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Where Are They Now? “Full House” Edition

By DahlELama and The_Obvious

What ever happened to predictability? The milk man, the paper boy, evening TV? You may miss your old familiar friends, but they’re waiting just around the bend!

Bob Saget as Danny Tanner

It’s tough to say which of the cast members was most excited about the end of Full House, but the smart money would go on Bob Saget—the man behind the Tanner patriarch—who immediately set about proving to the world that the hug-loving clean freak they knew was actually a filthy horndog with the mouth of Andrew Dice Clay firmly embedded in his Stephen Colbert face. From his raunchy SNL monologue to his mind-boggling entry in The Aristocrats, no one has worked quite as hard to shed his Full House persona like Saget, and nowhere has it been quite as fun to watch as in his guest spot on Entourage. These days, Saget can be heard but not seen as the voice of 2030 Ted Mosby on How I Met Your Mother, which really doesn’t make any sense, but whatever.

(Assume all Saget links are NSFW)

John Stamos as Jesse Katsopolis

If there is one constant truth in this world, it’s that John Stamos will always have better hair than you, capiche? That hair may not have held onto Rebecca Romijn, but it’s taken him to Broadway, the Beach Boys, his own failed sitcom, a starring role in ER (did they ever reveal what that stood for?), and his current gig, a recurring role as sexy dentist Carl on Fox’s We Have Regionals Every Week, Which We Can’t Afford, and Yet We Somehow Always Seem to Have New Uniforms. If you watch it for nothing else, watch it because Stamos does. Not. Age. Have mercy!

Dave Coulier as Joey Gladstone

You know the weird thing about Dave Coulier, besides everything? It doesn’t really matter what he does in life—and he has done stuff, from participating in random kids’ shows to failing at stand-up even worse than he did on the show to reality TV—because he will, forever and always, be known only as Joey and the guy who inspired Alanis Morissette’s You Oughta Know. These days, Coulier can be found* playing with puppets and doing Bullwinkle impressions for anyone who’ll listen. We personally think it’s time to cut. It. Out! Quit it! But not before he answers our question: how could you dump a girl who’d go down on you in a theater?

*Or maybe he can’t be found. We actually have no idea.

Candace Cameron as D.J. Tanner

Hearts around the World were scarred for life when Cameron co-starred in the made-for-TV movie No One Would Tell with Fred Savage, portraying a couple in an abusive relationship. (“KEVIN ARNOLD WOULD NEVER HIT A GIRL, EVER!” one of us cried, and not the one you might think.) Like her brother Mike Seaver, Candice Cameron spent her post-childhood years finding ~~men and~~ God. Cameron ended up marrying NHL hockey player and super-Russian guy Valeri Bure. Together, they have 34 attractive blond children, a vineyard, and a very close personal relationship with Jesus. Cameron-Bure can now be seen on the really awesome ABCFamily show Make It or Break It, which is returning for its third season on Monday, March 28th, not that either of the authors of this post is counting.

Jodie Sweetin as Stephanie Tanner

Oh, Stephanie. While it was always clear that at least one of the cast members of Full House was going to fall prey to drugs, we kind of assumed it was going to be Kimmy, and that it would be something a little classier than meth, like crack. But someone had to be the meth addict with two divorces behind her before thirty, and probably because it worked so well for a book title, that role fell to Jodie Sweetin, author of UnSweetined and one-time host of the critically acclaimed* Pants Off Dance Off, in which ~~The_Obvious~~ contestants did stripteases for money. She is now engaged to Morty Coyle (real name) and has two daughters (one with Coyle).

*Slight exaggeration

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen as Michelle Tanner

Say what you will about Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, but they are nothing if not industrious. Not only did all of America watch them grow up from babies into living Bratz dolls, but they also bought their books and albums, watched their movies, coveted their clothes, featured them in their magazines and ad campaigns, and welcomed their designs into their closets and onto their runways. There’s not much these two haven’t done as adults (except wear properly fitting clothes, eat solid food, and smile) and they show no sign of slowing down, with Mary Kate appearing in this month’s Beastly alongside Alex Pettyfer and Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley continuing to focus on the twins’ multiple successful clothing lines, including Elizabeth and James (named after the siblings no one knew they had) and The Row.

Andrea Barber as Kimmy Gibbler

Hola Crasstalkerinos! So, who saw Kimmy Gibbler turning out to be a completely nice and normal stay-at-home mom with presumably non-smelly feet? We sure didn’t, but sure enough, the shock of learning that Andrea Barber did not in fact die with Zack Morris in a a tragic fictional accident paled in comparison to that of learning that she seems to be a wonderfully nice and well-adjusted woman who’s traded in ruffled skirts and neon tights for…whatever it is normal people wear.

Lori Loughlin as Rebecca “Becky” Donaldson Katsopolis

Everyone knows that when you move a pretty lady into an attic with Uncle Jesse, babies are gonna happen, but Lori Loughlin, the woman behind Aunt Becky, didn’t always have as certain a future. Although her workload was far more consistent than most of her co-stars, Loughlin seemed doomed to a life of guest appearances and terrible TV movies, followed by starring roles on series that barely lasted a season or two. (Although Summerland did also star Ryan Kwanten, so, call it even?) However, in 2008, Loughlin was tapped to star in the CW’s remake of 90210, cementing her as one of the only Full House alumni capable of getting work on network TV. Sadly, this will be Loughlin’s last year in the role of Debbie Wilson, but at least she got to make out with the poor man’s Ryan Gosling for a while.

Scott Weinger as Steve Hale

Riff raff, street rat, please don’t buy that. If only you’d look closer, would you see a dumb boy? No sirree. You’d find out, there’s so much more to Steve.

Scott Weinger might’ve played dumb as DJ’s boyfriend Steve, but in real life, the man whose animated form rocked a fez-vest-harem pants-combo like no one else graduated Magna Cum Laude from Harvard and went on to write for shows like the criminally underrated Privileged and what some might call the greatest show of our time, starring the greatest comedienne of our time, What I Like About You. He’s currently writing for 90210, which means he and Lori Loughlin are probably sleeping together, right? Right.

Blake and Dylan Tuomy-Wilhoit as Nicky and Alex Katsopolis

An alarm sounded in a distant control room. A wave of panic washed over the director; he had not anticipated hearing this piercing noise. His pace quickened as he approached the door praying to God he would walk into a false alarm. His heart sunk as his worst fears were confirmed, that skinny needle that had never moved since his first day on the job was hovering over the ‘E’. Full House had run out of cuteness. Michelle was all grown up and drastic measures needed to be taken: Twins! Actually playing twins! We first learned these bouncing baby boys were on their way when Uncle Jesse uttered those classic words, “Cheese half ink a… hotdog!” This would be their first and last foray into acting. Nowadays, the boys lead normal lives and are doomed to never having individual wikipedia pages.

Buddy the Dog as Comet the Dog

From early on, friends told Buddy’s parents he should go into acting. He was a charismatic and precocious pup with perfect comedic timing. (” What are Lindsay Lohan’s chances of getting no jail time? Ruff!”) Buddy grew up in front of the audience’s eyes and went on to star in the original Air Bud when a director saw him shooting around during down time on the set. In 1995 he was recognized with a nomination for Favorite Animal Star at the Kids’ Choice Awards. (Ultimately he lost out to Milo, the dog who starred in The Mask. Rumors surfaced in The Enquirer that Milo humped the legs of the show’s producers; he was subsequently stripped of the award.) Buddy also has the distinction of being the second Full House cast member to poop on the set. He has since retired from acting and lives on one of those nice farms upstate.

Miko Hughes as Aaron Baily

You may not recognize Michelle’s greatest frenemy, but let us assure you–Miko Hughes is what nightmares are made of. If you had difficulty sleeping in 1989, it was probably due to Hughes’ scalpel-wielding role as Gage Creed in Pet Sematary. Shedding his murderous image, he took a more wholesome role in Kindergarten Cop, delivering one of the Top 5 lines. Aaron appeared in 13 episodes of Full House. That damn acting bug seems impervious to all the Raid we sprayed and Hughes continues to take on small roles. When not acting, Hughes actively participates in Native American ceremonies across the country as a dancer at powwows. (This is surprisingly not made up.)

Jurnee Smollett as Denise Frazier

Winner of the “Guess who got hot?” award, Jurnee Smollett—a.k.a. Michelle’s friend Denise—may be the most prolific actor of the cast since the show’s end. Smollett, who’s one of six children, went on to star with her family in a show where they pretended to also be the siblings of a seventh guy who pulled a Mrs. Doutfire situation for their social worker, who he also wanted to bang, or something? (Don’t understand it? Don’t worry, we didn’t either.) From there, she went on to the short-lived Cosby followed by Friday Night Lights as well as feature films such as Eve’s Bayou and The Great Debaters, all the while guest starring on every medical drama in existence. She can now be seen playing Lisa Tyler on The Defenders, if you really want to watch that.

Tahj Mowry as Teddy

If you think it’s difficult living in the shadow of a successful older sibling, try having two…who are also identical twins. Sadly, Sister Sister Brother was not deemed to be catchy enough to provide Mowry with six seasons of lip gloss money the way it did Tia and Tamera, but Tahj was able to break into the spotlight as Full House’s adorable Teddy NoLastName. Like Michelle’s other pint-sized pals, Tahj had some considerable success immediately following the show, starring as an annoying genius child in Smart Guy and other voiceover work, but once puberty hit and he grew into his ears, Tahj’s career slowed down considerably. There is only room in Hollywood for one man with Big Ears, and that, our friends, is Will Smith. Tahj Mowry, you are no Will Smith. Now, as a surprisingly attractive adult, Tahj spends his days tweeting for Jesus. #FF @BigGuyintheSky.

And just because we love you…

DahlELama and The_Obvious are on an eternal search for Ben & Jerry’s Clusterfluff, the whereabouts of the baby from Raising Hope, and Platform 9 3/4. Anyone providing one or more of these three items will receive a personalized mixtape of “Songs for Wisdom Tooth Removal.”

Getting Into The Chicago Code

In the era of serialized television, where every drama has to give us a tight narrative that builds up to a singular climax I have forgotten about the procedural drama, particularly cop shows. Many say that watching five seasons of The Wire ruined other shows like Law and Order for them, because the former attempts to ground us in reality as much as possible where good does not trump evil and storylines don’t end in neat packages. On the other hand, not all television has to be jam-packed with so much plot that it can be likened to a novel. The goal is to be entertained, so when I saw the aggressive promos for the new Fox drama The Chicago Code I made sure to hop on.

The Chicago Code is the brainchild of Shawn Ryan, who is only the creator of the second greatest crime drama of all-time, The Shield, which was also integral in paving the way for basic cable networks to push scripted dramas that dealt with heavier fare. So there was a good amount of hype and expectations that this show would live up to that standard of excellence, despite being on a Big Four network. Does The Chicago Code deliver on these expectations? Well, kind of.

The show follows the exploits of three major characters. Chicago Police Department superintendent Teresa Colvin (Jennifer Beals), CPD detective Jarek Wysocki (Jason Clarke), and corrupt Chicago alderman Ronin Gibbons (Delroy Lindo). The main premise is that Colvin forms a secret task force to bring down Gibbons. However, the show relies on a “case of the week” format and attempts to tie them in to the main arc. It also makes heavy use of voiceover narration, which is a sticking point for a lot of people. Not trying to compare the two, but the voiceovers are more similar in style to Goodfellas than say, Dexter, but it’s a love/hate aspect of the show. I don’t think they are a crutch but that seems to be a minority opinion. The more glaring negative is hammy, cliche dialogue. The show is shot on location in Chicago (more on that later) and it’s obvious the writers want to let us know that we are in the motherfucking Chi. The pilot has one too many Chicago Cubs/White Sox references, and over the top lines like “YOU THINK YOU CAN CHANGE THINGS IN CHICAGO?!” I’m also not sold on some of the actors, namely Billy Lush who plays a mole inside the Irish Mafia.

On the plus side, the show is beautifully shot for a network drama. I may be biased but the directors take full advantage of their photogenic location with drawn-out car chases and aerial shots. Jennifer Beals may be the most unrealistic choice ever to play a police superintendent but she does a fine job, even though as a native Southsider she manages to sound like a Masshole. Delroy Lindo does a great job of chewing scenery and acting like a mix between Harold Washington, Rev. Jesse Jackson and Mayor Daley. The show sets him up as an evil genius and so far he’s up to the task. I’m still not sold that we will get a huge payoff on the main corruption storyline, but the show is certainly enjoyable enough on a weekly basis that I keep watching. Those looking for intricate storytelling should probably just watch The Wire again, but if you’re a fan of Law and Order and shows of that ilk I highly recommend diving into The Chicago Code.

Doing the Right Thing by Quitting Sheen Cold Turkey

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Charlie Sheen. The holy detestable scourge of humanity that is Charlie Sheen makes me want to punch him in his throat-box and then shake him until the crazy man living inside slides out onto the floor of the insane condom-wrapper filled hotel room he parties in.

Why?

Well because he’s taken all the goodwill sent his way by a gracious, but health-hobbled Michael J. Fox, and literally shot it up his nose and used it to slap the asses of various hookers just because he can, and mostly because CBS has paid him to do so. Nice. Sheen would be just another out of work, has-been actor, holed up under a bridge in Dogtown if Fox hadn’t had to leave Spin City. And now, yes now, that the network has finally realized this — what will they do about Charlie Sheen?

Don’t Pay Him Another Single Dime

Yeah, have you heard? He wants a raise. Yes, currently stuffing his pockets full of $1.8 million an episode is not sufficient. He now says that in order to return to his beloved-by-idiots show he wants $3 million an episode. $3 million?! That’s like an entire boat full of coke! A small island off the coast of the Maldives of low-class prostitutes! The entire salary brought home by his brother Emilio since The Breakfast Club!

I’d like to go on record by saying that no person, who on his television show spins a yarn of tired misogynistic tropes and sits on a couch in a bowling shirt while wearing loafers, should make anywhere near $3 million for anything. This is acting? Or is this what your loser uncle Irwin-the-Pharmacist does in his sad life living down by the docks? CBS should be laughing so hard the entire building should levitate 50 feet off the ground, spin, and then shoot into space and crash on the moon so they can attach a picture of Charlie Sheen to a flagpole as evidence of an alien life form, and then, and only then, return to ask if the coke-monster from Platoon is serious. There’s no way anyone should pay him one more dime to continue making this horrible show about a horrible person who basically holds the rest of the cast hostage every time he goes on a binge.

Don’t Feel Sorry For Him

You know how this country has a weak spot for beleaguered celebrities? How we decide that it’s not their fault that their parents/lives/celebrity/famousness made them the way they are and that they should get another chance? Yeah, this stupid thing we do. After all, look what’s happened to Robert Downey Jr. and Drew Barrymore — they’re fine now, and successful, and a testament to good old fashioned faith, talent, and an enviable stick-to-it attitude. Yes, well, that is nice. Well, no, it’s not! These people are all addicts. Yes. Okay, some have been able to overcome a large portion of their demons, mostly those who actually want to get better, and realized that they have a career to salvage. But others…well, they just don’t. (LiLo, I’m also looking at you, and Busey, well, I’m terrified of this season’s Celebrity Apprentice.) They just want to remain crazed, coke-addicted maniacs, because well, they enjoy it. They love, love, love it! It is all they have, and they don’t give a damn who knows it…because it’s really not about you.

This is what Sheen thinks about his drug use:

The Associated Press reports that during his various, “Fuck the world, I’m fabulous!” television tour this morning, he said that he “exposed people to magic” when they partied with him and that he loved doing drugs.

“What’s not to love?” he said on ABC. “Especially when you see how I party. It was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards just look like droopy-eyed armless children.”

Does he want to change? Nah. Will he change? Nope. Reportedly, he’s been clean for 72 hours because he finds coke boring. Yes, boring. I’m thinking if he could find a way to snort the skin-flakes of various porn stars for a high…he would do it until he finds that boring. Nonetheless, these are not the sentiments of a reformed drug abuser.

Realize That He Doesn’t Care About You Or The People Who Watch His Show

He isn’t an actor. He isn’t about the craft of acting. He doesn’t have aspirations of being the best artist or performer he can possibly be. He wants your money. And he’d rather get it with the satisfaction of having every person in authority prostrate themselves in front of him, because he’s a narcissistic drug addict. He believes that CBS owes him an apology, “publicly, while licking my feet” he says, for not recognizing his awesomeness, and because he’s “tired of pretending I’m not a total, bitchin’ rock star from Mars.” Absolutely. Yup, the more you keep sweeping his crap under the rug, and backing him and all his lunacy, is one more step you take into the darkside, CBS. The darkside that is letting the lunatics run the asylum and dictate to you how much their crazy is worth, because it’s easier to have a megalomaniac, shriveled wizard dictate how much money you will pay him to continue to keep your network afloat, instead of shipping this loon off into obscurity and replacing him with any number of talented actors.

“I am on a drug,” Sheen said. “It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

Exactly. He is Charlie Sheen, and he is a drug. CBS, think you can stop chasing this dragon?

Update: Apparently someone gets it. This afternoon Sheen’s longtime publicist, Stan Rosenfield, quit after an interview with TMZ where Sheen made a remark implying that Rosenfield lied on his behalf about that Plaza Hotel incident in October.

“I have worked with Charlie Sheen for a long time and I care about him very much. However, at this time, I’m unable to work effectively as his publicist and have respectfully resigned,” states Rosenfeld.

I was kinda hoping he resigned because Sheen is a huge self-destructive prick who’s destined to take anyone down with him that attempts to latch themselves to his burning, sinking ship. But a bailout is a bailout, I suppose.

Ratings Shuffle: America to NBC, “We Were On A Break!”

So America, it seems that you’ve officially broken up with NBC. There’s no more “trying to work it out” or “going to therapy.” It’s kind of done. At this point not much else happens except maybe a Community drunken hook up, or meeting at 30 Rock for coffee to discuss “closure,” and well, you’ll always have that thing that happened in the Office supply closet during the Christmas party.

Now, though, you’ve moved on to “seeing other people.”

Ratings for NBC last week were in the toilet. No preamble, no sugar coating it, just swirling in the bowl hoping for a courtesy flush.

Just what the hell has happened here? Remember all those great shows of the 1990’s, when “Must See TV” meant something in the world of television? Jerry Seinfeld ruled the airwaves. Phil Hartman was still alive. Ross and Rachel were Ross and Rachel, George Clooney and his House of Batiatus hairdo made us all swoon, and well, Paul Reiser did that married people show with his Oscar winning on-screen wife who now lives in a cave. But now, well now, NBC is a dried husk surviving off the writing talent of Tina Fey and the waning appeal of Steve Carell. What else is even on this channel? Nowadays when I careen by NBC at 90mph, on days not showing Law & Order: SVU, Guy Fieri, that sandwich-man from the Food Network, is making people stack cups and flip quarters into a jar! This is entertainment on NBC? I guess so. Well, that sucks, because really NBC — CBS the land of addicts and NCIS spin-offs — is just kicking your cape-wearing, event-stalling, outsourced ass all over the ratings chart. Never would have happened in the Seinfeld years.

Fox, however, reigned supreme last week with juggernaut American Idol and edged slightly ahead of CBS to top the broadcast primetime adult 18-49 ratings. CBS was followed closely by ABC, and the network held together by Alec Baldwin and chewing gum came in last of the mighty four, again.

Furthering NBC’s descent into obscurity, in the list of top 25 shows for last week, only one NBC show placed. It was The Office — at number fourteen, yeah, not even in the top ten. American Idol held on to the top two spots, followed by Modern Family at number three, One Junkie, A Has Been, and The Kid Caught in the Middle came in at number four, Glee took the fifth spot, Mike & Molly landed at number six, and Grey’s Anatomy (This show is still on?! NBC, this is like being beaten by Trapper John M.D. in 1982) made it to number seven. The awesome Big Bang Theory was able to squeak by at number eight, How I Had Sex With All These Chicks And Then Met Your Mother slutted its way to number nine, and Head Slappers with Mark Harmon rounded out the top ten. [TV By the Numbers]

Should we talk about what’s on the “to be jettisoned on an ice floe” cancellation list for NBC while we’re remarking on how terrible a network it is? Sure. Already cancelled this season, Outlaw, Undercovers, and Chase. Well, what did we expect? What were these shows even about? Spies, outlaws, and law enforcement types also chasing outlaws? Sounds like this should have been one show called Law & Order: LA! This show is on indefinite hiatus! This makes complete sense.

Two shows currently bleeding out on the emergency room floor like a Sarah Palin television fiasco are; Perfect Couples (Olivia Munn, HA! You can’t act.) and The Cape (Naturally). Three others, Outsourced, Chuck, and Harry’s Law are still breathing, but I’m thinking if someone knocked out a plug, all the machines would start whirring, and Trapper John would come running in frantically with his hair and bedroom eyes screaming about “Codes” and “O2 STAT!”.

But here’s one thing NBC has accomplished — its tied with Fox for the number of cancellations this season, each have three, so that means something! Something bad. But really this is horrible since we mostly expect Fox to have several cancellations. They have a habit of producing jaunty little sitcoms and other random filler crap that just seem like fodder anyway. It’s a kinda “throw everything at the wall and see what sticks” philosophy.

NBC, well, the viewing public expects better. Mostly, right?

The Sheen Effect:

Do you know what happens when you have a mind-swelling coke rant and say rabid shit about your boss?

Well, you get fired, and your inexplicable hit television show stops production. Apparently stuffing his face with cocaine and hookers wasn’t enough to make CBS pull the plug on Charlie, Duckie, and the Teenage Fart Joke (#4 in ratings!), no, Carlos Estevez was fired after a full-blown narcissistic, anti-Semitic tinged, mini-Mel rant on the Alex Jones radio show wherein he stated this about his boss, executive producer, Chuck Lorre:

“There’s something this side of deplorable that a certain Chaim Levine – yeah, that’s Chuck’s real name – mistook this rock star for his own selfish exit strategy, bro. Check it, Alex: I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his unevolved mind cannot process.”

“Last I checked, Chaim, I spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write.”

He made it clear during the interview that he doesn’t believe the show can survive without him, telling Jones, “Watch your ratings, dudes. Watch your stupid ratings.” Sheen followed his statements with a letter sent to TMZ where he called Lorre, a “contaminated little maggot” and wished the producer “nothing but pain.” He’s also urging “all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.”

Yawr, okay, Carlos. Whatever. Here’s the continuing thing if you want instant nausea. Is it possible CBS could face a significant dip without its bread and butter ratings hauler? Likely. We’ll see.

So, that’s it for this week. Charlie Sheen is a Mel Gibson impersonator with some acute Gary Busey tendencies! Fantastic. American Idol‘s Seacrest monster still has your attention, since Fox is celebrating the blond teacup yorkie and his bevy of misfits; the stringy rocker, the crying J.Lo., and Yo Dawg Tito Jackson, who apparently still make all your thighs sweat and voice boxes tingle. This is sad. I need a cape.

Where Are They Now? “All That!” Edition

If you had kids, babysat kids, or were kids in the mid-90s, you probably recognize the cast of All That, the teen variety show that ran on Nickelodeon from 1994-2000. But do you know what happened to them when the show ended? Probably not! So let’s take a look back at some of the more popular cast members to answer the age-old question: Where are they now?

[slideshow id=2]

(Click images to see Then and Now photos)

The undeniable biggest success to come out of All That is Miss Amanda Bynes, comedy icon to Kelly Kapoor and star of such cinematic masterpieces* as What a Girl Wants, Sydney White, and She’s the Man. You’ve probably seen her most recently in the role of “Bitch for Jesus” in Easy A, her last role before she went into retirement, but not to worry—the Brett Favre of the acting world has already announced that she’ll be returning to film…and tweeted some sexy pics as part of her new-and-improved resume. Sadly, there appears to be nothing on the horizon for the one-time Holly Tyler, but surely it’s only a matter of time until Lorne wises up and places her among the ranks of her Amanda Show co-star and ex-boyfriend Taran Killam and…

Kenan Thompson, who’s currently sporting various facial merkins and bald caps on All That’s grownup version, SaturdayNight Live. Thompson’s movie career blossomed around the same time he begin his stint on All That, allowing him to get Perkisized in Heavyweights and deliver goal-scoring knucklepucks in The Mighty Ducks 2 and 3, but when puberty settled in, the roles dropped out…until SNL came along and gave him the distinction of being the first cast member to be younger than the show itself. It’s no doubt been tough on Thompson, making the transition from guy who speaks fake French in the bathtub to…uh, guy who speaks fake French on Weekend Update. OK, so maybe it hasn’t been much of a stretch, but it’s certainly a long way from peddling good burgers at Goodburger along with…

Kel Mitchell, who probably both hated orange soda and watching Kenan rise to the sketch-comedy version of stardom while he languished in pop-culture history as “the skinny one.” Since All That, Kel’s done a whole bunch of things you’ve never heard of, including some rapping and voice work, and has even joined the ranks of former teen titans Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Jodie Sweetin, and Jaleel White with his very own “OMG guess who died??” rumor. However, thanks to Goodburger, his fame will live on forever, unlike…

Josh Server, aka the Token White Guy, aka the Darrell Hammond of the cast. Server was the only cast member to stick around for all six seasons, and judging by how quickly he flamed out afterwards, it’s easy to see why he clung to the franchise with the tenacity of the entire Sex and the City cast put together. These days, Server mostly just hangs around in the back lots of Nickelodeon Studios, hoping somebody will offer a role for one of his trendy hats. Nobody’s heard from him in years, and it can only be assumed that he is sustained by glowing pieces of the Aggrocrag. Not that we really had terribly high hopes for him, unlike…

Alisa Reyes, who was the clear frontrunner to be that cast member who eventually finds a career in porn but ended up proving to be a #classydisappointment™. After perfecting the character of “unfunny, annoying screechy girl” on All That, Reyes got her kicks working the soap-opera circuit. She would later become one of the most prolific forgotten guest stars of our generation, appearing in single episodes of Malcolm in the Middle, NYPD Blue, Boston Public, ER, Six Feet Under, and many more. Reyes currently lends her voice to that most noble of American institutions, Playboy Radio. It may not be the hardcore porn we were hoping for, but we’re guessing she’ll still leave you satisfied, though maybe not in the same way as…

Lori Beth Denberg—the woman, the legend, the mystery. Sadly, after exhaustive research (read: looking her up in Wikipedia) yielded no conclusive information about her life after 2004, we have no choice but to imagine that her current life looks something like this:

An American comedic icon, Lori Beth Denberg is currently retired and living in the suburbs with her loving husband and 2.5children. Together, they form the improv group “And a Bag of Chips,” with performances taking place in their finished basement every Saturday night at 7:00 sharp. During the day, Denberg can be found driving around in her station wagon, stopping at lemonade stands, and dispensing Vital Information to the neighborhood children. We bet she’s a good hugger.

*This might sound sarcastic, but it’s not. “We” really, really love Amanda Bynes.

**Super special thanks to TheGrandInquisitor and DogsOfWar for all their patience and help with the dazzling audio-visuals.

DahlELama and The_Obvious are still BFFs despite not being able to agree on whether or not cheese is disgusting. They enjoy crashing each other’s religious holiday celebrations, liveblogging Top Chef, and the fact that their nieces and nephews are cuter than yours. This is their second collaboration. You should read their first one if you haven’t already.

Nights of the Amazon: Wonder Woman Reboot Has a Star

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Adrianne Palicki of Friday Night Lights fame has been cast as Wonder Woman after a long search for an even longer project that has finally found a home with NBC and David E. Kelley as producer.
It would seem that most every raven-haired actress from Angelina Jolie to Beyonce’ Knowles were either considered or expressed interest in reprising the role. Most recently rumors swirled when Mad Men star, Christina Hendricks remarked how excited she would be to take on the part. A far cry from the sentiments of Megan Fox, best known for mounting motorcycles in the Transformers movies, when she scorned the possibility of tackling the role and stated that she found Wonder Woman to be “lame,” sparking fury and contempt among the purists, and even garnering some disdain from Lynda Carter the iconic actress who played the role in the 1970’s version of the show.

Purists now believe that Palicki is a good fit, and Carter has given her blessing for her newly named successor to slap on the wristlets and tighten up her lasso. At 5”11, she certainly has the height and stature to play the Amazonian princess. And due to her appeal on Friday Night Lights as Tyra Collette, many find that she has the gravitas to handle the role, much unlike her costar Minka Kelly who may have enjoyed rumors that she too should be considered as the femme crime fighter. It’s certainly possible that if she were in the running, the most recent showing of her latest cinematic efforts in the movie The Roommate found those rumors effectively squashed. The Roommate earned a shameful 6% on the Tomatometer according to the Rotten Tomatoes review website. Not the highest endorsement.

Given the appeal of Palicki the only concerns that remain surrounds the plot and writing. Joss Whedon of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly fame was tapped to write a theatrical adaptation, but that version has been shelved indefinitely. Stepping in his place for the small screen version is acclaimed writer-producer David E. Kelley of Ally McBeal fame who already has a completed pilot. The early response to Kelley’s inaugural effort has not been good. Jace Lacob of the Daily Beast has called it “laughably bizarre.” and says, “Wonder Woman is presented as a weepy career woman-slash-superheroine with three identities.” Wowsa! What just what? He goes on to say that she’s “cloying” and “tragically un-hip.” Definitely not what you want to hear going into a new television series. And NBC, currently in fourth place according to recent ratings, can’t afford another failure.

Which makes one wonder given the current trajectory of The Cape and other failed series on the once prolific network, is NBC the best place for an iconic series of this ilk? Will the network responsible for reboots of The Bionic Woman and Knight Rider, both succumbing to quick cancellation, be able to pull this one off?

My instincts tell me to be quite wary.

Other than some talk of the upcoming plot and pilot there’s been no word as of late as to the costumery of the new Wonder Woman, which I assume could start much debate, especially since in the comic version she recently appeared in pants to the chagrin of many fans. I happen to like the symbolic bustier and short shorts, even if outdated, it’s still nostalgic. Should it be verboten since we’re apparently a much more sensitive viewing public?

For me, I like the whole package. A woman who could kick ass, command an invisible plane, and still look sexy as all get out while doing it. Who’s to say that’s not still feminist?

What do you think? How does the new Wonder Woman pilot sound? (Palicki aside….sounds like crap to me!) And should Wonder Woman get a 2011 makeover?

Ratings Shuffle: America Still Likes These Boobs on Their Tube

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So, Charlie Sheen does the Crack. Um, okay. I totally get it, booze, girls, and a television show that gives you a veritable monetary windfall — to, uh afford your booze, girls, and now crack cocaine. Sounds almost exactly what we expect from Charlie Sheen, minus the part where he tells kids to “Stay off the crack unless you know how to manage it.” Ho, Boy! Yeah. That Sheen — doing so much for America’s youth.

Anyway, this does nothing to explain how America is still keeping Two and a Half Men at the top of the Nielsen Charts. I’d really like to meet a Two and a Half Men fan one day. Mostly to see if they have tails and live beneath the basement stairs in various old age homes scattered throughout Middle America, but that’s for another day.

Here now is what’s going on in your new weekly ratings report!

CBS, this behemoth network full of single men and/or nerds sharing a home, military head slapping, and a guy who tells his kids about all the women he has sex with that aren’t their mother, was the leader of the pack last week pulling in 3.4 adults in the 18-49 group, edging out Fox which finished a tenth of a point behind with a 3.3 rating. ABC came in third with 2.1, and NBC, home of The Cape, trailed in fourth place with a 1.6 rating! (Is it because of the The Cape, because I think it’s because of The Cape.)

The number one program, and undoubtedly the biggest draw for the CBS network last week, was Sunday night’s Grammys Award Show which apparently many of you sycophants thought was awesome. I did not. We’ll agree to disagree on that point.

The much troubled Charlie Sheen and Co. came in at a more than respectable #6 according to Nielsen, but was beaten out by American Idol on both Wednesday and Thursday nights, followed by Modern Family, and Glee. However, the crack afficionado and cast still managed to win in ratings over House, NCIS (Head Slappers!), The Big Bang Theory, and Grey’s Anatomy, which rounded out the top ten. [TV By the Numbers]

Unfortunately, or fortunately, who knows! The network’s rebooted James Belushi and Jerry O’Connell legal drama, The Defenders, is looking at the chopping block. And, guys, it’s looking back and saying yum. Not the first show on the network staring down the barrel of cancellation, Medium had that honor. Reportedly, there’s a bit of scuttlebutt about how the network cancelled Medium just to put The Defenders, a seemingly worse show, in its place. That’s mostly all bunk since Medium had abysmal ratings and was slated for cancellation anyway. Case and point, I personally haven’t watched that show since the early 00’s right before the big, “I see dead people who haunt me and help me solve crimes” boom, which eventually became, “I have psychic/stellar deductive reasoning skills to help me solve crimes and wiggle my eyebrows at pretty girls” boom, all mostly serving to clog up television like a preternatural arterial blockage of unoriginality. But whatever, Psych! It rules! The Mentalist…not so much. Luckily, we’re only down to about two of those now, but no, it’s certainly not The Defenders fault. It was just time for Medium to end.

Things also aren’t going so well for T.J. Hooker’s new grumpy old man series, $#*! My Dad Says. Um, can I just say that the Zapf Dingbats My Dad Says Shit-show didn’t really look like a good idea to begin with? I don’t know, but something about James T. Kirk walking around in a khaki vest haranguing his son, even without a purse on his arm, just seems so very 1986. Estelle Getty is probably somewhere in the ether shaking an angry fist at the blasphemous portrayal of her shtick.

So, that’s it folks. CBS reigns supreme. This makes me sad, mostly. I blame everyone else. I take responsibility for The Big Bang Theory, but that’s all. We should gift wrap V in an alien egg incubator and give it to CBS. That would help. No, really, this is awesome for CBS, I think.

Back to the Island! 5-0 Style!

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I know you missed my updates from the 50th (and 3rd-Awesomest) state.

I’m sorry! The holidays and whatnot. I’d like to say that you didn’t miss much on Hawaii 5-0, but you did. You missed so much!

But, we can’t go back in time, so we are just going to have to pick up with this week’s lessons about National Security, Fashion, and Shaved Ice. Don’t worry. You don’t have to have seen the episode. This is all about what we can learn about the world around us. 5-0 Style!

Recap!

Fake pirates kidnap rich kids off of a boat and ask for ransom. 5-0 saves the day!

Pirates are Everywhere!

One of the main things I learned this week? Pirates are everywhere. (It was right there in the header.) Apparently, they are a huge problem in Hawaii. So huge, in fact, that if you want to kidnap somebody, you should totally just pretend to be a pirate. Because then you will just blend in with all the other pirates.

(Note: Apparently it helps if you dump a dead pirate on the deck. This is very convincing.)

Other things we learn later about real Hawaiian pirates:

They don’t kill people, just rob them.
People who kill people are fake pirates.
HOOYAH is apparently the name for the pirate code of silence. (A real pirate said it during interrogation. This one in particular might come in handy.)
If you have a specific engraving on your watch, the pirate will not pawn your watch, but wear it, just in case he needs an alibi for a kidnapping that occurred at the same time he stole your watch.

(Note: These things may only apply to Hawaiian pirates. I make no promises that they will work on other pirates. If you are near Somalia, you are on your own.)

Nick Lachey’s Lover is Trapped in the Closet!

I hate love hate love! obvious examples of Chekhov’s gun. You know the old saying “If there is a Nick Lachey in the scene, somebody is going to get shot by the end of the episode.” Well, at the beginning of this episode:

The only person left on the boat when 5-0 shows up is a super-cute girl that hides in a closet on the main deck. Sorry, do I hear bells ringing in my head?

Her boyfriend who meets her at the dock is Nick Lachey, and they leave together “never to be seen again.” HOLY SHIT THOSE BELLS ARE LOUD!

(Note: If at this point you predict that she will be the one who has to bring the ransom to the head bad guy at the end, who turns out to be…Nick Lachey (WHAT?!), you have seen television before.)

Technology Rules!

5-0 has a Surface, or whatever those table computers are called that can take an excel spreadsheet and magically turn all the matching squares into neon green blocks with “MATCH!” written in comic sans. It’s like the world’s most powerful “My First Matching Game!” But that wasn’t the cool part.

They also take “biometric” mug shots of your eyeballs so they can match your face to people in ski masks that have eyes that look exactly like NICK LACHEY! But that is not the cool part either.

They also have a button on all police computers that you touch and it “Transfers call to 5-0.” I’m sorry. Did I say computer? I meant computer screen! That was even cooler, but still not the cool part.

McGuffin or McGarble or Tall Guy has an iPhone App that just shows every kind of gun to a witness for identification purposes. I call it “Gunphone.”

“This one? *swipe* This one? *swipe* This one? *swipe* THIS ONE?! IT WAS AN AK-47!”

(Note: She is in on it! Why is she correctly identifying the gun?! Also, why do bad guys always use the same gun? “We matched ballistics to 400 other crimes on that island over there.” Also, couldn’t they have just figured out the type of gun by those exact same ballistics? Also, what does it matter?!)

*****

Break 1: Subtle Product Placement Edition: The families of the missing kids are all staying “at the Hilton.” Very smooth MacGuffin!

Break 2: Grace Park walks in wearing a red/pink top and green pants. My wife says “Why does she look like a watermelon?” I do not say: “Honey, Grace Park never looks like a watermelon.”

Break 3: Have I mentioned that their primary “man on the street” is a sumo-wrestler trainee who runs a shaved ice stand and gets his “intel” from “what I read in the paper.” 5-0 style!

*****

Pawn Shops Suck. Explode them!

At some point in the episode they needed information from a guy that runs a pawn shop. I don’t know why. I don’t care. Something to do with a single golden money clip that tied the entire case together. Here is what I do know. Pawn shops are always shady. Always. Is there a not shady pawn shop anywhere in the world? I think that if the guy at the pawn shop won’t help you out you should strap a grenade to the door of his office and then run out the front door. Fortunately for me, McGrudel agrees. BOOM! Maybe you’ll speak to 5-0 now Mr. Shady Pawn Shop Guy.

Sexy Time!

There is always some unnecessarily “sexy” element to 5-0. This week it was how all the young kidnap victims were being held in a hot cage all half-naked. They looked like a commercial for Skins or something. It was totally inappropriate. Also, hot. Later in the episode they are trapped in a sweaty school bus. That was just creepy.

5-0 Don’t Care!

Armed kidnapping in international waters! Forget the FBI! Fuck the Coast Guard! 5-0 Don’t Care! State Police Task Force in the HOUSE!

Paying ransom to kidnappers like everybody says you are supposed to? No fucking way! 5-0 Don’t Care! We are going in armed and strong. Paying them will just lead to disaster! One kid’s dad ignored 5-0 and paid their family’s share of the ransom anyway. When the kidnappers killed a hostage for only paying part of the ransom, guess who they killed? That’s right punk. Listen to 5-0 next time! Because 5-0 don’t care! Paying = disaster!

After the kid died, 5-0 decided to pay up after all. Changing plans for no reason!? 5-0 Don’t Care!

*****

Break 4: Fight scene in a bar! (Doesn’t matter why.) (a) Grace Park can jump from the middle of one escalator to another and kick somebody in the face. (b) A guy named Bobby ran really fast. His hair looked like it was in a Flock of Seagulls cover band (he did not), and when he ran it started flapping like wings.

Break 5: Survivor Commercial. A former marine says that the best part of Survivor is no one is shooting at you. No Mr. Marine, that is the worst part about Survivor.

*****

How Did It End?!

According to the kidnappers, cute-girl-from-the-closet (remember her?) was the only one who could take the ransom to some dirty, sticky, warehouse or dock or whatever, filled with naked-kidnapped-teenagers, BECAUSE SHE IS IN ON IT! Who else knew that? That’s right 5-0 did! The money was just phone books! Thank goodness we don’t use phone books anymore, so they could just waste them all like that. “What are we going to fill the bags with?” “I don’t know. How about all those phone books over there?”

Anyway, BOOM! POW! Some disco lights go off or something. Nick Lachey runs and jumps into a trolley! McGrawhillber shoots him! Everybody lives except the kid of the punk-ass dude that did not listen to 5-0.

Moral!

Listen to 5-0! If you don’t, your kid will die! 5-0 don’t care!

Verdict!

Not enough Scott Caan.

Why I watch Cougar Town

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Strike that. I don’t just watch Cougar Town. I love Cougar Town.

I stumbled upon this show late last season when, during three days of being sick, I exhausted all my backlog on Hulu. And, fuck, what was I going to do? Watch Psych or any of those other “quirky” shows from USA? Go over to CBS’s wasteland?

I figured, eh, I’ll watch Cougar Town and be offended and it will entertain me for a while.

Sadly for my love of righteous outrage, it was actually funny. And not about “cougars.” (Even though I think the early part of Season 1 tried to make that happen. It failed. Because that concept sucks.)

You should take the show for a test run. It’s fluffy and entertaining and contains my favorite character on TV right now (sorry, it’s not Aubrey Plaza). It’s Busy Phillips as “Laurie.”

I have a soft spot for crass women with big, loud personalities. And an especially soft spot for people who don’t take themselves seriously and are kind of vulnerable to boot.

Laurie fits that bill perfectly. I loved her when she tormented her ex-boyfriend’s father – “I just can’t remember if I left my hairdryer here. Must be my pregnancy brain.” Or when she talked with Cox’s character “Jules:”

Laurie: But drama is such a turnon! It makes my lady parts beep.
Jules: Would you rather be with someone emotionally stable or someone who, at game night, carves “die bitch” on the kitchen table because you think he sucks at Jenga?
Laurie: There are positives and negatives to both.
Jules: There really aren’t.
Laurie: I know. And, honey, I am sorry about your table.
Jules: That’s OK. I added a T so now it says “diet bitch.” So actually it’s really helpful!

She is a badass and I like her.

(I have the video embedded, but it isn’t working, so here is a link to what I tried to post.)