Ah, the work bathroom.
I need that cubicle. I despise it, and hate it, and need it. Once I go in there, and close and bolt the door, I have the few minutes of privacy I need before I plunge back into the chaotic land of the workplace.
Until she comes in.
Oh, you all know her. She’s the one who comes in chatting on her cell phone about dinner plans and what show they’re going to go and does her honey bunny love think The Book of Mormon is worth the expense? Because maybe they could get something at the TKTS booth in Times Square and have just as good as a time! The background music to all this is my urine stream. I do not want this being pinged off cell phone towers atop the Empire State Building. What amazes me is that she keeps talking as she enters a stall and continues to talk while dropping her own panties and going to town. Have you no shame? Is the person on the other end of the call not a wee bit weirded out by the flushing of a toilet?
Sometimes, she comes in and looks for your shoes. I am annoyed by this because my shoes are a symbol of vulnerability at that moment, surrounded as they are by my waistband and underpants. She should not be looking. But she does. Oh, how are you, Newsbunny?, she’ll ask. Well, I’m just fine. Thank you. I try for one word answers but the people who intiate these conversations at these times do not understand the grunt. They take it as a come-on, not a put-off. I don’t want to talk about your hair or how hard it is to find a nice pair of pants or how crazy management is. This is private time. Go away.
The oversharer doesn’t care who is the stall. She just starts talking to you like you’re her OB-GYN. This is how I found out my insane co-worker is nearing fifty and still menstruating. Just becuase I have a vagina, doesn’t mean I want to hear about your vagina. BTW, she is very proud of this fact.
There are others. The one who comes in and takes the stall directly next to you when there are six others empty. The one who hums to herself. WTF is up with that? The one who is constantly sighing and huffing while in there. Will I find a baby in the toilet?
All I want is to pee in peace. Like three minutes. That’s all I want.
