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5 posts

The Subway Is My Ice Castle

wallofskatesI clamp on my purple headphones, crank up the iPod, and in my mind’s eye, and I envision a woman, a girl really, skating in perfect accompaniment to whatever song pops up. Classical. The Stones. Springsteen. Gaga. She can skate to anything. She can do beautiful layback spins, and spirals, and double and triple spins, all perfectly.

As I’ve told you before, I’m not known for my grace. By the time I was a freshman in high school, I had, between my two ankles, broken them 10 times. So when I told my mother I would like to join my high school’s figure skating team, she was appalled. Continue reading →

Happy New Year! Time to Feel Shitty About Yourself!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kY84MRnxVzo
Sir Mix-a-Lot says you’re awesome just the way you are.

Hello, Fatso!

The holidays are over. O-V-E-R. So what are you doing, lazing about the floor, watching that marathon of Hoarding? You know what you’re hoarding? Fat. fatfatfatfat. You are a worthless jerk who will make less money all your life and never find love because you shop at Lane Bryant or at the Big and Tall store.

The commercials are all here to tell you that.   Continue reading →

I Hate Your Feet

I hate feet.

Oh, sure, they’re nifty for walking about. I use mine every day! But I hate them. I hate the look of them. Toenails. Think skin. Heels. I get pedicures every once in a while and I despise the sensation. I feel terrible about thrusting my my feet at someone’s hands and face for filing and moisturizing and painting. It’s a te thing to do to a human.

I won’t wear sandals in the summer. I abhore summer because everyone else is wearing sandals, and I have to see their feet. My husband loves his flip flops and his Jesus mandals. He wanders around our apartment barefoot. Every once in a while I’ll look up to find his foot in his face, his toes wiggling, and him exclaiming, “look at this! Don’t I have perfect arches? Don’t I?” He laughs manically as I scream and wiggle away. You just can’t trust a redhead.

I never walk around barefoot. I like big fluffy socks that make me look like a yeti.

It is one of the reasons I long for fall. The sandals will go away. Socks shall be donned. My cowboy boots will come out. And all shall be right with the world.