Lauren

Hey Kids! Stop Cutting Yourselves Over Justin Bieber!

We’re gonna talk about this little bit of insanity for a second, ok, kids? Ok. In the vein of the old mantra, “If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?” the weirdo troll monsters, 4Chan /b/ (whatever), spent the better part of yesterday calling for Operation Cut For Bieber. This appeared to be some sort of bullshit movement hoping to get young people to self-mutilate as part of an asscrappingly horrendous demonstration in protest of Bieber’s alleged habit of smoking “the good Lord’s ganja” — and it has all the markers of being one of the more heinous things we’ve witnessed with regard to social media and peer pressure. Continue reading →

Someone Knew You Were Waiting for a Reality Show Called, “All My Babies’ Mamas”

Since we haven’t Honey Boo Booed ourselves into a coma yet, something called “All My Babies’ Mamas” is reportedly on its way to the Oxygen network. This sounds like a recipe for disaster heretofore unmatched by the television gods who keep the airwaves full of noxious human beings who have developed their own niche of “Agog Viewership.” Yup, if you’ve gone about your daily lives never contemplating some crazy random thing’s potential abhorrent ripeness for television fodder — believe that someone else has. Continue reading →

The Cure for Lena Dunham’s Race Problem is Donald Glover

Oh, mercy. Remember all that hubbub about Dunham’s hit Girls not having many, if any, people of color on the show? The answer to all of those concerns, you know, about non-whites solely being considered just a part of NYC’s eclectic backdrop, is to throw Donald Glover, Childish Gambino to his friends (Troy to his lovers) onto the show as a “handsome Republican named Sandy” whom it’s believed will be dating Dunham’s character in season 2. Continue reading →

We Live in a World Where Your Teens May Plot to Drug You

Oh, thought you were so clever there parents, didn’t you? Yup. You sure did. You thought that you’d find a way to utilize your teens’ penchant for all their technological devices and still get them to do those mundane things like walk the dog, take out the trash, empty the dishwasher and such, eh? You fools! Teens these days have just upped the ante. They’ve decided to just out and out drug you to gain even more access to the things that matter most in their lives — using the internet. We’re doomed. Continue reading →

Guy Fieri Trolled the World Way Before the New York Times Outed Him

Did you know he invented something called the S’Mores Indoors Pizza? Well, people who shop at Sam’s Club knew about it, and they resoundingly labeled this monstrosity a nasty little insane Guy Fieri shit bomb. But we’re just hearing about it now! Just how bad is it? Well, basically you take molten hot possibly chocolate, possibly liquefied dung beetles, we can’t be sure, and add marshmallows that slide off the crust into an unidentifiable blob of crap and then douse it with liberal amounts of fire-throat inducing cayenne pepper! Continue reading →

Announcing the “I’m Too Tired for Real Pants” Pants

Oh, America. It’s come to this. It’s come to the point where we ask if we should even bother putting on real dress pants to go to work in? Why don’t we just wrap a terry cloth towel around our legs covered in Doritos and Yoo-Hoo, tie them with a licorice string, stuff ourselves into our fussy hybrid vehicles and motor ourselves on down to the local industrial park, throw our heads in a muff, and turn our cubicles into a Spider-Man toddler bed and just forget the whole thing! This is what unpants-pants will do for you! Or more to the point, what cotton sweatpants disguised as dress pants are for. Continue reading →

John Boehner Lives On to Antagonize Congress For Another Two Years

Crap. Well, whatever. It’s not like any of the alternatives would have been much better. Rep. Allen West (Christ!), House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (OH NOES!), and Reps. Jim Jordan, Raul Labrador, and Justin Amash (Who? Wha?), as well as former Comptroller General David Walker (Sure, shrugs.) all failed to overthrow THE GREAT ORANGE ONE. What the hell happened to Paul Ryan? Wasn’t there a plan to lock Boehner in an anteroom and push Paul Ryan out onto the floor like a well-used GOP mop? All of that failed! Continue reading →