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Stardate 64982.7
Little birds, we’re worried. We don’t know if you can read this. Like, there’s wifi here, but who knows if an email can be sent from space. Is it even the same internet? We’re thrilled the Zecronians have wifi because they sure as fuck don’t have 3G (although they’ve been mumbling about the jump to 80G or something. We don’t even know what this means). Our phones are mad useless, but, we guess that’s to be expected what with the lack of decent cell towers. Whoa, there man. Back off. What do you think you’re gonna do with that. Hey! Watch it! That thing’s sharp! Anyways, yeah, we’ve been captured. Man! Can I get a minute!? OW! Get away from me! Yikes!
So, like we were saying, we’ve been captured by the Zecronians because they think we’re a general or something. No! We’re just. Get the fuck away from me man! We’re just harmless commentators. Terrible talking heads. No! Don’t bring out the talking heads again, man! We can’t handle that! No! No! Anything but that! Anything but that! We’ll never talk! Hahahaha! Never!
But what’s this you say, birds? The Zecronians weren’t supposed to get here until 2100? And it’s 2011? Well, it appears that–How many times do we have to say it!? Give us a minute. Help us Janet, you’re our only hope! Hey dude, can we go to the bathroom? Yes, you can escort us. That’s fine. Where are we going to run off to though? We’re not as evolved as you to be able to survive in space without oxygen or, you know, air pressure to stop our brains from exploding. No, no. Don’t get any ideas man. That’s not torture. That’s murder.
Okay, so yeah, the Zecronians arrived at Earth and found we’d already destroyed it, so they went back home. Victory, we guess, for us. However, they were so blazing upset that they developed a time machine (which is a patently ridiculous concept, but somehow they did it) and came back before we could destroy it! And they saw our war-plan. Dammit! We knew we shouldn’t have let cameras in the war room! Dammit! Yes, sir. We won’t take too long, sir.
LIFE!
(Or, We don’t have much time. We’ve gotta get out of here!)
Yes! The little green alien that looked suspiciously like The Great Gazoo was right! The sixth tile down from the toilet was loose! And there’s a secret passage! Man, these guys have got to use better mortar if they want this stuff to stick to the ground. These tiles are being pulled up faster than Bebe Zeva’s “career.” Yes! We’ve done it! We’re in the underbelly of the ship, but, oh hey, how did they get Artemisia Gentileschi in here? Oh, yes. The time machine. Artemisia, darling, I just barely speak Italian. And by just barely, I mean I can say “I’m sorry” and “Where’s the W.C.?” It doesn’t matter, we already know your life story from art history.
You’re some super famous Italian painter lady from the Baroque when lady painters weren’t readily accepted and you were raped by your tutor, who you then started dating because you were damaged goods in the eyes of 17th century Italy (girl, seriously, come with us. It’s better now.), but then daddy Orazio pressed rape charges when rapist Tassi didn’t marry you after all. During the trial, you were tortured (Why were you the one who was tortured? That makes zero sense to us) with thumbscrews, which just sounds like the most barbaric thing ever. Really, birds, are you familiar with thumbscrews? Yowch! That hurts! They’ve found us! We’ve gotta keep running! But yes, thumbscrews, are these little instruments you put your thumbs in and then your torturer makes them tighter and tighter and tighter until your bones break.
This is the crap that Artemisia, one of the most violent of all Baroque painters (violent as in her painting, not as in her personality) had to deal with. What’s super interesting about the case, though, is that, according to that source of international wisdom from which all great knowledge is derived, Wikipedia, the Gentileschi’s wouldn’t have had a case if Artemisia hadn’t been a virgin. Isn’t this the same thing going on with the Sofitel maid/DSK thing right now? Legit, yo. Thankfully for Artemisia, her rapist was convicted, but served zero time, so I guess it wasn’t so thankful for Artemisia and what was cuckoo about the whole thing was that it was discovered that Tassi had planned to murder his wife (whom he had also raped) and had slept with his sister-in-law (which was considered both adultery and incest) and he still didn’t serve any time!
She was still able to land a husband, however, despite her status as a rape victim, and isn’t that what every woman wants? Although, we guess the only person who can answer what women want is Mel Gibson, and, we guess, women. Seriously though! Thumbscrews! Yowch!
A fork! They’re so far behind they’ll probably miss us. Good thing we’re stars of track and field. Pick a door, any door. This door! Hey! Who are you! John Stith Pemberton, born 1831? Who? Oh, you’re the guy who made Coca-Cola. Fab product, man. Fab product. You’re so much better than Pepsi, that’s for sure. Dudebro, listen though, man, it’s not cool that you fought for the Confederacy in the War of Northern Aggression Civil War. You really should have known better to go up against a guy in a nice hat and a drunkard. Really. You should have known better, but, hey! At least you got a morphine addiction out of it, right? Whoa, really? The original Coke was alcoholic and made from coca wine? Whoa, man. Whoa. Far out. Too bad temperance laws made you make it non-alcoholic, but hey! At least you still had cocaine! That’s true, right? Way cool, man. We’re glad you changed the name, though. We can’t imagine wanting to buy the world a Pemberton French Wine Coca. Is there a secret entrance out of this room? We feel they may be onto us and we need to get outta here? Third brick? Groovy!
Well, well, well. Look who we have here. If it isn’t “Richest Man Ever” John D. Rockefeller. Sure you gave most of your money to charity, but it’s probably just because you felt so guilty about your business practices that put, like, a bazillion gas stations out of business. And who knew you could make so much money from a gas station!? Should we be getting into oil? Yes, yes we should, even if it is a volatile market right now. Is it a volatile market? We’re not really paying attention because–SHIT–another flippin’ Zecronian. Run, Joseph, run! John, you’re coming with us! Pretty groovy that you were able to retire at 52 and spend 40 years just chillaxin’, brosef. We’re not going to hate on you for that. Dov may not agree with your “horizontal integration,” but, hey, it made you rich! And isn’t that your entire legacy!? That you’re a rich oil guy who gave a lot of money to education and medicine and stuff and had really rich kids who also became super powerful (one of them even became a vice-president!*) and some guy pretending to be your descendant killed a guy and is now pleading guilty! How silly of him! And how silly of the people to believe a Rockefeller would be named Clark! Clark!? How bourgeois. How new money. An exit sign!? Yee-Haw!
DEATH!
(or, We’re gonna make it after all)
Soap! Soap! Buy your soap! Some of it’s wrapped with money, by golly, yes it is! I’d like a bar of soap, sir! Nothin’? Try again, sonny? Sure mister! Nothin’! Damn it all to hell. You’re a con man Soapy Smith! A con man! Why yes I am, sonny! Would you like to know my story? You’ll have to transmit it telepathically, Soapy. If you haven’t noticed, I’m on the run from the Zecronians. How’d you get here in the first place? You were captured too!? Crazy world, man! Crazy world. You know we ran into a Rockefeller a minute ago, you should definitely pull that Soap Scam on him. Hey, at least after a while Ol’ Soapy admitted to the press that he was a con man. He ven thought that he was more honorable than the average politician, and, hell, he was probably right! He probably would have loved Sarah’s con game. He finally tried to take over Alaska after being super awesome at taking over Colorado, and he did a good job! He even got an official military sanction from the Department of Defense! And then he got shot. Womp Womp. ZAP! Goddamn! They’ve found us again! RUN!
It’s every man for himself! What’s that!? We haven’t made fun of The French™ yet!? By golly, we may be on the run from our oppressors, but it is not a Life, Death and Violence party without some cliched joke about The French™! Jean Moulin (So fun to say! Zhohn Moo-lawn) was that rare Frenchman who didn’t give up! Who didn’t surrender! Even after being tortured by Barbie™ he didn’t give up. He never betrayed the resistance! It’s a shame she tortured him and, allegedly, killed him by beating him to a pulp! Tough breaks Jean Moulin! He also tried to commit suicide once by slashing his throat with a glass when he was in prison the first time, but, well, he survived, and he got a little conscious about the scar (who wouldn’t?!) so he hid it with a scarf. His great success was uniting the French Resistance under Charles de Gaulle who would eventually lead France and get an airport named after him. Really though, this is just another in a long line of crimes committed by Barbie™. Ken™, are you still sure you want to get back together? We know you guys reunited in February (and on Valentine’s Day! Yuck!), and she may have been good to you these last five months, but this woman has an extensive history of violence. Watch yourself, dudebro. We care.
Dead end. Dammit, birds, we’ve failed. We can hear the footsteps and there’s no bricks or tiles, but we’re going to follow the example of Jean Moulin. We won’t tell them about any of our plans. We promise. But maybe we should? Like, they have a time machine. They’ll end up getting it one way or another! No! No! We can’t! We won’t! Fine Mr. Zecronian. Take us back to our cell. Do whatever you want to us. You’ll never get us to talk, though. The resistance is strong!
We will prevail! We’ll get out of here eventually! We believe! Janet! Save us! Save us, Janet!
VIOLENCE!
(or, Damn! We really did think it would be this easy for a moment!)
At least we have access to our precious Wikipedia, Source of All Human Knowledge™, in this dank, futuristic looking cell. Let’s see what violent things happened in order to resist thinking about the violent things that are going to happen to us:
1099: Starving white guys conquer not-starving brown guys in some city called Jerusalem. We doubt it lasts 300 years.- 1283: Guys from Aragon fight ships with ice cream.
- 1760: Damn! The French™ lose again! Who’s shocked? We’re shocked. Obviously.
- 1876: Racist white guys kill black guys for being black. Not for being Republican.
- 1988: Train derails, kills a bunch of people, injures more.
OTHER NEAT STUFF THAT HAPPENED!
(or, Can we do it? We can do it! We’re not gonna make it are we?)
- 1663: Old, rich, white guy founds Rhode Island which is neither a road nor an island.
- 1775: Old, rich, white guys sign The Olive Branch Petition to avoid war with Britain. Things didn’t really work out that way, though.
- 1874: Young, white guys on horses explore Canada on their way to Fort Whoop-Up which is a real fort name.
- 1889: White guys in their 30s publish some financial paper. We don’t think it’ll last very long, though.
- 1896: Old white guy who fails again and again and again to get the presidency makes some speech about how gold and silver are both rill good.
- 1947: Zecron crashes a space ship. You know it was Zecron. Young white guy who goes into the future after being frozen for a thousand years and then goes back to the past becomes his own grandfather shortly after.
- 1994: Asian guy who likes Johnnie Walker takes control of isolated Asian country. Old white guys get nervous.
Janet! You’ve come to save us! Hooray! Come on! Hurry! Hurry! We don’t have much time. Did you activate the self-destruct sequence? 1A, 2B, 3C? Yes! We’ve got thirty seconds to get out of here! Hurry! Hurry! We’ve got our spacesuit and you’ve got yours. We’re gonna make it! Look! There’s the door! Janet, we’ve never been in space before this excruciatingly awful experience. Like, we’ve been in simulated space at Space Camp and stuff, but, not, like, real space, you know? Can you give us a tour? We’d love a tour. You will? You’re the goshdarn best, Janet! We’ll see you later birds, we’ve got a date with the LiGeMen on Mars! DEATH TO ZECRON!
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDre36ZW14I
*Nelson was such a disappointment for not ever winning the Presidency.
All photos courtesy Wikipedia (JGL courtesy NBC)
