1 post

Craigslist Personals – Everyone Is Nuts

Morrissey sang the following words: “Oh, the Devil will find work for idle hands to do.”

Apart from him being a tortured closet case, you have to agree with him.

As you know, I am in Gay Nirvana with a man whom I adore.  But it was a long road to finding him.  (Straighties, stay with me – there’s plenty for you here and you know I think the world of you.  Except Arken.  Allergies to kitties are a character flaw.)

I’m homo alone, it’s cold and rainy, there’s nothing on TV and I finished my latest Douglas Preston / Lincoln Child confection of a book.  So, whilst surfing the Intertubes, I made a mistake.  I looked at Craigslist.

This wasn’t a mistake like Holy-Shiz-Betts-Is-A-Slut.  I wasn’t DOING anything, just looking.  Here’s why – you know that part in The Wizard Of Oz when he’s trying to be all Great and Powerful and Toto yanks the curtain off, exposing the fact that Oz is basically generated in a 1930s Frigidaire?  I LOVE that.  Because most people are full of baloney, and the best relationships are between people who know this and embrace it and maybe like your baloney a little.

I learned the following.

  • 1) No gay man on Craigslist is a top.  (For you straighties, this means a fella who likes to do the penetrating.)
  • 2) No one has a face picture.  There are lots of improbably worked-out chests, and if you forgot what a penis looks like, there’s plenty of that.  The M4M section is like a Sam’s Club sized crate of hotdogs.
  • 3) No one spells the word “discreet” correctly.
  • 4) There are codes! Skiing = coke, roses = you’re paying for the nookie, climbing = meth (I think).

Dating is tough on a Gay of a certain age.  We’re more repressed, the social damage done to many of us as kids leads to issues, and the pool is just smaller.  I lived this, and so have most of my friends.  Wee Gays have it a lot better.  That’s not bitching, it’s just fact.

But you straighties?  I don’t know how the human race survives, because I looked there too and lots of you are crazy.  Need a chubby girl to sit on your lap?  She’s there.  Ladies, are you driven wild by a man in panties? He’s there too.  HPV cases? Got ’em!  One gal calls herself a Goddess – why is she still single?  One jerk posted a pic of himself looking more stoned than James Franco in a bar.  I now will look at every child I see as a small miracle, because that is what they are.  I’m also not letting Cap’n Crocker out of my sight.

Lesbians had a startling amount of platonic friends to pick from, and men willing to impregnate them. (One such dude posted a sonogram, in case the lovely Sapphic ladies have never seen a baby.)  A few of the actual lesbians were crazy as well – one wanted to “lick and learn” and another was a Pool Having Sugar Momma.   I’m not sure what to do with either of those things, but I’m sure someone must have a clue.  Maybe a margarita with extra salt would work for both of them.

Craigslist is like a giant klieg light on the cavalcade of batshittery that is being single in the US.  I was afraid to even peek at Sweden’s version.  Not without a cocktail.

Aaaand, here’s where Uncle Betty gets servicey, because we may have forgotten something recently: Grandmother was right.

First of all, if you have a relationship with someone who isn’t an alkie, or abusive, or emotionally distant, you grab that person by the hand and never let the hell go.  You appreciate that person and you make sure s/he knows it.  Your honeybun likes lemon tarts?  He should get them on the regular.  Your sweetiecakes likes silk scarves?  You send one once in a while to her office with a note that says the color reminded you of her eyes. (She may go to pieces at her desk, which is ok.)  Your snoogins wants you to jump in your NYPD uniform and play cops n’robbers and fun with cuffs?  Now THERE’S a birthday present.

Ahem.  Overshare.  Sorry.

But if you’re single, Grandmother was STILL right.  You’re best off meeting people who already know some of your friends or family.  This way they’re inclined to treat you better.  I know that keeps the pool a bit smallish, but all you need is One Right One.  And it’s more important that there are shared values and interests, because some day her perky ass will be a lot closer to her cankles, and some day his strapping shoulders may stoop a bit and he may fart in bed.

Love the one you’re with, and be careful out there, kittens.