Movies

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Ten Overlooked Movie Recommendations

Here are ten movies you might not have seen that you definitely should.

Safe

In her first leading role, Julianne Moore portrays a demur housewife who literally begins to do battle with her modern surroundings. While there are periods with very little dialogue, the movie is quite disturbing. As a person that has serious allergy problems, I can relate to the claustrophobia that sets in when you realize your problem is inescapable. In addition, the latter part of the movie is quite interesting because you start to wonder if she even has a problem at all.

(I don’t think this is currently in print on DVD)

Saved!

With Mandy Moore, Jena Malone, and a grown-up Macaulay Caulkin you really aren’t sure what to expect. However, as someone that has seen the religious right at its most extreme I can assure you this movie, while trying to be preposterous, is actually pretty accurate.

5 Fingers of Death

Anyone that is a Tarantino fan should see this movie if only to see a movie that served as inspiration for most of the Kill Bill films. It is an eye opener in the fact that you see how directors are inspired by certain movies and how they use that inspiration in their own movies. Many people would call it plagiarizing but I think it is just an ode to a forgotten genre.

Primer

An indie movie about a box, a storage place, and time travel. You would think it doesn’t work but for some reason it does. The movie looks great and takes what is usually a grandiose theme down to a more pedestrian level. It also won the Grand Jury Prize at Sundance in 2004, which kind of tells you what kind of film it is. Basically, not the science fiction film for your Nascar loving, action movie watching, white trash uncle.

The Last Unicorn

Yes, it is a cartoon but it voiced by Alan Arkin, Mia Farrow, Jeff Bridges and Angela Lansbury, among others. The voice acting and music are definitely top notch. Basically the last unicorn, is searching for others of her kind because she fears she is the last. It is kind of sad for a cartoon but makes up for it with its sheer storytelling power and ends up being quite magnificent and memorable.

The Last Picture Show

In another fictional town (this time in Texas), we see a coming of age story that features a relatively green cast surrounded by veteran character actors. It is a great story shot in black and white that is quite devastating. Being from a small town in Texas, myself, I can say this movie hits the nail on the head and captures the feeling quite perfectly. The cast as a whole delivers stand out performances with an especially great ones from Cloris Leachman, Ben Johnson, and Ellen Burstyn. We are also introduced to Cybill Shepherd, Timothy Bottoms, and get to see a young Jeff Bridges in action.

Here is Ben Johnsons Oscar-winning monologue for your enjoyment.

Dick

Michelle Williams and Kirsten Dunst befriend President Nixon only to find themselves in the midst of the Watergate scandal. I’ll start off by saying this film is a lot smarter and funnier than you think. Many of the subtle jokes are dead on balls accurate and entertained my aunt, a lawyer, who was very hesitant to watch this in the first place.

*batteries not included

Cute robots, old ladies and awful developers that want to tear her house down. I mean, the robots even make hamburgers! What is not to like?

Drop Dead Gorgeous

USA is a-okay! Amer-I can! These are just a few themes from the past American Teen Princess beauty pageants in the fictional small town of Mount Rose, MN. The movie has murder, hilarity, bad shellfish, and crazy plot points that keep you laughing until the end. In addition, you see Amy Adams early in her career as the promiscuous cheerleader. Also, DWTS contestant Kirstie Alley is hilarious as are Denise Richards, Allison Janney, Brittney Murphy Kirsten Dunst, and Ellen Barkin. See the trailer here.

Enter The Void

I know, I know, no one likes moist towellete come to life, Paz de la Huerta, but this movie rises above her (on a few different levels). This movie is best seen in a theater and possibly on some form of narcotics although it really is a drug on its own. It toys with a few different themes (including reincarnation) and is quite disturbing at a variety of points. Oh, and the credits are great. In fact, here they are!

Weekend Box Office: Russell Brand Could Kiss You Right Now!

Blech. I can’t imagine what a Russell Brand kiss would be like. I imagine sort of like the mashing of sweetly decaying mango with the hairy tickle of an ape called Trudy.

You guys, though — you guys think he’s a movie God derived straight from Zeus’s naughty place. Behold what you’ve done.

1) Hop — $21.7 Million

A drunk bunny living in a penthouse. He’s walking the streets of New York City hoping to find love, a purpose, possibly a mother figure conjured out of a shrewish Mary Poppins person but with less singing, and more commentary than is comfortable about his sexual exploits. Since the biggest fear a drunk bunny can ever have is being a destitute drunk bunny, he needs to find a wife. Preferably one who’s obviously in the rages of a severe career meltdown to have thought hanging out with a drunk bunny, and his bevy of unfunny jokes about being a stunted toddler, was the way to say to the world, “Hey, I’m not just the wife of an actor whose best movie was being the best friend of another actor. Oh, no! I’m my own person. I’m funny. See! I’m funny!” cry, garble, cry, crumple-face. But the drunk bunny doesn’t want Jennifer Garner as his love interest. No, he wants Greta Gerwig, strange, indie, earnest-faced sibling-esque Gerwig, with whom he actually has no romantic chemistry, mostly because the world is really all about him, and his silly pants, and his Silly-Putty face-mush, and his desperate, all consuming need for us to love him, his bunny feet, and his dervish of random banter resulting in the destruction of comedy as we know it.

2) Arthur — $12.6 Million

Russell Brand (in a top hat no less!) and James Marsden are roommates! This dynamic duo team of Bosom Buddies is all about rock and roll, chicks (like literally) and Holiday Jesus marshmallow fun! R.Bro and J.Dude are going to set the world on fire with their ability to woo the likes of any upright standing female, from popstars to c-list actresses. No one will ever be better at catching the ladies than these two. Except they need to have access, and a ladies-only apartment building is just the place. Uh-oh…but they’re guys. What will they do? Well, of course dress up as women and move in! Hopefully no one will notice the two broad shouldered, coarse-haired, gigantic ladies with Adam apples the size of the Chrysler building. Of course they won’t. But every time these two lotharios come in close contact with the unsuspecting ladies, something wonky happens and oops what do you know hijinks ensue complete with make-up, pantyhose, and wigs made from the regenerating scalp Donald Trump keeps in a hyperbaric chamber. While Brand falls all over himself with his palsy-ridden, elastic bones — Marsden will keep the ladies entertained with his shirtless meanderings and mouth as wide as two Julia Roberts mandibles full of Velociraptor teeth and the skinless skulls of various paparazzi!

(Does it really matter that these two movies are completely different? No. It’s all interchangeable really. America has made no distinction between Russell Brand and the existence of movies that he isn’t the star of.)

3) Hanna — $12.3 Million

A blond snow princess will break all your body bones and then run for hours. This movie should have been titled, Hanna Will Run Nonstop — Pop Your Tibia — And Then Run Some More. The End. No, seriously, this was really it. Oh, some people will be all angry weird because she’s a running, bone-crunching machine. I imagine there are uses for these types of teenagers in the world. Instead of texting, sexting, and twittering their Facebooks off and the like, they should be trained to dislocate shoulders. I think this could be a useful trade. Sort of like working for the DMV. The people at the DMV secretly love their jobs, especially watching you walk from line to line, just to say that you don’t have Form B, or you didn’t fill out section 17a, and then send you back to line 4, which hasn’t moved in over an hour because line 6, which you’re currently in, sends everyone back to line 4. Yes, yes, I think there is joy in this. And so would there be for patella-punching teens. Imagine the DMV with more Kung Fu and broken kneecaps! Fantastic. Teens need an outlet, I think. I’d rather they slap an eardrum than let the bastion of exploitation named Teen Mom decide their futures. Right? Right.

4) Soul Surfer — $11.1 million

Well, obviously, if you want to see some sort of religious movie that stars a vicious non-human creature than you should see Hop, or Russell Brand and James Marsden yukking it up, or Peter Scolari doing dinner theatre in Albuquerque while he writes threatening messages to Tom Hanks. No, no, that’s not it. You should probably see this little movie about a girl with one arm and prayer. Or maybe not. This country is sad. We don’t like miracle sea-limbs. We’d much rather see a drunk vaudevillian carnival carney with Land of the Lost Chaka-brows. Yes, that’s it. Sorry soul-surfing teen with your celestial surf board. You’re really no match for the anointed, walking Katy Perry tattoo. He’s really that unstoppable. Maybe if you crash into him with your board and can maybe pop some patellas, like the snow princess who may have burst from Eric Bana’s boring loins, you may stand a chance of dethroning our new president, King Hairy Chuckle-Pants.

5) Insidious — $9.7 Million

Have they really tried to rid the house of all evil? Not just the little evils that live in the basement, or the attic, or under the sink. But all the little dusty evils under the bed? Because obviously, when they work their way up to the bed proper, they get caught in the mattress folds and then you have an infestation. That’s what leads to possession. It’s not really the evil you can see and hear. It’s the teeny, tiny, little evils that you can take with you to your office. The ones that stick to your desk chair and the carpeting. Next thing you know, you need an exorcism in your bedroom, and then at your office, because all the evils have procreated and multiplied. Now you have evils and devils. The devils…yeah, those are just the worst. They just impregnate everything. Next thing you know you have to burn your sheets, because you can’t just wash out the devil. You literally have to set it on fire and then buy all new things. But you better make sure you’ve completely rid the house of everything, or they’ll just come back, with more and more, because they’re so stubborn those evils and the devils. So just be sure you get it all.

Apropos of Nothing:

Your Highness came in sixth place raking in $9.5 million, which means Natalie Portman’s brilliant Oscar follow-up was this close to getting in the top five this weekend, which would have meant at least something redeemable, maybe. To not even get on the board means starring in this movie was as bad a decision as she thought it would be. She’ll laugh it off, though. And when someone brings it up, she’ll look really tight in the face and remark how genius she thinks James Franco is and how much she’d like to work with him in the future on a more serious project. To which Franco will say, “Bong! Pass it over.”

Movie Review: Your Highness

Your Highness

Starring: Danny McBride, James Franco, Natalie Portman, Zooey Deschanel

Directed by: David Gordon Green

Written by: Danny McBride, Ben Best

What do you get when you mix some of the sensibilities of The Princess Bride, creatures that could belong in 80’s Jim Henson fantasy films, a dash of Pineapple Express stoner action and the humor of Eastbound & Down? That may be a rhetorical question because the answer is obvious; you get Your Highness.

The film has a pretty basic premise. When noble Prince Fabius (Franco) has his bride to be, Belladonna (Deschanel), kidnapped by the evil wizard Leezar (Justin Theroux) he sets out on a quest to rescue her accompanied by his lazy stoner brother Thadeous (McBride) and his brother’s manservant Courtney (Rasmus Hardiker). Along the way they encounter the fierce warrior maiden Isabel(Portman) who has a score to settle with Leezar herself.

I was sold on this concept from the very first moment I heard about it. Medieval fantasy? Check. Absurd premise? Check. Actors I enjoy? Check. Animatronic creatures? Check. Great director whose already proven himself with “stoner” films? Check. It seemed to me like it had so much potential. And Danny (Kenny Fuckin’ Powers) McBride not only stars in it but co wrote the feature as well. It brought to mind some of my favorite childhood films like Krull, Dragonslayer and Ladyhawke but with fouler language. I thought this is a sure thing.

However, it kind of misses the mark. It’s not as though the film isn’t funny, in fact it has a number of lines, scenes and sequences that I find downright hilarious. But I can’t help but feel it’s a bit restrained in spite of the R rating.

Which is rather unfortunate. First of all, I thought Franco and McBride were great. They were able to play off each other in a way that was effective without being overly cheesy (though this film did require a degree of cheesiness). Franco with his unwavering determination and charm and McBride with his crass humor and vulgarities in full swing.

Justin Theroux in my mind kind of stole every scene he was in. Leezar is a ridiculous character and Theroux brings a lot to the table with the scenes he does have. He also has some of the better lines in the film all told in my mind.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Rasmus Hardiker as Courtney. I had never seen him in anything before but I felt he had pretty excellent comic timing and added a lot to the film.

Writing women does not seem to be McBride and writing partner Ben Best’s strong suite however. Natalie Portman looked great (she always does) but her character was pretty one sided. She did have a few ridiculous lines delivered in the exact same tone as everything else she said. That was probably intended to help the humor, but to me it distracted from it. As for Zooey Deschanel she’s hardly in the movie at all and serves more as a plot device than a real character.

This is a very different style of film for director David Gordon Green. Sure he covered stoner territory in Pineapple Express, but this was a big budget medieval fantasy stoner film. I honestly don’t think the issue was his direction. And might I add that the cinematography was excellent (they shot in Northern Ireland, what a beautiful country).

I think what it comes down to is that they didn’t or perhaps couldn’t utilize fully what they had. There were hardly any stoner related jokes or gags and one would expect that to be prevalent. Although it was quite funny in parts it always felt like there was just a little something missing. Which is really too bad because I wanted to love this movie and just ended up liking it. I give it 3 and a half beers.

Hollywood’s ‘Totally Bogus’ Movie Plans for You

Movies are about to get excellent again, a wrong zig-zag can leave you toe tagged and body bagged, Madea does good, the Arnold gets animated, and Captain Kirk spaces out.

This week’s movies are out of time.

A Journey into Excellence: Talk about getting back to your roots. As we speak Keanu Reeves is waiting anxiously for the script for the third installment of Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure. I can’t imagine greater news. How will a new Bill and Ted movie contain all of the dynamic facial expressions Keanu Reeves has perfected over the last twenty years? They must have a plan. I assume it involves Plaster of Paris and Sandra Bullock holding his eyebrows in place. But just how will they update the whole traveling via telephone booth thing? It’s not like they can change that phone booth into say a policeman’s box, and then move the whole shebang across the pond to London, and maybe add a zany guy who’s maybe a doctor but probably is just really an actor wearing a bowtie? Can they do this? Can Keanu affect a respectable British accent? What? Bram Stoker’s Dracula? What about it? Oh, okay. Nevermind.

Lighting Up Our Lives Forever: Since it’s either pirate ships or living in a tin can in the mouth of a whale, Disney just will not rest until we incorporate some faction of their world into our daily lives. They’re pinning their next round of hopes on Tron: Sequel to An Ill-Conceived Sequel! Are you excited? I am. Because what’s not to be excited about neon glowsticks affixed to futuristic matchbox motorcycles? We need these things in our lives, right? Nothing is better than life and death Geometry. Perpendicular and isosceles — all these things from 9th grade! Never thought we’d use it again. Well, we’re not really using it now, we were mostly supposed to just look at Garrett Hudlund’s hair and aquamarine eyeballs, but really it was about watching grizzle-bear Jeff Bridges’ disembodied young face-flesh attached onto some actor’s body who had to tell people, “Hey, look guys, that’s me.” “Where, Josh?” “Right there…with Jeff Bridges’ head on my body.” Surely his proudest acting moment since the Right Guard commercial aired in Turkey.

Today in Wigs and Dresses: Tyler Perry has plans for his latest movie. Tyler Perry will produce, star, and direct the new movie, Tyler Perry’s Perry’s Tyler. Well, no that’s not it. It will be called Good Deeds, because we assume if you’re going to a Tyler Perry film you are indeed doing a good deed…for his checkbook. No, that’s not right. It’s a good deed….for his popularity. Wait, no! No! It’s a good deed…for his continued ability to make movies. Oh, no. I don’t know what exactly the purpose is for this. I think the movie has something to do with romance and Tyler Perry. There’s been no news of a female lead, so I assume the movie will entail Tyler Perry staring in a mirror counting his money and threatening to beat someone with a shoe.

Yes, we know. He’ll be back: Arnold Schwarzenegger has missed you guys. He’s been planning on a way to entertain his masses of fans, and anyone not affected by a skyrocketed California budget, for the last few months. In his off time he’s put his ear to the ground, sent out notices by carrier pigeon, light speed, and pony express for the best movie scripts available, and in walked the Governator. Started as a comic book, the ex-ruler of Cali-for-nia firmly believes that he can turn this comic about a powerful robot, or a hair plug recipient, or a bag of saggy muscles into an actual theatrical film that we the viewing public would pay money for in some universe that exists outside of 1987. Yes, he believes this will happen. We shouldn’t encourage it. There’s so much he wants to do with this Governator character. He’s talking video games, a television series, a cartoon — that’s just so much Arnold. Just so, so, much. We’ll need smaller doses. I’m thinking his picture on a Speedo box or a guest appearance on the Jimmy Fallon show doing spoken word with Brian Williams.

Going Back to Where Man Has Been Before: So we kind of liked that little Star Trek reboot a couple years ago, right? Chris Pine did his hunky best at being the pause-afflicted Captain Kirk, Zachary Quinto all but nailed being Spock, and Zoe Saldana mostly ran around in a short skirt until they made her a large blue donkey in a world run by James Cameron dragons. We enjoyed this, yes? Seems like it took a long time for the studio to decide that another Star Trek movie, alongside the dozen already in existence, was needed in the world. Honestly, I’m not sure how much more space there’s left to explore. If I had to guess, I’d think the Star Trek people were just puttering around the cosmos like janitors hoping to sweep up a discarded space-sandwich and make a new tale out of bologna and sauerkraut. Despite a largely successful debut, some fans were disappointed with what the reboot brought to the table. Mostly it sounds like a lot of Spock envy.

Casting News

Mark Whalberg, of the Funky Bunch Wahlbergs, will get his laugh track in shape for the comedy, Bait and Switch
Ben Affleck, the Daredeviling townie, is in talks to play Tom Buchanan in The Great Gatsby
Sean Hayes, Will and Grace star of Just Jack, will take on the role of Larry in the Three Stooges
Rob Van Winkle, the hammer-loving Vanilla Ice contractor, has scored a supporting role in Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg’s, I Hate You Dad
Lily Collins, the daughter of Sussudio creator Phil Collins, has been cast as Snow White
Hugh Jackman, advisor to all Wolverine mutton chops, may join Snow White and the Huntsman
Chloe Moretz has been let in to play Carolyn in Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows
Keanu Reeves, the speedy lake house owner, will make his directorial debut with Man of Tai Chi
Bret McKenzie, the flying conchord, will join Peter Jackson’s, The Hobbit
Leonard Nimoy, forever Spock, despite our internal despair, will join Michael Bay’s Transformers: Dark of the Moon as the voice of Sentinel Prime
Will and Jaden Smith will be underwhelming and atrocious in an Untitled M. Night Shyamalan thing of unwatchableness
Josh Hutcherson and Liam Hemsworth, the whitest guys you know, will play Peeta and Gale in the Hunger Games
Woody Allen, resident of Manhattan, will play himself in Paris Manhattan

Fortunately movies are optional. They’re not a law or anything. It’s not like Schwarzenegger could force you to look at him. He’s mostly silicone and fiberglass. I don’t know that for sure. Cyberdyne doesn’t return my calls.

[Rotten Tomatoes Movie News]

Weekend Box Office: Hopped Up on Victory

Well, good for hopping bunnies! You would think the Crasstalk community had something to do with the success of a movie about one of our favorite animals, but a las no, it was all that scraggly-haired simpleton and his gyrating pants, mostly. Bummer. We’re not rewarded for anything, unless you also saw Gyllenhaal get all leapish this weekend, or something about possessed kids in houses of doom, and then, well, all you probably got was a ticket stub and something stuck to your shoe.

Let’s see if it was worth it. Continue reading →

Opening Weekend: Source Decoded

I hope they explain where the people go for eight minutes while Gyllenhaal is in their bodies mucking around with doomed trains and such. If I had my choice it would be eight minutes in Antigua sipping on a fruity alcoholic beverage while eying a bacon cheeseburger. But that’s just me. I imagine the people in this movie are sent to some sort of government holding area. Not fun, and probably not nearly enough bacon. Pity, that.

This weekend’s movies have plans for your afterlife.

Source Code

I’m not sure if Jake Gyllenhaal takes off his clothes in this one, but the critics seem to like what they see.

When decorated soldier Captain Colter Stevens (Jake Gyllenhaal) wakes up in the body of an unknown man, he discovers he’s part of a mission to find the bomber of a Chicago commuter train. In an assignment unlike any he’s ever known, he learns he’s part of a government experiment called the “Source Code,” a program that enables him to cross over into another man’s identity in the last 8 minutes of his life.

What you can expect: Doctor Sam Beckett is forced into a time traveling accelerator prematurely and vanishes. He then finds himself in someone else’s body with partial amnesia. His only contact from home is Al, a holographic image only he can see and hear. Setting right things which once went wrong, Sam leaps from life to life, hoping each time that this is the final leap home. Scott Bakula then becomes Captain Jon Archer of the Star Trek: Enterprise. The end. No, not really. This will probably be a decent science-fiction offering. It may even be a compelling “edge of the seater” since they’re working with time and just minutes to make some paradoxical changes. And no kidding…Scott Bakula really is a part of this movie. He voices the part of Captain Colter’s father. Coincidence? I think not.

What could annoy: The fact that it’s a 21st century Quantum Leap? Perhaps, but not likely. Those who follow the meanderings of Jake Gylenhaal have no real idea of this show. They’ll tune in to watch him make googly eyes at Michelle Monaghan and try to save the world from terrorism or some other thinly-veiled government threatening baddies. Throw in a train and you’ve got the number one transportation-related horrorshow that’s cropped up in movies for the last year or so. Are trains really this sinister? I think we should go back to horse drawn carriages. No one ever got bombed in a carriage, well, unless you’re counting what happens if you’re downwind.

Hop

Get the Cadbury Crème Eggs ready. The reviews of Hop need the chocolate.

The battle for Easter is on! In HOP, Despicable Me’s Russell Brand voices E.B., the teenage son of the Easter Bunny. On the eve of taking over the family business, E.B. leaves for Hollywood in pursuit of his dream of becoming a drummer. Once there, he encounters Fred (James Marsden of the X-Men series, Enchanted), an unemployed slacker with his own lofty goals.

What you can expect: Complete amazement that it’s taken Hollywood this long to discover a kids movie about the Easter bunny. Normally you’d think perhaps they’d stay away since well, the whole Jesus thing, but apparently it’s okay because with Jesus you get bunnies and eggs! We have no indication that bunnies and eggs are tied to religion but we’ll maybe watch a whole movie devoted to the existence of a fanciful bunny and his divine offspring. That’s just a mind-blower, right? The Jesus bunny has a son. It’s a miracle. This also explains how the bunny mammal can lay eggs every year. Miracles, you see. After you absorb all of that, it’s a cute little movie, short on story and overwhelming charm, but long on colorful confections, James Marsden, and Russell Brand. I’m thinking you’re getting what you pay for.

What could annoy: Have you ever heard Russell Brand? Okay, then.

Insidious

Bedeviled kid manages to creep out the critics. Linda Blair felt a chill in the air.

Josh and Renai have a happy family with their three young children. When tragedy strikes their young son, Josh and Renai begin to experience things that science cannot explain.

What you can expect: Old school haunts and taunts. Gratuitous use of shocks and suspense instead of now run-of-the-mill gory torture porn. Shocking that this throw-back thrill ride came from the people who made the Saw movies. In addition, the folks behind the popular Paranormal Activity movies have lent this newest offering their “less is more” sentiments. Good pacing and thrilling sound effects round out the film. It’s said to be one of the better horror movies in the last few years. I’m a tough critic so it remains to be seen if it passes my test…which is making me scream at the film and tell the people up on the screen emphatically “Not to open that fucking door, you idiot!” or thereabouts.

What could annoy: Getting to the theater and everyone comes out saying, “Oh my God. I was so scared. I was crying. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” and you get in there and after the first few predictable scares of the “ Oh, no, not an open window and in jumps the cat” variety, you’re wondering if you paid your cell phone bill this month and that you really should have gotten Twizzlers because Snowcaps just really aren’t as fun.

Indie Picks of the Week

Trust

The reviews are still a bit middle of the road for this one, but steadily climbing.

When Annie, a 14-year old girl is seduced by a 41 year-old internet predator she knows only as “Charlie” it tears apart her family. While her father becomes obsessed with revenge fantasies, Annie enters therapy, where she refuses to admit she’s been victimized.

What you can expect: A newer take on a well-traveled road. The story is still relevant since our collective interconnectedness has increased with the advent of social networking sites, but the genre may be a bit overworked as of late. This is David Schwimmer’s of Friends fame sophomore directing effort. Clive Owen has been fairly quiet in the last couple of years, and it’s interesting seeing him play the family man as opposed to the sexy lead. This may mark the evolution of his career, or potentially the continued stalling if the movie doesn’t capture an audience in the same way some of his earlier indie efforts were able to achieve.

What could annoy: The well-treaded cyber stalker trope. We’ve seen this done before and done differently and probably better by other actors. Ellen Page in Hard Candy comes to mind. Every once in a while we get these teen girls as victims movies, and it’s possible we as the audience are less impressed with this story than Hollywood would like to admit. If you’re a fan of Law & Order: SVU this may not be altogether new territory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZXV-GLoLJc

Super

A lot less super than what they were hoping for.

When sad-sack loser Frank (Rainn Wilson) sees his ex-addict wife (Liv Tyler) willingly snatched by a seductive drug dealer (Kevin Bacon), he finds himself bereft and wholly unable to cope. But soon he decides to fight back under the guise of a DIY superhero called Crimson Bolt. With a hand-made suit, a wrench, and a crazed sidekick named Boltie (Ellen Page), the Crimson Bolt beats his way through the mean streets of crime in hopes of saving his wife.

What you can expect: Rainn Wilson taking on the sad schlubby role! Well, we always knew he had it in him. And his character on The Office is practically some sort of idiot savant superhero as it is, so this is an easy transformation. It’s nice to see Liv Tyler in something again. She was sort of an indie darling, something about her just not lending itself to many mainstream movies, other than the occasional elf, or Ben Affleck love interest, and I’m happy to see her still in this genre. Ellen Page another indie maven makes an appearance here apparently picking up with Wilson where her Juno character left off. All in all it looks to be a dark comedy held together with a more than apt cast. And yes, the Bacon’s in it.

What could annoy: Rainn Wilson. He’s an odd ball and he’s quirky, yes. His delivery in the film seems to be a bit of a one note, and possibly a bit whiny, which can sometimes eek out a bit too much in his The Office performances as well. Staying close to this comfortable realm may not be the worst thing in the world, but it appears that he still has a ways to go to be on the same footing as Ed Helms, another Office alum who’s recently transitioned into movies, and has largely won appeal for his efforts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eL57ncw2jr8

Here Is How Hollywood Is Going to Ruin Movies Again

This week is chock full of uncomfortable touching, killer doll denial, dudes who grow up, skulls and bones forever, a Goodfella’s sofa change, and dueling hair follicles.

It’s a strip mall Karate party.

Recalling the Past: You know how we were all like “oohhh, ahhhh” about that airport scene in Total Recall with all that cool X-Ray technology? Oh, ho! Now we’re all like “No skinless radioactivity, please, and TSA stop touching my nethers with your magic molest wands!” That’s right. Here in the future we‘d like you to avert your eyes while you feel us up and check for bombs in our footwear. Never thought that would happen. Nope, no sir. Total Recall was the pinnacle of technological advancement, yup virtual reality, robotic masks, and chicks with multiple mammaries. How exactly could they top this? Well, apparently Colin Farrell and Breaking Bad’s Bryan Cranston will attempt to figure out a way in a remake of Governor Conan’s 1990 hit, Total Reboot, or Total Revisit, or Total Revomit. Whatever.

Murdering Money Dolls: Reports came out this week that the “Money Greed Money” studio or MGM as it’s known to its friends, has denied rumors that it will be remaking the Child’s Play franchise starring homicidal pervy doll Chucky. Spectacular. Want to know why this doesn’t matter? Because they’re the studio responsible for rebooting Robocop, Poltergeist, and Mr. Mom, which effectively makes MGM the worst movie studio in the world. Seriously. If you’re emphatically denying rumors that the “crap at the bottom of the 1980’s movie barrel” i.e. Child’s Play, is beneath you, but you believe the world is clamoring for another Mr. Mom, than your priorities are so out of whack that most anything could seem like fodder for a film. Do you know what’s missing from the ever present cycle of remakes? Movies about monkeys. There are just not enough movie remakes that star monkeys. This is a fact. I think somebody better get on rebooting Every Which Way but Loose, or Monkey Shines. There’s a whole genre out there left undiscovered.

Bieber and Kutcher Get Big: I’d like to know when it was that Ashton Kutcher could just go into any movie studio and say, “I’m making movies, brodude!” and like a fecal miracle there would indeed appear a movie? Is this a new thing or unbeknownst to the rest of the world he’s always had this ability? If so, that’s just too much power for a Calvin Klein model to have. It’s a very scary thought. Just imagine Kutcher eating Lucky Charms and all of a sudden, “I’d like to be in a movie now, please” and there he is waving a leprechaun’s Shillelagh Stick. Supernatural. So obviously like some sort of movie-kryptonite vampire, Kutcher has sired the same result for girl-haired Justin Bieber. They’re teaming up for What Would Kenny Do a movie about a teen who meets a hologram that claims to be him as an adult. We assume Kutcher is the adult. Sounds awesome. Will Smith’s production company is developing the project. Sounds awesomer. Have we discussed the weirdness that is Will Smith’s family’s connection to Justin Bieber?

We’ve Had Enough of Your Booty: Can Jerry Bruckheimer’s pirate ship ever be stopped? Not while he and Johnny Depp are alive! Brucks and Depps are planning more Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Just more and more until that’s all that’s left in the world, Pirates of the Caribbean movies and olives. A fifth one of these things is being planned before the fourth installment has even opened in theaters! What the hell are these things even called now? Pirates of the Caribbean: Get Me My Reading Glasses or Pirates of the Caribbean: Is it Yesterday? There’s already a screenplay! The movies are now all about Captain Sparrow’s Slurred Speech! They’ve just decided that all those other flimsy characters, you know swashbuckling Legolas and damsel distressing Knightly are just filler. It’s really all about an alcoholic, plundering pirate and the people who keep plunking down their doubloons to see him get chased by things on land or sea. Fantastic. Arrrrrrr.

Meet The Fiddy: Somewhere I imagine Joe Pesci is quite amused. Veteran actor and beloved scary guy, Robert De Niro is teaming up again with Veteran Vitamin Water sponsor and beloved gun shot victim Curtis ‘50 Cent’ Jackson for Freelancers, a movie about the son of a murdered cop who enrolls in the police force. The movie will be produced by Fiddy’s production company, Cheetah Vision, and hopes to costar Forrest Whitaker who must also have nothing else to do on a Saturday. The movie starring two Oscar winners and Kanye West’s nemesis will be directed by Jess Terrero, director of Soul Plane. I really have no further jokes about this.

Hair-Off the Movie: The wigs of both John Travolta and Nicholas Cage will enter into yet another epic battle for the ages. There will be kung fu and spirit gum, jujitsu and viciously crafted widows peaks. Or they could just mash their bald heads together and sing songs from Grease. Anyway, the two hair wizards may be reuniting for two indie thrillers. Oh, yes — Travolta/Cage thrillers. Cue various frowning pauses, and looks of confusion and defiance that say everything and nothing, but mostly that they hope there are tacos for lunch. The ominously named, Shrapnel is about a former Bosnian soldier who seeks vengeance against the American who badly wounded him, and Sea Trial is based on the novel by Frank De Felitta. Hair-Off will be developed by me, because their follicular choices always play the lead in their movies anyway and should be turned into a reality show.

Casting News:

Amy Adams, the fairytale singing bruiser chick from Bahs-ton, will be lifted off her feet as Lois Lane in the Superman Reboot
Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit’s fresh face with the tart tongue, will be Sleeping Beauty in a reimagining of the classic tale
Bill Murray, Ghostbusters sequel denier and all around weird guy, will play FDR in a film adaptation of a British radio play
Armie Hammer, Facebook impresario and kitchen refrigerator deodorizer, joins The Brother’s Grimm: Snow White
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, hot off his gravity defying antics in Inception The Boring, will be Alberto Falcone, nee’ the Holiday Killer in The Dark Knight Rises
C. Thomas Howell, The Hitcher’s Mister, will be The Lizard, the main villain in the Amazing Spider-Man
Taylor Swift, Jake Gyllenhaal’s former bearded concubine, will voice one of voices in The Lorax — assuredly to our utter annoyance
Jodie Foster, who hasn’t made Contact in a while, will do so as director in another Sci-Fi project
Julianne Moore and Jeff Bridges of Madison County, will get all warlocky and witchy in The Seventh Son
And Kiefer Sutherland still thinks we care about 24, so he’s adamant a movie version will happen by 2012, even if he has to get all Jack Bauer on somebody. BOO-YA!

So much to look forward to, right? Well, so much to mock as much as possible. Really, what were these people thinking? Kutcher is the adult here, so we’ll be okay, he’s magic.

[Rotten Tomatoes Movie News]

Movie Review: Sucker Punch

Sucker Punch

Starring: Emily Browning, Abbey Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens, Jamie Chung, Carla Gugino & Oscar Isaac
Directed by: Zach Snyder
Written by: Zach Snyder & Steve Shibuya based on a story by Zach Snyder

Zach Snyder is a director that is probably best known for his visual flair. His groundbreaking work in 300, his beautifully realized (whether you liked the actual film or not) version of Watchmen, these are what people have come to expect from Snyder. Even his earliest feature, the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead showed that he was a director with a vision.

However his greatest strength is also his biggest weakness. Snyder is so focused on the visual spectacle that the story gets muddled and lost on the way to its ultimate realization. In the past when he was doing a remake or working with someone else’s material this wasn’t as noticeable. And ultimately he still pulled it off. However Sucker Punch is an entirely original film written by Snyder. And in this case that lack of focus or attention to story, plot & characterization is glaring.

It’s really no mystery at this point what Sucker Punch is about. The studio promoted the hell out of this thing. With a price tag of around $82 million not including marketing costs they had to. So I don’t think I give anything away here by recapping briefly (though there may be some mild spoilers, you are forewarned). “Baby Doll”(Browning) is sent to a mental institution. In there she meets fellow in mates “Sweat Pea”(Cornish), “Rocket”(Malone), “Blondie”(Hudgens) & “Amber”(Chung). The hospital is run through a combination of Dr. Vera Gorski(Gugina) and head lackey/orderly Blue Jones(Isaac).

Baby Doll, who’s got a limited amount of time sort of conjures up in her mind a dreamworld where she gets a quest to free herself from the asylum. Like in the trailer we’re told she needs a map, fire, a knife, a key and some other mystery object.

The majority of the rest of the film as shown in the previews is about Baby Doll and gang trying to procure those items through her warped vision of reality. What’s actually going on back in the asylum is anyone’s guess because we don’t even see it again till the film is almost over. This is part of the problem.

I understand that films want to have “layers” of dreams or subconscious. I mean hell it worked for Inception(at least I thought it did) so why not here. We spend much more time in that “second layer” the first layer being reality. In the second layer none of them are in an insane asylum, but rather in some strange burlesque/prostitution club. It’s through this layer that we get to the third layer which in this case is all the stuff you saw in the preview with dragons and weird steampunk zombie Nazis(which is kind of funny only because I had watched Dead Snow the night before for the first time) etc.

It all looks quite frankly for the most part pretty awesome. The action sequences are fast paced adrenaline pumping scenes. You see some really cool stuff that is very visually impressive. And you only stop and scratch your head a little bit wondering why exactly these 5 women are fighting all these things scantily clad in school girl outfits and other garb better suited for a fetish video than the alleged ass kicking they are handing out.

And then it really hits you. Because while you’re distracted by all the visual fireworks you’re not really thinking. Then wham you get sucker punched. The movie doesn’t really make any fucking sense whatsoever.

I’m sure Snyder had the best of intentions going into this. He just didn’t think things through. The idea is that Baby Doll is supposed to be getting “empowered” when she sets herself free in her mind and through that she can somehow free herself from the physical prison she’s in. What? How the hell is hallucinating your way through a smorgasbord of fanboy wet dreams equal freeing yourself? Are we to believe that Baby Doll is empowering and freeing herself by imagining herself slicing things with a katana in a school girl outfit? The very idea of it is preposterous. .

Like all good morality tales(and this kind sorta tries to be one) there is a lesson to be learned here. That lesson is apparently that Zach Snyder needs to stick to directing other people’s material. Because when it’s his own material we get flat emotionless acting, horrible dialogue and of course to hammer the same nail again an essentially incomprehensible plot. Of course wrapped up really really nice. Oh and sorry folks Jon Hamm is in the film all of five minutes; if you were going to see him, don’t.

Sucker Punch is a beautiful mess. I can’t say I’m anything less than impressed with the visuals, they are stunning and if that’s enough for you than go see it. If you’re looking for anything more save your money and see something else. I give it two beers.

Judging Movies By Their Posters

Hi all. Your neighborly cinephile dragon Vermithrax here. So I was thinking today and had an idea. What if I reviewed forth coming movies before they are released based solely on their movie posters? Sure it may have nothing to do with the actual movie themselves. But who cares! And then I’ll most likely see one of said movies the following weekend and report whether or not my foresight and insights proved to be accurate. Sound good? Oh, and I’m going to try to limit it to mostly major wide releases unless there is a particularly interesting looking poster I can’t resist commenting on.

So this upcoming weekend there are two major releases. They are Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrik Rules and Sucker Punch. Let’s start with the wimp shall we?

Judging by the title I’m going to assume this film is about a kid that is a wimp. Brilliant deduction I know. And I think it’s also safe to assume that the poor child has a diary where he sobbingly records the accounts of the bullying he faces at school. Heartbreaking. Now both of the kids on this poster have cartoon stick figure drawings growing out of there shadow. I think by this being present the only safe and logical assumption is that there is some point where the two kids get sucked into the pages of a comic book. Whilst there they are chased by strange men in helmets wielding wrenches and rescued by a European in a striped shirt. Much like the Aha video for “Take On Me”. What other possible reason could there be for the cartoon images?

I also see that the taller one is wearing a shirt that appears to say loded diper. I’m not sure what exactly that means. Maybe however it is implying that the poor lad in fact is wearing a loaded diaper and the shirt is his cry for help. As if being beaten by his peers at school isn’t bad enough no one will change his diaper. No sign as to who the devil this Rodrik fellow is though. Probably not important anyway. Now onto Suckerpunch.

Well there is certainly a lot going on here. Wait a second. There’s a dragon chasing a plane. Hold on a tick. There is dragon I see on there?!?! THERE IS! I don’t know who that is but I may have to seriously consider killing him… But I digress. Apparently Suckerpunch is a porn. Scratch that, I’m being told it is in fact a comic book movie and one may merely surmise that it is a porn. My mistake. One would think they intentional are using sex appeal to sell this movie to teenage boys and… Oh… Gotcha. However this film clearly has something to do with 5 attractive young women whom are mostly blonde and white. Some like dressing in sexy pseudo military garb, some in a “sexy school girl” outfit and some in well I don’t know what the hell they’re wearing but clearly it is the “sexy” version. One of them has a delightful little hat on too! There are also toting a variety of very dangerous weapons. As such I think it is safe to assume that this is not a movie about 5 female friends spending the day shopping at the mall. There goes my dream of a more updated version of Clueless…

There are a large number of people in the background rushing in their general direction. Given that the 5 women do seem attractive perhaps they have all those weapons to keep away their hordes of admirers? But why would they have the horde? Perhaps they are in fact a 5 piece pop band with a really clever getup arranged by a marketing team with the end goal of selling action figures to children? That seems the most probable. Now finally what exactly is that giant robot thing? And is that a bunny painted on it??? A very angry looking bunny too might I add. What exactly a pissed off bunny has to do with a giant metal machine is completely beyond me. One thing is certain though. The poster tells me I will be unprepared. Given how confused I am right now I think they hit that nail right on the head.

Well that’s it for now. Based on the options presented I can in good conscious only elect to see Suckerpunch. Sorry wimpy kid. Oh well at least the film isn’t called Donkeypunch. Now that would have been awkward… So look for my review of Suckerpunch sometime soon!

Monday Box Office Report: Limitless Ambition

Drugs make you cool! Geckos are great at law enforcement. We can win the alien apocalypse. An old Lincoln works as an office. Seth Rogen’s comedy can save a movie! Paul Giamatti will wrestle lots of money right out of your puny hands! These are all lies.

Here’s the results of some of the millions you shelled out this weekend, and some other stuff you won’t see ever.

1) Limitless — $19 Million

So Bradley Cooper and his pocket full of magic beans tops the box office this week. And that just makes total sense since it’s not everyday in a movie some mousy, drab, rumple-person goes from geek to chic. That’s not something that ever happens in movies nowadays. Why, not since Melanie Griffith chopped off all her Jersey style hair-frizz, grabbed a pair of Reeboks, starched her shoulder pads, and stole a dress from Sigourney Weaver’s bony-ass has this happened in a movie. Nope. Not ever at all. Bradley is charting new territory by taking off his glasses, undoing that uncomely bun, shaking out his lustrous mane and becoming the va,va, va, voom we all hoped he’d be. Mostly, right? Maybe Robert DeNiro packs him a lunch in a cool lunch pail at the end of this thing, right before he stumbles into a real office.

2) Rango — $15.3 Million

In some sort of greasy hair-battle, Bradley Cooper managed to beat out the original oil-follicle Johnny Depp. Not that Rango isn’t an awesome movie. It so clearly is. But in order to sustain dominance, the viewing public needs to actually see an unkempt man parading himself in front of a movie camera with the hopes that he’ll either 1) turn into a heartthrob later on, or 2) rely on past 1980’s hotness to carry him through while he dresses up in various Halloween costumes. A Hawaiian be-shirted animated Gecko can only work for so many weeks until the audience is clamoring for more ratty hobo-ness. And if Johnny Depp can’t deliver, than well, they’ll just look for the next best thing — B.Coops serving Dim Sum and working on Wall Street until Harrison Ford DeNiro saves the movie by trying to steal his magic beans and his miracle shoulder pads.

3) Battle: Los Angeles — $14.6 Million

In with a bang, out with a farty whimper. The reviews of “blockbuster for the ages,” Battle: Los Angeles have not been good. Is it this year’s over-hyped Skyline? Maybe. After a decent opening week — yup, that $36 million got punched in the face reducing it by about $22 million. That’s a whole lot of people who decided they’d rather clip their toenails, or clean their gutters, or sew button eyes on socks, than go see Lt. Vasquez and Harvey Dent play shaky-cam Stratego with a bunch of alien-borg cockroaches or whatever the alien beings are now. There’s probably just as much satisfaction popping in a VHS tape of M. Night Shamaliarlans Signs and just watch that one scene with Joaquin sitting in the closet while the alien struts in an alley i.e. the only cool part of that movie. Simplicity!

4) The Lincoln Lawyer — $13.4 Million

The actor responsible for such enigmatic greats as Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Fool’s Gold, and Failure to Launch, failed to financially outdo these less than well-received films, which obviously premiered amid a world of McConaughey hypnotism. Really. In the past he must have used one of his shirtless enchanted nipples as a beacon luring unsuspecting virgins to various palaces of cinema with promises of a sip from his sweat-filled armpit of love. There’s really no other explanation. The spell must be broken, since his lawyer doing lawyerly things from a Lincoln’s backseat riddled with Wendy’s bags and Marisa Tomei’s Oscar didn’t do the same amount of business this weekend. He may need to unleash the unencumbered pectorals yet again. No, we really don’t mean this.

5) Paul — $13.2 Million

While Seth Rogen is probably stewing in Judd Apatow’s pool surrounded by a mountain of chicken fingers, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are having the best week ever! Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz debuted at $3.3 million and $5.8 million, respectively. So for these guys $13.2 Million is like starring in Star Wars, or Battle: LA! Perhaps they’ve finally made it. Maybe now we Yanks will see them as more than just a couple of witty blokes who’ve mastered the shock-faced close up! It’s certainly possible. We like that Ricky Gervais an awful lot don’t we? Uh, well, okay. Maybe not everyone likes Ricky Gervais, but certainly we like Pegg and Frost better than Rowan Atkinson (Stupid Mr. Bean!) or Gordon Ramsey (Evil Mr. Arseface!). That’s something to aspire to — continue being cuddly and American-friendly, and not a cunty-pisser. Good luck, gentlemen.

Honorable Mention

Win Win — $154,000

The limited release indie didn’t make a whole lot of bank, but the reviews have been strong and Amy Ryan is in it, so basically it doesn’t matter. The King’s Speech gained only marginally better reviews and look what happened there? And in a fight we think Ryan could take on Helena Bonham Hair Nest of Algae Carter. That is if she doesn’t use her crazy person super strength, and she leaves her mismatched-shoes-of-power home for the brawl. Support your local indie flick, after all, these are the things that win awards. What? You thought comedies and science-fiction did? You silly aliens.