I’m going to be your Open Thread Overlord this week. Hopefully I can fill GrandInquisitor’s illustrious legacy. If you don’t like my open threads, YOU CAN SUCK A RACOON DICK.
Botswana Meat Commission FC
OK, movie buffs film geeks, we know you read Cahiers Du Cinema every week and masturbate to Akira Kurosawa retrospectives. So let’s talk auteurs…
Who’s your favorite movie director?
So don’t give us a laundry list. Let’s hear the one director whose movies you’d want to have on a dessert desert deserted island.
Since I’m a child of the 90s and still fondly remember going to see Pulp Fiction at the movie theater there on Rt. 30 in Wayne, I’m going with Tarantino. I still consider “ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT? to be right up there with the greatest all-time movie lines.
So who’s your favorite director?
It’s Friday, so let’s talk about highly relevant subjects.
We all have a favorite liquor. There’s always that one liquor that we consider an old, reliable friend. That one friend who’s always there for you in times of trouble such as when your hound dog died, your woman left you or when you first found out that Charles In Charge didn’t get renewed for another season.
What’s your favorite type of liquor?
I’ve always wanted to be a suave, debonair Latin playboy who smokes cigars and wears those Cuban shirts with the four pockets on the front. Seriously, Cubans. FOUR FUCKING POCKETS. You are geniuses.
Anyway, I personally love rum. Rum comes from distilled sugar cane and it makes you feel like a pirate who ARGH can do what you want, plunder whatever booty is nearby and possibly end the night with a Spanish doubloon stuck between your ass cheeks. Fun times.
Quick tip: If you can find it, I highly recommend the El Dorado line of rums from Guyana. They’re made with demarara sugar and have a great, carmely flavor that is perfect with a bit of Coke and some fresh lime.
So what’s your lubricant?
Cormega photo via the excellent photoblog G M D Three. Please go check him out!
Is there any other music scene that obsesses over mass appeal quite like hip-hop does? There’s a whole ecosystem of rap terminology related to fame. Now you’re famous? You just blew up. Having trouble getting radio airplay? Man, they’re sleepin on ya.
So who are the all-time most slept-on MCs? Me personally, I still absolutely love the mid to late 90s rhymes, so my list is big on East Coast mixtape heavy hitters and battle MCs. These are the best of the best, the ones who should have been household names, but no, you just had to have your PM Dawn and Kriss Kross.
(Warning: This is not an invitation to post awful Kriss Kross or PM Dawn videos in the comment section. If you do, I will personally ridicule your questionable taste. This is the GOOD HIP-HOP THREAD, not one of the many, many threads devoted to lame guilty pleasure music! I’m serious.)
In no particular order:
1. Ras Kass
Ras Kass has been putting out albums and mixtapes for years now. The L.A. rapper definitely has a hardcore cult following, but despite a Tupac-esque snarl and wicked vocabulary, he’s never been able to really break out. It may partly have to do with the fact that a lot of his songs reflect on deep, centuries-long themes such as colonialism and racism. For some reason, rap was way more political in the 90s.
2. Cormega
Oh, what could have been. Cormega was actually an original member of The Firm, along with Nas, Foxy Brown and AZ. The Queensbridge rapper unfortunately had a falling out with Nas early on, then left the group, then had a legendary beef with him, then went to prison for a little while. What a shame. Cormega has one of the greatest rap flows of all time. His voice is super nasally and actually kind of soft in a way that conveys a certain vulnerability that all the great rappers have had at one time or another (Tupac and Li’l Wayne come to mind).
3. Kool G. Rap
They call him Giacanna because he’s about as close to a rap godfather as there will ever be. Kool G. Rap had a few minor hits in the early 90s, then saw his brand of cocaine raps blow up with Pac and Biggie. Today basically EVERY rapper from Rick Ross to Young Jeezy to Waka Flocka Flame can thank him for taking rap to new heights of drug-trafficking braggadoccio. Also, he has an absolutely DOPE New York flow that’s deep and rich and funky.
4. Big L
This is probably one of the saddest rap stories of all time. Big L was young and on top of the world, with his debut album getting love… and then in 1999 he was shot to death in his Harlem neighborhood. To this day there are hip-hop heads who still haven’t gotten over it — with good reason. Check him out freestyling with a young Jigga and see if you can really tell which one would be the star.
5. Jadakiss
Jada has had one semi-big hit (“Why”) but the man is always named when talking about rap’s most slept-on. His rhymes are so rough and gravelly it’s like the devil himself is coming out the speakers. Jada may never have the mainstream appeal of Jay-Z or Kanye, but good luck finding another rapper with this level of street cred. He’s also got some of the most famous rap freestyles of all time… fast forward this video to the :30 when Kiss takes it to another level.
6. Memphis Bleek
Here’s another Roc-A-Fella veteran who never quite blew up. Even Jay-Z has said he could never understand how Bleek wasn’t a bigger name. Here he is on “Change the Game.” Bleek comes on at the 1:00 mark and just destroys it.
7. Third Degree
Third Degree was a group of rappers from San Antonio with pretty much a strictly Texas following (I’m pretty sure they’re no longer recording together). I have no idea how I discovered them (probably on some Houston mixtape). Anyway, I love them and how could you not? They named one of their mixtapes after their love of gold teeth, rapping and the Purple Drank: “Grills, Skills and Purple Spills.” Texas rap is just criminally underrated.
8. Rah Digga
Rah Digga was (and still is) the total package. She had the dope voice, the dope flow AND the dope look. And she did it all without being a chickenhead like Lil Kim or Nicki Minaj. She was knocking on the door of superstardom in the late 90s as a member of Flipmode (Busta Rhymes’ posse) but for some reason it never quite came togther. Anyway, I love her. R.D., I’m single now. Call me!
9. Keith Murray
What a great voice. I always kind of lumped him in with EPMD, Redman and Def Squad and I guess he sorta got lost in the shuffle of dope New Jersey rap flows. It’s too bad because he has some sick, sick rhymes.
10. Papoose
Papoose was born about 15 years too late. He would have been HUGE in 1992! He’s a pure battle rapper. (Warning: Old Man Rant coming up!) Unfortunately these days the rap game is all about who can sell the most ringtones, so things like lyrical skills don’t really matter. Here he is alliterating his way through the entire rap alphabet.
Wouldn’t it be cool to have an eccentric, rich, childless uncle die and leave you something awesome in his will? Why don’t uncles ever turn out like that? I would love to be that one uncle who dies and leaves my nieces and nephews with all my awesome toys classic automobiles. Which brings us to today’s QOTD….
What classic car have you always wanted to own?
There are so, so many tough choices here. Would I love a Mustang GT Fastback like McQueen in “Bullitt”? FUCK AND YES. Would I thoroughly enjoy driving around in a Mercedes 300SL with the gullwing doors? GOOD LORDY I WOULD.
But there’s one car that I would murder an autistic child to get, and that’s a 1973 Porsche Carerra RS with the the classic Fuchs wheels. Here, I even found a picture. SHE SHALL BE MINE, SOMEDAY.
So what would you put in your fantasy garage?
Welcome to the Crasstalk Question of the Day. Each morning we ask you a different question and you the Crass Nation provide an answer.
Today’s question is for you vain, vain people.
Who’s the celebrity you most resemble?
Now, you don’t actually have to look like Corey Feldman or Li’l Kim. You just have to resemble them more than any other celebrity. In fact, you don’t even have to say “I’m a poor man’s…..” We already assume you’re not quite as dashing as George Clooney or stacked like Pam Anderson!
I think my CIMR would have to be Brian Austin Green. Yeah, he’s way better looking than I’ll ever be, but I’m fairly sure I could rap better than him.
Welcome to the Crasstalk Question of the Day. Each morning we ask you a different question and you the Crass Nation provide an answer. Particularly good answers may even be featured in future QOTDs.
Since I’ve heard a bunch of people talking about HBO’s “Mildred Pierce” miniseries, let’s find out what you like.
What’s your favorite miniseries of all time?
Miniserieses are bananas. Their just long enough to really dig deep into a subject and develop all the characters and all that shit… and they’re just short enough that they don’t clog up your Netflix queue for six months.
My personal favorite is “Roots.” I love epic American stories that take place over multiple generations. And Ben Vereen as Chicken George is just fucking amazing.
So what’s your favorite?
Welcome to the Crasstalk Question of the Day. We’re going to do a daily post where we ask you a different question each day and you the Crass Nation provide an answer. Particularly good answers may even be featured in future QOTDs.
So it’s Monday Morning and you’re probably sitting in your cubicle dreaming of a hot plate teeming with scrum-diddly-umcious breakfast foods like bacon and Canadian bacon and sausage (and Canadian sausage?).
What’s your favorite pork product?
There are so many great ones to choose from, because even though pigs are widely considered among the most intelligent of domesticated animals, they are not smart enough to not make themselves so delicious. For this one I want to immediately go with bacon. Everyone loves wrapping things/themselves in bacon and going to town on the wonderful strips of salty pig-grease. Another wonderful choice is Chinese-style pork buns (pictured at top from Momofuku).
But personally after about three strips of bacon I can take no more. That’s where my choice, prosciutto, comes in.
First of all, I can probably eat a full three pounds of prosciutto in one sitting. It’s so THIN. Plus when you eat prosciutto, you can practically envision a mustache-and-overalls-wearing Italian named Luigi cutting the pig up and serving it. It’s PURE PORKTASTIC DELICIOUSNESS, people.
Meet Fabrice Fabrice (the name’s so nice, you can say it… AGAIN). Fabrice Fabrice is the creation of Nick Kroll, a comedian who’s currently on the show “The League.” (Ask your boyfriend about it. He probably knows it well….)
So Kroll, who looks like a typical, married Accord-driving suburban dork from the accounting department, has created one of the most outrageous alter-egos I’ve ever seen. Here he is on John Oliver’s recent Comedy Central special:
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Fabrice Fabrice – Renee Zellweger | ||||
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Fabrice Fabrice isn’t actually a performer. He’s the craft services coordinator. Here he is explaining his work on the set of “That’s So Ravyn.” (I also love the way Fabrice Fabrice holds the microphone.)
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Fabrice Fabrice – Craft Services | ||||
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Fabrice has strong opinions about Joe Jackson and likes him some John Oliver.
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Fabrice Fabrice – Joe Jackson | ||||
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So last time we updated you on Crassballin’, the official Crasstalk March Madness Bracket Contest, a certain Dancing Queen was cruising to glory on the backs of her own Arizona Wildcats and their utter destruction of Duke. Continue reading