tv

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Netflix Sunday: My So-Called Life edition

Welcome back to another edition of Netflix Sunday. I was originally planning on sharing about more British shows, but then I remembered American TV has some awesome stuff. America! F*CK YEAH!

So this week’s Netflix contender is 1994’s My So Called Life. As a teenager in the 1990’s, this show was all about me and my life. Then again, I was a teenager, so everything was about me. Don’t judge, you thought that way as well.

My So Called life was a short-running show with all of 19 episodes, but one of my favorites that pretty successfully encapsulated the teenage experience in the 1990’s.

The story centered on a young Claire Danes as Angela Chase, a girl growing up in a suburb of Pittsburgh, who, like most of us, was growing older and emotionally ambivalent towards her parents, while discovering new friends and life experiences.

Her two best friends were Rayanne Graff, a free spirit (whose wardrobe I always idolized) with an alcoholic, mostly absent mother and a drug problem, and Rickie, the eyeliner-wearing boy who lived with his abusive uncle. Rayanne was the bad influence, but her affection for Angela was apparent, as was her hidden vulnerability, distrust of people, and her desire for her friends to act as her family, because her family had failed her, causing you to both love and hate Rayanne.

The show was rather topical and took on some intense issues in its short run – child abuse, sex, drug use and had an openly gay teenager. This was before Ellen Degeneres came out publicly in ~~2002~~ 1997 or ’98, which was a HUGE deal, so for a show to portray a gay teenager in the mid-1990’s in a sympathetic way; in such a central role to the show was a fairly influential to a lot of people my age.

The show also starred a young Jared Leto as Jordan Catalano-the dreamy object of Angela’s affections, an eye-opener to those of us who had raging crushes on the brooding, guitar-playing hottie that pretty much all teenage crushes suck.

While show portrayed several difficult social issues, it managed to not be overly preachy. It’s honest look at teenage life and angst wasn’t necessary sympathetic or critical – Angela makes a lot of decisions she’s not sure if she should be proud of, but shows that time for what it is – a difficult time of self-discovery as teenagers realize their potential to become independent adults, while dealing with learning some of the harder lessons alone. Also, the soundtrack is classic 1990’s. Can’t beat that!

What NBC Can Learn From The USA Network

Unfortunately NBC has brewed a mixed bag of bad. While there’s still entertainment to be found in the network’s bread and butter Thursday night comedy lineup, the gangrenous toe seems to be the network’s choice of dramas — and the problems lie exactly where they don’t want them to — in concept and execution. As ratings show, nearly every one of this season’s dramas has either been canceled, see: Outlaw, Undercovers, and Chase, or are getting ever closer to the chopping block, see: The Cape, Law & Order: LA, and The Event.

What are they doing? What’s going wrong?

Despite its best efforts, The Event suffers from an erratic timeline, mediocre acting, lack of central focus, and way too much hype without enough delivery. All combined this is like visual napalm for the viewer. Similarly, NBC’s lauded hero action thriller The Cape is a confused mess of ideas. Is it an action-show or a moving comic? Is it about urban street crime, or nefarious corporations with overseas ties to terrorism? If the show itself is this neurotic imagine what viewers feel watching it.

The USA Network, sister network to NBC interestingly enough, has hit its stride in recent years with such acclaimed shows as Psych, Burn Notice, In Plain Sight, and Royal Pains, which is leaps and bounds ahead of where the once fledgling network started when it was largely known for B-movies and wrestling. So how has the burgeoning giant climbed in ratings while NBC has suffered such a decline?

What USA Does That’s Different

Develops A Fresh Face Approach: USA programs are all about the people at the forefront. Lost is over and done with, and so is answering questions while just creating new ones. This idea is so overworked that it should look stale on paper and never be filmed again. USA programs pride themselves on character development and fresh faces. Psych is about Shawn and Gus’ friendship and banter. Burn Notice is about Mike, Fiona, and Sam’s intersecting loyalty, friendship, and ability to kick-ass as a team. Royal Pains is about Hank and Evan’s sibling rivalry/brotherly love. The people make the shows work.

Truth Nugget: Don’t build up an elaborate house of cards with forgettable characters and hope no one blows the house down.

Looks at the Man in the Mirror: No one has the right answers all the time. Just plopping a perfect pretty face on screen will not endear a character to an audience. There is such a thing as hero-fatigue if our caped crusader isn’t rounded out with enough nuance and sincerity. One-dimensional is, well, what NBC is now. Depth, pains, humanity, fears, flaws and struggle — this is what USA offers. Basically viewers need to care about the characters by identifying with each one’s eccentricities, foibles, and endearments.

Truth Nugget: Patrick Swayze would tell NBC to, “Ga-gung, Ga-gung” and feel their character’s hearts beating in their chest.

Likes a Fish Out of Water: USA characters experience new things for the first time. This means that the audience is experiencing something new for the first time. Aha! Right? The hook and catch to ER’s first episode was young Dr. Carter embarking on his first day. Similarly, many of USA’s character’s are doing something they’ve never encountered before, like concierge doctoring, legal mediating, or being a burned spy. We’re all learning together, see?! NBC may have forgotten this tried and true method, but USA hasn’t.

Truth Nugget: If you’re throwing your character in the deep end — the choice better be to have him or her swim.

Doesn’t Reinvent the Wheel: In each of USA’s programs you’ll see a little bit of what made shows from the 70’s and 80’s great. There’s a little MacGyver and Marcus Welby, Moonlighting, and Three’s Company. The network is also not afraid to pair new stars with some familiar faces, and every now and again you’ll find homage to a successful show of the past, and even appearances from long forgotten actors. Psych‘s recent Twin Peaks episode, which featured stars from the original show, was a great success. Pulling in the likes of veteran actors Sharon Gless (an ex-cop), Corbin Bernsen (an ex-lawyer), Henry Winkler (an ex-Fonz), and Ally Sheedy (an ex-basket case) has assisted in the ratings boon for the network.

Truth Nugget: Going back doesn’t mean you can’t push forward.

Laughs Through the Pain: You know what makes a show that could easily get mired down with heavy drama — light and likable — a joke or two. Yes, USA prides itself on dramas with comedic elements. They don’t take themselves too seriously and are experts at being able to pull an unexpected guffaw from the viewer. The pendulum can swing from high intensity action, or hard-hitting drama, right into a funny gag that lightens and livens the moment.

Truth Nugget: Great banter with a wink and a nod adds depth and makes those moments that could be so serious that they’re almost laughable — palatable.

Packs its Bags: USA gets out of the police station, the hospital, the courtroom, or the busy metropolitan streets, and finds a new place to set up shop. USA’s theory is blue skies, good weather, and fun in the sun. We know NBC can work with a set really well. The NBC comedy lineup is a testament to great set work, but what can it do on location?

Truth Nugget: Hitting the open road is better than closing the door for good.

What is NBC’s Challenge:

Not to mirror themselves after the USA network completely, that would be silly and counterproductive, it is its own network after all, but to perhaps take some notes from a network that succeeds — and well, is actually part of their Comcast-owned family. Thinking outside the box about how to add some quirk, fun, and simplicity to their dramas could make all the difference. The viewers will appreciate it. But more importantly they’ll watch.

The Amazing Race Recap: Big In Japan

Welcome back to a busy leg of The Amazing Race! In what I think may be a race first, instead of lolling about at a resort until the morning, after the teams checked into the pit stop they were sent on an overnight train ride from The Outback to Somewhere With Airplanes. The Nerds (Zev and Justin) were the first to leave the pit stop and learned that they had to fly to Tokyo, Japan. They reminisced about the last time they were in Japan and had to eat fistfuls of wasabi. Otherwise, they were nonplused by their destination. One person that was super duper OMG! holy cow we’re going to Japan! Did you read that? We’re going to Jah-payyyuuun!!!! Whoooo! was the Daughter half of Father/Daughter. Maybe Japan was on her bucket list, or maybe she just really likes sushi and questionable fashion trends. I don’t know. But she was excited.

Eventually the teams all figured out that there were two flights to Japan–a direct flight that got in at 6:15am, and a connecting flight that got in at 6:00am. Now, I’ve watched enough seasons of TAR to know that you do not risk a connection over fifteen minutes. But despite having actually run the race before, some teams did not know this. People, please. If you’re going on a reality television show, do yourself a favor and watch a few seasons beforehand. You can learn lots of great stuff, like never give away an immunity idol, never make a dress that could be worn by the mother of a bride, and never choose a connecting flight over a direct flight to save fifteen minutes. Sheesh!

The Nerds and the Globetrotters were waffling back and forth between the direct flight and the connecting flight, and eventually decided to go for the one that got in earlier. But, waffling takes time, and time is not your friend on TAR. By the time they went to purchase their tickets for the connecting flight, there were only 2 seats left. What would they do? Flip a coin? Rock, Paper, Scissors? Thunderdome? Nope. The Globetrotters let the Nerds have the last two seats because the Nerds had helped them out with a clue earlier. Have I mentioned that I love these guys?

Along with the Nerds, the “Couple,” The Deaf Kid And His Umbilical Cord, Mel and Mike, and the Cheerleaders all opted to take the connecting flight. The bad news is that there were engine troubles with the connecting flight. The good news is, they were on the ground when they found out about the engine troubles. But it did delay their flight, and I hate to say I told you so (that’s not true, I actually love it), but the direct flight landed first.

Once in Japan, the teams had to drive themselves to city of Kamakura and find the Yabusame Dojo. The parking garage was the coolest thing ever! The cars rotated on a giant Wonder Wheel and spit out of a slot like a vending machine. And for an added bonus, the Globetrotters looked like they were driving a little clown car, which may or may not be part of their basketball routine.

All of the teams seemed to get a bit lost, and Old Yeller started doing his yelling thing again. But, berating his daughter paid off because they got to the Roadblock first. Way to reward bad behavior, TAR.

At the Roadblock, one team member had to participate in a Yabusame training exercise. Old Yeller himself chose to do the Roadblock and was dressed as a samurai and given a bow and arrow. I would not have given an angry, short-tempered old man a weapon, but hey, that’s just me. The Sisters Who Peed In China, the Globetrotters, and Father/Daughter arrived shortly afterwards and got suited up and began practicing the routine which involved some sort of bending exercises and shooting an arrow through a piece of plywood while riding a mechanical bull set to “easy peasy lemon squeezy” mode.

The Sister hit the target first, and that pissed off Old Yeller. Next was Justin. Bam! Hit the target. Then the Father. Old Yeller must’ve been steaming at that. The “Couple”, Mel and Mike, and the Deaf Kid And His Umbilical Cord showed up at the Roadblock just as the Globetrotters completed the task. Finally, Old Yeller let out a yelp and hit the target and his daughter cheerfully exclaimed “good job, Daddy!” What a nice family, I think they’re going to really bond over this experience.

Two teams were missing in action–the Cowboys and the Cheerleaders. The Cowboys were very, very, very lost. Their navigational plan was to drive “south.” I’m not sure if they understood that Japan is an island, and too much driving “south” would lead to a very long swim.

In contrast to the Cowboys’ lackadaisical approach, the Cheerleaders rammed right into another car. They hit a side mirror, and the car’s owner called the police. The Cheerleaders broke a mirror. Ha! Throw them in jail for Extreme Irony (and Horribleness)! Although the police did not throw them in jail (they ordered the Cheerleaders to hug the other driver, figuring forcing these women to be nice was the cruelest punishment of all), the incident did slow down their race considerably.

All teams eventually completed the Roadblock and were sent to a railway station to find a statue and their next clue. The Nerds and Father/Daughter got there first. The teams had a choice between two tasks–Prayer of Purity or Frog of Life. In Prayer of Purity, the teams had to complete a cleansing ritual and then stand under a freezing cold waterfall for one minute. In Frog of Life, teams had to strip down, get into a mud pit, and search for a plastic frog while being pelted with mud by boisterous locals. Please choose Frogs of Life, please choose Frogs of Life, please choose Frogs of Life!

They chose Frogs of Life! Whoo hoo! The task looked absolutely awful. Not only were they looking for a small frog in a mud pit while wearing nothing but a diaper, but the locals were serious about pelting them with mud. The Nerds found the frog first and had to drive to the pit stop in Kuriyama, Japan. Father/Daughter were close on their heels, so to speed things up, the Nerds hopped in their car pantsless. I am now performing a purity ritual on my eyeballs.

Speaking of purity rituals, Old Yeller and the Globetrotters were the only teams to choose this task. I hope the ritual cleansed the evil out of Old Yeller, because he was in rare form. The Globetrotters made quick work of the task and completed the task first. While grabbing their backpacks to leave, they accidentally picked up Old Yeller’s fanny pack which contained Ron and Christina’s passports. Whoops! Realizing their mistake, the Globetrotters left the fanny pack in the changing room. This left Old Yeller fuming because he had spent a few minutes berating his daughter for not being more careful. Good work, Globetrotters! You pushed that man one step closer to the edge.

As the Cheerleaders headed to the frog task, the Nerds were running to the mat. For the second week in a row, the Nerds were team number one. Good for you, pantsless boys! Father/Daughter were next, followed by the Globetrotters and Old Yeller. Old Yeller was not happy about the fanny pack situation and complained to Phil, who gave the Globetrotters a 30 minute penalty. Fair enough I suppose, but still, it was a bit of a snitchy thing to do.

Meanwhile, more digging through mud, more frogs and diapers, and the Cheerleaders finally made it to the mud pit. The sun had gone down, and the only other team left was Mel and Mike. Poor Mel was a wreck. Mike had the good senses to take his father to a nearby ambulance to warm up. Unfortunately, getting into an ambulance is never a good strategy for winning TAR.

The Cheerleaders found the frog pretty quickly, which meant Mel and Mike were the last ones left at the task. The Cheerleaders never saw Mel and Mike in the ambulance, so when they got to the mat, they assumed that they were going to be eliminated. When Phil told them that they were team number nine, something horrible happened. One of the Cheerleaders (I don’t know which one, they both look the same, it’s kind of creeping me out) said “shut the front door!” as a substitute for “shut the fuck up!” No. Just no. There is no place for cleaned up churchy-speak on TAR, and I hope that the next time one of them pulls crap like that, the producers bleep it out so that my ears do not have to be offended by their non-potty-mouths.

Mel and Mike didn’t finish the task and were eliminated. That’s too bad, but it was bound to happen eventually, and Mike did say that he didn’t want to kill his father, so mission accomplished. The teams are off to China for the next leg, where it looks like the “Couple” takes a long drive in the wrong direction. Fun!

So what did you think? Did the Globetrotters deserve the penalty? Were you hoping this was a non-elimination leg, or would it have been cruel to force Mel to continue?

Netflix Sunday: Who should (and shouldn’t) catch up on ‘Doctor Who’

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We all have them. The TV shows we missed out on when they originally aired because we didn’t know about them until ages later, or hadn’t heard of them because they’re on the real BBC, but BBC America won’t air them because they want to show the non-BBC Star Trek, TNG at the same freaking time as Syfy. But I digress.

Your solution is Netflix. We all know Netflix and we should all have Netflix, because, well, it’s eight damn dollars a month for streaming only, and if you can’t shell that out for some awesome entertainment you missed out on the first time around, there’s nothing I can do for you here.

*ahem*

Speaking of the BBC, my first suggestion is no surprise to anyone who knows me or has asked for TV suggestions on or off the internet: Doctor Who.

If you’re not familiar, Doctor Who is about a humanoid alien who travels through all of space and time, having adventures and saving the day (or all of eternity). Not bad for a lonely Time Lord.

Doctor Who is a blend of sci-fi, fantasy, and a little bit of British wit and is always fascinating, exciting, and never boring. The show provides a fantastic mix of serious, heart-wrenching episodes as well as those with the perfect balance of suspense and humor. Each incarnation of The Doctor has his own personality and sense of style, and creates his own reality that seamlessly ties who he once was to who he is now.

The show also tells multiple stories as the series goes on. Some are complete after a few episodes, and others continue through seasons and between incarnations of the Doctor. There’s plot development with most episodes, even if it’s in a minute amount. There are some that are great episodes seemingly independently of the rest of the series, but then the theme or character turns up unexpectedly in another storyline and another time. It’s not as complex as Lost* was in that you don’t have to keep a database updated with every line of every episode, but it does require some attention to detail – and the end in the stories of the Whoniverse actually make sense!

Doctor Who, as it exists now, is going into Season 6 this spring. However, it’s technically season 32, which requires an explanation that I’ll give…. now. The show originated in 1963 via the good people at the BBC. An older gentleman by the name of William Hartnell played the role of the Doctor, and the show became so popular that by the time he wanted to retire, the producers decided to give the Doctor the ability to regenerate. Per the show, when the doctor is so sick or injured he cannot recover, he has can regenerate into a completely new person. He gets a new look, personality and fashion sense because the Doctor is never a jeans and t-shirt type, the man’s got style, dammit.

In any case, the show premiered in 1963, went off the air in the 80s, and was re-launched as an American version in 1996 which failed miserably. In fact, that might be the origin of “epic fail”, but then was finally relaunched by the BBC, as it should be, in 2005 with the introduction of the 9^th Doctor.

The Doctor gets lonely, so he usually has at least one companion with him on his adventures to add a human element, give him company, and most conveniently for the sake of exposition. Typically the companions are young and female. It seems the 900 year old Doctor is probably secretly a dirty old man, but we don’t get to see that on camera. Only his genius, charm, and distinctive sense of style are visible to us, the lowly human audience.

Season 1 of the relaunch, (or season 27 if you prefer), stars Christopher Eccleston as the Doctor, and Billie Piper plays his companion, Rose. You might be familiar with Piper from Secret Diary of a Call Girl, and Christopher Eccleston because he’s awesome, and also because he sort of recently played the invisible guy on Heroes. I mean, when he wasn’t invisible at least.

Seasons 2-4 brings about the 10^th Doctor – one Mr. David Tennant of Barty Crouch Jr (and some of those Shakespeare guy’s performances) fame. At a young age, Mr. Tennant decided to be an actor and would tell people that one day he would grow up to play Doctor Who on TV. Now, my childhood plan of living at Disney World never panned out, but I’m happy for him anyway.

The newer series has plenty of nods to the original, so there’s still the Doctor Who familiarity for those who have seen the older ones but not this new set. There is a variety of original series villains, such as the classic Daleks, Cybermen, and the living plastic Autons. New villains and characters are introduced, such as Lady Cassandra O’Brien Dot Delta Seventeen, the Face of Boe, the (farting) Slitheens, and my personal favorite the Weeping Angels.

Since the BBC employs approximately 37 working actors, there are some familiar faces through the series such as Billie Piper of Secret Diary of a Call Girl as the Doctor’s first companion, Rose, Simon Pegg in a delightfully creepy role, Freema Agyeman, now of Law & Order, UK, and Catherine Tate, of the hilarious Catherine Tate show (which you should also watch). You’ll also be able to pick out a variety of Harry Potter actors; Rita Skeeter, Barty Crouch Sr, Moaning Myrtle, and freaking DUMBLEDORE (not as Dumbledore). Also, Carey Mulligan, some actors from the British Being Human, and some kick-ass Shakespearian actors.

Seasons 1-4, plus all the applicable specials are on Netflix streaming. Unfortunately, though season 5 is out on DVD, it has not yet been added to the streaming queue. BBC America will likely have a season 5 marathon someday soon before season 6 premieres though, so you’ll be able to catch up then if you so desire.

Still not sure? Maybe this will help:

Watch Doctor Who if:

You have a soul
You’re ok with a budget production and suspending disbelief when it comes to several special effects
You like any sci-fi series: Battlestar Galactica, any Star Wars, etc.
You enjoy cliffhangers, recurring characters and themes, and having to pay attention to a plot.
You find British Accents sexy or just generally nice to listen to.
You enjoy action, but not really much killing and almost zero blood and guts (there may be one time, I can’t remember)

Do not watch Doctor Who if:

You have no tolerance for fantasy, nor any ability to suspend disbelief. There are some slightly holey plot points that may require this ability.
You hate sci-fi. In fact, if you hate the genre, we’re probably not going to do too well here overall.
You think British people sound funny and you don’t like them. Again, if that’s you, we’re not going to get along.
You hate having to follow a plot over several episodes to know what’s happening.

In the meantime, happy Netflixing!

*that show will never end up in this series

Back to the Island! 5-0 Style!

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I know you missed my updates from the 50th (and 3rd-Awesomest) state.

I’m sorry! The holidays and whatnot. I’d like to say that you didn’t miss much on Hawaii 5-0, but you did. You missed so much!

But, we can’t go back in time, so we are just going to have to pick up with this week’s lessons about National Security, Fashion, and Shaved Ice. Don’t worry. You don’t have to have seen the episode. This is all about what we can learn about the world around us. 5-0 Style!

Recap!

Fake pirates kidnap rich kids off of a boat and ask for ransom. 5-0 saves the day!

Pirates are Everywhere!

One of the main things I learned this week? Pirates are everywhere. (It was right there in the header.) Apparently, they are a huge problem in Hawaii. So huge, in fact, that if you want to kidnap somebody, you should totally just pretend to be a pirate. Because then you will just blend in with all the other pirates.

(Note: Apparently it helps if you dump a dead pirate on the deck. This is very convincing.)

Other things we learn later about real Hawaiian pirates:

They don’t kill people, just rob them.
People who kill people are fake pirates.
HOOYAH is apparently the name for the pirate code of silence. (A real pirate said it during interrogation. This one in particular might come in handy.)
If you have a specific engraving on your watch, the pirate will not pawn your watch, but wear it, just in case he needs an alibi for a kidnapping that occurred at the same time he stole your watch.

(Note: These things may only apply to Hawaiian pirates. I make no promises that they will work on other pirates. If you are near Somalia, you are on your own.)

Nick Lachey’s Lover is Trapped in the Closet!

I hate love hate love! obvious examples of Chekhov’s gun. You know the old saying “If there is a Nick Lachey in the scene, somebody is going to get shot by the end of the episode.” Well, at the beginning of this episode:

The only person left on the boat when 5-0 shows up is a super-cute girl that hides in a closet on the main deck. Sorry, do I hear bells ringing in my head?

Her boyfriend who meets her at the dock is Nick Lachey, and they leave together “never to be seen again.” HOLY SHIT THOSE BELLS ARE LOUD!

(Note: If at this point you predict that she will be the one who has to bring the ransom to the head bad guy at the end, who turns out to be…Nick Lachey (WHAT?!), you have seen television before.)

Technology Rules!

5-0 has a Surface, or whatever those table computers are called that can take an excel spreadsheet and magically turn all the matching squares into neon green blocks with “MATCH!” written in comic sans. It’s like the world’s most powerful “My First Matching Game!” But that wasn’t the cool part.

They also take “biometric” mug shots of your eyeballs so they can match your face to people in ski masks that have eyes that look exactly like NICK LACHEY! But that is not the cool part either.

They also have a button on all police computers that you touch and it “Transfers call to 5-0.” I’m sorry. Did I say computer? I meant computer screen! That was even cooler, but still not the cool part.

McGuffin or McGarble or Tall Guy has an iPhone App that just shows every kind of gun to a witness for identification purposes. I call it “Gunphone.”

“This one? *swipe* This one? *swipe* This one? *swipe* THIS ONE?! IT WAS AN AK-47!”

(Note: She is in on it! Why is she correctly identifying the gun?! Also, why do bad guys always use the same gun? “We matched ballistics to 400 other crimes on that island over there.” Also, couldn’t they have just figured out the type of gun by those exact same ballistics? Also, what does it matter?!)

*****

Break 1: Subtle Product Placement Edition: The families of the missing kids are all staying “at the Hilton.” Very smooth MacGuffin!

Break 2: Grace Park walks in wearing a red/pink top and green pants. My wife says “Why does she look like a watermelon?” I do not say: “Honey, Grace Park never looks like a watermelon.”

Break 3: Have I mentioned that their primary “man on the street” is a sumo-wrestler trainee who runs a shaved ice stand and gets his “intel” from “what I read in the paper.” 5-0 style!

*****

Pawn Shops Suck. Explode them!

At some point in the episode they needed information from a guy that runs a pawn shop. I don’t know why. I don’t care. Something to do with a single golden money clip that tied the entire case together. Here is what I do know. Pawn shops are always shady. Always. Is there a not shady pawn shop anywhere in the world? I think that if the guy at the pawn shop won’t help you out you should strap a grenade to the door of his office and then run out the front door. Fortunately for me, McGrudel agrees. BOOM! Maybe you’ll speak to 5-0 now Mr. Shady Pawn Shop Guy.

Sexy Time!

There is always some unnecessarily “sexy” element to 5-0. This week it was how all the young kidnap victims were being held in a hot cage all half-naked. They looked like a commercial for Skins or something. It was totally inappropriate. Also, hot. Later in the episode they are trapped in a sweaty school bus. That was just creepy.

5-0 Don’t Care!

Armed kidnapping in international waters! Forget the FBI! Fuck the Coast Guard! 5-0 Don’t Care! State Police Task Force in the HOUSE!

Paying ransom to kidnappers like everybody says you are supposed to? No fucking way! 5-0 Don’t Care! We are going in armed and strong. Paying them will just lead to disaster! One kid’s dad ignored 5-0 and paid their family’s share of the ransom anyway. When the kidnappers killed a hostage for only paying part of the ransom, guess who they killed? That’s right punk. Listen to 5-0 next time! Because 5-0 don’t care! Paying = disaster!

After the kid died, 5-0 decided to pay up after all. Changing plans for no reason!? 5-0 Don’t Care!

*****

Break 4: Fight scene in a bar! (Doesn’t matter why.) (a) Grace Park can jump from the middle of one escalator to another and kick somebody in the face. (b) A guy named Bobby ran really fast. His hair looked like it was in a Flock of Seagulls cover band (he did not), and when he ran it started flapping like wings.

Break 5: Survivor Commercial. A former marine says that the best part of Survivor is no one is shooting at you. No Mr. Marine, that is the worst part about Survivor.

*****

How Did It End?!

According to the kidnappers, cute-girl-from-the-closet (remember her?) was the only one who could take the ransom to some dirty, sticky, warehouse or dock or whatever, filled with naked-kidnapped-teenagers, BECAUSE SHE IS IN ON IT! Who else knew that? That’s right 5-0 did! The money was just phone books! Thank goodness we don’t use phone books anymore, so they could just waste them all like that. “What are we going to fill the bags with?” “I don’t know. How about all those phone books over there?”

Anyway, BOOM! POW! Some disco lights go off or something. Nick Lachey runs and jumps into a trolley! McGrawhillber shoots him! Everybody lives except the kid of the punk-ass dude that did not listen to 5-0.

Moral!

Listen to 5-0! If you don’t, your kid will die! 5-0 don’t care!

Verdict!

Not enough Scott Caan.

Confessions: Dreadful TV Edition

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I’ve watched bad TV my whole life; normally, it was always along the lines of Jersey Shore, Real Housewives, and (very, very ashamedly) American Idol. But recently it’s gotten worse. Much worse. In the past year, I’ve watched (in no particular order):

Pretty Little Liars

I have no idea what got me and Roommate hooked on what we fondly refer to as PLL. I think we missed Gossip Girl actually being good? I don’t know. This show is certainly not good, to say the least. So why do I keep watching it? I think it has something to do with the (SPOILER ALERT! LOLJK I know nobody except me watches this crap) fake blind girl, terribly inappropriate ABC Family channel relationship between a 16-year-old student and her English teacher, “unsolvable” murder, and whatever other ridiculous, Agatha Christie-aneurism-for-high-schoolers plotline they come up with. It may be of note that this is the only scripted terrible TV show I watch. (Is it of note? I don’t know. There are so many things about this show that I can answer with “I don’t know.”)

Say Yes to the Dress

I FUCKING LOVE THIS SHOW. I’d love to say I have no idea why I love this show, but that would be a huge lie and this is not a post in which I lie to you, dear friends. This is a post in which I come clean over my addictions. I love this show because Hot. Damn. I love watching uppity bitches acting like the terrible people we all know they are. And Randy. And OMG SO MANY PRETTY DRESSES!!11!!!

World’s Strictest Parents

No joke, I’ve cried watching this. Cried. Go ahead; tear me apart in the comments over my feelings. But for real, this show takes either redneck shithead kids or spoiled untamed rich kids and sticks them with super Christian families who make the kids, like, you know, work and the bad kids FREAK THE FUCK OUT. And then they redeem themselves and learn about feelings. And then they go to college and they meet people at parties who are like, “Hey, didn’t I see you on World’s Strictest Parents?” Like teens through the reality TV cycle, so are the days of our lives.

(I couldn’t find any videos with embedding code from the US version of this show so you’ll just have to trust me. Or go here.)

Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami

When I saw the previews for this steaming pile of Armenian over-sharing, I thought there was no way on Kgod’s Kgreen Kearth it could be worth watching. But oh! How wrong I was! Much like the other programs listed, this show is worth watching because it’s really fun to judge people who willingly put their lives on television in order to feel better about yourself. (Isn’t that kind of the point of reality TV?) Let me tell you a-something about this family: Kourtney and Khloe used to like to get really shitfaced and hook up with random dudes and it was amazing. Unfortunately for all of us, the show was pretty much over once Kourtney popped out the spawn of Patrick Bateman, Khloe married some tall guy who loves lakes, and a terrible spin-off set in New York (it violates the acclaimed scientific theorem that only two Kardashians (neither of which being Kim) at a time are bearable) came to be on the air.

I have more terrible TV shows I love but I think I’ve embarrassed myself enough for one day. Make me feel less alone and tell me what awful TV you can’t get enough of in the comments.

Out with the old, and… In with the old!

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Yes folks, some of us have decided to bring back one of the most consistently entertaining aspects of The Place Which Shall not Be Named – Live Blogs!

Our first victim? Syfy’s own Face-Off.

It airs Tuesdays at 10 PM. If you’re not familiar, Face-Off is a reality competition show for special-effects make-up artists. It has the same format as every other cable channel TV show I’ve ever seen, as in there’s a mini-challenge at the beginning of the episode, then the contestants have a themed challenge that they have x-number of hours to complete, rinse, repeat.

The thing is, the challenges are pretty damn cool and the judges actually have a clue. We get to hear the words of wisdom from industry pros such as Ve Neill, of Pirates of the Carribbean and Edward Scissorhands fame, and winner of three of those Academy Award thingies, which is cool, I guess. Also, Glenn Hetrick of Heroes, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the FREAKING X-FILES people, and Patrick Tatopoulos, who had a hand in Underworld, Independence Day, and Resident Evil: Extinction.

Those Independence Day aliens were wicked cool, y’all. Especially the one that got punched in the face by Will Smith. Ok, so the face punching was the cool part, but still.

Tonight’s challenge apparently involves “Friday the 13th” director Sean Cunningham and the creation of horror movie villains. Sounds interesting. And gory. Mmmmm…. gore….

So, Syfy (Still hate that name) at 10 PM. Hope to see you there!

Grammys Not Completely Out Of Touch This Year

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I hate the Grammy Awards and usually ignore them, but I’m crashing at a friend’s place tonight and she hosted a little Grammys party so I had to sit through the whole thing…and it wasn’t bad! That’s not to say there weren’t plenty of boring and/or awkward moments to be had–and Katy Perry’s wedding-video montage was just the most mawkish thing–but they also got some things right this year, which was definitely a pleasant surprise. Here are some examples:

Arcade Fire’s The Suburbs wasn’t necessarily the best album of the year, but it was certainly better than the other nominees. And before you object, “But what about Gaga!” please remember that she was nominated for an 8-track EP, which was very enjoyable but hardly “long-playing.” Speaking of which…
…Lady Gaga’s red carpet entrance was phenomenally bizarre, but “Born This Way” is–at best–a mediocre dance-floor anthem and certainly not the stunning first single we were expecting from her new album. She’s a great singer and it shows in her live performances, but once hers was over the night was refreshingly non-Gaga-centric. For all the Gaga hype with which CBS surrounded the Grammys (i.e. the one-hour Anderson Cooper interview that aired before the show), she didn’t dominate the evening. Not to sound petty, but this was a relief. Girl’s talented, but backlash doesn’t discriminate.
About forty minutes into the show, there had been one award presented and four performances. This was pretty silly–it’s an awards show, after all–but frankly, I’d rather watch a string of engaging performances than a string of self-congratulatory acceptance speeches. Jagger was spry, Bruno Mars and company had me enjoying their music for the first time, and Usher’s dancing during “OMG” was top-notch. Like all awards shows, the Grammys started to drag by the final half hour, but this year’s ceremony wasn’t nearly as excruciating as in previous years.
Older artists didn’t seem totally irrelevant this year! I already mentioned Jagger, but two other performances from industry veterans are worth noting: Babs and Bob. Barbara Streisand doesn’t need a “reason” to perform at the Grammys, and when she got on stage, I imagine that gays and Long Island soccer moms alike paid attention. She started off a bit wobbly but really hit some of her notes beautifully through the majority of “Evergreen.” And while Bob Dylan’s pretty unintelligible these days, he seemed surprisingly charismatic during his performance and his mere presence was clearly a huge moment for all the younger musicians on stage.
I feel really bad for Aretha Franklin. Something tells me she didn’t stay home simply because she’s “getting better.” I obviously hope she can beat this pancreatic cancer, but it’s not an easy thing to do. The tribute was rockin’, though; each of the ladies on stage sounded great. And after her little national anthem bungle at the Super Bowl, it was nice to see Christina Aguilera remind everyone why she got famous in the first place–that voice!
Okay, it’s worth mentioning again. ARCADE FIRE WON ALBUM OF THE YEAR. My friend put it well: “When you first listened to <i>Funeral</i>, could you ever imagine them winning the top Grammy award?” While a band that sells out Madison Square Garden and appears on the cover of TIME is definitely not “underground,” Arcade Fire is still an indie band, and it was awesome to see the Grammys finally recognize the nebulous but notoriously overlooked category of “indie music.”

What did you all think? Who on earth is Esperanza Spalding, and why have I never heard of her? Could Justin Bieber have looked more ridiculous in his lil’ white tuxedo?

Staten Island, in 30 Seconds

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To quote the inimitable Dan Hopper over at the Best Week Ever blog (where I first saw this gem), “Even if you brace yourself for the locallest commercial that ever localled, you’re still not expecting this ad for Staten Island’s Empire State Gold Buyers. You’re not prepared for Randomly Singing Mom. You’re just not.”

I’m not being facetious when I say that I need to see more of this woman on my television, right now.

Boardwalk Empire Season Finale Tonight!

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Are the D’Alessio brothers done? Will Arnold Rothstein flee the country? Is Margaret ever coming back? What will Eli do now that he is no longer the Sheriff? What’s up with Nucky and Chalky? Will the Commodore take revenge on Gillian? What’s Jimmy going to do about Angela’s betrayal? How will Agent Van Alden deal with Sebso’s death? What will happen to Annabelle now that her “fella” is dead broke? What’s going on with Lucky? How will the elections turn out? What’s Capone going to do from Chicago? So many questions! Can’t wait for the season finale. Anyone else tuning in?