Have you heard? All the young hip children (the hipsters, as we believe they’re called) are sporting beards these days! Is that a good thing? Alex Williams, the man who once told us that the verb ‘curate‘ is now meant for food stands and burlesque clubs, has the answer, but first, let’s go over how ubiquitous the beard has become:
It was the dawn of an era, when dewy actors like Ryan Gosling and Jake Gyllenhaal started showing up on red carpets sporting cheek-fringe that seemed to boast, “My cover-boy looks can shine even through this tangle”; when it became obligatory to show up at Brooklyn warehouse parties with the shaggy jowls of an 1890s beaver trapper; when the Unabomber chin mane became unexpectedly chic on fashion runways.
Basically, we all want to look like Canadians, terrorists, or Canadian terrorists, although, given the polite demeanor of that last one, we’re not certain if there is such a thing. Don’t worry though! That wont stop the people you work with, the people you work for, the people you drink with, or the people you have sex with from thinking that you’re some Yukon Mountain Man with explosives strapped to himself underneath his flannel and his long johns. Because you know what a beard says about you? It says that you’re not a team player. It says that you’re a freaky deaky free spirit who prances around to the soundtrack from Hair. It says you’re weird!
But it also says you’re young! You’ll get carded when you have a beard! Beards take 10 years off you. Are you a 22 year old with a beard? Congratulations! You look like you’re 12! Should you really be wandering around this museum alone? Oh, that guy that you’ve been spotted in the same galleries with is your boyfriend? No wonder you were making out in Modern Art! That would have been weird if you were 12, but, hey, we’re certain you understand. That beard makes you look really young, really hip, really cool, man. We bet you read Dostoyevsky on the J Train since the G still isn’t cool, but does the cool factor outweigh the unemployment factor?
Given the resistance, I don’t think I would have kept my beard if Joanna, 13 years younger than me, hadn’t all but forbidden me to shave. “Growing up in Michigan, your idea of a man is a woodsy, outdoorsy guy with a beard, who can start a fire with two sticks,” she explains now. “A beard just reminds me of that, what a manly man should look like, compared to these skinny hipster guys in New York, all lanky and bony.”
A beard says you’re a man! You may have lost that promotion to the clean shaven guy, but at least you look like a real Michigan Man! Those wolverines won’t snare you as you’re hiking in the forests around Traverse City, nosiree bob! But, wait! What’s this? Are beards becoming too mainstream? Like, everyone from Brad Pitt to that guy at Metropolitan to Tom Cruise has one these days! And there’s a show on that weird IFC channel about beards! Are beards over? Yes. Yes, they are.
Better buy a wet shave kit. What? You’re going to use a Gilette? You just don’t get it, do you?
Thursday Styles, we have officially regained faith in you.
Photo: MostPhotos
