AssembledWrong

54 posts
AssembledWrong is an egotistical part-time playwright/full time person who can sometimes string a few words together to form what could potentially be referred to as, in certain circles, a joke. He can be contacted at [email protected]

The New York Times Would Like You To Know That Things Get Stolen, Bozo

Each day, we open up our digital copy of the New York Times and mock it (and ourselves) for its insanity. Today we learn that parents everywhere are idiots, not just those in Park Slope. But especially those in Park Slope.

Oh, please pity me! I left my stroller unlocked outside my apartment because I was too lazy to collapse it and carry it up the stairs and now it’s been stolen! Poor me! Never mind that I have such a laissez-faire attitude towards my possessions that I leave a $400-to-$1000 item outside with no protection. No, that’s not going to be stolen at all. Not in Brooklyn! I mean, I live on a busy street! This kind of thing just doesn’t happen to people like me!
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Photo Phriday: Gee Willickers!

I’m out of town and a little bird told me that an emergency Photo Phriday was needed, so here I am! As you know, PP with AW is like one big game of Scattergories. Last time I asked you show me something that starts with the letter C. Well, today, I ask you show me something that starts with the letter G! Here’s a G Train Service Train sign to getcha started. Gee, this is gonna be fun! Continue reading →

The New York Times Would Like You To Know That Bernie Madoff is a Mexican Party Favor

Each day, we open up our digital copy of The New York Times and absurdly mock it (and ourselves) for its insanity. Today we learn that Bernie Madoff is a piñata.

Bernard “Oopsie!” Madoff has 148 years left in his white collar prison for his white collar crime, but you know what? He’s been jilted! Jilted! By who? By the bloodthirsty mobs who think what he did was bad. He didn’t murder anyone for chrissakes, he just had a bad week accounting wise.  Haven’t we all been in the same situation? No? No one here ever lost a small nation’s GDP (the Dominican Republic to be precise) before? Whoa. You must be saints. Someone call the Vatican. Continue reading →

The New York Times Would Like You To Know That There is a Chess Prodigy in Bed-Stuy

Each day, we open our digital copy of The New York Times to absurdly mock it (and ourselves) for its insanity. Today we learn that kids everywhere are all the same.

Kids are taught that they’re all different, that they’re all special little snowflakes who will one day change the world. Lies! Children are all the same. Case and point: James Black Jr. is a mere “three or four” games away from becoming a national master in the eyes of The United States Chess Federation (Federation? Sounds communist!), but, you know what? All he wants to do is play video games and stay up late! His brother went to jail for killing some guy, his sister got kicked out of the house and still he asks why he can’t have more freedom. Why? Because kids are all the same. Continue reading →

The New York Times Would Like You to Know That Plastic is for Poor People

The bourgeois intellectual elite at the Mauve Lady (Grey with very strong shades of homosexual Pink) would like you to know that it’s about damn time we return to a time and place when, as writer Susan Mulcahy* declares, ‘men were men and a sofa was a sofa.’ Clearly, this only applies to rich people tufted couches with the nails in them and stuff, but there is one woman, one single solitary woman who has made it her mission to protect the dry cleanable garments of the world. Continue reading →

Detroit Still Black, City Expects Power Later Today

The City of Detroit suffered massive power outages yesterday as three of the five lines at the ailing Mistersky Power Plant that receive power from DTE Energy failed causing traffic issues downtown. Mayoral spokesman Karen Dumas issued a statement saying that the city believed the outages were due to additional strain on the system in the wake of the recent heat wave. Continue reading →

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of June 6

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOJXE1DWLAc

This is the year 2111! Much has happened since the Zecronian triumphs of 2100-2105. The Crasstalk Nations have inflicted upon the Aquamaranian Zecronians great defeats, in open battle, alien-to-manchild. Our pre-destructive offensive has seriously reduced their strength in the Kuiper Belt and their capacity to wage war on the ground. Our Home Fronts have given us an overwhelming superiority in weapons and munitions of war (by which we mean the ever glorious cheese biscuit bomb) and placed at our disposal great reserves of trained fighting men. The tide has turned! The free men of the world are marching together to Victory! Don’t blame me! I voted for Kodos! That is why we must fight! That is why we must win! Continue reading →

The Brilliance That is WireTap

Jonathan Goldstein is a miserable nebbish who will forever be stuck in the frozen wasteland of Canadian radio, broadcasting to no one. His friends mock him, his parents coddle him and his ex-girlfriends hate him. Mainly because he has a tendency to call after midnight – drunk – asking if he can come over to sleep in the same bed as her and her husband so that he can get a good nights sleep. He is pretentious. He is self-centered. He is egotistical. Jonathan Goldstein, one could say, is a terribly boring troglodyte who just so happens to be the most brilliant figure in entertainment radio. Continue reading →