Hi all. Your neighborly cinephile dragon Vermithrax here. So I was thinking today and had an idea. What if I reviewed forth coming movies before they are released based solely on their movie posters? Sure it may have nothing to do with the actual movie themselves. But who cares! And then I’ll most likely see one of said movies the following weekend and report whether or not my foresight and insights proved to be accurate. Sound good? Oh, and I’m going to try to limit it to mostly major wide releases unless there is a particularly interesting looking poster I can’t resist commenting on.
So this upcoming weekend there are two major releases. They are Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrik Rules and Sucker Punch. Let’s start with the wimp shall we?
Judging by the title I’m going to assume this film is about a kid that is a wimp. Brilliant deduction I know. And I think it’s also safe to assume that the poor child has a diary where he sobbingly records the accounts of the bullying he faces at school. Heartbreaking. Now both of the kids on this poster have cartoon stick figure drawings growing out of there shadow. I think by this being present the only safe and logical assumption is that there is some point where the two kids get sucked into the pages of a comic book. Whilst there they are chased by strange men in helmets wielding wrenches and rescued by a European in a striped shirt. Much like the Aha video for “Take On Me”. What other possible reason could there be for the cartoon images?
I also see that the taller one is wearing a shirt that appears to say loded diper. I’m not sure what exactly that means. Maybe however it is implying that the poor lad in fact is wearing a loaded diaper and the shirt is his cry for help. As if being beaten by his peers at school isn’t bad enough no one will change his diaper. No sign as to who the devil this Rodrik fellow is though. Probably not important anyway. Now onto Suckerpunch.
Well there is certainly a lot going on here. Wait a second. There’s a dragon chasing a plane. Hold on a tick. There is dragon I see on there?!?! THERE IS! I don’t know who that is but I may have to seriously consider killing him… But I digress. Apparently Suckerpunch is a porn. Scratch that, I’m being told it is in fact a comic book movie and one may merely surmise that it is a porn. My mistake. One would think they intentional are using sex appeal to sell this movie to teenage boys and… Oh… Gotcha. However this film clearly has something to do with 5 attractive young women whom are mostly blonde and white. Some like dressing in sexy pseudo military garb, some in a “sexy school girl” outfit and some in well I don’t know what the hell they’re wearing but clearly it is the “sexy” version. One of them has a delightful little hat on too! There are also toting a variety of very dangerous weapons. As such I think it is safe to assume that this is not a movie about 5 female friends spending the day shopping at the mall. There goes my dream of a more updated version of Clueless…
There are a large number of people in the background rushing in their general direction. Given that the 5 women do seem attractive perhaps they have all those weapons to keep away their hordes of admirers? But why would they have the horde? Perhaps they are in fact a 5 piece pop band with a really clever getup arranged by a marketing team with the end goal of selling action figures to children? That seems the most probable. Now finally what exactly is that giant robot thing? And is that a bunny painted on it??? A very angry looking bunny too might I add. What exactly a pissed off bunny has to do with a giant metal machine is completely beyond me. One thing is certain though. The poster tells me I will be unprepared. Given how confused I am right now I think they hit that nail right on the head.
Well that’s it for now. Based on the options presented I can in good conscious only elect to see Suckerpunch. Sorry wimpy kid. Oh well at least the film isn’t called Donkeypunch. Now that would have been awkward… So look for my review of Suckerpunch sometime soon!