Now that the end of the world has come and gone it is time to get back to our occasional forays into the wingnut verse. Today we are going to explore the FEMA camp conspiracy theory. That way The Man™ won’t get the drop on you, and you and the family will not be like Harry Dean Stanton in Red Dawn. Continue reading
wingnuts
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Most Americans are probably familiar with a number of popular conspiracy theories about how the government and global elites are somehow plotting against us. It is a multi-million dollar industry in this country to scare the beejesus out of everyone by invoking the government boogeyman.
The theories are as diverse as America itself. It can be Freemasons (classic), The United Nations (trendy), or lizard people (incoherent). However, the general theme is always the same. A group of elites are reforming the global power structure to make a naked grab for power and enslave and/or kill us all. This is called the New World Order, and once it is in place you will be sent to a FEMA camp with your family because you believe in Jesus and work for a living. Michelle Bachman will not protect you.
However, the details are often vague about how these elites operate and many questions are left unanswered. Who are these elites? Why do they have this insatiable blood-lust? Why do they hate decent, God-fearing people? Where do they operate from?
Fortunately, the Internet’s conspiracy detectives have found the answer to the last question. The homicidal global super-elite, who have the resources to base themselves anywhere in the world, have chosen the Denver International Airport as their home base for world domination. Why? Well, why not? I don’t know, I guess NORAD is nearby. Look, that’s not important right now! We must keep up the panic.
Anyway here is the gist of the theory. The Denver airport is actually the top level of a giant and secret military installation that will be used to imprison those who resist the NWO and to stage military operations in the US. The proof is that the there are tunnels under the airport that will be used for these purposes (the tunnels are actually used to move baggage). Additionally, there are cryptic words like Dzit Dit Gaii embedded in the floor of the airport that are clearly code for the elites (they are Navajo words for places in Colorado). Finally, there are these really freaky murals in the airport that are clearly an allegorical representation about what will happen when the NWO comes (actually it is just crappy, hippy art).
Anyway, I will let you see the evidence (?) for yourself. Thank God that the global elites don’t know about You Tube or we would all be doomed.
This guy has more of a Christian take on it, but he is way more entertaining than the other nuts. He actually refers to himself as The Third Eagle of The Apocalypse. Now that’s a user name!
Well it’s official. America’s official wingnut siren Glenn Beck will be ending his daily show on Fox News by the end of this year. It’s sad news to his loyal, but incoherent fan base. As you can imagine, they are devastated.
America’s lame stream media is of course rejoicing, as are George Soros, Nancy Pelosi, and the kids over at Media Matters. However some of us are going to kind of miss old Glenn and his nightly panic-spreading and gold shilling. Here are a few great Beck highlights for those of us who are going to miss having Glenn Beck to kick around.
Here’s Glenn laying out the truth about the Egyptian Revolution. Some of his finest work exposing the elites who plot against the decent folk who watched the show.
Here’s some of the two part series about the Holocaust surviving Nazi George Soros who is ruining the world by giving money to people who are trying to stem corruption in the developing world.
And let’s not forget this classic.
However the people who will probably miss their daily dose of Beck most are America’s comedy establishment.
And the comedian who has undoubtedly benefited the most from Beck’s two year parade of batshit crazy has been Jon Stewart. Beck not only provided night after night of easy jokes for Daily Show writers, but he was also the inspiration for the hugely successful Rally to Restore Sanity. Thursday night Stewart gave a magnificent send off to Beck that gave a nod to the inspiration that Glenn created for The Daily Show. Here is an excerpt.
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Glenn Beck Announces His Departure | ||||
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Damn Glenn, I am going to miss a regular dose of your madness. To be honest, I think a lot of liberals will. Who will be the target of our outrage? Who’s name will we invoke as the ultimate broadcasting insult? The election season is going to be a lot less fun without his theories and his chalkboard. We can only hope Fox is in talks with Michelle Bachman.
Oh well, I guess we still have The Blaze.
Hello and welcome to Crasstalk. Hope all of you are having a great night and are ready for the end of the week. Since most of you are socialist hippie clowns, here’s some damn hippy music. Now get off my lawn and get a hair cut!
I would hate to leave out our few Crasstalk conservatives, so this is for you guys.
Have a great night.
Nothing gets a wingnut angrier than the idea that someone, somewhere might threaten the Murican Constitution. Apparently the country (and in fact the whole world) is full of people who have nothing better to do than sit around scheming about how they are going to take away the rights of Real Americans who live in Real America.
A particularly menacing bogeyman in the wingnut mind is The United Nations. Formed after WWII to prevent the kinds of free for all human slaughter we had during the war, the UN has always been a source of deep right wing suspicion. It’s also always been a great source for fund raising campaigns for wingnut groups who promise to save you from the Blue Helmet Menace.
The latest focus of bat shit insanity is the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child. The Convention is so controversial that it has been ratified by every UN member except the US and Somalia. It is also supported by total assholes like Oxfam, UNICEF, and the Rhode Island State Legislature. Wingnuts claim that the Convention will rob parents of their rights and allow their kids to become Satanist abortion-addicts who can take them to court when they can’t borrow the car. In reality the Convention prohibits the use of children as soldiers, prostitutes, and porn stars. The only real problem for the US is that it prohibits the execution of minors, and I guess it is really important for us to be able to snuff out 14 year olds for some reason.
Fortunately for America parentalrights.org has stepped forward to keep the UN from dispatching troops to steal our kids and sending them to the EU for reeducation. These patriots have a You Tube account, and they are going to protect you from an organization that nobody listens to and that lacks any enforcement powers. They are also trying to introduce a constitutional amendment preventing enforcement of the treaty, but only Jim DeMint (lulz) seems interested. So what if the UN is trying to create a legal frame work that would punish those who force kids into the battlefield or the brothel, foreigners make us uncomfortable. I can’t imagine why every one else in the world thinks we are such a bunch of jerks. Here’s a little paranoia to get your red, white, and blue blood boiling.
Nothing says Rock and Roll like conservative America. Just ask The National Review. While you may not think of the county Republican meeting as a swaggering display of animal sexuality, it is that pro-freedom passion that makes conservatives rock. Just ask the Ted Nugent.
So here is a collection of the best Rawk the Tea Party has to offer. Feel free to bookmark these videos so you will have something to watch when you hang out at you aunt’s house in Arizona next Christmas.
This chick has sort of a Laura Branigan thing going on. Unfortunately, no one told her that the use of the word accountability in a song sucks most of the rock right out. However, she does get points for dramatic lighting.
Here is a classic from the health care debate. Try to resist dancing in front of your computer.
This guy is really trying to rock in a sort of Mr. Mister sort of way. However, he really needs to rethink the Naziesque gray shirt combo, especially while bitching about the British. Don’t live the stereotype, dude!
Here is a low-fi treatment. This guy wants freedom like Lou Reed wanted junk. This is what happens when you bundle Garage Band and IMovie on new Macs.
OK, I can’t leave this without at least one country song. This is epic and contains stars and stripes burqas. Warning: The viewing of this video will make you afraid to ever visit The National Mall.
America is doomed. The signs are everywhere. The economy is collapsing, America is declining in international influence, and the president is, um, ethnic. These are desperate times for Decent Americans© and desperate times call for desperate measures. Fortunately for you, I have scoured the internet to find out the tips that will help you survive the Hobbesian hellscape that will soon be America. Please print this article and post in it your bunker, rumpus room, or wherever it is you plan on riding out socialist/nazi/progressive Armageddon.
We don’t know exactly how America will go down, but let’s look at some of the more likely
scenarios.
- Chinese Take Over. Obama will sell out America to the Reds and we will all be forced to read The Little Red Book. Note: this will be more than most of us have read in a decade. We will be all forced into slave labor and uncomfortable uniforms. I’m not sure what is supposed to happen after this, but it involves foreigners, so it can’t be good.
- New World Order. Obama will sell out America to rich, shadowy elites. The economy will be gutted and true patriots will be forced into concentration camps. We all get forced vaccinations and tracking chips. However, it looks like they will keep reality TV and beer flowing to hypnotize the masses, so it might not be that bad. Bonus, the government might finally get rid of your irritating cousins in Missouri.
- Economic Peak Oil Anarchistic Collapse Thingy. Obama will sell out America to foreign economic interests. This is the fun one. Part Mad Max, part Wall Street Journal; this is the one that separates the men from the boys. Expect highwaymen, biker gangs, and (god willing) cannibals. This is a very ammo intensive scenario, and you will be able to barter your daughter’s virtue for 10 gallons of gas.
- The Tribulation. Jesus is back and he’s totally pissed at Obama and all you commies who voted for him. Rivers of blood with patches of locusts are likely, unless you are raptured up at the beginning (you won’t be, whore). Guns aren’t particularly useful, but you might want to brush up on you Leviticus, because it’s probably going to be more of an Old Testament kind of deal.
What does one bring to the End Times? While it depends a little on the specific dystopian conditions you are facing, but there are always some key supplies useful for any fighter in the Army of the Righteous.
- Guns, guns, and more guns. Buy ammo now because Hillary Clinton is conspiring to take you guns away. You can never have enough guns, and keep them unlocked and loaded so you can get to them right away when the thugs from the teacher’s union come to take you to patriot detention.
- At least two years worth of overpriced, crappy dehydrated food. Put this in your basement in an area where it will inevitably get moldy and attract ants. This will piss of your spouse but they will thank you when martial law comes, if you are still married at that point. You can also grow a survival garden, but you will have to protect it from the hordes of marauding drug addicts that have fled the major cities.
- That Glenn Beck book about the revolution. I guess the sex scenes are pretty lame, but a good way to pass the time until Rand Paul and Michelle Bachman can establish a new territorial government in Cheyenne, Wyoming.
- Gold, gold, and more gold. Sure, gold is just another arbitrary symbol of value and has no intrinsic worth, but the lady on the shortwave told me I need some. However, you do get some kind of Twilight Zone hubris points if you starve to death in you basement surrounded by 50 pounds of the stuff.
Now you know what’s coming and you have your supplies. Let me give you a few tips
- Stay away from FEMA! Even though they have the food, medicine, and shelter, somehow they are the bad guys in this and they will make you into Harry Dean Stanton in Red Dawn.
- Your neighbors are the enemy, and must be dealt with accordingly. A crisis is no time for community cooperation (fucking progressives). This is every patriot for themselves even if it would be more beneficial for everyone to work together. Someone has to be the asshole on the block that suggests executing the Jenkins kid, be that asshole.
- Shoot first; let the grand jury sort it out later. Look, maybe you got a little carried away, but the power had been out for 4 hours and there was no air conditioning. A jury of your peers will totally understand that you had to shoot Bob and take his cooler to survive.
- Plan for the worst so you don’t have to put in the effort to make the best. We could probably avoid a social meltdown if we would all work together in a spirit of compromise and shared values, but who has time for that? Genuine efforts to make America a better place are so boring and non-violent. It’s a lot more entertaining complain about being the victim and troll your neighbors at a city zoning hearing by wearing a side arm.
So now you’re ready. If anyone tries to force you to gay marry or serve on a death panel you can resist just like Patrick Henry, if Patrick Henry had been a crazy, self-centered bastard. Be strong America. President Palin is only a couple of years away. Courage.
Warning: Author is dweeb academic type who does not normally do “creative writing.” She apologizes in advance for any tedium. Thanks Mr. Meat, this is great.
I don’t sleep. Even when I was a kid I was up at three in the morning staring at the ceiling. During the summer I stayed with my grandparents on an isolated farm in the Western Nebraska scrub. My grandmother didn’t sleep either. We would lay on her bed in the still hours and she would read the comics to me while my grandfather slept in the recliner he passed out in at eight o’clock. Continue reading