Daily Archives: March 14, 2011

Welcome back, Race spectators!

The teams started out at the pit stop at the mouth of Tokyo Bay in Japan, which is sort of disturbing timing considering the parade of horrible events that is still unfolding in that country. I would like to say a few words about it before diving into the recap, but I have no words. It is simply that awful.

The Nerds were the first team to arrive at the pit stop at 8:44am at departed at 8:44pm. Their destination is Jade Dragon Mountain in Li Jiang, China.  But, because there were so few available flights (really? Not a lot of flights from Japan to China? That seemed a little sketchy), all of the teams had to take the same designated flight to Kungming China and then book their own local transportation to Li Jiang.

Zev’s reaction? “There’s a lot of people in China, I’m not much of a people person.” Thank you for that insight, Zev.

Someone who is considerably more excited about going to China than Zev is Old Yeller because he and Christina speak Chinese.  On the opposite end of the happiness spectrum are The Sisters Who Had To Pee In China because it is the scene of their ill-timed nature break.  Also, China is where The Sisters and Deaf Guy And His Umbilical Cord had a kerfuffle during which one of the sisters called Umbilical Cord a bitch. Which she is.  Joining The Sisters in China Misery: Part Deux are The Cheerleaders who did not enjoy their brief stay the last time around because nobody spoke English or appreciated their inner beauty.

The teams had to drive themselves to the airport. Does anybody else find the Deaf Guy driving disturbing? I didn’t know that was allowed, but then again I’ve never really thought about it very deeply. I’m too lazy to Google “Deaf Driving,” but if someone wants to elaborate on the ins and outs of driving while hearing impaired, it would be greatly appreciated.

The drive to the airport was uneventful for all but one team—the “Couple.” They got very, very, very lost. Kynt was driving and Vyxsin was doing just an awful job of navigating and it was unclear how long they had been on the road but they left at night and it was daytime when she realized that the compass pointed in the wrong direction.  We soon learned that all of the other teams had three hours before their 9:50am flight.

Could the “Couple” actually miss the flight? Uh huh. It was 9am when they finally turned around and were headed in the right direction, but they were nowhere near the airport. The flight boarded at 9:20am and took off without them! The flight really took off without them! That rarely ever happens, and it may be the first time in TAR history that a team has missed a pre-arranged mandatory flight.  Whatever the case, it was not looking good for the “Couple.” The next flight to China left about five hours later, a lifetime in TAR years. But, they soldiered on.

Once in China, the teams scrambled to figure out how to get to Li Jiang first. There seemed to be a choice between trains and planes, but no automobiles.  All of the teams opted for a train, with Old Yeller being the only team to make it onto an earlier train.  It didn’t matter though because the first shuttle to Jade Dragon Mountain left at 8am which allowed the other teams to catch up.

In the meantime, Old Yeller stopped for a snack of what I think he called dragon balls. He thought they were delicious. He was very focused on food and annoyed his daughter throughout the entire leg of the race about snacks. “Can I have my yogurt now? Oh those little grilled fish look delicious! Let me just grab a few fried scorpions to tide me over.” It’s a race for a million dollars and he’s trying to turn China into a giant tapas bar.

The rest of the teams caught up with Old Yeller as they hopped onto shuttle buses headed up the mountain. They all noted that the “Couple” weren’t there. It has been days since anyone saw them.  The “Couple” actually arrived at 2:20am, but the airport was closed and the trains weren’t running that late so they found a hotel and took a nap. In the morning, they opted for a flight to Li Jiang, and before boarding the flight, Vyxsin realized that she left her passport at the security checkpoint. This team is just an absolute mess! Get it together, “Couple,” or you’re gonna be Philiminated!

While the “Couple” was bumbling through the airport, the other teams encountered a task called “Yak Yak Yak!” Since nothing called “Yak Yak Yak!” can ever be bad, the teams were in a generally pleasant mood as they saddled up their yaks and rode them across a river. The Cowboys made saddling up a yak look easy with their mad cowboy skills while the Nerds were having a bit of trouble getting on their Yak. The Globetrotters basically just stood there with their legs spread apart and when the yak walked underneath them, they sat down.

After the yak rides, the teams had to take the Jade Dragon Gondola three miles above sea level to get their next clue. The altitude was making teams woozy, and they all seemed to be having a good deal of trouble running.

Roadblock! One team member had to search tens of thousands of hanging charms for the twelve animals of the Chinese zodiac and place the charms in the correct order on a wind chime. Do you know what wind chimes are for? Stupid people who don’t know that it is windy.

The Deaf Kid collected his charms first, but he got the assembly wrong. The Daughter got hers right so Father/Daughter were the first team out of the Roadblock. They then had to find a marked bus and travel to the old town of Li Jiang. Old Yeller finished next, then the Deaf Kid, the Cowboys, the Globetrotters, the Cheerleaders and the Sisters.  Zev was the only one left. He was looking for a rabbit charm and was incredibly frustrated.

In the meantime, the “Couple” headed up on the gondola. And we know it’s not just fancy editing because as the other teams were headed down on the Gondola, they passed the “Couple” headed up. Folks, we have a race on our hands! The “Couple” showed up while Zev was still trying to complete the task. He had found the last charm, but didn’t understand that he had to hang the charms in the order that they appear on the zodiac chart.

At the bottom of the mountain, Old Yeller hopped on a bus without checking to see if it was a marked bus. It wasn’t. It was just a regular old shuttle bus that didn’t have any doors. Old Yeller was pissed because they were going in the wrong direction which, naturally, was Christina’s fault.  The driver wouldn’t turn around, so Christina jumped out of a moving vehicle, landing on her back. I am not sure if she did this to win the race, or to end it once and for all. It was very, very strange. The bus finally stopped and Old Yeller got out. The two of them ran down an incline to the other buses which were already on the road, flailing their arms and yelling for the buses to stop. All of the teams ignored them (I think I heard the Cheerleaders tell their driver to speed up and head for the old man chomping on a fruit roll-up), but the Globetrotters stopped the bus because they are just wonderful people. I sure hope nice guys don’t finish last.

Once in the town, there was a boring thing about a zodiac sign and a wish. Then the teams had a choice between Hammer or Horn. In Hammer, teams had to pulverize hot molten candy. In Horn, teams had to carry a long ceremonial horn in a precession to a palace. All teams chose Hammer except the Cheerleaders and the Globetrotters.

Oh did we forget the Nerds and the “Couple”? While the rest of the teams were pounding candy with a hammer, Zev was struggling to figure out the arrangement of symbols and Vyxsin couldn’t find her last few charms. Zev finally realized that he had two goats and needed a horse. Ain’t that always the way it goes? Too many goats, not enough horses. He found the right one and finally finished the task while Vyxsin struggled to keep it together.

The hammering didn’t look that complicated as the teams blazed through the task. Back at the horns, the Cheerleaders realized that they wouldn’t be able to lift the horns and turned around to go to the other task. By the time they got back to the other task, the teams had finished and it was a race to the Eternal Tower in the center of the city.

Deaf Guy and his Umbilical Cord were the first team to arrive and won a romantic vacation to Aruba. Eew. Enjoy your couples massage. But surprise! They’re still racing!

All of the other teams checked in at the pit stop with what looked like not much time between them except for the “Couple.” While they eventually finished the charms task (are they still working on that?), the idiots left their fanny pack on the gondola. As is the rules with fanny packs, it contained all of their worldly possessions, including fairy dust, passports, and money. Now, I haven’t worn a fanny pack since…ever. But it is my understanding that these things clip around your waist for the sole purpose of not losing your stuff. I can understand why Old Yeller took off his fanny pack in the last episode since he was going to be submerged in water. But the “Couple”? No, that’s just stupid. And I don’t want to hear that it clashed with their “pink and black attack” outfits, because that pack was black. So if they had just renamed themselves the “pink and black fanny pack attack,” they wouldn’t be in this pickle.

Where were we? Oh right. All of the teams checked in except for the “Couple” who are totally screwed. Scenes from next week included a dreaded two headed double UTurn, and that’s about it. Did TAR stretch this out into a non-elimination “you’re still racing” to give the “Couple” time to catch up just like they did with the Cowboys? And will it even matter considering their latest bout of idiocy? And do the Globetrotters even have a chance of winning with their nicey-nice strategy?