Unless you’re a tragic figure, a la Andy Stitzer in The 40 Year-Old Virgin or committed to becoming a Nun, you’ve more than likely had a first sexual experience. Chances are, you are even less likely to have had it go smoothly. So without further adieu, I present my top five reasons why this first slice of paradise by the dashboard light, sucked.
1. Desperately walking around high school for the third straight year, trying to conceal your continuously raging hard-on, you suddenly learn through the cafeteria grapevine of a female senior, who despite her brave but losing battle with a Pepsi and Ring Ding addiction, possesses a morally relaxed attitude toward deflowering first-timers with a higher acne count than their SAT score. This ends badly when, after doing the dirty deed in her parent’s basement one Thursday after school, you soon learn the meaning of and adroit skill in using a nit comb.
2. You came in your Sears Toughskins™ before your first love even had a chance to: A. Remove one stitch of clothing, and B. Put the piece of Bazooka bubblegum she was chewing on the nightstand. Try putting that Jeanie back in the bottle, son.
3. Picture this: Drive-In movie theater (ask your parents), you’ve arranged to borrow your cool uncle’s even cooler car, with the promise of washing and waxing same this Saturday. You secure a secluded spot at the Drive-in (furthest away from the concession stand) and your date has been liberally plied with two bottles of Wild Berry Mad Dog 20/20 (again, ask your parents). The stage is set and it’s only half way through the first of a double feature. Things are going decidedly in your favor, when suddenly, Suzy turns a shade of green and jerks open her previously desirable maw, while simultaneously violent peristaltic fits signal a Vesuvius-like eruption as well as an abrupt end to the evening at the drive-in. Needless to say, after you’ve retrieved umpteen wet napkins from the concession stand, that is now a handy four-hundred fucking yards away (while all of your friends stop you and ask: “How far didja get?”), and you’ve managed to somewhat calm Suzy’s tears, clean most of the devil’s brew out of the front seat and dash area, all while suppressing your own dry-heaves. Dear, sweet Suzy begs to be taken home, and you oblige.
4. You spare no expense and procure two hits of Ecstasy from the dorm’s resident Dungeon & Dragons expert, come part-time drug kingpin, “Tweaky,” and sneak off to a weekend at your target’s girl’s parent’s lakeside cabin. After popping the pills, you soon find out that the previously reliable “Tweaky” had sold you two horse tranquilizers, and you wake up Saturday afternoon on a musty-smelling mattress, in a pool of your own drool. After searching the house you find your “Honey” had managed to stumble out to the car in her tranquilized state and is in the front seat of the car, the windows having been left open and is now covered in mosquito bites.
5. Your trusty Omicron Pi Fraternity brothers usher in the long-awaited spring by throwing the first unofficial mixer of the season. This bodes well for your chances of achieving manhood. All the necessary preparations have been made: Flyers handed out to sorority sisters and other female ne’er-do-wells. Check. Kegs ordered. Check. Frat house cleaned. Well, sorta check. When the big night arrives, you commence a-drinkin after the last class has been attended for the week and await the fun to begin. All is going along swimmingly. You’ve made contact with a pleasant, Freshman freshy-freshington and she seems more than willing to accompany you to “the lair.” At the precise moment you lose yourself in a tangle of arms/legs/tongues, you hear sound of sirens coming closer. Many sirens to be exact. This is immediately followed by an unending parade of surly, baton wielding city policemen and mouth-breathing campus police.
Hopefully, you don’t identify with any of the above scenarios, exactly. However, I’m sure you have your own memory gold and tales of woe.
Happy Spring!
