The following is an account of my gastric bypass. It took place almost 3 years ago (June 30th is my Surgiversary). I’m writing this as a guide for people who might be thinking about having the surgery so they have some idea of what they can look forward to. Also, if you have friends or relatives who are considering having the surgery or who have had it, this might help you to help them. Post-surgery support is very important to succeeding in this situation. Part One will cover why I had the surgery and some of the hoops I had to jump through to get there. That bloated sack in the picture is me immediately following the surgery. I weighed 320 pounds on the day of the operation.
servicey
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Given the amount of Crasstalkers that live in areas that have experienced natural disasters this spring, it’s always a good idea to be ready. If you have pets, it’s doubly important. You can find some great tips here. Has anyone had any experiences with evacuating or weathering a disaster with their pets?
Unless you’re a tragic figure, a la Andy Stitzer in The 40 Year-Old Virgin or committed to becoming a Nun, you’ve more than likely had a first sexual experience. Chances are, you are even less likely to have had it go smoothly. So without further adieu, I present my top five reasons why this first slice of paradise by the dashboard light, sucked. Continue reading
Confession: I am the laziest female you will ever meet. There are a bunch of reasons for this, some more valid than others, but the point remains: Like the honey badger, I am a sleepy fuck.
I’m not a tomboy. I’m not some gross hobo living on Lower Wacker. I still want to look good, but I just don’t want to have to try. At all. So, I’ve developed a regimen. It’s not exactly the regimen of a Real Housewife of Orange County, but nor is it that of that creepy girl Karen in 10th grade who didn’t wear deodorant and had bits of old food on her sweater all the time. Continue reading
I want to start by saying the case of Baby Joseph is heartbreaking.
This little boy, only fifteen months old, is suffering from a terminal illness. He’s going to die. His Canadian doctors said if the boy was taken off a ventilator at at his most recent hospitalization, he would die. Those doctors refused to perform a tracheotomy on him. So the parents started asking doctors in the US for help. The Children’s Hospital in Detroit was among those that said no. SSM Cardinal Glennon Children’s Medical Center in Saint Louis said yes.
Continue reading
Why do you hate me?
I mean, you’re lucky I saw you. Happily cruising in the bike lane in along 34th Avenue in Queens, watching warily, as I usually do, for cars that don’t bother to signal before pulling out from parking, or people who open doors without looking, or drivers who think the bike lane is a passing or turning lane—you stepped out from between two parked SUVs, in the middle of block, not looking at oncoming traffic, holding the hand of a little girl who was clutching a wrapped birthday present.
Thank God I’d just gotten my bike tuned up for spring, complete with new brake pads. I can stop on a dime. You stepped forward. You stepped back. That made it difficult to ride around you.
So I said, “Excuse me.”
This uncorked a fury inside you. You screamed at me, throwing F-bombs like Mellissa Leo at the Oscars, yelling about how you had more right to be here than me, how I don’t own the street, how I need to leave him alone, how I should go and lose some weight (you lost five points for creativity there, buddy).
New Yorkers are angry at people who ride bikes. Let’s explore why.
First off, bike lanes take away room for cars. There’s no getting around that. Bike lanes take away driving lanes in some cases, and parking spaces in others. It’s interesting that everyone agrees we need to encourage less driving in the city, but no one wants to give up their cars.
That’s the least of the problem. Biking’s problem is that the major cycling advocacy groups have no clue how to win over the public.
Some suggestions:
Cycling advocates need to back cops when they hand out tickets for cyclists committing traffic violations. You want to be treated with respect, helmet-people? Well, start earning it. You’ve got to stop at red lights. You’ve got to yield to pedestrians. You’ve got to stop wearing headphones while biking. Make sure your bike is equipped with the reflectors and bells and lights required by law. Don’t argue with the police officer who stops you for not stopping at a light. She’s only doing her job. When a police officer is directing traffic, his directives also apply to you—not just the cars behind you. Don’t ride on the sidewalk. When the street is too dangerous, dismount and walk. When Central Park is crowded, slow down. This ain’t the Tour de France. In other words, act like adults.
Next: Use that record of law-abiding good behavior to demand from your city representatives that police go after drivers who make conditions unsafe for everyone—other cars, pedestrians, and cyclists. When was the last time you saw someone make a full stop at a stop sign? Stop for a pedestrian in a crosswalk? Use signals on a regular basis? That this driving behavior is allowed to continue unfettered in this city is outrageous.
Can we just get rid of Time’s Up and its ilk? There is a difference between persistence and aggression. Groups like Time’s Up push aggression, hoping to shove bike lanes and bike infrastructure into place. No one likes change to be shoved at them. Present. Sympathize with the opposition. And be willing to compromise. More can be done with talking than with fighting.
Don’t respond to fire with a container of gasoline. When the conservative population in Willamsburg got upset about a bike lane there—largely, it was alleged, because women rode bikes in “immodest clothing” (I wonder how my bike tights would be taken there) the hipsters organized a protest which involved them riding their bikes naked. Turns out it was too cold to ride naked, so the group largely backed out, but that’s not helping. Cyclists came off as a group of entitled brats with a complete lack of respect for everyone around them. That’s not to say the conservatives were right. But it would have been very easy ride onto high road, rather than the low.
Lastly, play nice. Let a car go past you. They’re faster. And heavier. Let an old lady cross the street. Remember this isn’t a race. Realize you’re not the only person on the road. And don’t yell back at peckerheads.
Greetings comrades. I come to you tonight to humbly ask your assistance in our effort to win The Internet. As you all know, we have experienced a pretty amazing transformation in the last few months and our humble collective has turned into the beginnings of a Dictatorship of the Internet Proletariat. No longer mere peasants; we have taken control of the means of production.
However, our battle has just begun and it is time for our armies to grow. For this to happen I need your help. As you may have noticed, we have added some new editors and moderators in the last couple of weeks in an effort to improve the quality of the site. Now that we are making that effort, we need to find a way to get the word out about the great stuff going on here. For this I need a few volunteers to be part of the Crasstalk Ministry of Propaganda.
The CMP will be charged with getting Crasstalk content out to other places on the web. This includes the social media platforms we already use, but we are also looking for some really creative ideas about getting the word out about the community here. We actually have some really interesting stuff here in our little web oasis, but we need to find ways to show it off to the rest of the world. I know that many of you are smart and innovative thinkers and we would really love to have your assistance as we continue to grow and shape the site.
If you are interested in helping out please send an email to [email protected]. If anyone has suggestions or ideas for promoting Crasstalk please put them in the comments so we can get some ideas rolling.
As always, it is an honor to serve with you.
When I was in high school, I barely wore make-up. I’d be the girl in cat sweaters, thick-rimmed glasses and overalls. I dressed like a hipster without realizing what a hipster was, simply by shopping at Goodwill and being too much of a literary geek to care about clothes.
Now, I’m 25 years old and I work in public relations, so I feel obligated to wear make-up nearly every day I go to work. Part of this is because I got into the habit in college, being in a major with a high percentage of sorority girls. It’s also partly due to the simple fact that I have a total baby-face.
When I don’t wear make-up, I look ten years younger. Since I’m already the youngest person on multiple teams, wearing make-up helps make it look like I’m not some sullen teenager sneaking over from some “Take Your Daughter to Work Day” event.
But because I like to stay up late and go out and do things, I am not really a morning person. I wanted my workday make-up routine to be as streamlined and simple as possible.
Here are my go-to products for quickly putting on my face and facing the fucking day.
Moisturizer and Primer
I always use moisturizer with some SPF. You should too. It’s a good idea. Right now I’m using Kroger’s version of the Oil of Olay Oil of Beauty moisturizer. I do not use make-up primer every day. I save that for going out or days when I think if I don’t use it, my minimal make-up will end up melting off my face. (So, the summer, maybe.)
Foundation
I live in Los Angeles, so I don’t usually like to wear liquid foundation. It feels too heavy and hot. I’m also dark-skinned so it’s usually a pain in the neck trying to find the appropriate shade. What I do instead is dust some Physician’s Formula matte bronzer on my face in lieu of powder foundation. I don’t know at what point I discovered that their matte bronzers were the perfect shade for my skin, but it’s true. They also manage to brighten your skin as well.
I’m currently infatuated with their “mood-boosting” line, with the cute hearts and the wacky violet smell. The smell fades after a while, unfortunately.
Physician’s Formula Mood Boosting Pressed Powder
Blush
As much as I claim to wear make-up so I don’t look 15, I still kind of have a 15-year-old’s budget. That’s why drugstore brand Wet N Wild is one of the staples of my make-up routine. It helps that their make-up is pretty awesome for the price-point. They also recently redid their line so the packaging is very cute and minimalist.
I usually use their blush in Heather Silk.
Eyes
I use more Wet N Wild products here. I’m partial to their eye pencil in Bronzed. That’s actually an understatement. If they stopped making that, I’d probably kill myself. It’s one of those eye pencil shades that works for all skin tones, I think. It’s also only 99 cents, and if you have a Walgreens nearby, on sale for 69 cents. I definitely recommend this product.
I am also extremely fond of Wet N Wild Mega Plump mascara. It’s the one in the red tube. They are all really good mascaras but this happens to be the one I like.
I do not use eye shadow, typically, if it’s just an everyday workday.
Wet N Wild Eyeliner in Bronzed
Wet N Wild MegaPlump Waterproof Mascara
Lips
Depending on how I’m feeling, I will either rock Clinique’s Almost Lipstick in Black Honey (this is truly the holy grail of lipsticks, everyone loves it), a CoverGirl Outlast Lipstain or just plain old Chapstick. I’m partial to the Burt’s Bee’s chapsticks, since they have a nice scent.
I don’t wear lipstick, generally. It also feels like a bit too much make-up.
Clinique’s Almost Lipstick in Black Honey
So now you have my beauty routine, which, honestly, takes all of 5-10 minutes depending on how hungover I might be. So what’s your workday beauty routine?
Here are ten movies you might not have seen that you definitely should.
Safe
In her first leading role, Julianne Moore portrays a demur housewife who literally begins to do battle with her modern surroundings. While there are periods with very little dialogue, the movie is quite disturbing. As a person that has serious allergy problems, I can relate to the claustrophobia that sets in when you realize your problem is inescapable. In addition, the latter part of the movie is quite interesting because you start to wonder if she even has a problem at all.
(I don’t think this is currently in print on DVD)
Saved!
With Mandy Moore, Jena Malone, and a grown-up Macaulay Caulkin you really aren’t sure what to expect. However, as someone that has seen the religious right at its most extreme I can assure you this movie, while trying to be preposterous, is actually pretty accurate.
5 Fingers of Death
Anyone that is a Tarantino fan should see this movie if only to see a movie that served as inspiration for most of the Kill Bill films. It is an eye opener in the fact that you see how directors are inspired by certain movies and how they use that inspiration in their own movies. Many people would call it plagiarizing but I think it is just an ode to a forgotten genre.
Primer
An indie movie about a box, a storage place, and time travel. You would think it doesn’t work but for some reason it does. The movie looks great and takes what is usually a grandiose theme down to a more pedestrian level. It also won the Grand Jury Prize at Sundance in 2004, which kind of tells you what kind of film it is. Basically, not the science fiction film for your Nascar loving, action movie watching, white trash uncle.
The Last Unicorn
Yes, it is a cartoon but it voiced by Alan Arkin, Mia Farrow, Jeff Bridges and Angela Lansbury, among others. The voice acting and music are definitely top notch. Basically the last unicorn, is searching for others of her kind because she fears she is the last. It is kind of sad for a cartoon but makes up for it with its sheer storytelling power and ends up being quite magnificent and memorable.
The Last Picture Show
In another fictional town (this time in Texas), we see a coming of age story that features a relatively green cast surrounded by veteran character actors. It is a great story shot in black and white that is quite devastating. Being from a small town in Texas, myself, I can say this movie hits the nail on the head and captures the feeling quite perfectly. The cast as a whole delivers stand out performances with an especially great ones from Cloris Leachman, Ben Johnson, and Ellen Burstyn. We are also introduced to Cybill Shepherd, Timothy Bottoms, and get to see a young Jeff Bridges in action.
Here is Ben Johnsons Oscar-winning monologue for your enjoyment.
Dick
Michelle Williams and Kirsten Dunst befriend President Nixon only to find themselves in the midst of the Watergate scandal. I’ll start off by saying this film is a lot smarter and funnier than you think. Many of the subtle jokes are dead on balls accurate and entertained my aunt, a lawyer, who was very hesitant to watch this in the first place.
*batteries not included
Cute robots, old ladies and awful developers that want to tear her house down. I mean, the robots even make hamburgers! What is not to like?
Drop Dead Gorgeous
USA is a-okay! Amer-I can! These are just a few themes from the past American Teen Princess beauty pageants in the fictional small town of Mount Rose, MN. The movie has murder, hilarity, bad shellfish, and crazy plot points that keep you laughing until the end. In addition, you see Amy Adams early in her career as the promiscuous cheerleader. Also, DWTS contestant Kirstie Alley is hilarious as are Denise Richards, Allison Janney, Brittney Murphy Kirsten Dunst, and Ellen Barkin. See the trailer here.
Enter The Void
I know, I know, no one likes moist towellete come to life, Paz de la Huerta, but this movie rises above her (on a few different levels). This movie is best seen in a theater and possibly on some form of narcotics although it really is a drug on its own. It toys with a few different themes (including reincarnation) and is quite disturbing at a variety of points. Oh, and the credits are great. In fact, here they are!
Do you own your own business? Does your father speak like Mr. Bottomtooth on Family Guy, and let you draw a (no show) paycheck – from the company that amazingly bears the same last name as yours, while you spend the Summer banging chicks all across the European Continent as your Eurail pass hangs out of the back pocket of your Gap chinos? Well this post isn’t for you, Bunky. Move along. I’ll wait a sec….
Now, if the rest of the unwashed masses (me included) are ready, here are ten easy ways to see if you are toiling for a tool.
1. Does your micro-managing, vinyl-shoe wearing boss hover around your workspace and see if you are sending personal emails or taking personal calls and generally being unproductive? Tool.
2. Does your boss ask if you have finished Project X, as you are walking out to a much-needed, Wednesday liquid lunch? Tool.
3. If your boss likens your productivity to that of a sedated tree-sloth, during written review time, on letterhead, and makes you sign it. Tool.
4. If your boss mentions to you, in the break room – in front of the mouth-breathing HR Temp – that this is the fifth time this month you’ve been late, but never compliments you for taking the goddamn red-eye back from the mind-numbingly, soul-crushing conference she made you attend against your will, so that you don’t miss another workday? Tool.
5. When your boss is leaving at 11 a.m. on Thursday for a long weekend of cough syrup, TV Dinners, and masturbating until the sobbing starts and he dumps the vague outline of a Powerpoint he has to have for his ass-kissing meeting with Corporate at 9 a.m. Monday. Yes, he’s a tool.
6. Upon being reduced to throwing yourself under the warehouse forklift and jeopardizing “Slow Dave” the driver’s retirement in order to secure the afternoon off because your boss requires 946 hours prior notice. Tool.
7. When look forward to hunkering down in your basement and devoting every one of the precious few hours you have to yourself, at night, after work, searching the internet for: odorless, tasteless, easily purchased, fast acting, nervous system crippling, sphincter bleeding, sweet sweet poison for your boss – when you should be sleeping. Tool.
8. After enduring another closed-door conference call to your one and only new perspective client this month – in which you luckily closed some new business, no thanks to Mr. Has-No-Clue who insisted he “sit in” and now you can eat this month and by the skin of your teeth and sheer will, you barely survive the olfactory assaulting, gag-inducing aroma of those sense-stultifying, Sansabelt pants he’s worn for the third time this week and he has the nads to attempt a high-five and a “bro hug?” Tool.
9. If you refuse to talk about your personal, weekend business with your boss, which may or may not include: using your home-made trebuchet to hurl cat-eye marbles at Mitzy, your patient, but struggling goldfish; wearing neoprene; huffing modeling glue; abusing the On-Demand porn privilege with Comcast (to the point of a warning call), but she sees you as the perfect sounding board for an opinion of her newly e-bay purchased, Civil War Reenactment costume she is currently modeling before you. Tool.
10. If your boss waits until you are in the communal commode to take his “morning squirt,” which he does whilst humming the entire theme to Rocky, while you, once again, and hopefully this time successfully, evacuate the four pounds of government cheese you had to subsist on this past weekend and have been painfully carrying around in your lower intestine. Tool.
Hopefully, this will help you identify the tool you work for.