Everyone, please keep your limbs inside the ride until it comes to a complete halt. You have now arrived at the fifth episode of season 9 of Project Runway. Five weeks in already. How time flies, almost as fast as the departing sewtestants. Have we settled into our new routine? Have we become accustomed to seeing misty water-color images of the sewtestants as the judges banter during the show opening? As always, there’s spoilers inside, so click at your own risk! Continue reading
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It’s All-Star night and we’re excited. We fully expect the dancing to hit all the right high notes now that we’re down to the top ten. It just better deliver because if not, just what the hell will be on the tour? Pretty much nothing in the last few episodes has been worthy. The lackluster-a-tude this season has been a bit shocking. So let’s hope the All-Stars know how to turn it up a few notches.
Who set the stage ablaze?
We’re whittling down those numbers in quick fashion. These kids had better bring their A-games or they will be cut, cut, cut. Last night the top ten were announced, the All-Stars are coming, and if you don’t understand the power of hotpants then, well, there’s not much we can do to save you.
Okay, my lovelies. Yes, I think it’s okay to start talking like Cat Deeley if I’m discussing this show. Don’t like? Well, then that’s just bollocks! No? Okay, anyway, here we are at another elimination. It’s getting really hard, right? These kids are really starting to grow on us. Sure, we have our annoyances, but they all really want to be on the show so very much!
Let’s see who’s taking a bow tonight.
The third episode of this reality/competition singstravaganza on Oxygen cements the format of the show. Mini Challenge, Let’s Make A Video, Sing For Your Life, Time To Go. Beware, there are spoilers inside! Continue reading
Watching The Glee Project’s casting special and first two episodes back to back is an exercise in unbounded cheerfulness and smiley sing-y good times. And drama. Oh, the drama! Spoilers inside, click at your own peril. Continue reading
Welcome to The Amazing Race Season Finale! So you’re thinking, “What the what? Season Finale? How’d that happen?” Well, Crasstalk went in for some reconstructive surgery, then some guy named bin Laden was killed and that like totally took over the news for at least three days, so here we are at the Season Finale. Continue reading
Normal recaps are like knitting a sweater: difficult, but rewarding. A “16 and Pregnant” recap is like wading into a septic tank with only leggings and flip-flops on. I take this bullet for you. So let’s see whose septic tank we’re wading into this week! Continue reading
Well, it finally happened. Considering the slew of broken promises that George R. R. Martin fans had dealt with in the last few years, and the general awfulness of on-screen adaptations of fantasy novels, few of us had held out much hope when he first announced tentative plans for a pilot episode to be possibly picked up by HBO. But as the date drew near and the unprecedented marketing blitz of subway posters, food trucks serving medieval fare, and the Iron Throne itself being wheeled around the city, it started to dawn on me: this is really going to be a Thing.
With that, I give you my reaction to the premiere: HBO’s Game of Thrones is an ambitious yet faithful adaptation of what is perhaps the best-written and most genre-transcending example of fantasy fiction, boasting pitch-perfect casting and a masterful use of dramatic tension that– BOOBIES!!! I SEE BOOBIES!!!
*Ahem* sorry about that. As I was saying, the casting is so spot-on that it’s almost frightening. While usually everyone has their own ideas about what characters in books should look like, Martin’s descriptions are so detailed leave little room for interpretation. Furthermore, many fans’ preconceptions were colored by the amazing series of character portraits by Amok, which gained semi-official status when they were linked to by every major ASOIAF fan site. There were some minor quibbles on my part – Sansa and Cersei were not quite as striking as the books described and Theon Greyjoy looked far too old – but overall, my expectations were exceeded.
As for other similarities to the source material, the series is faithful without being slavish. I was a little disappointed at the cutting of the prologue. In the book, Ser Waymar Royce, the bossy and arrogant leader of the expedition, is given a bit of character redemption as he bravely faces and duels the white walker before meeting his inevitable end. Further on, all fans were pleased by the inclusion of Ned’s famous dictum: “The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword.” But the continuation that was left out was equally classic: “If you would take a man’s life you owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. And if you cannot bear that, perhaps he does not deserve to die.” Finally, to touch on an uncomfortable subject, the last scene with Daenarys and Khal Drogo was far closer to rape than in the book. On the one hand, this is a more realistic and frank representation, considering the circumstances of her forced marriage. On the other, it’s the result of the series having so far skipped over her gradual internal transformation as she grows to love the Khal and accept her place among the Dothraki.
Having watched the premiere with three friends who had not read the books and had little interest in fantasy, seeing them become immersed in the world of Westeros was almost as pleasing as the show itself. And while I was afraid of being “that guy”, I found that they actually appreciated my occasional brief explanations of who was who and what was what, as they found it hard to pick up the many names being thrown at them. Thus I leave you with this handy guide I made for them so they weren’t tempted to go to Wikipedia and stumble upon awful spoilers. Print this out for future viewings and thank me later.
The world:
- The seven kingdoms are on one huge continent called Westeros. They take up most of the continent, except whatever is north of the Wall. There is another larger continent to the east “across the narrow sea” which is where the exiled girl and her brother are.
- The Wall is the northern border, guarded by the Night’s Watch. Beyond it there are outlaws known as wildlings, and other things unknown.
- Seasons last for years. Right now it has been an unusually long and prosperous summer, but as Ned says, “Winter is coming”.
- The seven kingdoms are ruled by one king from the capital city of King’s Landing, and each individual kingdom has its own Lord. They each have their own culture and were independent in the past, so the strength of the union depends mainly on the strength of the king.
The main characters:
Sean Bean is Eddard “Ned” Stark. His wife is Catelyn Stark (nee Tully) The children, from oldest to youngest are:
- Robb: Red-haired bloke, oldest legitimate son.
- Jon Snow: Ned’s bastard son, same age as Robb.
- Theon Greyjoy: the asshole who wanted to kill the wolf pups and acts like a dick to Jon snow. Not Ned’s son but a ward of the Starks – taken as a permanent hostage from a family defeated in an unsuccessful uprising, and raised along with the Stark children.
- Sansa: The boy-crazy airhead girly-girl.
- Bran: The kid who likes to climb.
- Arya: The tomboyish troublemaker.
- Rickon (may not have shown up yet): The youngest child at three years old.
-Lyanna Stark is Ned’s dead sister that King Robert had been engaged to.
-Benjen Stark is Ned’s younger brother who serves in the Night’s Watch at the Wall.
-Lysa Arryn (nee Tully) is Catelyn’s sister who had been married to the late Jon Arryn.
The king is Robert Baratheon. His wife is Cersei Lannister. Jaime is her twin brother, Tyrion the dwarf is their younger brother. Tywin Lannister (who hasn’t shown up yet) is their father. Joffrey is the prince and oldest child. There are also two younger children: Tommen and Myrcella. King Robert also has an older brother named Stannis and a younger one named Renly.
The two exiled royal children are Viserys and Daenarys Targaryen. Their father was King Aegon Targaryen II, overthrown by Robert and Ned over a decade ago. Khal Drogo is the horselord Daenarys marries.
That should be all. See you next week!
Wow, that was some week off, huh? I got so much done while The Amazing Race wasn’t on! I…I did nothing, really. Read the internets, drank some wine, GTL without the G or the T, battened down the hatches for the government shut-down that wasn’t. You know, regular stuff. But you know who were super busy? The seven teams racing for a million bucks.
Father/Daughter left the pit stop first at 1:18 p.m. and headed to the airport where they were to catch a flight for Varanasi, the religious part of India. Their next clue would be at a Tonga stand. What is a Tonga? The Google tells me it is a covered carriage. That sounds not very amazing and not very religious. But to the Tongas we go!
The Cowboys left a few minutes after Father/Daughter, with Old Yeller, the Nerds, the “Couple” and the Sisters all within spitting distance. The only team trailing was the Globetrotters, who left the pit stop a full five hours after the rest of the teams.
Father/Daughter, Old Yeller, the Nerds, the Sisters and the “Couple” got tickets for a 10:45 a.m. flight to Varanasi. But for some reason, the ticket agent gave the Cowboys tickets for a flight that left a full hour afterwards. Maybe they would be on a later flight with the Globetrotters? No! The Globetrotters, who arrived at the airport hours later, got tickets for the 10:45 a.m. flight! So all teams were on the earlier flight except for the Cowboys! That is a huge mistake. The poor Cowboys were wandering around the airport wondering where everybody else was, and you could see that sick-to-your-stomach-and-not-in-an-I-just-ate-some-bad-vindaloo-way look creep up on them when they realized that there was an earlier flight.
When the teams arrived at their destination, they hopped into cabs and headed for the Tonga stand. This was unremarkable except for Kynt inexplicably hitting his head on the trunk of the car, which triggered the “Couple’s” need to berate their cab driver. As a TAR expert, I can say that one thing rings true no matter what country you are in–it is never a good racing strategy to piss off your cab driver.
The Nerds’ cab stopped for gas, Old Yeller’s cab was redirected by police officers over some bridge, and the Globetrotters passed the Sisters and Father/Daughter. Sometimes it’s all about what cab driver you have and, note to the “Couple,” how nice you are to them.
Despite their sunny lousy attitude, the “Couple” reached the clue box first. Roadblock! One member of each team had to search for the meaning of life. Pfft! I could’ve skipped that task and gone straight to the pit stop. The meaning of life is shopping for shoes without having to flip them upside down to look at the price first. You got that, ladies? For the rest of you who doubt my deep insight, the teams were provided with a photo of six religious figures (lasidus? I couldn’t make out the name, if anyone knows what this is, please enlighten us in the comments) for reference. The teams had to find the holy person, who would give them a word. If the words are arranged properly, the teams will learn the meaning of life.
The Globetrotters reached the clue box next, followed by the Sisters, Father/Daughter, Old Yeller and the Nerds. At this point in the race, I was really worried about the Cowboys. An hour is easy to make up on travel (hello airport equalizers!) but tough to make up on tasks.
Big Easy tried to work with Jen, but then she ditched him. Kynt cut some sort of a deal with Gary which is strange because Gary is generally very careful at these types of tasks and should not need Kynt’s help. Kynt was basically just following Gary, and then there were two cows licking each other which was either sweet, or a metaphor for the race.
Ron was doing terribly. Like really and truly awful. Maybe he was looking for somewhere to stop for a snack? I don’t know, but he was headed in entirely the wrong direction.
The Sisters finished first and learned that the meaning of life is: Shoe Shopping Without Regard For Prices. Oh my gosh! I was right! I’m kidding. The real meaning of life is: Once You’re Over The Hill You Pick Up Speed. I suppose that’s a little more profound, but how are you supposed to get over that hill without stylish footwear? Hmm? Exactly.
Flight Time and Justin teamed up together and finished the task next. The teams were then sent to the Swaminath Akhara Wrestling Club where they were supposed to find a strong man who would give them their next clue.
Some time after the Sisters, the Globetrotters and the Nerds left, the Cowboys arrived at the task. This made Old Yeller, Father/Daughter and the “Couple” nervous because the Cowboys make notoriously quick work of tasks. Jet (or Cord, I haven’t quite figured out which is which) said, “How fast you run is how fast you’re going to get through the road block,” but you have to look around and not miss anything. So true, so true. The Cowboys blazed through the task while Ron was still wandering around India in the wrong direction. The “Couple” and Father/Daughter finished the task next, which left Old Yeller and the Cowboys out on the course.
The Nerds and the Globetrotters found the strong man and the clue box at about the same time. Detour! The teams had a choice between Feed the Fire and Feed the Buffalo. In Feed the Fire, the teams had to travel down the Ganges River and follow a path to the home of milkman, make fifty poop patties, place them on a wall to dry in the sun, and light a fire to boil milk. This does not sound like a very good task since it involves manure. In Feed the Buffalo, teams had to cross the Ganges River, pick up hay, cross again and carry the hay through narrow streets to the correct milk farm. Since this task does not involve manure, it is the task I would have chosen.
Because great minds think alike, the Nerds and the Globetrotters chose to feed the buffalo. The Sisters, on the other hand, chose to feed the fire.
Back at the Roadblock, the Cowboys finished the task before Old Yeller! Yeehaw! Old Yeller was sort of freaking out and backtracking, thinking the holy men may not have been properly garbed as in their photos beacused they wanted to take a refreshing swim in the Ganges River. What? No, no, no Old Yeller, they did not take a break from their TAR obligations to take a refreshing swim in the Ganges River! Holy hell. Eventually Old Yeller got back on track and finished the task, though he looked ready to collapse.
Meanwhile, back at the front of the pack, the Nerds and the Globetrotters worked together to find the correct address for their hay delivery while the Sisters arrived at the Dung Palace. They were literally vomiting before one poop patty was even made. Ladies, you made the wrooooong choice. The “Couple” also chose to feed the fire, just like the fire in their bedroom. Ugh now I’m vomiting. Father/Daugher then joined in the fun at the Dung Palace.
The Globetrotters and the Nerds were singing “Running with haaay, in the middle of India!” as they delivered their bales of hay. How can you not root for these guys? They received a clue which directed them to the pit stop at Ramnagar Fort across the Ganges River. Is crossing the Ganges River the only thing anyone ever does in India? In a foot race between the Nerds and the Globetrotters, it’s best to put your money on the professional athletes. The Globetrotters were first to the mat and are Team Number One, followed by the Nerds as Team Number Two. For coming in first, the Globetrotters won a trip to the Big Island of Hawaii. A big island for some big guys!
The Cowboys chose to feed the buffalo and were chuckling that they went all the way to India to haul hay. Old Yeller also chose to feed the buffalo. Like the Nerds and the Globetrotters in a foot race, if I had to put my money on who was going to haul hay faster, I’d go with the Cowboys.
Over at Dung Palace, the Sisters were struggling. A mean old lady knocked some of their poop patties off of the wall because they were too big. Eventually they made their poops exactly the right size and were headed to the pit stop. The “Couple” finished the poop task next, then Father/Daughter.
For some reason, the “Couple” decided to take a boat to the pit stop. But when they pulled away from the dock, Vyxsin did something really weird, even for her. She jumped out of the water taxi into the Ganges River! Just jumped right out, like she was compelled to do it by an evil spirt. She grabbed the boat and hauled it back to the dock and they took off on foot for the pit stop. And then Kynt said something, just a little something, and my skin crawled. He said, “You need to get a grip, sis.” Are they brother and sister? Eew. The possibilities are just eew.
The Cowboys made hay of Old Yeller and finished the task in no time at all. The Sisters checked in at the pit stop, then Father/Daughter, and then the Cowboys who are back in this race. Finally, the “Couple” checked in, which meant Old Yeller were the last team to arrive. They have been eliminated from the race. I’m…kind of happy about this. I’m sick of watching Ron bumble around the world, snapping at Christina and snacking on local delicacies at the most inopportune times. They weren’t going to win, so it’s good that Phil put them out of their misery. And it was misery for poor Christina. Yes, she said that she cherished the moments she got to spend with her father, but I could sense seething contempt just below the surface. Good luck with your marriage to that other guy from TAR, Christina. I hope the two of you are very happy together and move far, far away from your dear old dad.
Next week: The six remaining teams head to Austria, where it looks like they compete in a food challenge that Mallory isn’t enjoying, and the “Couple” are again fighting over directions.