ER Sarah returns happy with baby in tow. Ben and Heather have worked out their fidelity issues and have married, sans Rhonda. No sign of Teeny, but we’re probably to assume that she like her siblings are thriving and doing well, and probably not embracing the tenants of polygamy, because just why would they put themselves through that again? There’s no word of what’s happening with Margene’s nine children now that she looks like a pixie and is sailing on the Carnival Cruise Peace Corp, but mostly we’re supposed to infer that they’re being raised by Nicki as if Marge were a wayward teen mother who’s now off to college.

Someone Pays Bill’s Check

Because HBO likes sudden, unexpected, surreal deaths (See: Omar and The Wire), Bill doesn’t die the way anyone could have predicted, at the hands of Albie, or in a car crash while singing hymns, or from a massive heart attack while on the Senate floor, no he’s killed in a random, odd way. Some neighbor has just had enough, you see? Enough of people doing things for him, like sodding his front yard. That’s as good a reason as any. So Bill is shot, and he’s now looking over his friends and family, including his mother and father who’ve gone to the great beyond like a scene from James Cameron’s Titanic, and the neighborhood he changed with his three connecting houses, two cats in the yard, yadda, yadda, and a dream of polygamous acceptance.

A Clean Finish

All in all, I don’t regret sticking with it to see where it would go. The show brought us some colorful characters, and a lot of interesting moments. Do I think the show spun out of control a bit? Yes. In the same way Weeds has driven off the side of a cliff and into a landfill? No. Was there more than a little light shed on the Mormon faith, the abuses that reside in some of these compounds, and the intricacies of polygamy. For a layman, perhaps. But for someone living the life, I’m sure Big Love barely scratched the surface. Which is to say that in the end, for all that has occurred and was brought forth in five seasons, I think Big Love’s ending was a bit too tidy. Those lingering questions and sturm and dang that went along with living the polygamous lifestyle were neatly wrapped up. With Bill’s death it seemed that all the family’s troubles including, prosecution, excommunication, ousting from the community… just went away. Poof.  In that regard, I guess you can say everything really was all Bill’s fault. Told you.

Where Are They Now: “Charles in Charge” Edition

By DahlELama and The_Obvious

Who’s in charge of you? Well, if you were watching TV in the late 80s, it was probably Charles, the last-name-less caretaker of the Powell family on the hit TV show Charles in Charge.

But wait! Are you sitting down? Find a seat, we’ll wait. You are about to have your mind BLOWN. Charles was in charge of a different family before the Powells you know and love! That’s right–the original incarnation of Charles in Charge featured Scott Baio babysitting a whole different family…who presumably wasn’t attractive enough to stick it out on network TV. The “Pembrokes” were “displaced” to Seattle, leaving Charles in charge of a whole new household that now consisted the Powell family–Walter, Ellen, Jamie, Sarah, and Alex. And since we know that attractive people the Powells are the only ones who matter, we thought it worthy to check in and see how they were doing over 20 years later.

Scott Baio as Charles

Oh, Scott Baio. Charles. Chachi. You were such a wonderful teen idol, and then… well, actually, we’re still a little unclear on what’s happened to you since then. You certainly had a great start—playing the title character of Bugsy Malone in a cult children’s gangster musical which co-starred Jodie Foster when you were sixteen is so, so much better than anything we could possibly make up for you—but then, weird TV movies, including one based on a Danielle Steele novel? Co-hosting a VH1 show about other former teen idols with not careers? Getting into fights with The Ladyblog That Shall Not Be Named? A reality show based on your relationship failures in life? But oh, Scott Baio, we can’t stay mad at you. For Bob Loblaw, all is forgiven.

 

Willie Aames as Buddence “Buddy” Lembeck

Will.i.Aames was born Albert William Upton in Huntington, CA (sweet name change, brah!) and rapidly became a child star, originating the roles of Leonard Unger on The Odd Couple and Tommy Bradford on Eight is Enough. The only actor to accompany Scott Baio through both phases of the show, Aames took the news that Charles in Charge wouldn’t be trying again with a third, even more attractive family harder than anyone else in the group. He turned toward alcohol and cocaine and away from haircuts. Eventually, he found Jesus (turns out he’d been hiding behind the couch, Peek-a-boo!) and re-invented himself as Bibleman, a Christian superhero who starred in videos and toured the country for nine freaking years (God could have done it in a few days), while also becoming an ordained minister. Recent years hit him hard, and in 2008, he filed for both bankruptcy and divorce from his second wife and attempted to commit suicide. Classy and Aames don’t often go together, but a year later he hosted an estate sale to save his home from foreclosure, a much classier move than Dustin Diamond’s t-shirt and porn sale. Once he’d established himself as a financial mastermind, he became a licensed financial advisor just last year. (We recommend doing the exact opposite of whatever he tells you to do.) Today he now works as a—wait for it—member of the entertainment staff on Oceania Cruise Line, acting as “a social host for daytime and nighttime activities, introducing shows and interacting with guests throughout the day, and he’ll sit with passengers for dinner.”

 

James T. Callahan as Walter Powell

Sadly, the Powell patriarch passed away from esophageal cancer at the age of 76, but not before appearing in every single movie and TV show known to man, including: Dennis the Menace, Perry Mason, Route 66, Twilight Zone, My Favorite Martian, The Fugitive, MASH, The Rockford Files, Bosom Buddies, Lou Grant, Quincy, M.E., Remington Steele, Little House on the Prairie, The A-Team, Knight Rider, Newhart, Growing Pains, Doogie Howser, M.D., Golden Girls, Picket Fences, Caroline in the City, The Practice, ER, and a billion more.


Sandra Kerns as Ellen Powell

Poor Sandra Kerns, forever in the shadow of big sister Joanna Kerns, the Marsha to her Jan. Joanna had already landed her career-making role as Maggie Seaver, blond-haired mom to three (well, eventually four, but does anybody really count Chrissy?) hijinks-filled children, on Growing Pains leaving Sandra to sit in her dark bedroom, decorated the same way since she was a little girl, brushing her hair obsessively, repeating “one day it will be my turn, one day it will be my turn” over and over. Two years later, her time had finally come in the form of Ellen Powell, a blond-haired mom to three hijinks-filled children on Charles in Charge. D’oh. As soon as Charles in Charge ended, Sandra took the advice of her inner demons, and with hairbrush in hand, took off into the mountains, never to be heard from again.

All right, all right, fine. So none of this is true. She’s not even related to Joanna Kerns. The true story is she retired from acting and lives in California with her stuntman husband and two children. But how boring is that? She did lose the bangs and get veneers, though.


Nicole Eggert as Jamie Powell

A picture’s worth a thousand words, so enjoy our 3,000-word summary of Nicole Eggert. Just in case you’re not reading the right words in our pictures, we’ll elaborate: Nicole Eggert is hot. How hot? So hot that she was Miss Universe in the petite division. (Real thing! Not made up!) So hot that she and her boob job starred on Baywatch. So hot that she was briefly engaged to Corey Haim, may he rest in peace. OK, so maybe her weight gain and subsequent participation in Celebrity Fit Club aren’t hot in the traditional sense, but we admire any woman who can address body snark with a serious sense of humor. She is married and expecting her 2nd child to be delivered in slow motion this summer.

 

Josie Davis as Sarah Powell

No one really looked twice at bossy, brainy Sarah on Charles in Charge, but then again, no one really expected that she’d turn out to be super hot with a bangin’ body. Fortunately for America, the visionary Aaron Spelling looked past the metaphorical glasses-and-a-ponytail and cast Josie Davis as Camille, the very last foil on the way to David and Donna’s happily ever after in the last season of Beverly Hills, 90210. Ultimately, Davis was no match for being the daughter of the show’s creator the beautiful Donna, but Spelling did cast her in one more show called Titans before dying and leaving Davis to forge a career on her own. When trying to find out what she’s currently up to, we told Josie “Pics or it didn’t happen!” and boy, did she deliver. For a very detailed resume and something to keep you warm at night, head on over to her website and check out a pictorial of her current career.

 

Alexander Polinsky as Adam Powell

If there is one thing we know for certain about Alexander Polinsky, it’s that his leaning-on-chairs skills did not decline with age. Legend has it that on an unseasonably warm September night in an abandoned McDonald’s on the Lower East Side, he defeated AC Slater in a sit-off.  (AC met his demise when Alex exploited his inability to properly sit in a forward-facing position.) Alex was young when he began his work on Charles in Charge so to keep him busy between takes, the director handed him some Elmer’s glue and popsicle sticks. Crew members were floored when he made a perfectly scaled replica of the Great Pyramids. Alex finessed his talents, studying with a masturbator master mold-maker and currently works at a design studio creating movie props while also lending his voice to many cartoons.

 

Ellen Travolta as Lillian

Ellen Travolta, of the Crazy Travoltas, essentially made a living playing Scott Baio’s/Chachi’s mom wherever possible, so when Baio’s career took a dive, that was the end for Lil. Ellen had a rough childhood, her dreams of having long hair constantly dashed as she was repeatedly forced to chop it off to make human-hair wigs for brother John. She currently performs with her husband, Jack Bannon, in a local theater near their vacation home in Idaho. Their most recent production of Cats beat out the all-Baldwin cast of The Sound of Music for the coveted Thea-ater Tot Award.


 

 

DahlELama and The_Obvious were once roadies for a band called Mouserat. Well, they mostly just hung  around the van after gigs and bogarted everyone’s Doritos.

25 Seasons of The Real World — That’ll Do, MTV. That’ll Do.

Well this thing has become trash. And not trash in the way The Jersey Shore is “trash.” There are no misconceptions about what The Jersey Shore is supposed to be. Social experiments aside, The Jersey Shore is about self-aware individuals who are content in their lifestyle, their partying, their day-to-day idiocy and free-for-all antics. It’s not about the meshing, diversity, or growth of the individuals involved. This is what The Real World once brought to the table.

Now the lowest common denominator of themes in reality television has taken root in this once ground-breaking show. All the things that are a quick recipe for ratings — alcohol, partying, sex, and fights, often some variation of all three done simultaneously, are depicted season after season. When we once could predict who could potentially clash due to their backgrounds, faith, sexuality, culture, diversity, values, or loyalties — now it’s just about who gets so drunk that they show themselves to be a supreme dick — or who is so emotionally damaged that it’s a crapshoot whether or not the show will be cathartic, or a trigger for some unpredictable epic meltdown. Unquestioningly, MTV seems more interested in pushing someone to the brink of insanity and less concerned about a dialogue that works to close gaps between people. It’s pretty disheartening to see such a fall of a once prolific show and dare I say the grandfather of all reality shows of its ilk.

What’s Going Wrong?

The people. Yes, it’s the people. No matter what ethnicity or background, MTV has decided that it’s less lucrative to have interesting, dynamic people on the show. Now it’s best to have similar carbon copy clones of the same person just walking around in different skin. Remember how they would spend time unveiling the layers to each person — who had a job, who was in school, what their home life was like, what their hopes, dreams, and fears were? Yes, well, now it’s one big mish-mash of “Woo-hoo! I’m going to hook up, pass out, get arrested, and then go on the Challenge series and win money!” It’s also become a game of trying to guess who the mystery madman is. Who the abuse victim is, and what two potentially damaged souls are going to hook up and have an odd, abusive, co-dependent relationship. (They’re repeating this trope with Sammi and Ron on the Jersey Shore and we’re sick of that too.)

But The Real World was supposed to be better than this. After all, this was the show that discussed issues of race, homophobia, sexuality, AIDS, and substance abuse. And it’s not as if there aren’t still thought-provoking stories to tell, and unique young people out there who are able to tell them. MTV has just gotten lazy, and has decided that the writhing horde is only satisfied with drama, abuse, and drunkenness. Let’s take a look at what we’ve got so far with the 25th season of the show.

Adam — Self-ascribed “Bad Boy.” We’ll call him poseur-douche. Yah, yah, he did time in Juvie. Which is his current claim to fame. He can’t wait to tell each cast member this little gem. MTV has identified him as the loose cannon, so we expect drunken flip-outs, fights, possibly an arrest, and basically the alienation of the entire house. But, not to be outdone, MTV has also given us someone with control issues when it comes to women. He’s stalky and manipulative. All signs point to abusive tendencies.

Nany — Lover of self-ascribed “Bad-Boys.” She enters the house with one for a boyfriend back home. She’s drawn to Adam — of course — despite her plaintive cries that she’s on The Real World for more independence, since this was something that she was not getting in her current relationship. Great. Previews show her getting into a negative cycle with Adam where she basically becomes his co-dependent apologist. Fantastic.

Dustin — Boyish frat boy. Look up all things you’ve seen ever about boyish frat boys and you’ll find Dustin. He’s had a bit of a troubled home-life, but this has become par for the course for MTV. He’s already displayed some possessive tendencies along with his easy-going charm, and his liberal use of hip-hop speak when angry is just comical. He has a secret. He’s not gay per se, but he did do a little experiment that involved a house full of attractive young men and a continuous web cam. This will probably bring up questions about his sexuality…but he’s probably not gay, just attention seeking.

Heather — Pretty, blonde, petite suburban good-girl — but also a huge party girl. She’s already piqued the interest of Dustin and lands squarely into the first fight of the season between two male cast-mates. She will most likely enter into a relationship with Dustin which may cause problems — problems which MTV loves. Prepare for grainy hookup footage of Dustin and Heather, and the potential for uncomfortable moments down the road. Cue crying in the confessional and a punch through a wall.

Michael — Small town guy with views on faith, politics, science, religion etc. He’s a Libertarian. Should be interesting, right? Well, he tries to discuss some of these things with his cast-mates and their response…”I dunno, dude. Let’s do shots!” We expect Michael, who has some demons in his past, to get frustrated quickly, and perhaps show the roommates more about himself than they anticipated.

 

Naomi — MTV lists her as a “Hispanic firecracker.” Um, okay. I assume that should say it all then?  Of course there’s more to her than that, but in the first two episodes they’ve shown very little with the exception of her saying that she didn’t understand what Michael was talking about during one of his monologues. Oh, and there may be a pregnancy scare in Naomi’s future. Not something we’ve seen on the show since Tami Trishelle in Vegas (Uno). We’re not excited.

Leroy — The ladies man who walks into the house and sizes up the bedroom choices for premiere hookup ability. Hmm, yes. He’s on the show for one reason and one reason only so it seems. We don’t think Leroy intends to grow and learn from this experience with the exception of things that have to do with a carnal nature. He’s already led the stampede to the hot tub, instigated a sticky truth or dare situation, and by episode two he’s one of the first to hookup with an outsider. Here‘s to hoping there’s more to his story for whatever that’s worth. Also, he’s the one Naomi has the pregnancy scare conversation with, so there’s that.

So many, many similarities to cast members of seasons from the last few years, right? Sure, it seems that MTV is putting their eggs into the Jersey Shore basket. But instead of trying to make The Real World either compete with that or try to outdo it, perhaps it’s just time to call it quits with this season, eh? It’s no longer fun or rewarding. Given the current dynamic MTV employs, there really isn’t any new story to tell here, and it doesn’t seem that they’re looking to add anything new to the genre. And if The Real World is supposed to be a small microcosm of what is going on in the lives of young twenty-somethings, than that world just seems like a hollow, depressing place to be, and so very narrow in its thinking.

There are a number of shows that depict young people proliferating in the superficial, sensational spectacle that is reality television, but if you’re going to offer the world Jersey Shore, which is unapologetically debased on purpose for our entertainment, shouldn’t you also offer the world a point of view that highlights the better parts of being young and twenty-two?

Crass Gossip: It’s Getting Ugly

This has been an ugly, scary week in the real world. Let’s avoid thinking about it all for a few minutes by looking at ugly, scary people.

  • There is nothing uglier or scarier than Courtney Love’s greed, unless it is my face when I watch this clip or her face just regular.

  • Tiger Woods makes it all okay on Fallon’s show.

  • Why does this lead me to this? (Go Fug Yourself and YouTube)
  • Do you do covers?
Make it stop. Please, make it stop.
The breeding should stop, too.
What is the head-to-ass algorithm here?
If you were JT, would it take you two years to dump someone?

 

The Bachelor Finale: Yep, We Watched It

(Clockwise from top: Brad, Chantal, Emily)

by DahlELama and The_Obvious

Hey guys, remember Brad? The Bachelor contestant that all of America somehow thought was a total D-Bag for not proposing to anyone he didn’t want to marry? Well, after a few therapy sessions, he returned for round two of consequence-free polygamy, and last night, in Cape Town, South Africa, he finally shed the rest of the sister-wives and nabbed himself a bride. We won’t bore you with the details of the whole season, as you’re probably familiar with the drill–guy gets a harem, guy kicks girls out of harem one by one, guy is left with two options, one of whom will get the boot and the other of whom will get the rock.

This season’s two final ladies with the best cleavage personalities were the bubbly brunette Chantal O. (yeah, there were two Chantals) and blond Southern Belle Emily. On last night’s finale, the two contestants met Brad’s family, including twin brother Chad (ha, no, seriously), Chad’s superhot wife Dylan, would-be-considered-attractive-in-any-other-family brother Wes, Wes’s wife/first cousin Prima, and Brad’s mom, who did her best to blend into the South African surroundings by dressing like a cheetah.

First up to meet the genetic lottery-winning family was Chantal O. Face, who immediately charmed Brad, Chad, Thad, and Vlad by proving that she was scary-obsessed with their brother/son. Mom and Chantal got better acquainted with some one-on-one time, and after 15 minutes of O. Face discussing how much she loved abs Brad, Mama Womack decided Chantal would make hot grandkids with her son and signaled her approval with a wink and a squeaky noise. The romantic afternoon ended with Brad announcing that he could definitely imagine proposing to Chantal… and couldn’t wait to introduce his family to Emily, the other woman he could also definitely imagine proposing to, maybe.

Before Brad’s family could meet the other love of his life, the Belle Who Never Wore Bottoms, host Chris Harrison stepped in, instructed all of them to look at the flashing light, and told them all they were all there because Brad won a trip to South Africa for his 250 word essay on why pull-ups are superior to chin-ups.

With all memories of Chantal erased, it was time to bring in BelleNoBottoms Barbie. Emily’s meeting was not all bubbles and rainbows, and the awkward getting-to-you-know took a serious turn when she revealed her tragic past. Emily was eighteen when her fiance was killed in a plane crash, and a week later, she discovered she was pregnant with her now-six-year-old daughter, Ricki. Once everyone was done having trouble telling Brad and Emily apart from Chad and Dylan, the questions began as to whether or not Brad was really ready to be a father. However, after he assured everyone that he would make a great dad because he had seen Three Men and a Baby twice, it was determined that Emily was the woman he was meant to be with.

Now, before Brad could decide which woman he wanted to sleep with for the next 3-5 months before publicly breaking up, it was time to take them each on one more unrealistic date. Again, O. Face went first, and Brad abandoned all pretense of affection by literally throwing her to the sharks. Chantal was a good sport, though, pulling off the ‘oh no, this wet suit won’t zip over my boobies!’ move with charm and grace before joining Brad in the cage from which they romantically watched the sharks fin-fiving and doing the ‘that’s-what-i’m-talkin’-bout’ nod as they checked out Chantal’s ample cleavage.

Later that night, Brad and O. Face bonded again, this time over the vomit-inducing kindergarten art project Chantal passed off as some sort of Crayola-and-paste monument to their love that she’d worked on allll night while Brad and BelleNoBottoms got their sexxx on. You see, Chantal had created a map, noting all the places she and Brad had been together, like Kamchatka and East Africa, because she traveled the world with him! And that is super meaningful! Because no one else traveled the world with him! Everyone else just played the board game version of The Bachelor and boned him over Skype while she alone traveled to Anguilla and South Africa! Except not. Anyway, their clothes stayed on the whole time, and that’s when we knew that we’d seen O. Face’s o-face for the very last time.

Then it was Emily’s turn, and because she has a kid and the producers actually care if she lives or dies, her final date was a picturesque helicopter ride. Fortunately for everyone, Emily had left her pants in the other helicopter, but Brad, good sport that he is, didn’t seem to mind. Later that night, however, Brad and Emily got into their first fight, which sounded something like this:

Emily: “Will you take my child to the hospital at 3 am because she sleep walks?”

Brad: “Yes I will. And I will be her true Father.”

Emily: “What does being a father mean to you?”

Brad: “Vague thoughts and ideas I’ve seen on television shows.”

Emily: “YOU KNOW NOTHING. GOOD DAY, SIR!”

Brad: “Listen! Listen! Listen! Vague thoughts and ideas I’ve seen on television shows.”

Emily: “Brad, I just want to make sure that you understand that kids are not fun and go to the ER every day.”

Brad: “So, am I her dad yet?”

Then he walked out, and no sex was had in Africa that night.

~~~

The time had come for Brad to make his choice, leaving one woman inconsolable for at least two hours. It was going to be a tough one. On the one hand, he and Emily had sort of gotten into a fight the night before. On the other hand, he didn’t really like Chantal at all. But on the other hand, no bottoms. But on the other hand, boobs. Drama!

The first limo pulled up, and out stepped Chantal, wearing a shiny black dress with a mess of feathers on one shoulder for luck. Brad did the honorable thing by dragging the dismissal out for a few minutes by listing all the things he loved about her before the big “but,” and to her credit, Chantal didn’t so much as smudge her makeup, probably because she didn’t seem to understand that she was being dumped until Brad finally yelled, “I WANNA BANG EMILY.” He then politely escorted her back to the limo where she was greeted by a nurse who inserted a 99 Bananas drip directly into her arm. As the limo pulled away, the raven on her shoulder could be heard quothing “Nevermore, nevermore.”

Emily’s limo pulled up next, and to make up for a season of pantslessness, she stepped out wearing a modest dress designed by the 15th Duggar daughter. After a bit of stammering and nonsense, her finger was suddenly shiny and we realized they were engaged. In the distance, the faint sound of Toto’s Africa could be heard. Mazel Tov!

Epilogue: Every night Brad sets up the Sony handheld on a tripod before slipping back into bed. He tells Emily it is to help with his withdrawal from not being on camera anymore and she is none the wiser. They are still not married. Fin.

 

 

DahlELama and The_Obvious met when she took a bus from Iowa to California and discovered him behind the bar at a Burlesque club. She is now a star, while he wears too much eyeliner and still hasn’t finished a song or appropriately dumped his fiance.

Vanguard: A Brave New World

Al Gore will save us all. No, seriously. Not only has he hired shouting-mouthpiece Keith Olbermann to try to enlighten the world one withering tirade at a time, he is also responsible for one of the more altruistic news programs on television, and perhaps one you’re not familiar with.

I discovered Current TV’s Vanguard series last summer. Sometime when I was wondering why Terminator: Salvation was on for the seventy millionth time, I came across this show that was so engrossing in such a real way that it left me absolutely stunned. I’ve never encountered documentary journalism like this. I became totally invested, and the subject matter — the plight of Mail Order Brides, drew me in for over an hour. The gritty, documentary style reporting, the raw and unfiltered coverage — it was everything CNN wishes it could do and more. This show is really what investigative journalism is at its core.

With minimal film crews, and lacking in canned monologues, exorbitant speeches, faux-fury, or shock just for shock sake, mostly it focuses on ripping away the trappings of the spoiled Western mindset to offer a glimpse into someone else’s world, willing the observer to absorb their life, their history, their pains, their indignation, and their joys — oftentimes halfway around the world. Inexplicably though, it can feel like it’s too much, like you’re infringing too much, like you’re seeing too much. The empathy and at times embarrassment, depending on the subject matter, is that palpable. And yes, the reporters are not the staunch, grizzled, “newsman” types of yore. Or the perfectly coiffed silver-haired “anchors on assignment” we see now in their muscled shirts and jeans.

The team of Adam Yamaguchi, Christof Putzel, Mariana van Zeller, and Kaj Larsen, representatives of the X and Y generations, who you imagine are never far from their smart phones, laptops, or Facebook pages, but as we watch, they’re walking into shanty towns and discussing topics like open defecation, the lost boys of the soccer trade, and homegrown terrorism, forgetting for once about the prevalence of “me” that permeates young people in the States, and telling stories happening out there, beyond our borders that just need to be told.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHuIoKhMEcw

Which may be what you’d expect from a cable channel run by Al Gore, inventor of the internet, hunter of the manbearpig and exasperated politician. Yes, Mr. Gore has revamped and rekindled this channel and this news-art documentary storytelling in a burgeoning channel that implores you understand the challenges facing our fellow human brethren.

In most instances you just can not look away, because if you do, you feel that you are betraying the teller of the story. The person who has sacrificed much to share with you the most human feelings one can share with another. Truly it is journalism for the new millennium, and as such is worthy of acknowledgment from the “good old boys” in the business. Not that it needs the accolades or acceptance from mainstream media. But it’s earned it, last year as winner of the 69th annual Peabody Award and the 2010 Television Academy Honor Award, the show is truly making its mark. It is one of the only multi-award winning long-form investigative documentary series on cable television, and if you watch, you’ll quickly learn why — it tackles issues others ignore, it goes to places others wouldn’t fathom, and it bravely discusses topics others can’t or won’t cover.

In short, it’s really not your grandmother’s 60 Minutes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cq_8PyRIo_E

Here is a list of other topics covered by the Vanguard team:

 

Netflix Sunday: My So-Called Life edition

Welcome back to another edition of Netflix Sunday.  I was originally planning on sharing about more British shows, but then I remembered American TV has some awesome stuff.  America!  F*CK YEAH!

So this week’s Netflix contender is 1994’s My So Called Life. As a teenager in the 1990’s, this show was all about me and my life.  Then again, I was a teenager, so everything was about me.  Don’t judge, you thought that way as well.

My So Called life was a short-running show with all of 19 episodes, but one of my favorites that pretty successfully encapsulated the teenage experience in the 1990’s.

The story centered on a young Claire Danes as Angela Chase, a girl growing up in a suburb of Pittsburgh, who, like most of us, was growing older and emotionally ambivalent towards her parents, while discovering new friends and life experiences.

I got your emo right here

Her two best friends were Rayanne Graff, a free spirit (whose wardrobe I always idolized) with an alcoholic, mostly absent mother and a drug problem, and Rickie, the eyeliner-wearing boy who lived with his abusive uncle.  Rayanne was the bad influence, but her affection for Angela was apparent, as was her hidden vulnerability, distrust of people, and her desire for her friends to act as her family, because her family had failed her, causing you to both love and hate Rayanne.

The show was rather topical and took on some intense issues in its short run – child abuse, sex, drug use and had an openly gay teenager.  This was before Ellen Degeneres came out publicly in 2002 1997 or ’98, which was a HUGE deal, so for a show to portray a gay teenager in the mid-1990’s in a sympathetic way; in such a central role to the show was a fairly influential to a lot of people my age.

The show also starred a young Jared Leto as Jordan Catalano-the dreamy object of Angela’s affections, an eye-opener to those of us who had raging crushes on the brooding, guitar-playing hottie that pretty much all teenage crushes suck.

While show portrayed several difficult social issues, it managed to not be overly preachy.  It’s honest look at teenage life and angst wasn’t necessary sympathetic or critical – Angela makes a lot of decisions she’s not sure if she should be proud of, but shows that time for what it is – a difficult time of self-discovery as teenagers realize their potential to become independent adults, while dealing with learning some of the harder lessons alone.  Also, the soundtrack is classic 1990’s.  Can’t beat that!

What NBC Can Learn From The USA Network

Unfortunately NBC has brewed a mixed bag of bad. While there’s still entertainment to be found in the network’s bread and butter Thursday night comedy lineup, the gangrenous toe seems to be the network’s choice of dramas — and the problems lie exactly where they don’t want them to — in concept and execution. As ratings show, nearly every one of this season’s dramas has either been canceled, see: Outlaw, Undercovers, and Chase, or are getting ever closer to the chopping block, see: The Cape, Law & Order: LA, and The Event.

What are they doing? What’s going wrong?

Despite its best efforts, The Event suffers from an erratic timeline, mediocre acting, lack of central focus, and way too much hype without enough delivery. All combined this is like visual napalm for the viewer. Similarly, NBC’s lauded hero action thriller The Cape is a confused mess of ideas. Is it an action-show or a moving comic? Is it about urban street crime, or nefarious corporations with overseas ties to terrorism? If the show itself is this neurotic imagine what viewers feel watching it.


The USA Network, sister network to NBC interestingly enough, has hit its stride in recent years with such acclaimed shows as Psych, Burn Notice, In Plain Sight, and Royal Pains, which is leaps and bounds ahead of where the once fledgling network started when it was largely known for B-movies and wrestling. So how has the burgeoning giant climbed in ratings while NBC has suffered such a decline?

What USA Does That’s Different

Develops A Fresh Face Approach: USA programs are all about the people at the forefront. Lost is over and done with, and so is answering questions while just creating new ones. This idea is so overworked that it should look stale on paper and never be filmed again. USA programs pride themselves on character development and fresh faces. Psych is about Shawn and Gus’ friendship and banter. Burn Notice is about Mike, Fiona, and Sam’s intersecting loyalty, friendship, and ability to kick-ass as a team. Royal Pains is about Hank and Evan’s sibling rivalry/brotherly love. The people make the shows work.

Truth Nugget: Don’t build up an elaborate house of cards with forgettable characters and hope no one blows the house down.

Looks at the Man in the Mirror: No one has the right answers all the time. Just plopping a perfect pretty face on screen will not endear a character to an audience. There is such a thing as hero-fatigue if our caped crusader isn’t rounded out with enough nuance and sincerity. One-dimensional is, well, what NBC is now. Depth, pains, humanity, fears, flaws and struggle — this is what USA offers. Basically viewers need to care about the characters by identifying with each one’s eccentricities, foibles, and endearments.

Truth Nugget: Patrick Swayze would tell NBC to, “Ga-gung, Ga-gung” and feel their character’s hearts beating in their chest.


Likes a Fish Out of Water: USA characters experience new things for the first time. This means that the audience is experiencing something new for the first time. Aha! Right? The hook and catch to ER’s first episode was young Dr. Carter embarking on his first day. Similarly, many of USA’s character’s are doing something they’ve never encountered before, like concierge doctoring, legal mediating, or being a burned spy. We’re all learning together, see?! NBC may have forgotten this tried and true method, but USA hasn’t.

Truth Nugget: If you’re throwing your character in the deep end — the choice better be to have him or her swim.

Doesn’t Reinvent the Wheel: In each of USA’s programs you’ll see a little bit of what made shows from the 70’s and 80’s great. There’s a little MacGyver and Marcus Welby, Moonlighting, and Three’s Company. The network is also not afraid to pair new stars with some familiar faces, and every now and again you’ll find homage to a successful show of the past, and even appearances from long forgotten actors. Psych‘s recent Twin Peaks episode, which featured stars from the original show, was a great success. Pulling in the likes of veteran actors Sharon Gless (an ex-cop), Corbin Bernsen (an ex-lawyer), Henry Winkler (an ex-Fonz), and Ally Sheedy (an ex-basket case) has assisted in the ratings boon for the network.

Truth Nugget: Going back doesn’t mean you can’t push forward.


Laughs Through the Pain: You know what makes a show that could easily get mired down with heavy drama — light and likable — a joke or two. Yes, USA prides itself on dramas with comedic elements. They don’t take themselves too seriously and are experts at being able to pull an unexpected guffaw from the viewer. The pendulum can swing from high intensity action, or hard-hitting drama, right into a funny gag that lightens and livens the moment.

Truth Nugget: Great banter with a wink and a nod adds depth and makes those moments that could be so serious that they’re almost laughable — palatable.

Packs its Bags: USA gets out of the police station, the hospital, the courtroom, or the busy metropolitan streets, and finds a new place to set up shop. USA’s theory is blue skies, good weather, and fun in the sun. We know NBC can work with a set really well. The NBC comedy lineup is a testament to great set work, but what can it do on location?

Truth Nugget: Hitting the open road is better than closing the door for good.

What is NBC’s Challenge:

Not to mirror themselves after the USA network completely, that would be silly and counterproductive,  it is its own network after all, but to perhaps take some notes from a network that succeeds — and well, is actually part of their Comcast-owned family. Thinking outside the box about how to add some quirk, fun, and simplicity to their dramas could make all the difference. The viewers will appreciate it. But more importantly they’ll watch.