epuff

I’ve watched bad TV my whole life; normally, it was always along the lines of Jersey Shore, Real Housewives, and (very, very ashamedly) American Idol. But recently it’s gotten worse. Much worse. In the past year, I’ve watched (in no particular order):

Pretty Little Liars

I have no idea what got me and Roommate hooked on what we fondly refer to as PLL. I think we missed Gossip Girl actually being good? I don’t know. This show is certainly not good, to say the least. So why do I keep watching it? I think it has something to do with the (SPOILER ALERT! LOLJK I know nobody except me watches this crap) fake blind girl, terribly inappropriate ABC Family channel relationship between a 16-year-old student and her English teacher, “unsolvable” murder, and whatever other ridiculous, Agatha Christie-aneurism-for-high-schoolers plotline they come up with. It may be of note that this is the only scripted terrible TV show I watch. (Is it of note? I don’t know. There are so many things about this show that I can answer with “I don’t know.”)

Say Yes to the Dress

I FUCKING LOVE THIS SHOW. I’d love to say I have no idea why I love this show, but that would be a huge lie and this is not a post in which I lie to you, dear friends. This is a post in which I come clean over my addictions. I love this show because Hot. Damn. I love watching uppity bitches acting like the terrible people we all know they are. And Randy. And OMG SO MANY PRETTY DRESSES!!11!!!

World’s Strictest Parents

No joke, I’ve cried watching this. Cried. Go ahead; tear me apart in the comments over my feelings. But for real, this show takes either redneck shithead kids or spoiled untamed rich kids and sticks them with super Christian families who make the kids, like, you know, work and the bad kids FREAK THE FUCK OUT. And then they redeem themselves and learn about feelings. And then they go to college and they meet people at parties who are like, “Hey, didn’t I see you on World’s Strictest Parents?” Like teens through the reality TV cycle, so are the days of our lives.

(I couldn’t find any videos with embedding code from the US version of this show so you’ll just have to trust me. Or go here.)

Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami

When I saw the previews for this steaming pile of Armenian over-sharing, I thought there was no way on Kgod’s Kgreen Kearth it could be worth watching. But oh! How wrong I was! Much like the other programs listed, this show is worth watching because it’s really fun to judge people who willingly put their lives on television in order to feel better about yourself. (Isn’t that kind of the point of reality TV?) Let me tell you a-something about this family: Kourtney and Khloe used to like to get really shitfaced and hook up with random dudes and it was amazing. Unfortunately for all of us, the show was pretty much over once Kourtney popped out the spawn of Patrick Bateman, Khloe married some tall guy who loves lakes, and a terrible spin-off set in New York (it violates the acclaimed scientific theorem that only two Kardashians (neither of which being Kim) at a time are bearable) came to be on the air.

I have more terrible TV shows I love but I think I’ve embarrassed myself enough for one day. Make me feel less alone and tell me what awful TV you can’t get enough of in the comments.

Christmas is the most wonderful and incredibly fucking stressful time of the year. To ease the stress a little, I’ve put together this recipe guide to help all of you with ideas on what to bring to your various holiday fetes.

You’re bringing breakfast:

These cranberry muffins are a holiday tradition in the epuff family. I like using mini-muffin trays for them. They do require some forethought as you have to soak the cranberries overnight but otherwise are very simple to make. If you want to be super prepared, you can bake the muffins and then freeze them. Recipe below:
Cranberry Muffins

1 Cup raw cranberries, chopped
¾ Cup sugar, divided
2 Cups flour
¾ tsp baking soda
¼ tsp salt
1 egg, beaten
¾ Cup buttermilk
¼ Cup shortening, melted

In a small glass bowl, let cranberries stand overnight in ½ C. sugar. In large bowl, sift together remaining ¼ C. sugar, flour, soda and salt. Stir in egg, buttermilk and shortening all at once until moistened (Do not stir for too long). Stir in cranberries. Fill greased muffin pans 2/3 full. Bake in preheated 400 degree oven 20 minutes. Makes 18 full sized muffins.

You’re bringing a side:

I always try to be unique with sides since it’s so easy to fall into a trap with boring sides. I also try to add some color to holiday meals. Below, you’ll find my recipe for a yellow rice pilaf with carrots, celery, green onion, Craisins, and pecans:

1/2 C. diced green onion
1/2 C diced celery
1/2 C. diced carrot (matchsticks are good)
salt
pepper
curry
garlic powder
(about 1/2 tsp each)
1 C. rice
Chicken or vegetable broth or water

Saute onion, celery, and carrot in small amount of olive oil for 5 minutes or so. Add seasonings and cook for a few more minutes. Add rice and saute for 2 minutes, stirring to coat rice kernels. Add broth and/or water to 1/4 inch above rice (I use part chicken broth and 1 part water). Cover and cook until rice is tender (about 20 minutes). Add more liquid if necessary.

Stir in:
1/2 C. diced green onion
1/2 C. craisins
1/2 C. broken pecan halves

If you want to bring vegetables but steer away from casseroles, one of my favorite things to do is sauté broccoli, red pepper, red onion, and carrots in a little bit of olive oil with lemon juice, thyme, salt, and pepper.

You’re bringing the dressing/stuffing:

May I recommend a bread stuffing made from scratch?

1 qt. bread crumbs (about ½ loaf white bread)
1 qt. cornbread (make up 1 box Jiffy muffin mix)
1 Qt. biscuits (about 8 biscuits – I use the small dinner rolls that come in a tube)
1 C. chopped onion (w/about ¼ C. chopped green onion)
1 C. chopped celery
½ C. chopped parsley
1 ½ tsp. sage
¼ tsp. pepper
2-4 C. chicken broth
½ C. melted butter
2 eggs, slightly beaten

In a large bowl, tear ½ loaf white bread, cooked corn muffins/cornbread, and 8 biscuits into small pieces.
Saute onion, celery in butter. Combine all except butter, eggs, broth. Add butter & eggs, then enough broth to make extra moist. Bake at 350 for about 45 mins.

You’re bringing a main:

Buy a Butterball turkey or Honeybaked ham. Seriously, this shit is a pain in the ass. Don’t even bother. Unless you’re a vegetarian, in which case, I have an excellent spinach lasagna recipe you can ask me about in the comments.

You’re bringing dessert:

My all time favorite holiday dessert is a home baked apple pie. This recipe is from my childhood best friend’s mom, who was a pastry chef so totally knows her shit better than me:

Pie crust for top and bottom
5-6 medium apples, peeled and sliced VERY thin (I use Pink Ladies or Galas)
Juice of ½ lemon
2 tsp vanilla
1/3 Cup flour
1/8 tsp nutmeg
½ tsp cloves
1 TBSP cinnamon
¾ Cup sugar
2 TBSP butter

Mix together apples, lemon juice and vanilla. Mix dry ingredients and add to apple mix. Pour into prepared pie crust in pan. Dot top with 2 TBSP butter, sliced. Cover with top crust, crimping sides together. Pierce top crust several times. Brush top crust with melted butter and sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar.
Bake at 425 for 15 minutes, then reduce heat to 350 and bake another 45 minutes to 1 hour. Serve with Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream (this is my Texas bias coming through).

I hope this recipe guide helps some of you get through cooking block!

Confessions: Dreadful TV Edition

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